| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:58:10 PM | Panda, you should really think about the ramifications of actions (if they were to come to fruition)...practically speaking.
If you cheat, you're breaking some key things that I think should be the foundation to any marriage:
-respect
-honesty
-trust
And, down to practicality. If you cheat, you are increasing the risk (probability) of potential 'dangers', i.e., STD. From zero -to-however-well-you-THINk-you-know-the-person-you'd-sleep-with (this is under the assumption that your husband is totally faithful).
Hence, you are affecting ALL the above-mentioned foundations of marriage, at a real and practical level.
Respect of your HUSBAND's health (if, mayyybe, down the line, you and HIM do get back that sexual spark), honesty (lack of) about your indiscretions so you're taking your husband's health out of HIS hands, and onto yours, which negates trust (he's under the assumption that he can trust you with it).
So, even before sentimentality, 'marriage vows', how he'll feel about the cheating, comes into play....think of the ramifications at a practical level.
And, then, add to that, exactly that, sentimentality, marriage vows, how he'll feel about the cheating, i.e., you breaking those codes of trust, respect and honesty....at ALL these levels. Not just in and of themselves, but, at different levels, attributions of trust, respect and honesty.
What if the kids somehow found out? What would be their level of trust, respect and belief in your honesty be, esp. as the 'victim' would be their dad who they love?
If you really think that this is what you need to do now in your life, APPLY those very foundations. Trust, respect and honesty.
Speak to your husband openly about your situation, and ask if he has noticed this 'lacking' as well. And, how you both might overcome it. Together. And, if he can't see any possible way that it CAN be overcome together, gently, and with inquiry-based questionings, broach the topic of the possibility of open-relationships, what he thinks of it, does he see merit in it (morally, practically). The boundaries of them. The rules. Etc, etc. If he agrees, all the best. As there would still be the foundations of honesty, trust and respect. Good luck. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:59:39 PM | No, of course not. Everybody knows you don't cheat until 21 years, 8 months, 5 weeks and 3 days. Are you kidding?
It's never acceptable to cheat, OP. Cheating is lying, are you a liar? No? Then you can't be a cheater, either. Fix it, live with it, or get out of it. Those are your options now and for the next 20 years. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:00:01 PM |
I am not in love with him.
I am financially dependent on him. .....So can I only assume you are still with this man for financial reasons?
You need to ask yourself what your needs are and where your priorities lie.
Needing a man for financial reasons is the wrong reason to remain in a loveless marriage. Your in fact 'using' your husband as a 'host'.
Before you contemplate cheating do the right thing and try and talk with her husband to find out HIS opinion with regards to your marriage and tell him how YOU are feeling. Can you both work on your marriage? If not, then do the right thing and end your marriage.
The choice is simple.....A comfortable marriage without love or the single life where you need to learn to support yourself. Nothing in this world is FREE.....Everything comes at a price, it just depends on the price you are prepared to pay.
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:00:10 PM | You have gone your separate ways emotionally and intimately.... you know what the answer to your question is already before you asked it.
go ahead...cos you know you want to be with someone else...go for it.
Get a divorce first and end the relationship and move on. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:02:23 PM | Be an inspiration to your children and DONT cheat. Talk to him about it and if you cant resolve it, end it. Dont use money as a motivation to stay either.  | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:09:10 PM | You need to communicate.
You made need couples counseling.
Are you completely financially dependent on him?
If so- can you start a career? If not, can you make a little more money than you do now by changing jobs?
I'm a firm believer of "shit or get off the pot" --- either try to fix the relationship... or end the relationship.
Remember that you might still end up facing the end of the relationship if you're caught cheating on him. That means that if you're thinking about cheating you still need to consider that the relationship will end. I recommend figuring out what you can do to support yourself financially. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:15:46 PM | I happen to agree with Tantric.
I do not quite understand why one would be asking strangers on a dating site advice regarding such a life altering question.
As a woman, and someone who has a background working with others for many years in counselling I believe that you perhaps already know what the answers are, but are looking for some justification. I am not certain if a friend who truely cares about you would advise you to continue this behavior.
We are all allowed to have moments of lapsed judgement. So, go talk to someone you trust....and get your head clear. Make some good decisions for yourself and your family. That does not mean that you need to stay or go. Just don't live in the clouds. Relationships are complex...if you are not communicating in this one chances are history will repeat itself unless you have made changes in YOURSELF...once the chemical stage is over.....you will eventually need to deal with real life in any other relationship. J | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:27:00 PM |
Either you have a case of misery loves company, or you're destined to go through life jumping from relationship to relationship.
I am glad you seem to know it all ....the case is actually that I was married, was cheated on and I would have rather he just left than put me through all of that. I am talking about last resorts here .... after you have tried it all. I am not saying give up and leave, I am saying if you feel that you have had tried and its just not there anymore, then leave before you cheat. Cheating won't get you anywhere. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:28:21 PM | panda,
Who's decision was it to stop kissing and having sex? If it was yours I suggest you get some serious counseling. If it was his than you need to ask him why.
I have very little respect for anyone that would consider cheating. Either get a divorce or get help. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:31:21 PM | .Marc
well put darlin'...couldn't say it any better!...damn great advice.
So freakin simple!
I'm a firm believer of "shit or get off the pot" --- either try to fix the relationship... or end the relationship.
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:34:09 PM | Panda
Don't cheat!!!! Take it from someone on the other side of the fence. I've been single a long time and would give anything to have what you have. Not only would you hurt your husband but your children would hate you. There is a lot more to relationships than sex and this new guy is probably saying all the right things and your marriage is in a rut, but believe me that sex no matter how good it is will never give you the love and comfort you have right now. If you hurt your family that way, they will never forgive you and the new guy, well it will get old with him too and you'll miss what you had but wont be able to go back. Once you hurt someone like that, it's usually done and again it's not just your husband you will be hurting. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:36:35 PM | I don't expect an answer...
OP: Does your "partner" have an account on here?
If not...who was worthy of one of your "Be Mine" roses? | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:43:46 PM | I don't care about the situation no matter what it is never cheat. That is for men and women. If you don't care for him anymore get a divorce then find someone else. Tell the new guy that you don't want to cheat on your husband and when your divorce is final then you can talk about being serious.
Cheating is bad....Put yourself in you spouses shoes and think about how you would fell if you found out he cheated on you....doesn't sound good now does it
Best of luck to ya  | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:44:24 PM | OP, cheating is not the answer to anything. Not knowing all of the issues that have brought you to this point, I can only suggest a few different scenarios.
If you think that you have missed sexual experiences, talk with your hubby about it and change things up. Talk with him about what you want and desire.
If he is not complimenting you on your looks, smell or other things that are important to you, talk with him about what you need and what you want.
It is extremely easy to be attracted to a person who does not face the everyday life issues that you and your hubby face. The OM/ OW massages your emotional needs, without dealing with kids, bills, work family excursions ETC.
I have to say work on things...
I want to say, become independent!! You can make choices which the consequences are only endured by you and not your SO or kids. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 8:16:06 PM | Tantric,
I just checked out this website you listed.
Thanks, it sure helps me a lot. I think all women and men should read it. Might prevent them from doing something really stupid. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 8:58:26 PM | 20 years and 3 children......
The better part of a lifetime, wow, what a delema.
"Cheating", may look like an easy answer to a short term gain, but ask yourself this, can you look at your daughters, and explain it, without causing lifelong ramifactions for them? Don't forget, children learn what they live....
John Maslow, in his "Heiarcy of Needs" tells only too well of what we need in life.
My heart(and only my heart) goes out to you on this issue.
Here's another angle to look at, teenage kids, daily routine, it happens. Look back before the girls were all encompassing ( I know from experience, had 2 of them) and what was there between you both before?
Pull out old photos, bring back memories of the life you both started together. Most men do have a memory. Don't heistate to jog it!!
You may not both look like you did 20 odd years ago, but remind him gently of why he fell in love you you, and why he chose to marry you, instead of anyone else.
Men, sometimes need to be re-awakened, try it an see, you've got nothing to lose.
But please, don't cheat, instant gratification, is only a band-aid on something that needs healing, and the remaining scar , just isn't worth it....... | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:29:17 PM |
I am glad you seem to know it all
I generally do when people give me the CORRECT information.
The previous post is quite well suited to the post it referred to. | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 46 | |
| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:38:13 PM | Lots of anti-negative advice here...now let's go for some straight up positive.
Go out and buy "The Five Love Languages". Take the test in the back, first. Then read it..two nights at the most. Start on you...and as part of that ask him to read it, too.
If at the end of a few weeks, you're not feeling it...it's time to move on. It all kinda depends on how far gone you are.
And BTW, the Do Not Cheat advice is stupid (sorry, gang)...you're already cheating...yourself, whatever future he'd hoped for, your kids hopes...physical sex or emotional relationships outside of marriage aren't the only ways you can cheat. Bottom line...if you're emotionally divorced from the situation, it's pretty much done...but if you still love him as a person, isn't it worth taking one more chance to understand why.
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:42:02 PM | | Never cheat on your partner, no matter how alone you feel. Instead, make a date with him on a regular basis and see if you can re-capture what you once had. If you can't then move on yourself but never never cheat. How would you feel if he cheated on you. I would bet your answer would be that you would not be overly hurt, but wow if it happens, you will feel a hurt like you have never felt before and that is what you would do to him. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 10:06:12 PM | As a woman, I want to say all the mushy stuff....but as me, I have to say this...
take a good look at 'you'......remember who 'you' are, your being....delve deep...a really good look.....
and then decide if another mans affections are worth losing your integrity... | |
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