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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:29:58 PM |
Now a woman who is accustomed to getting fawned over by every guy in the place encounters someone who is unaffected by her. In fact, he's not making any effort whatsoever to impress her, even going so far as to tease her when she snorted while laughing. Now she's a lot less likely to lump him in with all the other losers who have kept telling her how awesome she is.
I have a question about this theory. Wouldn't a guy who's unaffected by a woman not bother talking to her or approaching her at all? To me a "neg" seems like an attempt to get her attention so that you can show her no attention. How about just walk past her and don't make eye contact? If the theory of opposite is correct, never talking to her at all should make her melt like butter and stalk you till closing time, no? | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:53:10 PM |
Wouldn't a guy who's unaffected by a woman not bother talking to her or approaching her at all?
And if he doesn't approach her then he never gets to talk to her at all.
To me a "neg" seems like an attempt to get her attention so that you can show her no attention.
Pretty much.
How about just walk past her and don't make eye contact?
And then what happens? You end up being the wallflower.
If the theory of opposite is correct, never talking to her at all should make her melt like butter and stalk you till closing time, no?
Um, no. Doesn't work that way.
She is only going to "melt like butter" if and when she is attracted to you. If you haven't been graced with Adonis-like features, then that ain't gonna happen just by walking past her. The purpose of the neg is to keep her from putting up all sorts of barriers that would prevent her from getting to know you at all. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:02:40 PM | | What are you all talkin about? You can't even talk in a CLUB, they're too loud to have a intellengent conversation in. Bars yes... Whenever I go out to the club the music is so dang loud that I can't understand a word she's saying anyways. Clubs and Bars are both horrible places to meet woman. If you want to find a true companion, it's better not to search. In my oppinion a true companion is met spiratically. Not planned. She could be a friend, or a friend's aquaintence, a girl you meet in the grocery store because she dropped a dozen egg's and made a mess in isle 12. Don't "search" just be ready when that special moment happens in front of your eyes when you know it's the right time to make your move. Maybe that was a little off topic but anyways, there's my two cents. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:04:10 PM |
What are you all talkin about? You can't even talk in a CLUB, they're too loud to have a intellengent conversation in.
Yeah, I agree. I've tried meeting women in clubs and it just doesn't work for me. The only place you can actually speak to someone is on the smoking patio, and since I don't date smokers... | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:10:42 PM | (it's 'advice', not 'advise' .. sorry, just had to ~ 'advice' - noun, 'advise' - verb, and sounds like "advize".)
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.. this is hypothetical because I'm not looking, but if I were, and were sitting at a bar hoping to meet someone, the most appealing approach would be this:
Guy walks over to me, leans against the bar next to me and, without looking my way for a few moments, clears his throat and looks at me, but in a way that suggests I may have spinach in my teeth.
He keeps a totally straight face, and says "so ... ?"
.. prompting me, of course, to say .. "so .. ? so what?"
Okay. He now has his opening, and I have no idea where I stand, so he already has the upper hand.
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:13:15 PM | And if he doesn't approach her then he never gets to talk to her at all.
Naturally - but if he wants her to think he's unaffected, he'd not visibly care about this.
"To me a "neg" seems like an attempt to get her attention so that you can show her no attention."
Pretty much.
So in essence, a woman who had half a brain would know that since you broke the ice regardless of what you said to her, you have some interest and are trying to get her attention....because if you weren't you wouldn't be standing there talking.
And then what happens? You end up being the wallflower.
Sometimes, but (unless you were desperate about it), you would appear to be there enjoying yourself, instead of on a mission.
"If the theory of opposite is correct, never talking to her at all should make her melt like butter and stalk you till closing time, no?"
Um, no. Doesn't work that way.
She is only going to "melt like butter" if and when she is attracted to you. If you haven't been graced with Adonis-like features, then that ain't gonna happen just by walking past her. The purpose of the neg is to keep her from putting up all sorts of barriers that would prevent her from getting to know you at all.
Ahhh....but if she's attracted to you already, nothing you say or do will make much difference, she'll still melt like butter - regardless. If she's not - again, nothing you say or do will make much difference. The barriers are there and do get put up automatically based on certain triggers, but they are mostly there for men we're not attracted to (or think we are, but then they say or do something to change that).
You can certainly sidestep the barriers and talk to her casually if she's not attracted to you, but doesn't see you as trying to make a conquest, or is attracted to you, but in autopilot (the former is true most of the time). It's mostly for conversation, but it's not usually the way to end up dating her.
What are you all talkin about? You can't even talk in a CLUB, they're too loud to have a intellengent conversation in.
Exactly - it's not for intelligent conversation. It's for drinks, dancing and having fun. Women don't want to talk in clubs...they talk to their friends before they get there and after they leave....but while there, it's mostly a place to let loose and just have a good time. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:22:40 PM |
Naturally - but if he wants her to think he's unaffected, he'd not visibly care about this.
And, in the end, he doesn't. If she isn't interested in him, then someone else will be. But he's *never* going to get a woman interested in him if he never approaches in the first place.
To paraphrase Wayne Gretzky -- 100% of women you never talk to will never date you.
So in essence, a woman who had half a brain would know that since you broke the ice regardless of what you said to her, you have some interest and are trying to get her attention....because if you weren't you wouldn't be standing there talking.
And how would she know that he wanted to talk to *her* and not one of the other members of the group? Maybe he's really interested in her friend. Maybe he's just a sociable guy.
Sometimes, but (unless you were desperate about it), you would appear to be there enjoying yourself, instead of on a mission.
You certainly don't look like you're enjoying yourself if you're deliberately avoiding everybody.
Ahhh....but if she's attracted to you already, nothing you say or do will make much difference, she'll still melt like butter - regardless. If she's not - again, nothing you say or do will make much difference.
I disagree. Most women are a lot more turned on by their ears than they are by their eyes. And it's women that have told me this. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:32:58 PM |
So in essence, a woman who had half a brain would know that since you broke the ice regardless of what you said to her, you have some interest and are trying to get her attention....because if you weren't you wouldn't be standing there talking.
Yep, such is the fickle nature of "courtship." The main point of negs is to avoid conveying clinginess and putting the woman on a pedestal. When women are in a group (which is often in bars), they tend to block out men who are showing too much interest in one person right away, as I'm sure you know firsthand...
if she's attracted to you already, nothing you say or do will make much difference...
they are mostly there for men we're not attracted to (or think we are, but then they say or do something to change that).
Huh?? I can't get past this apparent contradiction of attraction being unchangeable and then changeable. Just for the record, I do believe attraction can be created. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:43:49 PM |
And, in the end, he doesn't. If she isn't interested in him, then someone else will be. But he's *never* going to get a woman interested in him if he never approaches in the first place.
To paraphrase Wayne Gretzky -- 100% of women you never talk to will never date you.
Fair enough - since I am not the typical female, I can only imagine what works on them. I guess it's tricky business to get them to not only get into a frame of mind to meet anyone at all, but to in fact want to meet you and take it somewhere. It just seems like a lot of work, when going out, having fun and talking to everyone with no agenda whatsoever is a bit less stressful. But hey if this works for you and you have and aresenal of women to choose from because of it, then I can't argue. I was more curious..
And how would she know that he wanted to talk to *her* and not one of the other members of the group? Maybe he's really interested in her friend. Maybe he's just a sociable guy.
Ya got me there, in my case there's no particular group I stand with, so I can't imagine that scenario either. However if there were one, I'd assume those of us who thought you werent talking to us would clear out so you could talk to your intended target. But that's just my friends, again if its working for you I can't really comment.
You certainly don't look like you're enjoying yourself if you're deliberately avoiding everybody.
I don't recall ever saying you should avoid everybody - I said that you should relax and make sure you don't throw off a vibe that says you're on the hunt. Just "be". Whatever comes of it, conversations, phone numbers, nothing at all - be ok with that.
I disagree. Most women are a lot more turned on by their ears than they are by their eyes. And it's women that have told me this.
Yeah, I don't know anything about that. If I find a man attractive, I see him long before he pays me any attention (if he does at all)...he can approach me or not, but I take a good survey of my surroundings when I enter a place...
Huh?? I can't get past this apparent contradiction of attraction being unchangeable and then changeable. Just for the record, I do believe attraction can be created.
No contradiction. If we're attracted, then we are attracted. Barriers we have up are for those we're not attracted to, or can be put in place once someone we're initially attracted to changes our minds by being offensive or rude. You can turn someone off who's attracted to you easily if your personality sucks.
And I think "creating attraction" is more allowing a woman to like you on her own and discovering an attraction that's already present, whereas trying to pursue her would make her put up a wall before she knows you well. If it's not there to begin with, it's not gonna be "created". At least not as far as myself, my friends and a lot of women I know are concerned.
In summary: You cannot create attraction where it doesn't exist, but you can kill an initial attraction by something you say or do. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:53:03 PM |
I guess it's tricky business to get them to not only get into a frame of mind to meet anyone at all, but to in fact want to meet you and take it somewhere.
You're right, it's not easy. And I don't claim to be an expert at it yet. But I'm working on it.
It just seems like a lot of work, when going out, having fun and talking to everyone with no agenda whatsoever is a bit less stressful.
Not if you go about it with the right attitude. It is a lot of work, yes, but I don't put pressure on myself, either. When I go to a place I just try to chat it up with as many groups of people as I can. This serves a few purposes:
1) No matter what happens, you're bound to make at least a few friends, if not dates,
2) You look like a sociable friendly guy if you're there talking with everybody, and
3) If you're only seen approaching good-looking women with the intent to pick them up, you look like a guy on the prowl.
So even if I go out with the intent of looking for women to date, I don't limit myself to approaching *only* women I'd like to date.
However if there were one, I'd assume those of us who thought you werent talking to us would clear out so you could talk to your intended target.
That's why I try to address the whole group.
Ya got me there, in my case there's no particular group I stand with, so I can't imagine that scenario either.
Well, in my experience, women -- especially attractive ones -- are rarely by themselves in a social environment. If they didn't actually arrive with someone, then they're sure to have guys approaching them all night.
So, ironically, I find it much easier to approach women who are surrounded by friends than women who are by themselves.
I said that you should relax and make sure you don't throw off a vibe that says you're on the hunt.
And that is where negs come in -- they are a way of openly disqualifying yourself as a potential suitor. That plus being sociable all night will do pretty much what you're saying -- I don't look like a guy on the hunt so much as a guy who just likes meeting new people. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:05:39 PM |
So even if I go out with the intent of looking for women to date, I don't limit myself to approaching *only* women I'd like to date.
I guess it comes with age or it's intuition (or it's just common) but if you go out with that intention, regardless of what your actions are, women can pick up on it. It's just a vibe. If you TRULY don't care either way, they'll pick up on that too - it's not something you can usually fake..it's something that pervades your conversation and body language...it's just an overall aura.
Well, in my experience, women -- especially attractive ones -- are rarely by themselves in a social environment. If they didn't actually arrive with someone, then they're sure to have guys approaching them all night.
This must be my problem - I don't think it's more than the fact that I'm not dead...but I digress.
So, ironically, I find it much easier to approach women who are surrounded by friends than women who are by themselves.
If only most men found it easier to approach women in groups...I like to travel alone and that's one of the drawbacks - people mistake me for wanting company. It's the same for most women who like to venture out on their own... | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:07:45 PM |
I don't think that guys are messing with your head when they do this kind of thing.
This is exactly what they are doing and 'intentionally' as well, remember I have read the book, it is an intentional act to play 'mind games' to get her to react to you with 'specific' comments, negs, and disqualifiers. I would call this going into it with the intent to 'messing with her head' and getting a reaction.
The fact is that confident, fun guys are constantly ripping into each other, in a fun and entertaining way. It is part of the way that guys bond.
Women are not guys.
And most guys that are succesful with women do the same to them. Because they are just treating them like human beings.
Well, we are just going to have to disagree here, because in my world, this is not how human beings treat each other.
It is the women with low self esteem that tend to take these things to heart and think that these things are "messing with your head".
Isn't this convenient, if a woman wants respect, consideration and kindness, all of a sudden she is the one with the 'issues' of low self-esteem? It is so easy to just turn it around on the woman isn't it. I would call this 'messing with someone's head.' I know respect when I see it and feel it and no amount of turning it around on me is going to change my mind. That is because I have high self-esteem and am secure in myself to speak up when I disagree with something and to remove myself from 'any' situation where I am being 'messed with.'
The girls with high self esteem, and a solid sense of self see what this is, which is just a guy having fun, and they know how to play along.
I have no problem with a guy having fun, playing and banter, but purposely pushing buttons on a woman to trigger her 'approval seeking issues' is not healthy, fun behavior to me.
Now I'm not talking about a guy being nasty.
I am actually aware of some of these 'lines' this new 'movement' has come up with and some of it is pretty disturbing to say the least.....and deliberately setting out to 'trigger' some serious issues in women.......
.....I am sure there are some relatively 'innocent' lines and I am sure the 'nice guys,' possibly you being one of them use these type....but give some of this information to men who are not too healthy and there is going to be serious problems and I am sure some of this stuff can be used for not very good purposes (which is disturbing to me).
(The guys that are sincere, nice and kind are generally ignored for being boring in a club or bar environment...)
Actually, I prefer the nice, sincere, kind men and they are the ones who I choose to date. Maybe find some 'nice' girls, (there are attractive nice girls in this world), who are willing to get to know you for who you are instead of playing games to attract women who will respond to the 'techniques.'
This, of course, is all my opinion only. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/10/2008 3:02:23 PM | I seem to remember that within 5 minutes of going into the bar, I had already noticed and chosen the few I would want to spend more time with, and I'm sorry to say the rest never had a chance, no matter how sweet the line was.
And no, I very rarely accepted a drink from a man I didn't know, I didn't feel it was right - unless I beat him at pool or something  | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:29:19 PM |
remember I have read the book
Ah, no. You read "The Game," which as I mentioned is not the how-to guide. It is simply Neil Strauss' memoirs. "The Venusian Artists Handbook," which was later published as "Mystery Method" is the book that actually explains it.
If you want to dislike the idea of negs, then that is fine, but I still think the reason you dislike it is because you don't really understand what it is. If the only source of information you have to go by is "The Game," then you definitely don't understand what it is.
Well, we are just going to have to disagree here, because in my world, this is not how human beings treat each other.
So you never engage in lighthearted teasing with your friends, then? If that is true, then you are in the minority. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 9/12/2008 12:33:55 PM | | i usually give em the big smile, wlak over and say "i'm giving free dance lessons tonight. care to learn a few moves?" another big smile. sometimes yes, sometimes no. if no i give the parting shot i'll be over at the bar in a while. feel free to come over and have a drink. then walk away. big smile.... | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:33:18 AM | DJChickie401 your first post I think was super irelivant in helping me out. Great post, not to be mean but I see so many useless posts in generally that give men terrible advice, I was impressed to see amazing information given.
With that said pretty much everything you stated would be considered and taught as pickup techniques. I actually thought for a second you might be a man with a fake profile. I don't mean that to offend you at all but what you stated is very much basic pickup. Even the turn over the shoulder talk. Its actually taught to open a set with a women from the side rather then head on.
As far as the whole neg thing goes first off all I think you women have to give yourself a little more credit as a gender. I know in the game its refered to it as done to lower self esteem but at the same time it was a book that to some degree was trying to be edgy. Out of the many words that I would use to describe it and its purpose trying to lower a girls self esteem wouldn't be used. I think at its worst it might make a girl self conscious. As far as the wackos who can read it and do it to girls. Flat out it won't work if its used that way. If your saying this to try to lower her self esteem the girls going to think your a total jerk which she rightfully should. I also think a lot of men without ever reading a single thing about it do it naturally without even thinking about it. So while I do think it's good to actually read books like the rules just because a guy is doing it doesn't mean he even knows what hes doing. In a lot of ways the whole neg theory is basically a way to flirt.
The right way to neg actually has a lot of purposes none which I feel are to lower a girls self esteem at all. I know I keep saying that but I strongly disagree with that statement. I also think girls have this secret BS instinct. So if a guys using this and its not really his personality I think you are going to pick up on this. While I did a lot of typical "nice guy" stuff I naturally did negs without even understandning what I was doing. Also when most people use the term "nice guy" it doesn't litteral mean a guy whos nice. It's more of the generic term for the guy that tries to hard.
I think a much better way to explain a neg would be to say it's a funny, dry, kind of witty joke that somewhat boardards the line of going to far as far as jokes go. I think if your making her feel bad more then your making her laugh your not doing it right. If done right it should be perceived as funny, but maybe with a little bit of uncertainty if there is a bigger meaning to the joke. I think on a lot of levels it often shows that you are confident in yourself. I think if its a very pretty girl, she has a lot of guys telling her how great she is and all this stuff before they even get to know her. I think if its a good neg she will find it funny and not care. But at the same time your taking the chance that you could have offended her by what you said. It actually comes off as if your being very genuine actually, you are who you are and your not saying anything to offend anyone on purpose or to get a reaction of of them. Your just trying to have fun and are just that type of person.
I also think as far as getting better with women, knowing how to neg isn't a super key thing to do. I do believe it helps a lot but ultimately it should be used to get to something else and to progress in the conversation. I think your style is actually more important. I don't even think you have to be a great dresses as much as you have to have a certain style in how you dress that makes you a little bit different from the rest of the guys. I also think its way more important to know what not to do then how to neg. Basically if a guys total game was just negs he would never get a girl. Body langue and being able to read if a girl is interested in you I also think are more important things then the whole neg stuff.
Since the whole neg things seems to sounds so evil and mean. So I'm going to give you some examples of negs I used and what the reaction was and how it progressed after that.
1) Out talking to a girl who was sitting down. Asked if she wanted to go out to smoke, and she said yes. She has these big heels on and kind of strips and falls on me. I think my comment was something like 'wow your one of those really easy girls, I only have talked to for two minutes and I already knocked you off your feet and having you falling in my arms. I bet your dreams for being coming a ballerina were done at a really early age. Then I think I accused of doing it on purpose just to she could grab my butt. The way she fell she kind of did touch my butt. But the girl was laughing to the point were she was turning red. She ended up telling me a really funny story about she actually went to ballerina class but she was so terrible. Like she had the tape and she was the only one who was totally off with everyone else in sync. I she actually had a boyfriend but I got her email and actually have went out with some of her friends. But shes someone who has become a pretty good friend. But she has a lot of good looking friends and loves me so she always tries to hook me up with them.
2)Was talking to this girl for a while and the conversation kind of died down as far a pace goes. And I kind of said why don't you leave me alone and go talk to some other guys. It was a dive bar kind of place and there was this nerdy guy with pocket protector, and I kind of pointed it out and that she should hit on him. She basically said she didn't want to talk to anyone but me which was a signal for me to kiss her at that point.
3) This actually happened last week. But I was getting a drink at the bar and just to the right of me was a really pretty girl. Two guys were talking to her and pretty much kissing ass. Like oh my god your so beautiful, your perfect your a 10/10. I was kind of laughing at what they were saying and she picked up on this and turned to me and asked. I said I think someone might be getting a little overrated in this room. Also understand I usually say stuff with a smile, I think rarely do my negs get taken as anything more then a sarcastic joke. But she was basically like what did you say? In which I repeated. The two guys were all pissed and like wanted to beat me up. I think they said this guys just a jerk, bla bla, which made her give him the old hand in face shut up signal and started talking to me. I think my final grade what a 8 but explained that looks are common. I kind of point to the other pretty girls around the bar and said look how many there are. I asked her what were three things that would make me want to get to know her. After that we had a great conversation. Called her a couple times but schedules have been off to meet up again. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 9/15/2008 2:55:24 PM | | TOMic, if you walked up to me and told me that I would beg you to throw me on all fours and pull my hair. :) Ok, best way to approach a girl in a bar? Do not be hammerd, be nice and just say hello. It is all about conversation first. I have met men in bars, but normally they are pretty drunk and to me that is a turn off. Then again I am rarely in bars...lol BORING. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:27:03 PM | wouldn't it be more PC if i did that to you in the privacy of my bedroom dear Diva? or do you get off on public displays of rough jackhammering hairpulling screaming sex?
who's your daddy????? !!!!!!! | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 9/16/2008 6:05:46 PM | Eye contact is very important... at least that way you can gauge whether they might be remotely interested or not (e.g. if she returns your gaze more than once). A simple smile and hello is always good for starters. You can ask how her night is going or something simple like that to ease up the pressure on both parties.
A drink sometimes work, but some girls are wary of that these days. Plus you need to know that buying a girl a drink does not automatically make talking to you a requirement. Be patient and assess the situation before purchasing.
Don't try to immediately pull her away from her girlfriends (if she's with a bunch of them), or you'll suffer the wrath of the 'mother hen'. If anything try to interact with them all at first and be polite.
If you're dancing in a club and a reggae song comes on, don't think that the best way to initiate contact with a girl is to sneak up behind her and start grindin' (esp. if you're... really *ahem* aroused  )... plus she would have no idea what you look like. | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:01:23 PM |
I seem to remember that within 5 minutes of going into the bar, I had already noticed and chosen the few I would want to spend more time with, and I'm sorry to say the rest never had a chance, no matter how sweet the line was.
Exactly. Same here - it hasn't changed. If I don't talk to a man within an hour or so of his arrival, then I'm not interested. Those who approach me are purely random and usually not my type at all...seldom does someone I actually like and didn't see already actually approach me... | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 9/16/2008 9:35:25 PM | haha i totally appreciated your technique on the pick up, very classy (no sarcasm)
but a word of advice, just on the side
don't ask if a woman came to the bar alone
she will automatically think you want to take her home, by force if necesarry
haha im sure you have plenty of other moves to use should you want to, at the end of the night, take her home
cheers
kt | |
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| Whats the best way to approach a girl in a club or bar?
Posted: 9/17/2008 12:43:22 AM | I would start by looking at her from across the room, making sure I had eye contact.
Then you could, (you can tell if she thinks positively about you), ask her to dance.
Definitely on a fast song, then thank her and leave. She will find you if she is interested, either by looking at you from across the room, or actually walking up to you. Women are very good at drawing in a man if they are interested. | |
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