| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:26:53 PM | Separation without a legal agreement still constitutes a marriage. So please understand your specific state or provincial laws.
As for my personal opinion: Any sort of breakup (separation) means the relationship is over. Marriage is a commitment. Separation means someone could not keep their end of the commitment; someone agreed to disagree.
Again, my personal take. There is no such thing as cheating when someone has broken from the relationship.
On a side note;
Take a couple who are completely interested in each other. Language like "need more space", "I need some time to myself" do not come up in conversation. Having "discussions" when the couple are interested and committed involves proactive, progressive language with a lot of "we". Discussions when the one of the partners has lost interest uses "you" and "I" in a regressive form.
I have to stress if you are in this position, check your laws. Personal opinion does not hold in the court of law.
Enjoy this example:
In some countries, if you have sex with a woman who is legally married, the husband can SUE you! | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:41:18 PM | i don't think it neccesarily depends on the situation, but more so on the person.
not out of a bad ending like cheating or drugs or abuse, but my parents were seperated for 8 years before having the divorce a couple of years ago. my mother dated 2 years after they split, my dad - still isn't dating. my mom was the believer that she had the right. my dad was the believer that no matter what, the bottom line was that they were still legally married. which by law, would mean that it would be considered cheating.
MY personal opinion? well its a little of both. however i can't justify the side where its ok, only saying it would have to be after some time.
my final verdict would lie with the law, and the firm belief and values in marriage.
and plus, who wants to say they are dating someone who still legally has a wife/husband? this being if it was a fresh seperation, not years.
but to each their own.  | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:16:42 AM | The word cherish comes to mind as the first step in cheating. Then disillusionments fallow..
There is a process that one can not avoid in detachment... i have been married 29 yrs and for the most part very good yrs. but something happen and it has slowly come to a divorce in April... after she met the love of her life (a married professor at college) it all went very fast...
wish u well:) | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:32:01 AM | | It is a rather mute point because he cheated on you before you separated. Divorce him and forget him. I have a handsome single older brother you'd love. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 4:26:41 AM | I do no think him dating others now is really what I am getting at here. vHis explanation was his. vI guess I am just asking myself is dating during separation for myself ok or would it constitute cheating. I have my answer.
Now where are those men who do not fear dating someone separated?
No reconciliation ever | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:54:38 AM | I think it depends a lot on the situation. In a formal legal sense, a marriage may still exist between two people who mutually consider their marital relationship (and the roles and responsibilities which come with it) to no longer be existent. This sounds like your situation, where you and your separated partner no longer regard your marriage to still exist in the sense of an ongoing relationship. Your marriage still exists on paper, and the law recognises that as valid, but to both of you personally, the relationship doesn't exist.
I think dating after separation is strictly speaking, not cheating, as no relationship is formed during dating. It is cheating in my view if the separated partner forms a new relationship with someone else, but sees their married ex on an intimate level at the same time.
I think what would be more worrying to someone dating a person who is recently separated, is that the separated partner might be willing to give the marriage another shot if the ex repents and begs forgiveness, and then the separated partner suddenly ends dating and leaves the person they were dating out in the cold. This is somewhat unfair to the person who was dating the separated person, and can also be emotionally hurtful. So long as there is the slightest possibility of reconciliation between a separated married couple, they should definitely not consider dating, and bring an innocent third party into a messy situation.
I think then it is best as a rule if dating is left until both parties to the marriage consider it to be irreversibly broken down, i.e. informal or legal divorce. I would only date a separated person who was formally divorced, if they had been married. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 7:16:56 AM | Cheating is a betrayal of trust and commitment in a relationship by developing some bond with another person. To me, it doesn't even have to be physical or in person. An intimate online friendship, even without cyber-sex, is cheating. I think its pretty simple actually - does your partner/spouse KNOW and approve of the relationship? If not, then its cheating.
In your case, you are not cheating since he moved out and there is no commitment anymore. The relationship is over and you are both free to form others. Separation/divorce - thats just the legal paperwork. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:27:14 AM | | Well,I have to say after living apart for for years,being legally separated for two(laws vary from state to state,some don't even recognize a legal separation)that it is not cheating.Out of respect for the fact that she is the mother of my children,we signed a separation agreement revisitation,support etc. so she could remain on my insurance.Two weeks ago she flew off to" see her brother".I stayed with the kids,we worked hard to clean her messy house for her-we had a great time together.When she didnt return on time I called my sister-in -law and found out her brother sold the house in California three years ago.Well,long story short,she went to meet an Indian guy who she met working as a waiter 25 years ago on a cruise.My kids are bewildered,my daughter has been having nightmares and I feel violated.She stated that"her lawyer said she could date".Well I have been celibate the past 4 years and I feel used. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:35:49 AM | Msg #55
Now where are those men who do not fear dating someone separated?
Why do I fear dating someone separated ?
1) I am going to feel her wrath, anger and be the object of her distrust when she gets pissed. Couple life is tough enough, there are enough potential disagreements without me having to wear the negative responsibilites of her ex.
2) I am not willing to fall in love with half a person.
3) I will date you, if I just want an f-buddy. (and absolutely know I won't fall in love) Being in love with someone who won't be there, just SUCKS.
4) Dating a separated person is a high risk adventure. I don't do high-risk.
5) I can not contol my emotional involvement.
6) You are so cute, I can't contol my desires.
7) When you get your head on straight, I won't look as attractive to you. When a person is experiencing an emotional trauma(breakup of marriage), the highs are higher, and sadly, the lows are lower.
8) I can be your friend, and I can have sex with you, but it will feel like your marriage. You will hate me.
Maybe I have been single too long, and just don't understand.
edit: If I was a married man, hmmmmm, maybe. What is your phone number? | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:42:11 AM | If you aren't divorced and you become involved with someone (marriage - commitment-vows), think it might be cheating? It's all semantics really. Each knowing what we consider cheating, we feel it is wrong, but there is that gray area here, maybe if I do it it will be ok. Because they did it, it's ok for me to do the same thing.
Having conversation and a friend who helps you over the rough spots is it cheating? Not in my opinion, unless you have an emotional attachment other than friendship to them or want there to be.
I always ask myself this question. How would I feel if that was me on the other end of this situation? If I wouldn't like it, then I won't go there. I really don't care what other people think concerning the issues in my household. I'm the one that has to live with my decisions, not them. So myself, I try to live by the "Golden Rule" and not "Do unto others before they can do unto me or retaliate because I am pissed".
You hate the situation you are in, so why would you put someone else into it? That's just my opinion. Kind of like asses, everyone has one. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:00:19 AM | I thought this might have been written by a guy looking for permission and/or approval and I was going to tell him this:
The label is of little consequence except in divorce court, but I suppose it depends on if your the married person or the one s/he's dating. Myself, I wouldn't date a separated person. There would be no chance of him having the mind set, values, and goals I'm looking for. It would be like playing golf in a rainstorm in Yellowstone: besides bad weather, it's bad joo joo, good chance of losing lots of things in caustic ways, and downright life threatening--sounds like a crappy adventure to me.
Given that its an abaonded spouse asking the question, this is fodder for your attorney; otherwise, even though he is still your husband and thus still answerable to the marriage, he has already shown he doesn't care what you think, so he probably won't give a rip about public opinion, either.
I'm sorry you're going through this abandonment.  | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:26:46 AM | I've been separated six years , I'm not yet divorced , and I don't have trouble living with my self dating.
I think cheating isn't about whether your separated or divorced . It's about being forthright about what you are doing .If you are not seeking to reconcile and you have made that clear to all , you might as well start rebuilding your life
Good luck | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:48:02 AM | What's more disturbing is that you'ved involved your adult daughter in this drama between her mom and dad. She even wrote your profile for you? Does she hate her daddy for all the evil he's done?
I don't condone cheating at all. I think those who cheat are some of the most immoral people I know. They're weak willed and unlikely to ever take real responsibility for an action of theirs. But you're on a dating site that your daughter obviously knows about since she wrote your profile for you, trying to garner some support for slamming her dad.
You're separated. Stay out of his life and focus on ending the business transaction of marriage. Instead of dating, try spending some time alone learning who you are and who you'd like to be....how YOU can improve rather than what someone else is doing that's so wrong. It does YOU absolutely no good to focus on him at this point. Focus on YOU.
Good luck. Divorce s*cks in the best of cases, and in a case like this there are lots of painful emotions to endure and learn from. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:26:45 AM | | If the marriage is gone for keeps and separation is all you can get right now, then it's not cheating to date. To paraphrase a famous person, "The law is made for people, not people for the law." When I got dovorced long ago, the state made you wait a year and a half between filing and decree. Also, a divorce costs money—a hell of a lot more than a marriage license—and I had to save up for it. But laws change, and so do people's economic circumstances. So if you're in X jurisdiction and don't have the money, are you less moral than an affluent person in Y jurisdiction? Baloney. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:37:56 AM | Depends on the separation.
If you separate with the intent to reconcile, it is cheating.
If you separate with the intent to use the separation to begin divorce proceedings... well, it would seem like your relationship is over.
I don't think it's a good idea very soon after a separation has begun.... but people have the right to make their own decision. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:52:34 AM | Let's see...which is worse: a touchless, loveless, sexless relationship....
Or separation? Don't spring that weasel-word "cheating" on me, bro. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:54:16 PM | its funny how many think they dont need a document to be married but need one to be separated.
all situations are different tho. he is obviously moving on with his life and thinking he has the best of both worlds. who knows what he is telling his current 'hump' about you his wife, mother of his children while you are at home thinking you are still married.
i admit i dont know what the good answer is (we all know the moral answer...you are not an idiot!). i too struggle with this issue but for different reasons. my husband has been in a nursing home for a long time and will be there till he passes. there is no chance of reconciliation, physically or mentally. but i stay married for a lot of reasons none of which is an excuse for me. i look forward (not backward) to moving on with my life in spite of the unsurity and will go where life leads me. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 2:12:01 PM | OP 'cheating' isn't really about whether or not you're separated or fully divorced; 'cheating' is really about trying to start a new relationship while you're still in another one emotionally. It involves making false promises to people.
I think you're still in the old relationship emotionaly and you feel getting involved with someone else might be cheating on your own emotional attachments?
The fact one of your children has written your profile suggests to me your heart isn't in 'dating' yet and your self-esteem has taken a huge whack - the profile reads a bit like a testimonial as to why you should be considered a good person.
You're a stunning looking woman and obviously very social and into doing things for others. It's not my relationship but I went through a similar period for two years after I left my ex of 'I hope to God she doesn't ask me back because I would be tempted' - I was still in love with her too but like your ex sane people sitting on the outside can see the truth in what direction you should move in.
I think when your heart is sorted and the emotional link gone the question of cheating won't come up. I found 'how to mend your broken heart' by Paul McKenna quite useful. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 2:21:01 PM | well i see what u r getting at now... and would like to say that, again there is a process that is not over till its over and even tho u are sure u will never go back to him. there is a level unknown unsurity, tho it is small. If u once loved this man and u have children by him. At some point after u have eaten some of that grass on the other side. that u will have second thoughts... as long as the man ur dateing knows the risk he is taking, then so be it.
Warning: if u r still married and u want to dump an unwanted boyfriend u can always say ur going to try to work things out with the separated husband... and that way it is easyer... lite | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 3:03:12 PM | I should clarify something here. My daughter is 31 yrs old, she is not the product of this marriage. There are no children involved. She only wants her mother happy and safe that is why she wanted to write the profile.
Her father and I were married 21 yrs, We parted as friends when we realized we had grown apart and had nothing left of the emotions.
Solar thank you for the compliment.
You all have given good advice. I appreciate all of your opinions. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:50:48 PM | Relationships are agreements between two people. If the marriage is over, there is no chance for a reconciliation then is it a marriage? I know people who have never "married" legally who are more married than those with a license. The ring, the paperwork, the wedding ceremony, the governement license does not a marriage make. They are supposed to be symbols of the relationship, celebrations of the bond between the couple. If it is all over but the paperwork, then it is over. JMHO
As far as the cheating issue: He already is a cheater, "cheating" now isn't an issue. OP you are right, you need to move on. If you are not comfortable dating untill the paperwork is done, then for you it is wrong. If someone else is comfortable and upfront about it then for them it is right. My opinion doesn't matter unless I decide to get involved with someone who is in the situation. I guess what I am trying to say is, who am I to judge?
I did happen to meet someone and date before the paperwork was done. I told him upfront and he said he didn't care. The marriage was done way before the paperwork was drafted and the spouse was not cooperative. I was in that relationship for five years and don't regret the decision I made at the time. My kids didn't have a problem with it either. Of course after living with mr. judgemental for 16 years, maybe we were all a little rebellious. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:56:26 PM |
In some countries, if you have sex with a woman who is legally married, the husband can SUE you!
You know we've "come a long way baby" when a wife can sue the other woman! | |
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