| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:33:48 AM | is me thinking that a man will like someone based on their personality, and not their appearance, a possibility?
I would have to say that it is highly likely that men here will like you regardless of what little, grainy picture you have posted on your profile. I could see you not getting many suitors if you were an ugly 400Lb "whale" with an acne problem who has nothing going in her life. But that is not the case here:)
I respond to messages regardless of the picture and even if there is no picture at all
That right there makes you a diamond in the rough. You have the intelligence and moral capacity to see beyond the superficialities that MTV and People Magazine instruct you to follow. Too bad you live way over in Jersey!
I know this is not the profile review section of the forum, but I might as well give you a little advice while you're here.
Your age restrictions are quite narrow. Be a little more lax with the age restriction, you'd probably be surprised by how many guys try to message you who get the old "Qamila does not wish to talk to you, and is not looking for what you are looking for. Return to your inbox". I just tried to send you a message by the way!
You are by no means "Big&Tall/BBW". Be more honest with yourself (and others) about your appearance. You are more of an "average" in my book;)
Maybe some guys are just not ready for a "Long term relationship" right off the bat! I would assume that one is "Dating" before they go into the abyss of something considered "long term", right?
Finally, yes, more pictures of you closer to the lens would probably do wonders. But then again, maybe you just want to keep it that way so that the "bad guys" don't just message you to ask for a quick fling. It's all up to you!
I see you list "Tainos" as an interest. I have read a few books about the Tainos and their experience with the Spanish. Are you an Indigenous rights type of person? What do you feel about Leonard Peltier? | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:03:30 AM | Well, I'm Dominican so my heritage is from the Tainos...
Ok...I changed my age restrictions...good advice.
I guess I was going by the national height & weight scale which means that I'm not at my "ideal weight." But, you're right...I should write what I believe, not what society thinks.
I put "long term" because that's my goal...but it's true that dating comes first:)
And hey...whales happen to be my favorite mammals in the entire sea...they are the most beautiful creatures...protectors and noble:) | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 5:18:13 AM | | Princesskimmy, Isn't it interesting how StarryNight appreciated my words, and you resort to name-calling. I guess it goes to show how very different everyone is in this wide world, and how everyone comes up with their own interpretation of what they observe. And it looks like OP has graciously taken many of the suggestions offered here (mine and others) and has chosen to give up on giving up. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 5:47:24 AM | | Qamila, You have to give it more time. I've been on here for 2 years now. I will say that I have met some really nice and decent people on here. But sadly I've delt with a whole lot of silly stuff from many many people. Some are mature and many are not. I think it's fair to say that maybe 30 to 35% of people here are decent and it takes time to find them. Just remember that you have to deal with a lot of unnecessary silly stuff and very rude people until you do run into someone that is sincere about meeting another. And when you do find someone, it may not always be a match. But at least you've made a friend. It's all part of being on a dateing site. And a "FREE" one at that! Best of luck to you and everyone else! | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 7:52:43 AM | OP: You've only been on POF for a month. Give it some time. If there are POF events in your area, attend them. If not, start some. Be sure you are also using other singles groups. Find a singles volunteer group in your area -- we have at least 2 in Kansas City so I'm sure there are some in NJ.
Your main pic is supposed to be a recognizable face shot of yourself. That would help.
You look like a fun, diverse woman. Give it some time and effort and I think you'll find what you're looking for (and what you deserve).
Good luck! | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:49:01 PM | Hi Quamila,
I dont know if am coming or going at the moment I have a really strange problem my fiance and I decided to have a break away from each other for three months then sunddely a chick who he went out with seven times is now trying to get him back due to she will be forty next year and wants to settle down and he says that he does love me but he doesnt want to upset her.
And today he said that one of us has to go and I told him that am not going anywhere she is .
Am sick of feeling this way all my friends care about me I know but its only so much They can say.
Am sick of feeling like crap and my heart is breaking due am really starting to loose hope.
Nerrie | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:08:08 PM | | Hi...I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. I know that at this moment it's difficult for you to not feel anything else but confusion and sadness. I believe that if someone is supposed to be for you then they will stay with you. If they don't want to stay, then they are not supposed to be for you...when one door closes, another one opens. And I know that you can't begin to see that right now because you're probably clouded with many emotions and memories, etc...but just hang in there. Just go out a lot with your friends...see the world around you and find and do things that make you happy. Even though I've been sort of losing hope about finding someone that will like me for who I am inside...I know that life is not about that. It's about discovering YOURSELF and everything that you have to offer the world. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:20:29 AM | I dont know if am coming or going at the moment I have a really strange problem my fiance and I decided to have a break away from each other for three months then sunddely a chick who he went out with seven times is now trying to get him back due to she will be forty next year and wants to settle down and he says that he does love me but he doesnt want to upset her.
Nerrie,
He loves you but doesn't want to upset this other person??? If he REALLY loved you, there wouldn't be anyone else in his life. You need to get him out of yours and move on. You deserve SO MUCH better!
I was in a relationship for a very long time and all of a sudden he wanted another girlfriend and I told him that once he walks out the door to not bother walking back through it. His little fling lasted 6 months and SHE walked out on him and he tried crawling back on his hands and knees and I said NO I DESERVE BETTER AND AM GOING TO FIND IT!
I know it's tough and it hurts really, really bad, but you can work thru it and come out the other side a much, much stronger person. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:53:39 AM | | I've been single for 5 years after divorce, have dated regularly for the past 2 years (and been badly dumped again after a 9 month relationship - he found someone better for him), have been on most dating sites, singles clubs, dinner clubs, dance clubs, sports clubs.....I have met loads of really nice people, but the love of my life??? No. I don't know where he is or why he is taking so long to find me, and I have finally been losing hope after managing to keep positive for a long time. The words on this site, Canoist and also renegadeoutlaw, that kind of thing helps to boost up the hope feelings again. Thanks, I think making the most of your life, your friends, your work, and just giving the universe the best chance possible to help you out - whether now or when you are 60, love doesn't know age - and enjoying life in the meantime is really the best most of us can do ......thanks for the hope boost! | |
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| looks are only skin deep
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:08:50 AM | | Hi i know what u mean. I to have tried to do this dating site without putting a pic on the site. Not because im ugly i have been told many times that i am stunning,but i want to find someone that likes me for me not the way i look. When u speak to some of the men on the site they dont want to know about u just if u are goodlooking and look like a 21 year old instead of in your fortys.I have got past trying to find a decent man now think most of them are shallow. Its been hard after been with someone for 10 years but think if u cant find a person that likes u for u and not looks then, they are not worth spending your time on elaine Hull | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:44:24 PM |
It seems like all men are after are the playboy fantasy and most women don't look like that.
Definitely not the case here OP. I don't have the high standards many men and women have for their "ultimate" mate, SO, or whatever. I am just looking for someone that will accept me for me, kind of a plain Jane type and no, believe it or not, not ALL of us men are looking for the Playboy type women, I'm not, just as I don't believe most ALL women are looking for that GQ model type, but I'm sure most would like that. I agree with you OP, it takes a special someone to be able to look inside and see the value of the person and what makes them special and they seem to be very difficult to find as I have been experiencing here lately. I have approached those that I felt "might" not have such high standards and might actually want to attempt to talk to me only to have my emails been going read/deleted w/o so much as a thanks, but you're not my type. Oh well, the search continues, and I will say there Qamilia, I looked at your profile and have to say, you look very attractive and I bet you'd be a lot of fun to hang out with, good luck in your search. And maybe it is the type of people you are around that is making things so difficult, but at any rate I still wish you well and much luck, you'll find him soon enough, hang in there.  | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:05:21 PM | It's nice to know that not all men are looking for the playboy type woman...why does it seem that way? Maybe it's the area I'm in or the people around me?? I'm not looking for the gq type guy, either.
Don't you think that society makes people believe that it's more important for women to be considered good-looking than men? | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/3/2008 1:50:18 AM |
It's nice to know that not all men are looking for the playboy type woman.
Actually, the vast majority of men don't have the luxury of being picky. The only guy's who do are either GQ-status (as you have alluded) or are relatively wealthy. One has to have options in order to be selective. As most men here have very few (if any) options in terms of women to date, they cannot be choosy. As they say, "beggars can't be choosers" (not to imply that men are 'begging'!)
Don't you think that society makes people believe that it's more important for women to be considered good-looking than men?
I think it's about even. Watch MTV for an hour (if you can) and you will see that men and women alike are conned into believing that they should only relate with people who look 'hot', or very physically attractive. It's not only MTV, but all of mainstream media who lead people to set their standards so high that they only date the same, select group of others who have an exponentially higher set of options than do most others. This leads to a 'feast or famine' type of situation regarding the dating scene. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/3/2008 2:23:26 AM | Stoopid gurlz make me feel smart | |
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| looks are only skin deep
Posted: 4/3/2008 10:16:33 PM | | Hey Elaine65, know where you are coming from.......really hard. Hang in there. I don't know either if there will ever be another 'special' one - lots of guys just seem to like to date a bit, keep their options open, and keep giving you the I dont want a relationship line.......maybe just a lot of options for guys these days. Anyway, I agree you just have to fly solo if you can't find someone who wants you just the way you are...... | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/4/2008 1:41:55 AM | ive given up on ever being in a relationship again. ive found the following results of some convos and they are not inspiring by any means. like
got chatting to someone on here and basically was told im too intelligent for him, i was wondering if i should then have my brain re wired, so that i become completly thick, mayb then i might actually find someone.
another felt it would dent his male ego if i was on the same level of intelligence as him, jeeez well up himself.
then there is the other extreme, who think with their bxxxs, when the only topic of convo is about sex, about their tackle its size,
one guy on here feels that all women in their 40s plus are no longer useful for anything even sex.
jeeez it does make me wonder. so ive given up hope altogther. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/4/2008 1:53:25 AM | you're going about this all wrong.
when you get close to someone, they *will* get comfortable and air their dirty laundry.
everyone has a motive. everyone. including you.
the problem? you're putting too much hope on people.
the solution? find someone that has a motive you can accept.
everyone you find has some hidden motive for being with you.
everyone will use you for something. what for, is the question.
message me if you want to talk about this further | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/4/2008 2:05:24 AM | | they say it takes seconds for 1st impressions (and I agree we ALL do this) it can take a life time to get to know someone.....the book may look inviting yet after a couple of pages your bored and move on...does that say something about you or the book? | |
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pfishy
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Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 42 | |
| Why is it that men are first attracted physically to a woman and then THAT is what starts or ignites
Posted: 4/4/2008 4:01:53 AM | | It is simply instinct. Initial attraction is based purely on physical appearance. If you look strong and healthy, you will appear to be a more desirable mate. If you look weak and sickly, the odds of future offspring's survival is potentially very slim. Almost all initial reactions to a person are based on that person's physical appearance. It isn't because someone is shallow and only cares how you look, its instinct telling THEM whether you are a physically suitable match. Its nothing personal, its just the business of indefinate continuation of the species. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/4/2008 5:42:59 AM | | problem is , both sexes go throough the same problem. All the women in my life that I've met always thought that I was cute and had a great physique. That doesn't say their not attracted to inward beauty as well. We like kittens, parks, travelling, clothing, etc because we are visually stimuled. You should ask the question then, why do we have eyes? The reason we dont eat human excrement is because it doesn't taste or smell good. Yet you never hear your poo saying "you dont like me cuase I dont smell good" | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/5/2008 11:46:27 PM | I understand what everyone is saying. But, in my experience, I've heard men say: "Wow, look at that girl...she's so pretty...let me ask her out." I hardly hear a man say:" Wow, look at that girl, she's so intelligient and smart...let me ask her out."
For me, my initial attraction to a man is not because of the way he looks. It's usually because of something he's saying that makes sense to me or that makes me want to talk more to him. It could be that we have similar interest...Or it could just be something that he's helped someone with that makes me want to get to know him more.
What attracts me to clothing is the way that I think it's going to look on me. What attracts me to a man is not the way he looks...he could look "gorgeous" to society's standards, but that does not mean I'm going to feel attracted to him.
I guess that when it comes to men, I'm not 'visually stimulated.' I think that men are WAY more visually stimulated than women will ever be. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:42:14 AM |
Recently, I've been sort of losing hope and think that maybe it's impossible to find a man who will be with you for who you are. It seems like all men are after are the playboy fantasy and most women don't look like that. Maybe I've been around the wrong people?? I'm the kind of person who values what the person has inside; their personality, intelligience, talents, humor, etc... Why is it that men are first attracted physically to a woman and then THAT is what starts or ignites their desire to get to know them more? Why can't it be the other way around? Just get to know someone regardless of what they look like or if they do or don't feel a physical attraction towards them...and then see what happens?
Recently, I've been sort of losing hope and think that maybe it's impossible to find a woman who will be with you for who you are. It seems like all women are after are the playgirl fantasy and most men don't look like that. Maybe I've been around the wrong people?? I'm the kind of person who values what the person has inside; their personality, intelligience, talents, humor, etc... Why is it that women are first attracted physically to a woman and then THAT is what starts or ignites their desire to get to know them more? Why can't it be the other way around? Just get to know someone regardless of what they look like or if they do or don't feel a physical attraction towards them...and then see what happens?
Ironic no? | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:46:44 PM | | What's your point? I'm not here to trash men...I believe that I have the right to express my feelings. I've never said that men have never felt the same way that I do about women. All I want to do is understand humans more...their motivations and their actions. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/7/2008 10:42:37 AM | Never lose, give up, or let go of hope. Its truely the most precious gift we're given sometimes it allows us to accomplish so much more in life hope is a powerful powerful thing.
As for understanding humans I can make that pretty simple albeit very unpopular and politically incorrect. Humans of today basically have decided to be in one of three catagories.
Those that want to de-evolve back into animals ruffly akin to sheep. These are the ones who come up with all sorts of excuses for basically base and bad behaviour. The ones running around claiming attraction is universal etc.
Those that just want to go with the flow because well its just the way they are.
Those that use their brains, realize that what makes us evolved and the "dominate species" of the planet is our ability to reason and choose to do so.
Once you come to understand that the rest of the motivations are simple. Group one reacts pretty much out of fear of anything not like it or it doesn't understand. Therefore if you don't meet what it expects and wants you must be bad or defective and you might make them bad or defective if they acknowlege you and so you get the issues and additudes you've already noted.
Group two realizes group one is stupid base and useless but is afraid if they openly point this out or exemplify that there is nothing to fear they will be turned on by group one and made outcast and labeled as "wrong"
Group three pretty much tries to wake up group one and two and raise them out of the dust they've fallen into and as such usually is frustrated, but carries on anyway. Group three is pretty much in the minority. Also group three often gets confused by members of group two who pretend when convenient to them to be of group three but still hold that anything different from them is scarey and bad.
Does that help at all? 
On a slighty more serious note, You live in the NY area you are in one of the areas where image counts on a level most will never understand or see. Pretty much LA area, NY area, and probably DC area are the most image focused in the country. Not much comfort to give on that other then learn not to let it bother you :) | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/7/2008 11:00:50 AM | If you really think this way perhaps you should give up.
The reality is everyone reacts to a person on a physical level first, this is true of both men and women. But I will make a deal with you ... I will find 5 guys for you to take out (you pay) and get to know in your area based on what the write in their profile not their photos. Up for the challenge?
You will meet someone that you work for and he works for you on every level, don't let a few bumps in the road discourage you. | |
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