| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:54:58 AM | | WOWW... U BEEN SPENDING HIS MONEY FOR 19 YRS NOW U WANT TO CHEAT?? LOL...I SAY MOVE OUT GET A JOB AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE..ITS NOT THAT HARD OF A CHOICE..U R USING HIM FOR HIS MONEY.....YOUR THE REASON WHY GOOD MEN DONT GET MARRIED... | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:56:41 AM | | The honest thing is to leave, find yourself and tehn take another partner. To do this anyother way is heading on a rocky road and will end in tears and hurt. For the guy prepared to launch into an affair with a married without due consideration to the emotional pot he is unleishing is not the kind of guy you want to be with. It will probably be exciting for a while but when it all weaers off as it will....you are left with perhaps far more tahn you ever bargained for. So if you want anohter man....leave hub.....and open a new book....carefully. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:58:57 AM | | DO NOT CHEAT!!!!!!!! You need to wake up and realize some of us spend our whole lives looking for what you have. An affair is so not worth the time. Believe me. Your kids will suffer they are not grown just teenagers. Stop being selfish and make things work. If they worked for 20 years they'll work now. Just learn to talk to him and spice things back up. If it still doesn't work wait until the kids are gone then leave. Good luck. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:15:35 AM | Ace, and OP, Sharzi said very succintly what I was getting at (all the better that she tied it in to one of your excellent posts, Ace:
AceOfSpace wrote: However, no one can be held to a contract if there's a failure of consideration, and if she goes starving long enough eventually she's going to eat. Yeah, but you actually have to leave one restaurant before entering another. NO excuses for cheating. If she's being starved... get out first before finding someone else.
What I'm saying, Ace, is simply this (using Shirzi's metaphor, which I liked very much): if you're very hungry, starved even, for affection and sexual interaction with your spouse, you need to get a final answer on whether your spouse is willing to open his restaurant back up, at the very least discover why he may be unaware of or refusing to sate your hunger, before you go eat at another restaurant. While you're doing that (and perhaps discovering that said spouse may want to go with you to other restaurants and/or allow you to go to whatever restaurant may be willing to satisfy your hunger, I believe it to be honorable and preferrable to resist cruising by other restaurants that are open and only make you think of eating other food at other establishments. Basically, being on a dating site and looking for a man to talk/email with may be a recipe for a self-fulfiling prophesy.
From everything the OP has said, she really loves her husband, cares about him, likes him -- but isn't getting what she needs physically and/or emotionally in terms of romantic spark. IMHO, one can fall in love with someone (initially, or again, as the case may apply) given all that "liking," but I believe it's more likely to be possible if you aren't distracted by other males while doing it. Just one opinion, and may not be true for everyone, I'll be the first to admit. For some, perhaps being on a dating site and talking with other guys would help them realize what it is they want and resolve to take steps toward it, whatever it is. Each to his own, and no judgement here, just suggestions. The only judgement I make is one regarding integrity, openness, honesty and transparency. If the OP communicates or has communicated clearly with her husband about this lack, this hunger, and he rebuffs her, she can then look to ending the relationship honorably and seeking what she needs. If she moves on to other restaurants without that communication process, she'll loose something very precious -- her dignity, her self-respect. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 9:20:27 AM | [I'd suggest starting with a professional, though. Hire a guy to do you. It's only a couple hundred bucks. Let him bang you hard. You'll be way better off for it. Or, pick some guy from here and let him bang you for a while. There'll always be another guy as well. ]
Good God man, WHAT are you thinking? There are plenty of serious diseases out there and advocating her to have sex with a stranger professional or otherwise is downright dangerous.
[Have fun. You'll get at least half of whatever you and your current husband owns anyway, which, after 20 years is probably pretty good. Go to some other country and bang a few guys there too. ]
The divorce courts are filled with people who decided to have some flings and ruined their lives, their children's lives, their family lives and their repuations. I think she should take him to counselling. If he won't go, then she should go on her own. Telling her to go out and do what you have written is just shallow and cruel. She's clearly lonely and yo are telling her to have sex without thinking about the consequences. I feel sorry for any woman you come in contact with! | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 10:50:57 AM | You're not married and are financially dependent on this man.
It sounds as if you're already emotionally cheating on him.
Nice role model you are for your teenage daughters.
Get on with your relationship with the father of your kids or move out and be with the other guy. You can't sit on the fence with this. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:00:11 AM | Let me tell you something, panda40. Your daughters are sensing that their is trouble in your marriage. They know - trust me on that one. Your post does not mention whether there is any physical or verbal abuse - just that you do not love him. Your post also does not say whether your husband loves you or not.
So, I would have a chat with your husband to get all this out in the open. If the marriage is to end, so be it. Don't stay because you are financially dependent on him. On the other hand, start saving up for your escape from the marriage or start contacting your friends to see if you can stay with them while you are getting over this little rough patch in your life.
I will say this - you are certainly attractive enough. I wish you all the best and I am praying for you. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:07:33 AM | locario, I agree. OP's husband's restaurant could be the best steakhouse in that region....reknowned everywhere, 4 out of 5 stars. OP though, has tired of steak. Over time, portions have been cut while prices have gone up. However, she doesn't have the funds to start frequenting the top of the line seafood restaurant in that region. What's left? Only alternative is to stop in at a greasy spoon diner dive. It's not great seafood, definitely not steak, yet she's not sure a big ol' juicy burger and plate of chili cheese fries is what she craves.
~ds~ | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 12:00:24 PM | | The only thing I can say is you need to comunicate. Why are you no longer in love with him? Are there things he could do or say that he no longer does or says ? Do you want to love him or are you over him? Is it your issues or his? You need to have a very long talk with your husbasnd. Either that or go on a retreat and ask yourself questions about yourself and your man. You have 20 years together and three kids. Do not cheat and do not split unless there is nothing to do. You need to talk to your husband, maybe with a counsoler. Tell him you want romance or tell him you need a break. Maybe the only answer left might be divorce but do not exhaust other options first. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 12:35:36 PM | | It's not in asking someone else to change that we will find satisfaction, imho, it's in being courageous enough to change ourselves so that our partner can follow our lead. He is not doing what you want ... are you doing what he wants? Do either of you know what you want after 20 years? This is a pertinent discussion. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 2:21:37 PM | she won't leave because she is financially dependent on him..so instead join a dating site without being honest and forthcoming with your husband of 20 years...(SHAKES HEAD)
karma! | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:45:17 PM |
OP's husband's restaurant could be the best steakhouse in that region....reknowned everywhere, 4 out of 5 stars. OP though, has tired of steak. Over time, portions have been cut while prices have gone up.
ds, NICE metaphor! exactly! I'd add, though, that the OP can open her own restaurant, start ordering takeout there for her husband, and see if he likes the fare there. Two people can stare at each other for an eternity, wondering why the other does not feed them. Get up, go over there and feed him, he may be just as hungry as you are. And if you both, or either of you, end up disliking the food, it's time to change the nature of your relationship. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:57:10 PM | ***** OP's husband's restaurant could be the best steakhouse in that region.... reknowned everywhere, 4 out of 5 stars. OP though, has tired of steak. Over time, portions have been cut while prices have gone up. ******
Ok, than OP needs to leave that restaurant all together and not come back. Why hang out there is you're not getting what you need ... ooops forgot ... she's there to hold out her hand for the tips her husband forks over.
Sharzi | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:02:36 PM | | Never cheat...either work on fixing what's wrong with your marraige,or get a divorce and stand on your own two feet. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:37:05 PM | RUN LIKE SOMEONE IS IS GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!
Sweet to the taste, bitter to the tummy!!
You can never go back or undo where what u have done. If u love or respect yourself, your children, friends or family dont go there. If you think no one will ever know u r wrong! And if u live with that secret it will kill u!!Even if this guy that u r wanting to cheet with ends up wanting u long term. u will never trust him and he will never trust u..
The best thing to do is talk to a conselor, tell them what ur thinking and it will break the spell it has over u. If you can, i would talk openly to ur husband about the needs u have.
And then i would try to see if your husband would go to counceling with u. If he won't go, then write him a dear john note and spend the nite with a girl friend. It will scare him to death.. some times it takes a while for a guy to wake up. but once he does he will love lovin u. Find a counselor that can teach your husband how to be efectionate... Remember to not get too power hungry, and give a little.. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:40:40 PM | Panda40 there is NEVER an excuse for cheating...I repeat NEVER. If it's that bad, get the hell out! If you're financially dependent...then get a job! If that's the road you're going to head down, at least have enough respect for this man that you've obviously loved at some point to end it first. How do you think your daughters, who "love their dad", are going to feel about their Mom cheating??? ...and trust me they will know. In fact, how do you think they would feel about their mom on a dating website? Panda, you have already started down a broken road by being on this site.
Do you have ANY idea how blessed you are to be with a man you "really like" and with whom you can laugh? My god there are people in committed relationships that "love" each other, but don't really like each other. Your daughters love this man...even that is a blessing....my daughters aren't close to their father at all. He treated all of us like crap. You're about to throw a hell of a lot away, Sweetie.
A relationship of 19 years will get in a rut. Since you "like him" and can laugh with him, then obviously there is some form of good communication. Talk about it....work on it...see a counselor, whatever it takes. If you can't do that, have enough respect for yourself and your family to end it first...don't cheat! As bad as the pain is from a failed relationship, cheating only intensifies that pain.
Good luck, Panda.
Rose Mary | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:41:39 PM | Rose Mary wrote:
**** In fact, how do you think they would feel about their mom on a dating website? *****
Good point!! A friend of one of her daughters could be on here... "Hey, isn't that your mom??" A neighbor could be on here... "Oh my God, that's Bob's wife!" A friend of a friend... someone who works with your husband... a friend of your in laws, and so on. And, people talk.
Since OP has been very silent since she first posted, maybe she got the point of what we've all been saying. I sure hope so... would be nice to know that someone who thought about cheating, realized what a huge mistake it would be to dishonor someone who loves them. If your marriage isn't a good one, do the right thing. Planning to cheat isn't it.
Sharzi | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:51:38 PM | I have never heard of any thing more rediculus than asking others do i cheat. Have you no respect for yourself. Seems to me that you are the one that has the problem.
Give your head a shake...suck it up... fix your emotional problems... you have alot to loose. Besides that it seems that you are in need physically etc. Try doing something to make yourself feel beeter self esteem wise. He is your husband not a meal ticket.
Sorry if i come across harsh but I dont care for Cheaters. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:03:20 PM | Sharzi, see below....
OP msg #20: "Thankyou................its so good to hear what people actually think and not have platitudes posted.
I will try to sort things out and if not leave. No cheating. I always knew it wasn't what I wanted but I was tempted.......just needed some perspective from stangers.
Thanks...and god bless"
If she meant what she wrote, her profile should be removed soon, if not already (hopefully & IMO).
~ds~ | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:21:05 PM | Aww, DS, it's like you to be so optimistic. But, no, she's still here & so are her buddies, Booby & Busty.
OP, whoever told you that was a flattering picture is not your friend. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:00:42 AM | ~ds~
Thanks... I missed her post. I do hope that she does the right thing. She may have posted in haste because she was enjoying the attention she was getting from someone she was considering a sexual encounter with.... and hoping she would get validation. Instead I think she ended up with that little angel on her other shoulder... the one that whispers a conscience in her ear.
Sharzi | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:07:35 AM | | There is a term 'the grass is greener on the other side'. How about watering your own lawn and see what happens. | |
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Puma_
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Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 175 | |
| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 5/1/2008 4:14:37 AM | | One simple answer, really its probably the answer to most of life's problems. Rent some porn. don't cheat. | |
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