| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:29:50 AM | | You cant seriously be askin this question? Like anyone is gonna say yeah go for it. Why not talk? If all else fails kids or not you can have a good relationship with their father but no longer live together? If your only stayin together for financial reasons get a job or another job do what you need to get by. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:01:25 PM | I'm sorry, but I view cheating as a very selfish act. You say you're financially dependant... why? Are you working? Is he?
I wasn't working at the time, but getting divorced was the best thing for me. I struggled... big time... but it was worth it. I didn't have to humiliate and cause pain to him or my kids, family or friends by cheating, and I left knowing I did everything I could to make my marriage work.
You're married and on the personals. You say one of the reasons you are still with your husband is for your girls... which *seems* like you're putting them above your own relationship needs. But, imagine if your kids found out... your family, neighbors, friends. Is it really worth the shame it might cause them?
Your kids might never forgive you if they were to find out. And trust me, even if you are VERY discreet, you can still get caught.
Do the right thing for everyone... don't cheat. And, if the urge is that strong, leave your marriage.
Sharzi | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:32:44 PM | | NEVER CHEAT!!! If your not happy then you should walk away. If you are concerned about your daughters then be concerned rather or not you would lose thier respect if you cheated on the dad they love, not to mention losing your self respect. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:39:04 PM | | You are not financially dependent on him. Divorce him, get half the assets and a decent job, and go find someone you are in love with. You only have one life and doing so isn't saying you hate him or your time you spent with him. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:54:07 PM | Are you scum?! If you're not in love be a decent human being and end the relationship. Don't talk to me about finances!!! I'm a single mom not receiving a dime of child support! Get a job! You know how to clean a toilet? Then there's your income! You disgust me! | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:54:24 PM | First,read a book called "Secret Lovers",get it at local book store or seek it on Amazon.
Second,sounds like you really like this guy,have 20 years invested in building a life together,maybe some marriage counciling?Maybe a cruise get-a-way just the both of you?Join a nudist colony?Sounds like you need to re-build some of that fire somehow,maybe naked bungie jumping?But seriously,think long and hard about what you are contemplating...20 years...once you step over the line,there may be no turning back. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:04:35 PM | | OP....do yourself a big favor, close your profile, and back away from the computer. You are at a crossroads needing to make a huge decision that you can't take lightly. If something is wrong in your relationship, turn your energies toward fixing it. Your crisis is your opportunity to do the right thing for yourself and those who love you. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:12:52 PM | Oh how convenient the wide world web is for you cheaters ,you come on here asking a bunch of strangers if you should cheat on your husband how about having a serious talk with him and tell him were your at as far as feelings ,ask him were you go from there
For all you know he may feel the same as you ,how about getting a job it doesn't cost that much to take care of yourself you know,if you feel your marriage is dead get a divorce. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:27:07 PM | | So now, as the song says, you've thrown out you're contentment and yearn for something more? If you've got to trash your family, do something original. Face the music.Tell him. Walk away with your dignity intact. Hiding a love affair is like sneaking daylight past a rooster... but it sure would suck for you if, a few years down the road, you were looking back with longing to a better, easier, time that was right now. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:27:08 PM | Get honest with him...
If you are truly friends your relationship can morph into one that supports both of you better.
He may be yearning for some intimate female companionship too.
You may be able to liberate each other to have a new life...one of your own design and not of some moral code that is dying in the wake of people becoming more responsible to the truth, and not to dead ideas and outworn contracts.
No sex, no kissing, no cuddling...What kind of platonic love are you modeling for your kids?
Turn up the juice.... but do be honest about it..
Negotiate a plan that works for both of you
javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 10:35:32 PM |
what happened to values, morals???
Well, what happened to _his_ vow to "love, honor, and cherish?"
If a husband breaks his vow and starves his wife, is _she_ necessarily the one who's being immoral for wanting what she craves? Yes, I know that this is a controversial view, but think about it.
If this guy was doing his best and trying to please her and work things out, and she wanted to go outside the marriage anyway, that would _certainly_be immoral and we'd have every right to be scornful of her behavior.
However, no one can be held to a contract if there's a failure of consideration, and if she goes starving long enough eventually she's going to eat.
So, he either needs to fulfill his end or admit it if he can't and set her free to find another way to be fulfilled.
And for the record I say shame on anyone who's first reaction is to scorn her for considering her options when her husband has broken his vow to her.
She didn't want this situation and can no longer stand it, and is asking for some help.
Now, do I think she should break her vow just because he did? No. But I don't think she's being _immoral_ if she does. Needlessly complicating things and making herself look bad when he's the one at fault? Absolutely. And of course, two wrongs don't make a right. She did make a vow too.
But, to go off on her as if she was disgusting for even thinking about it strikes me as simply cruel. Why do peple feel entitled to toss out such simple, self-righteous remarks that show no compassion at all?
And more to the point, why would anyone date someone who displays such a crass attitude? | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 11:05:30 PM | | Well obviously you should cheat. A man you love and have been with for 20 yrs, raised a family with, depend on financially, etc, etc, does not deserve your respect. You have to look out for number one right? What's that guy done for you? Clearly you have to do it. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/6/2008 11:17:23 PM | Sorry, but I didn't read all the posts on this one...just took reading the OP to get me worked up....
I love my partner of 19 years but I am not in love with him.
And THIS is suppose to be an excuse for cheating????
I am financially dependent on him.
Quit using him for your dependency, put your big girl panties on, AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF!!!! Go get a job, some schooling, anything, but quit using him for your own self gratification. Wah, wah, I can't look after myself, wah, wah...
I really like him and we have a laugh. I like him and we laugh together.
Of course you do. If you behaved any other way, he'd probably kick your sorry ass to the curb....
I have never had another man but am close to it now.
Get out of his life, and quit using him. Go find another sucker to support you for the rest of your life...
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/7/2008 4:35:13 AM | After reading some of the posts here I just have to jump back in.
First of all, Panda, you are not using your husband financially. You probably both made the decision you’d be a stay-at-home Mom. Do people think that you would spend 20 years at home raising a family and then walk into a CEO’s job?  Your career was raising a family and it’s a career few people have the wisdom and knowledge to attain and your contribution to the household was just as important as your husband’s.
Now let’s move on to morality and vows? Contrary to popular belief a husband and wife do owe each other sex. Yes, OWE! Let’s drag out the Good Book and take a peek, shall we?
“I Corinthians 7: [2] Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
[3] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
[4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
[5] Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time,”
Can it be any clearer? To avoid fornication (sex with someone you’re not supposed to have sex with) husbands and wives are instructed to not defraud the other regarding access to their body. If one does deny their partner then they know the consequences. If they didn’t know before, now they do. Affection, sex, is no more an “I’m not in the mood” option anymore than one saying “I’m not in the mood to love and honor and cherish you today” is an option.
When people talk about adultery/cheating and feeling sickened and disgusted I can relate to feeling sickened and disgusted because that’s exactly how I feel when people think sex/affection is something they can hand out to their partner like candy to a child.
AceOfSpace writes in msg 115,
Well, what happened to _his_ vow to "love, honor, and cherish?"
If a husband breaks his vow and starves his wife, is _she_ necessarily the one who's being immoral for wanting what she craves? Yes, I know that this is a controversial view, but think about it.
If this guy was doing his best and trying to please her and work things out, and she wanted to go outside the marriage anyway, that would _certainly_be immoral and we'd have every right to be scornful of her behavior.
Your view may be controversial but it is the correct view, at least when it comes to morality. Anyone who marries in a Christian church, makes a vow before what is considered the Christian God, is obliged to follow the instructions that go along with marriage, the ones that are written in the Bible, regardless of whether or not they’re “in the mood”. The Bible makes clear the importance of sex. Perhaps if more people realized that there would be a lot less cheating going on.
One final note for those who like to quote, "Thou shall not commit adultery". There is also a "Thou shall not kill" but if someone is charging towards you with a knife, ready to slit your throat, you are permitted to kill that person to protect your physical health/well-being. Likewise, if one denies their partner what is rightfully theirs (access to their partner's body) one is entitled to seek access to another person's body for their mental health and well-being.
PS. For those wondering, yes, I'm happily married and the sex is just fine, thank-you very much.  | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/7/2008 5:38:48 AM | | Cheating is unacceptable. The fact that you can still laugh together is a good thing. Seek counselling. Do things together. Join a marriage counselling group. A getaway. Anything. He deserves that much. So do you. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/7/2008 6:14:13 AM | Im aware what im going to say is not the easiest route but i find that it's the safest and most effective..
try telling him the truth before you go behind his back...sit him down let him know how you feel and be completely honest...tell him that you'd rather let him know instead of going behind his back and cheating on him. Hopefully he'll understand and be respectful.
a relationship of 20 years is something to treasure but if you feel like your life is being wasted look at exactly whats going on with both him and you. Is the real reason you want to cheat because the sex life isnt what it used to be? or is it that you arnt attracted to him anymore? is because you feel like you've wasted your life?
do some soul searching...if the only problem you find is the sex isnt there...try something new...like...asking for it...or why not do something to surprise him.
whatever your choice just remember that once it's gone you cant get it back...and the grass isnt always greener on the other side. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/7/2008 7:54:17 AM | Another possibility to consider
Why not attempt to rekindle the spark between you.
As a tantra teacher I see couples all the time whose spark has been lost amidst raising kids, working jobs, doing life, etc. but the fact that you have a good friendship certainly points to the fact that you have cultivated a safe trusting love between you, and that is so wonderful and life sustaining. Something to treasure and not take lightly.
'Cheating' would undermine all that you have built and I would definitely NOT suggest it as an option...
But I know that awareness of TANTRA is growing all around the world so wherever you are I am certain you can find someone relatively close to you. If not feel free to contact me and I will help you locate someone, or work with you myself, whatever is your preference. Also many of us do long distance support so phone consultations can perform a miracle in your relationship, if you are open to that. Get javascript:smilie(' ')
But it sounds like you have struck a happy balance in some very important areas of life...do not jeopardize that because of a mid life crisis, or a need to explore your sexuality ( and I believe that that IS a legitimate need...)
So, why not have it all...?
Don't you deserve that?
Doesn't he?
Don't your kids deserve to be surrounded by two juicy, loving and happy parents?
I say YES to all of that
What do you say? | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/7/2008 8:02:36 AM | OP,
What kind of question is this? How would you feel if your Hubby cheated on you? If you aren't happy in the relationship talk to him about it. Give him every chance to do what he can to improve your situation (of course you'll have to do your part too) If you still can't get the relationship on track then you need to talk about seperation or divorce. Cheating is the LAST thing you should think of. There aren't many things more hurtful you can do to a person than to cheat on them. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/7/2008 8:05:07 AM | | "I must be in love" as a prerequisit of marriage after 20 years is an unrealistic expectation bound for doom. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/7/2008 10:05:42 AM | Quote: I have never had another man but am close to it now. Help/ adviced/ suggestions needed and gratefully accepted
As a tantra teacher, I see this all of the time...People who were virgins when they married, but now are wondering...
...what is another person like sexually..?
...what might I learn about myself, about sex, about life from being intimate with another person....?
These are valid and honorable wonderings...
With due respect to those people who subscribe to the bible as their guide to what's what...I think one must realize that the bible was written by fallible human men, in a very different era, with very different needs and circumstances.
When I see people in my practice who were virgins when they married...and now 10, 20, 30 years later they have little or no sex life...I say...Hmmmmm...... (just like Dr. Phil) Is this workin' for you? And if not, we create a plan that is honoring to both people and their relationship to grow in a healthy relationship to this issue.
As I have said before, I do not think that 'cheating' is a healthy option...
It undermines love both personally and planetarily to the point where human beings no longer trust each other or trust love.
How sad is that?
But there are healthy options....You have to seek them out !!!
..............javascript:smilie(' ')javascript:smilie('')javascript:smilie('') | |
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