| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:51:20 AM | Well first of all, she didn't answer your question. Was she or was she not seeing him while you were dating him?
Although, I think you'd have to be in a bit of denial to think they hooked up that fast after your breakup. But that's just me.
I would say forget her, it sounds like the two of them deserve each other. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:10:30 PM | Throughout life, friends come and go, as naturally as a rainy day turning into sunny smiles.. how we judge friendship is as fluid as the emotion of love. Much of this thread consists of folks extending their own desire onto others. Turn it around, what would you have done if you were indeed interested, and forget the high-school notion of best friends forever.. If you were indeed interested in someone, you would want to go for it. That said, how would you do it?
Clearly, the only way a responsible adult would do this is first assume some lack of closure on your part, then pull you aside, let you know what they intend to do to gauge your reaction, then act accordingly.
You don't need to toss out ultimatums, pinky-swears or anything else so binding. Just be real. Who is to say that this new possible relationship isn't one that will last 80 years. It is not ours to judge.
But since no mention was made, you already have your answer on how adult your friend is, and each of us will learn life lessons on their own timetable.. Let it go, forgive, move on.. life is too short for such an event to linger too long. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:22:29 PM | ^^^actually I've been presented with the same "temptation" and I NEVER did it. It could last 80 years, but the guilt I would feel for what I did to my friend might last 80 years too.
It's got nothing to do with high school, it's got to do with adults and the fact that I respect them not to do that! I never subscribed to the BFF thing in school either.
"how would I FEEL if someone did that to me" It's a simple thing that just requires an extra bit of thought. This applies to many things in life. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:09:34 PM | | I have been in the same situation. And i have to say, They were probably talking the whole time you two were dating. Like others have said.... You cant turn feelings on and off. This person is no good for you. Is not a true friend. And just let um be. Cause if you keep her as a friend and start dating someone else. More then likely she will do it again. Goes to something our parents always said. Fool me once.... Shame on you... Fool me twice.... Shame on me. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:43:42 PM | Well, I've hooked up with my friends' exs before, and its never been a big deal. There are a couple rules I follow. First, I'll only date a friends' ex if my friend initiated the break-up. If a friend causes the break up, it usually because there was nothing there, wanted someone else, or some other reason to not care. If its girl breaking up with a friend I avoid dating the girl since my friend might still be harboring feelings. Second, I try to let my friend know I have feelings or am interested. I won't ask for permission, as that's not for them to give. But I do let them know I'm not trying to sneak behind their back, I did that once and it didn't end too well.
I think you're being a little tough on your friend, and the people here aren't helping much. Especially if you initiated the break up. He's probably upset at losing you, and what better revenge then causing you to lose your best friend. If you two had been dating a while, your ex and your friend probably knew each other well. He probably got a good idea of her likes and dislikes, her interests, and her personality. All he had to do was playing into that and give the wounded puppy dog speech and she was probably putty in his hands. Its really pretty easy. Here's what I mean:
"This is just all so sudden and unexpected." Say he knows your friends is looking to get married and have kids in the next few years. "I was hoping her and I were going to settle down and take it to the next level, but I can't blame her if she's not ready for that type of commitment. Its a scary prospect." Then say he knows your friend really likes plays, or there's a concert coming soon of her favorite band. "I guess the hardest thing to deal with right now is all the plans that have been made. I mean, grandma's birthday is coming up and I got these tickets to the Avril concert that I was going to totally surprise her with, now I'm not sure what to do?" Then just top it with a little flattering and crying. "I never realized what a good a friend you were, and how lucky I am that you let me vent about your friend without you judging me. [weeping]"
That's just a dramatization, but its really not that tough to turn an ex's friend into a rebound and vindictiveness girl friend. Depending on how well your friend and your ex got along before you broke up, it can be as easy as stealing candy from a baby. Plus, did you really expect your friend to choose you over him? First, people hate ultimatums and typically reject the person proposing them. Second, your ex has probably been feeding your friend every negative comment you ever made about her, telling your friend every terrible or morally questionable thing you've done, and pointing out any of your faults. If there's nothing too juicy to tell, the truth will be stretched or accusations made up completely. Either that or they really just hit it off and are meant for each other, I guess that happens too. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:52:39 PM | Been there. Got the chatzke. Point of fact: because she was my friend, she knew the pain I was in. I didn't give an ultimatum. . . . but nevertheless she chose. He never lied about it; but she did.
This isn't "girls' games" -- this is what relationships with either men or women or children are made of: one does NOT do things to people one cares about knowing it will cause or increase their pain. Ipso facto: she is NOT your friend, and never was. That said, it takes a damned long time, and a lot of work, to get over that kind of betrayal.
Wish you luck, sweetie.
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 3:00:50 PM | | I did the same thing when I was your age. its normal for your age you have your whole life ahead of you? but it taught me a lesson and I vowed I would never do that again . I had sex with my best friends girl. I spent alot of years trying to come to tearms with that but my friend never gave up me I felt so quilty for so many years but came to reallize they had a rocky relationship back then . ask yourself why did your boy friend do that to you? was it revenge?Im sure you know the answer. confront your best friend about it. because for me and my situation I was 18 when I did that but he is still by best friend we got over it. As you mature in life you realize trully your best friend is yourself good luck! | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:08:27 PM |
Point of fact: because she was my friend, she knew the pain I was in. I didn't give an ultimatum. . . . but nevertheless she chose. He never lied about it; but she did.
This isn't "girls' games" -- this is what relationships with either men or women or children are made of: one does NOT do things to people one cares about knowing it will cause or increase their pain.
Exactly. That is the point that some people seem to be missing.
Travian: Ever had it done to you with someone you cared about? | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:59:34 PM | | That is most definitely not your best friend. My best friend is still friends with my ex which is fine and while she is free to date who ever she wants I would give my friend a swift kick in the junk if he dated her. Later on down the line, I probably wouldn't have a problem with it as long as he talked to me about it but 1 month after you broke up? That shit ain't right. | |
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ball3
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Joined: 6/1/2005
Msg: 60 | |
| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:31:24 PM | | OP I think there is kind of an unwritten rule amongst friends, you do not do that to each other. | |
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jf468
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 61 | |
| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/3/2008 11:26:24 AM | | I would never date a friend's ex. In many cases, there would be a lot of drama, hurt feelings, and possible loss of friendship(s). | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/3/2008 11:47:53 AM | | When it's over it's over and it doesn't really matter what happens next does it ? Expecting your friend to ask permission is a bit unrealistic , people generally do what they want to do . I would give yourself a bit of space and see how you feel in time . The trouble is , if they get serious , you may be expected to socialise with them . He clearly wasn't for you and you know ...I would say he is as indiscreet as she !!! Girls should always stick together , friendships always last long after the men have disappeared ... | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/3/2008 11:48:01 AM | | Ok, you should never get rid of your best friend over a guy, unless your committed to or married to him of course. Does it bother you? If so, you should discuss it with her. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/3/2008 11:59:53 AM | if she would have asked for permission... would it make it "better"?
Im just wondering... because theres a lot of people that dont like the idea of dating friends ex boyfriends at all... and theres this unwritten rule about not ever touching a man that is your friends ex boyfriend... but then playing the devils advocate I will ask...
What if you didnt fulfill him? what if you were a total bi*** to this guy and your friend saw that this guy was nice to you and you treated him like crap?
What if your friend liked him before you went out with him, yet she let you have him because she though he was a nice guy... but after you broke his heart, she decided to step in and be with him because you missed and ruined an opportunity with a great guy...
Then with that said... who is right and who is wrong? is the girlfriend still wrong because she has to put her feelings away no matter what!? | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/3/2008 7:22:55 PM | wow that's a toughy asteliapuff39!
What about this one. Your friend went out with this guy. They broke up. A year or so after they broke up he and I started chatting and hit it off. She and he were just friends now. Nothing more. She knows you are a great girl and he's a great guy, so she sets you two up. So you go on a date. You did not click at all in person. No chemistry there. You both decide to be just friends.
Years later you start talking to another guy online. He then starts talking to your friend, the same friend as before. She's mad at you. Says you try to take her guys away from her. Absolutely not true you think. So you decide to not talk to this other guy anymore. Friends are more important. Besides he seems like a player anyway.
Ok so now months later your friend starts seeing the first guy again. And for no reason at all she has stopped talking to you. When a group of friends go out, and your part of the group, she totally ignores you.
What do you think of this? Whose at fault for this friendship breaking up? | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:05:06 AM | asteliapuff
I actually treated him very well I did a lot for him that he didn't appreciate at all!!!!
He broke up with me and a lot of his family said he is just afraid of committment, as for being friends with her still I can't I would never be able to trust her ever again every time I had a boyfriend I would be afraid she would take him | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 8:25:21 AM | Gotta agree here. My closest girlfriends and I figured this out LONG ago.
OP, you are still young, but at 23 years old I knew that dating a friend's ex is taboo. This is ground for the friendship to end. I have seen girlfriends come and go in my circle of friends for this very reason
Luckily, we all have pretty wildly different taste in men. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 10:14:09 AM |
He broke up with me and a lot of his family said he is just afraid of commitment, as for being friends with her still I can't I would never be able to trust her ever again every time I had a boyfriend I would be afraid she would take him
Then you should be GLAD this friend is around... even if you dont see her as a real friend... because if the guys are stupid enough to change you for your friend... or cheat on you with your friend... is that really the type of guy you want to marry at some point or another?
You shouldnt blame your friend per se... but you should pick guys that are more loyal that even if your friend flaunts what she got... she still cant get them... and believe me... theres still good guys out there! | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 10:31:36 AM | Wow, everyone loves to bash the friend and support the OP. In my opinion, you really have to say in what they do.
yeh but the thing is her being a best friend shouldn't have even gone after him in the first place!!!
If they want to date each other, that's their choice, not yours. She does not need your permission. I am assuming she is around the same age as you and, therefore, is able to make her own decisions. The only choice you can make, is whether you want to continue being friends with her or not. That's it. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 1:34:37 PM | I believe as another has said, there are so many men in the world, why on earth go after an X of your best friend? geez
Key point here that would irk me is, it was only one week after your breakup. One would conclude that something was being initiated while you were still together, which represents a characteristic that I would not want in a best friend.
In the end, she chose him over you, and that in itself speaks of how she values your friendship sadly.
Sorry that you have had to go through this. 
I do believe there is a code between friends as well, or there is in my books. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 1:52:52 PM | | Thank you everyone for your input on this it is appreciated :) | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 2:58:28 PM | what should I do forgive her or forget her?
OP, I do think she could have waited a while before dating the boyfriend. And probably talked with you if she didn't want the issues that may come from it. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:44:39 PM | Gee. that really considerate of your friend right there. It pretty much tells you she can't be trusted after she broken the golden taboo - you never date your friends' ex cause it messes up the friendship.
I guess life is short maybe then you should but the trust may never be the same again. | |
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| Best friend dates ex
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:01:19 PM | What if the bgf would have came and told you she had feelings for your ex and wanted to date him? Would you have said yes or no? Why does she need your approval to date an ex despite what you and him might of shared? I have been in this situation before and did it behind my friends back. I would have told her how I felt first then date him, so it wasnt a surprise or shock. Does it matter that it was a week after you broke up? What if it was a year or 2 years later, would you still be feeling this way?
Broken friendships over men and women are stupid and people just need to learn how to deal with it. I know it hurts and you feel betrayed, but telling someone they cant do something because he/she once belonged to you is insane!! Communicating is really important for any relationship/friendship to work and last. | |
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