| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:15:09 PM | People calm down!!! This is a person who asked for honest feedback and I am seeing a lot of criticism instead. When I was her age, I did a lot of really [u]stupid [/u] things with my relationships and I didn't have the courage to ask for help.
Dear Melissa
I hope that the things that I say will not offend you in any way. I believe in your message that you have actually raised three issues. The poking thing is actually the easiest thing to dismiss. You are correct. It is entirely inappropriate for him to be "poking" anyone (man or woman) in the workplace. One of these days, someone will poke him with a sexual harassment suit and snap it off at the hilt.
The second thing has to do with forgiving yourself. I have reached a wise old age so I only screw up on days with a "Y" in them. There are very few people who don't make mistakes and you probably don't want to be remembered as "Saint Melissa". You made a mistake. Do you think you will do it again? When you were a child, you probably made mistakes on spelling tests. Do you punish yourself for spelling kat?
You learned how to do it right and carried on. Same thing with your behavior. You learn how to do it right and carry on.
The last thing - should you continue on in your relationship? When I was your age, sex, love and pain were three powerful narcotics. I made a lot of bad decisions while under their influence. It is a choice that you and your partner must discuss. On my profile, I described a concept called the "Prisoner's Dilemma". Your relationship is a really good example of how relationships break down because of it. The two of you started off on equal footing treating each other fairly etc. You did something. While it was going on, I imagine you "won" while your boyfriend was hurt. Now he will hurt you no matter how you act. In time the two of you will just keep hurting each other.
Based on this model of behavior, you need to either quit (move on) or experience some event that will reset your relationship back to the point where you are nice to each other again. You need to seriously discuss this with your boyfriend. Perhaps you could get a friend to act as a mediator. There are a number of women on this thread that in other areas have given really good advice. I am sure that once they have stopped their ranting they could give you better advice. I have come to value their opinions and I am sure that they would be a better help when they calmed down. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:40:53 PM | Hello Melissa
I am going to say this as nicely as I can as soon as I post this. This is copied from an abuse site.
Posted from http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm
The Tension-Building Stage: The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.
The Abuse Stage: A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.
The Remorse Stage: Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.
As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.
The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle.
Now. I married a lady that was the "perfect girl." She made sure that she always had her "dating face" on and we would have a wonderful time. She was sweet, demure, easy to talk to, easy to like... and then we got married.
I was married to her for seven years. Some may say I had none, others might say I was stupid. But in reality, I was determined that I could make the relationship work and that tomorrow, always tomorrow, she would calm down and start acting normal. There were days where she would, and those were nice, sweet and wonderful. We had some really great times. We also had some really nasty times.
Do you know what it is like to go to work wearing a turtleneck because your wife of five years tried to choke you to death the night before? That is before she called the ambulance and police. She knew that she had to cover her tracks so she would call them, break down in to sobs and claim that I had beat her. Most of the time it did not work as the police were smart enough and had seen it enough to not believe her. Once it did.
I came home, she was sitting in front of a space heater with a blanket around her feet. It was smoking. I pulled the plug on the heater and she screamed and came after me. She nearly killed me. The neighbors called the police. They came, saw the fight and decided that "I" was going to go to jail. (I wonder if they didn't do it on purpose to wake me up) The judge heard my story the next morning and he told me to get out while I was alive.
I tried to divorce her. She accused me of every vile thing she could think of because she had lost control... and losing control was just TOO much for her. She HAD to have revenge, the nastier the better. It almost cost me my freedom. But the judge wasn't buying it. He dismissed the charges, gave me split custody of the kids and I was going to live happily ever after... right?
Not on your life.
She immediately started to try to find someone that would kill me. I have to say it was God helping me, because the person she tried to hire was a friend of mine that I had not seen in years. He played it off and then came to tell me. After some sleepless nights and a full blown investigation by the state police, I was told that she was serious, it was going to be hard to catch her, and I should strongly consider relocating and not telling her where I was going.
I tried to get the kids but the laws in that state strongly favored the female. I went broke and was unable to keep fighting. After the death threats and the warnings I ended up moving. I didn't get to see my kids for a long time because as soon as I moved, she left as well. It took years to find them again.
I remember walking down the street when we were first dating. I saw a lady on the side of the street that was nice looking. She slapped me for looking and really loudly said "What're you looking at?" It embarrassed me at the time. Now, I would know how to deal with it, but I was a wet behind the ears 18 year old and had no idea how to deal with someone that was acting so psychotic.
The man (child) you are abusing needs help to recover from you. He also needs a restraining order. I truly pray that you do not have kids with him. He does not deserve to be treated like you are treating him.
I have my guess that you were either seriously abused, or were spoiled rotten and given everything you screamed for. It could be anything else... but in the case of my ex it was sexual abuse - bad, violent abuse. She could not form relationships at all, and honestly thought that control was love. I still feel sorry for her... from a distance. The last I heard she had married a man who is in prison - and has a really pretty daughter that kills animals for the fun and attention of it.
Michelle.
Please get some help.
No one deserves to be treated like you are treating him. He has done nothing wrong, and you are drawing him into your possessive abusive life. If he really cares about you, he will give you enough to let you seriously damage him because he does not know what you are capable of. He has his eyes closed because he cares, and it is sad that you intend to use that to destroy him.
You are an abuser. You need help. It is sad that you will have to do something to phycically hurt him before the police can get involved... but whenthey do I seriouly pray that htey force HIM into councelling to help him heal from the abuse and damage you are doing to him.
You are an abuser. You hurt people to please yourself. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 12:10:36 AM | OP:
I read your post...and this crazy bumper sticker saying comes to mind...
"Love with open arms...If it comes back to you, it's yours...
If it doesn't...hunt it down and kill it!"
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 12:21:03 AM | It sounds like you're carrying a lot of jealousy in the relationship.
This is unhealthy no matter how you slice it. He is right, you need to be able to overcome your jealousy issues and trust him in order to treat him with the respect and trust a partner deserves.
If you do not believe he is being faithful then leave him. If you do believe he is being faithful then trust him to be faithful and stop worrying about it and getting emotional about superficial jibing between him and other women.
I can tell you first hand I was a very jealous person in my first serious relationship and so was my partner. We made each other miserable getting upset over stupid things like talking to other girls/guys. Yet both of us were completely worthy of trust and wouldn't have cheated on one another for anything. Yet we ruined the relationship by letting jealous emotions run wild and creating so much negativity.
As always, I can't claim to judge perfectly since it's your life and its impossible to describe everything going on.... but from what you've said, I have to side with your boyfriend. You want to be truly loving and caring then trust him and give him his space. If he loves and cares for you back he will greatly appreciate it and treat you better for it. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 12:27:36 AM | Gideon that was an incredible story. I'm glad to hear you were able to get out of it ok in the end, and it's terrible that she was allowed custody of the kids through everything.
But there are many levels of abuse, and I don't believe this poster qualifies on the same level as your ex wife. I agree she is being abusive though, and must stop or quit the relationship.
Also got quite a laugh out of the fact that through all her jealousy, someone pointed out that SHE's the one on a dating site. Harsh truth. There's a lot to this situation thats not pretty. I'm glad that the guy is standing up for himself though. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:36:48 AM | Just wondering why he cant poke or talk to another woman yet you are on a dating site looking to go on first dates with people??????
Your poor guy needs a real women, not an attention seeking little girl | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:49:26 AM | Hi, you have right to go for and get what you want. Never forget that this is your life and only you can make changes and take care of your future.
He was not going to respect you, because he was like you.
It was not about you demanding something and him not pleasing you, but about two people not mature enough to respect and tolerate each other. He could stop, but he didn't, and that seems to me like a power play, actually played by both of you. I think that you need to get stronger in who you are and what do you really want.
Move on, and take care of yourself for a while, and when you meet somebody, start slowly and with little things , I mean - to give and to expect.
Give yourself (and him) more time to test the water....good luck, There2008 | |
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TLC_
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Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 83 | |
| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 4:57:46 AM | op, for some reason, some guys just dont like a jeolous lady.
there is nothing wrong with being jealous, to me it would be nice. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 6:58:11 AM | This is not the place to sort this out.... you both need to seek professional counselling to resolve these issues....
but the bottom line is you appear to have a very low self esteem... If you believed in and loved yourself ...you would know that poking a workmate is totally different to poking you..
be prepared to work hard at this and you will spend the rest of your life a lot happier than you are able to begin to imagine at the moment.. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 7:24:58 AM | | Casual touching or poking of another person is boorish behavior under any circumstances. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 7:33:26 AM | | The moment you start to weigh who has given who what, a relationship is over. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 7:54:45 AM | | Hey Melissa , you are getting flamed girl, your question is bringing out the(feared) inner bunny boiler in all us females. We are scared the guys will think we are like that. Tainted by association and gender, so we are a bit defensive.They do have a point though, and you know it.Sadly, when people have low self esteem, dogging them and criticizing them just makes them close down to protect their spirit.To save face , they close their ears.If we want to help someone or redirect them to more positive things, we need to direct our message at the heart and leave the spirit alone. How does calling names like psycho or labeling someone help. Is it really constructive?This girl has problems , maybe for good reason. She needs professional help not having her self worth hammered. Its lack of self worth has her, where she is now. Ok lower it more, that will help.Her b/f chooses to be with her, obviously he is gaining in some way from the relationship. It is filling a need for him. It is not a healthy one though for either of them.It is easy to take the moral high ground and say we would never act like that. The righteous are never self righteous or smug. In the end we are just bags of blood and bile, clay vessels easily broken.I can understand peoples frustrations but all out criticism never works, it just makes people close down to protect them selves. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 7:59:42 AM | | Is it just me, or does anyone else think the OP & PerfectGentlemenNo1 would make a great couple? | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 9:17:34 AM | ^^^^^^ lol ^^^^^
"People calm down!!! This is a person who asked for honest feedback and I am seeing a lot of criticism instead. When I was her age, I did a lot of really [u]stupid [/u] things with my relationships and I didn't have the courage to ask for help. "
She has asked for advise before and argued with all of it, take a look at her history.
Yes she needs help and everyone (ok not everyone but a lot of people) told her she needed to seek professional help, because she wasn't going to find what she needed here. She believes that she is right and that she is the absolute final word on it. Her way or no way. Yes she's young but I have known plenty of young people that had it rough growing up, and acted nothing even close to the way the OP acts. You make your own decisions and choices in life, having a screwed up childhood is not an excuse.
"Your relationship is a really good example of how relationships break down because of it. The two of you started off on equal footing treating each other fairly etc."
No it didn't he just did and acted like she told him to and now he has decided that he can't do it anymore. Hell he lost some friends because of her. Do you know what they did to piss her off? They were guys.
vvvvvvv I noticed it too and had a little giggle over it. lol | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 9:38:57 AM | IS IT JUST ME OR HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THAT FROM POST #86 ONWARD FOR SOME TIME, THAT MOST OF THE TITLES ON THESE POST READ:
PORK ME & DIE.................
Just wasn't sure if it was just my computer or my brain or my old lady eyesight again! | |
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| Poke Men & Dish
Posted: 4/1/2008 9:58:56 AM | | I noticed that, too. It's not just you. | |
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| Poke Men & Dish
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:04:49 AM | I noticed that, too. It's not just you.
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Well then who is it?
Don't forget the two posts that said we should be kinder and gentler to the OP, is there a cool chance in Heell they are valid? | |
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| Poke Men & Dish
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:08:06 AM | "My BF and I are in an argument over him touching (poking, pat on back) a girl at his work. "
"him touching (poking, pat on back) a girl "
Dump him. Now.
What? You are still with him?
Delete. End. Terminate. Dispose. Make a t-shirt up and wear it on your next and final date that says, in pink Italics
"You are sooo Ex"
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 11:07:36 AM | WOW your attitude would have lasted 5 min with me and i would be out the door. its one thing to do things for one another. It is just wrong to force someone to do things for you to prove there allegiance to you.
It is best you two are not together. He deserves a better exsistance than to be at your feet. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:21:41 PM | Jealousy is the fear of being replaced. It is a good emotion that will, if properly used and controlled, save your marraige time and time again. If the wife fears that the husband is straying then she can help him with her jealousy and open communication.
On the other hand. Envy and selfishness are not good emotions.
Envy means that you wnat to swollow - control - dominate the other one. It means that every time they have soething that you want, you take it or make it difficult for them to enjoy it.
Selfishness is simply that. You want - and what you want is far more important than what the other wants. I'll write more later, but this did catch my eye. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:54:34 PM |
He use to do everything I say and anything I say in order to make me happy.
I still love him, but not how he treats me anymore.
I believe in "Give & Take"
okay...so where exactly do you think that this scenario can be defined as "give and take"? it sounds to me like you had him whipped, and now that he's not content to let you walk all over him and take/demand what you want, you're actually learning that it takes a bit of compromise and effort your part to make a relationship work. contrary to your beliefs...it isn't ALL ABOUT YOU, hunny!
But I did a horrible thing to him and now am paying for it.
oh and what might that have been? you hinted at it, but never said what it was. so he's poking a girl teasingly, and what did you do? if my guess is right and some infidelity was involved, how do you reason that you have any right to criticize him for something flirty but relatively harmless? | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:03:08 PM |
Is it just me, or does anyone else think the OP & PerfectGentlemenNo1 would make a great couple?
TheLimey - too cute . . wonder how long they'd last together? | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:14:17 PM | From what I have read whats the problem. It seems the only way that y ou know about him poking other girls is because he is telling you, unles you two work together. It seems like you are definately trying to control his every move. And who wants to be in a relationship like that. I can understand him catering to your every need in the beginning but after a while when you start getting to know someone it starts to simmer.
If you want to keep this relationship then lighten up a bit. No one is going to cater to all your needs. There has to be some kind of compromise.
Also, you staed that you did something horrible to him and now you are paying for it, I would just leave then. Seems like you two are arguing about the small stuff and not situating the big problems that you have. | |
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| Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 4:56:46 PM | Are you for real?
I feel terrible for you. And I feel terrible for him too. He's gotta have some major issues as well to stay with you. | |
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