| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/2/2008 7:25:21 PM |
(keeping in mind they are seperated, and no divorce decree had been filed)
depends on whether you think of marriage as an 'institution' or as a 'state of being'.......and for me personally, the latter needs not a written agreement.....you prove my point to a "T" OAS500....thank you kindly....:) | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:29:27 PM | deuce98
You married this person after she cheated on you while engaged. OMG what the heck is wrong with you. She obviously was a slut and wasn't ready to get married. You didn't seriously think she'd be a faithful wife? You had the signs clear as day that she was a cheater. What a surprise, you're divorced. How long were the two of you married? A year.
I think you're holding a grudge, the way you talk about it. Using words like 'she nailed this guy for two weeks' and 'then she came crawling back'. Yup sounds like a grudge to me. You should be bitter about it. She cheated on you. But you married her anyway. That's what i don't understand. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:57:04 PM | Yes it is.
ing that marriage is a covenant made with God then it is so that for all the pretzel logic that one can conjour up to the contrary doesn't change the fact that the third person in a marriage is and should be recognized as the only other allowed in that union known as marriage. Marriage of a man to a woman blessed in the eyes of God.
That 'other' person isn't God. Lawyers aren't God. The parteners in the union aren't God. God is the Lord so 'let no man tear asunder' isn't a challenge, it's an assertion of a fact that what God brings together, only He can seperate.
Just what to do in any case where such as this has occured?
Repentenance, reconciliation and re-establishing one's relationship with the Lord your God is a start.
As for the guilty parties. Bear witness and offer on the table a second chance to keep the union together I say. And I read once where this is to be done twice. If itdoesn'twork out. Do the right thing and go your ways. Turn the page, flip a leaf whatever. Just Experience the pain and go past it. the next one to be brought into your life really doesn't deserve to live in another's past. Believe me on that. I've been there twice. Not good. Not fair to all concerned. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/3/2008 12:53:48 AM | | Seems to me when you separate you aren't together, you're waiting for the legalities to be sorted out. You can't cheat on someone you aren't with. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/3/2008 1:45:40 AM | NO, cheating was when he was seeing the married woman behind your back, but then again, how was the marriage before that affair started, sometimes marriages are over long before one party strays........
He doesnt seem to concerned about the whole thing, and I would let him go and forget about the principle of cheating or not cheating, I would be trying to figure out how the marriage got into this state, so history doesnt repeat itself for you.....
It sounds like his needs have been neglected and thats not your fault, he obvioulsy hasnt communicated this to you during the marriage, and perhaps at some point he has decided that being faithfull is not for him, and he is not able to communciate truthfully to you about who he really is....
Some men jsut cant go the distance sexually in a marriage, as much as they may want to, I know from speaking to many older woman who have been married for 50 or 60 years that marriages are a long winding road of closeness and distances, but apparantly it is worth it the end, that is the very end..... To those brave and strong enought to stick it out especially at times liek the one your having, these days you dont have to sit it out and put up with it as women have had to in the past.
i am sure he is a littel**** and insensitive at the moment as he is deluded by the sexual attraction and action he is getting, but the emotions will hit him and when they do, he will crumble and wonder what the hell he was doing and swear it wasnt worth it, as they do.
He will get this out of his system after a while and want to settle again, but probaly wont trust himself enough to want to commit, and at some point he will realise also how very much loves you, but a man can be ruled by sexual desire and satisfaction and most of them dont get that from a monogamous marriage, I wonder and will never be sure if their is anything women can do about it to make a difference...
He is not a monster, he is a man, and you will have to look very deeply into the marriage and where it all went wrong and is it worth salavaging.
Forget about the cheating or not cheating bit, your actually cheating yourself by focusing on the consequences of the problem rather than the cause of the problem...
Good luck with it.....
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/3/2008 2:47:01 AM |
that question and statement from a woman that lists separated as status and looking for 'dating'
Carpe Diem you make a very valid point. Drawing attention to her soon-to-be ex-hubby's infidelity while at the same time looking for men to date is hypocritical.
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/3/2008 4:05:23 AM | I don't think it's cheating if both people in the marriage have decided that it's over and are living in separate residences. I wouldn't date him though. As evidenced by this thread there's just way too much unifnished business and potential drama when dating a separated person. I did it once, it's enough to last me a life time.
Relationship/marriage break up is about loss and pain. There's just no short cutsto getting to the other side where one is emotionally healthy to be in a new relationship without going through the pain and grief. Dating too soon just drags an innocent person into the mess, but it doesn't eliminate the need to heal, it just prolongs.
So it's not cheating, but it's potential drama. I'd say, finish with the last soul mate before looking for a new one. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/3/2008 6:38:34 AM | Prairiechick,
She was young still (18) when it happened but still no excuse. We'd been engaged about 9 months, with about a year to go yet. After this ordeal we waiting about two years before getting married. We had a child at that point. That is the ONLY reason I stuck with it. I see now that I could have provided a life for him on my own, without all the headaches and pain that came with the marriage. But at the time I was young and thought that was the ONLY thing to do.....keep the family unit together. I never had that family unit growing up so I knew how much I craved it and didn't want him to go through the same thing. But at what cost did he receive it?
I don't hold a grudge. I was merely stating the facts here. I didn't use any sarcastic intonation in my comments there. And by the way, we were together 10 years, married for 6. And I'm not bitter. If I'm bitter about anything it's that I married her in the first place, as I didn't want to, and I'm angry with myself for sticking with it so long and for going through everything I went through, as I allowed it all to happen. I don't b!tch and moan to people about what happened in my marriage. I blame myself for allowing it to happen. I blame her for doing the things she did to me but I've forgiven her for it all. I don't resent her anymore. And I don't dwell on the time either. I'm not bitter. I'm happy as HELL to be on my own now! | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:47:16 PM | | As much as I see a separation as an ending, I don't date men who are merely separated. My reason is that I saw myself reconcile MANY times with an ex over a number of years (and during a number of separations). So even though a prospective dating partner may well-intend going forward with the divorce, it still remains to be seen. And even though most separations are destined for divorce - there's a period of mourning, during and after, where the parties should be licking their wounds and reshuffling their emotional decks to better accommodate a new love relationship. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:36:39 PM | I would say NO, but i recently had an experience of getting close to someone on this site. We chatted and met and one of the comments he made was "he would make me get a divorce" when i asked why? He informed me that as far as he was concerned it was like being with some other man's wife.
I guess what i am saying is that i did not realise that being separated was a "red flag" to potential relationships out there | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/6/2008 4:25:26 PM |
Carpe Diem you make a very valid point. Drawing attention to her soon-to-be ex-hubby's infidelity while at the same time looking for men to date is hypocritical.
absolutely not................she did not choose infidelity.....he stepped out of the marriage by his own free will, she was not a consideration....it's entirely on him, she owes him nothing....including consideration, which i would not be so gracious to offer...
'hypocritical' comments are abundant in this thread.....most unfortunately.... | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/6/2008 4:35:42 PM | | Separation is the first step for a divorce.He walked out on you guess what the marriage is over,wake up.Plus the fact he's going against the marriage vows.Sleeping with another woman.Get a goo lawyer and go for it.You deserve better than that bum.Tech. its not .Your not living as wife and husband anymore,as its called cohabitating,having sex.Get on with your life say goodbye to this a hole and find someone better.Your a good looking woman. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:16:30 PM | Slady52,
Sorry your marriage is over....That being said your X cheated during your marriage thats grounds for divorce in many states, and in some cases shortens the seperation time, before divorce is final.
I was married for 11 yr myself. I do not think dating is cheating if you are no longer cohabitating. In my state its not even concidered cheating ,even if your still married ,
if you do everything but intercourse...imagine that.
Ask your lawyer, and if you don't have one get one now and file, your state will have DIFFERENT LAWS.
Do move on, your doing the right thing.
Chagal116 | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:19:01 AM | of course bloody not, how narrow minded?? ive been seperated a year and there was no way on earth id sit around and act like a nun while waiting for divorce....
had a fling with a guy who upon finding out i wasnt divorced accused me of adultry and told me he was a good christian boy....i pointed out if he was a good christian boy he wouldnt be sleeping with me before marriage anyway  | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:42:34 AM | | If you are both still in love then you should wait for those feelings to go away over time until entering a new realationship. Otherwise, I guess you can interperet it as cheating. It comes down to feelings. If you are in love with someone and you sleep with someone else it can be called cheating. Again, it all depends. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:38:47 PM | | Cheating is cheating---Mine just moved out a month ago. We had lived together 4 years and a month ago he started acting strange, going out, staying out late. His dad almost died and I think it hurt him, so on line, then at bar then next thing I know I find out he left becuase another woman is pregnant with his child. When he left he made me think it was something I said as I had asked him why he was acting weird. I have looked for professional advise and found that all men need a challenge, this does not excuse the cheating but justifies it some as I was told it is not me and that I am to much as a friend, not a threat as they know I will be faithful so the challenge presents itself and they go for it for what ever reason. I have begged him back as he is my true best friend and we never did anything apart a little over a month. Can I forgive him or even trust him again if he did come back, I don't know. I just don't want to lose my friend of 4 years and all I want to do is be there for him becuase I know he is hurting. We are just designed differently. Until the divorce, he is still cheating as he is not with you. My out look on it but what do I know. I am 39 never married no children, just pick the wrong men. Hang in there. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:46:41 PM | | The person who is "cheating" during a seperation, is only cheating themselves. Let me explain. The "seperation period is set aside in order to give others a chance to think. It is "too soon" to start dating, because they are experiencing the GRIEVING PROCESS. This process can be scarey, and very lonely. ... so much that the newly seperated person is tempted to DATING, and being promiscuous, in order to ESCAPE the pain of the LOSS OF A TWELVE YEAR MARRIAGE! Don"t even be concerned about him cheating. This is a rebound relationship, and when the honeymoon phase of this newfound love wears thin, then he will be AMBUSHED BY THE GRIEF AND LOSS OF YOU. He is medicating himself with the cheap thrill of meeting someone new, and is doomed for failure in this, because he is too CHICKEN to go through the transitional pain of learning to live by himself. | |
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bcdale
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Joined: 4/1/2008
Msg: 146 | |
| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:15:17 PM | why are you asking if he cheated.. you caught him.. just accept that he made a choice.. and when he moved out that very day.. that was sealing the deal.. don't try and own this by asking if he did wrong.. .. just move on and don't entertain the thoughts of what could have been and everything that goes along with that train of thought.. also.. you are on a dating site.. maybe you need to close your account and take the time to heal.. before using some unsuspecting man as a rebounder..because that's just not cool. him messing around on you and you joining a dating site.. answer this: do you think you two will ever make it... if the answer is no then forget about it.. who cares what he was up to.. have fun you.. i know its hard but it gets easier ever single day.. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/9/2008 9:44:58 PM | | It all depends...if you are both working toward a divorce, then no...but if you are both working toward reconciling, then yes. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:04:06 PM | | Let me put this out in the air, my ex-wife was engaged and had a date set less the 30 days after we separated. But she wasn't doing anything with him until after we separated. Do you believe her. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:14:53 PM | If you're separated for whatever reason, you are allowed to do what you want. The separation can be two weeks, it can be a month. As far as I'm concerned you're flying solo.
If you've been separated for 6 months, it don't matter if you're still technically married. Its just a piece of paper, and divorce could take time and money to legalize. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:20:59 AM | Smileee4u,
I absolutely, wholeheartedly agree with what you said above here. But at what point can a person be considered free of the guilt and pain and heartache associated with a relationship failure? For some it takes years and others it's a matter of days or weeks or months. But everyone else seems to have some sort of a set range in their minds and if you are outside of that then you are OBVIOUSLY not ready or way too prepared. In my case I had seen it coming for years. I wanted out for probably the last two three years of the marriage. I slowly readied myself. I started to detach. My then-wife was already going out way more and not wanting to spend much time at home with me and the kids so it was rather easy. I really had a problem accepting the fact that the kids would be the martyrs in this whole thing, but eventually I had an epiphany and decided that they kids were being more victimized by us staying married than if we divorced. They were suffering because of our distance and lack of family time. So when I finally said those fateful words it was more of a relief that it was FINALLY over than a heartache. I had a lot of anger and resentment to move past but I focused all my energy on that and not on the usual going out with my friends and looking for women that alot of people on the mend or rebound do. It took me a matter of about 5 weeks probably before I could see with a straight face and be happy about it "I am not mad at her....I forgive her". Granted I get mad at her a couple times a week still, but that's for a totally different reason! LOL She's a bit difficult! So while I was likely okay to start dating right out of the gates as I had no emotional attachment to her and I wasn't upset I didn't find it fair to anyone to deal with my resentment towards her, because lets face it the topic ALWAYS comes up in conversations with dates. People always say they hate hearing about the other person's ex but yet they always ask questions! | |
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