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| | why cry????Page 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I have to agree. Crying is so therapuetic for me. Although I hate to do it, especially in front of anyone or with them knowing it, it is a HUGE part of the healing process for me.
I have never seriously contemplated doing anything drastic after a break up. I think it is just in those first days, you are lonely, upset, probably trying to figure it out. I have always realized in the back of my mind that the sun will shine again. It will be fine.....Sometimes, you say or think those things (if it weren't for my children I would want to die) in those first couple of minutes (days, weeks) when things are fresh and the hurt is on the surface. You probably don't really mean it, although you feel like you do at the time. Just my two cents. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 4:33:43 PM | In all honesty, crying over someone is the only way to get your emotions out...The last woman I was with...for 4 yrs...Cheated on me and thats how it ended...But the messed up part about it was she cheated on me with the younger brother of the guy that raped her 10 yrs before....When I left her, all I had was anger...I didnt cry, I didnt say a word...I just left...I moved my entire life for her from Chicago to Seattle...And I met her online by the way...We split in July of last year....And then it hit me in December...I missed her so much that I just broke down..But it was just for her...She had 3 girls and I fell in love with them too. They were only 9 and the twins were 5 when I got with my ex..It was like they were my girls too...I missed them all terribly and I finally caved in and broke down crying...But, because I did, I finally was able to get over it...Granted how many people can say they got cheated on the way I did, but I acually gave her a ring 2 days later and told her I forgave her and I havent regreted it at all. Like I have said on here before...Time heals all wounds..But crying helps too | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 5:10:06 PM | Hi, OP! You sound like a very together person, and it's the kind of thing that rubs off, so I thought to chime in and unburden somewhat where I think my point of view might shed some light that would otherwise be missing. Along the way, I should love to thank POF, not for any iota of romance so far, but because there's nothing lighter than the proverbial burden shared.
Your own togetherness is just half the equation, though, and it perhaps goes unrecognized and unsung, when things go right, and only lamented when it's gone all wrong, that the grapevine will be kind to those who are newly unattached, but to some it will be savage and cruel, and I think it makes all the difference as to whether the transition is like getting an eyelash out of your cup of milk, or like a fishhook out of your eye.
Of course, when there's one party's dissatisfactions with a relationship, it's everybody's better inclination to say it's gone. I've TOTALLY forgotten people I'd known, not in the romantic sense, but cry still just remembering what they had said about me and how, regardless of how untrue, it all had to be lived down and it all took it's toll. Their names don't ring a bell any longer, but the wounds still hurt. I think the unfairness and pointlessness is the difference, when one party, or both, refuses to bury a hatchet. Is this at all on the mark? Like Della Reese sang: "If you can't say anything real nice..."
I'm so happy for you and your tykes! Be well! (Pity us who don't get off so easy!) | |
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| guess what i'll do, i'll pick myself right up, and carry on!!
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:26:52 PM | As well you should and GOOD FOR YOU! I agree with your post 100%. I've been terribly heart broken on exactly two occasions. Cried for a bit, got up, dusted myself off, took MY power back and moved on. This does not make you self centered....more likely extremely centered. You didn't feel a need to sit around and wallow and feel sorry for yourself. My kind of girl. Keep it up!!
T | |
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| guess what i'll do, i'll pick myself right up, and carry on!!
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:23:16 PM | I so agree about the caps button. Why can't people use it? Yeah, another thread...
I also agree everyone has different situations. Unless you are living their life, you really don't know what all they are dealing with. Depression is a factor too. You don't choose to have depression, but it can choose you. Chemical imbalance is not an excuse, it is reality for some people. Some people are just more emotional, some people don't know what real love is, some people have a wall around their heart, and tons in between. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 7:34:33 PM | | It is b/c their emotions run deep...and when it ends...they just have to get their feelings out and crying is one way of doing that...It is human to cry every once in a while...It is human to have your heart broken and cry at least a few times in your life...especially for a woman...we ladies are just emotional creatures... | |
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| guess what i'll do, i'll pick myself right up, and carry on!!
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:44:31 PM | You clearly state, in your original post and in your correction that you cannot understand two things:
1. falling apart
2. suicide when there are children involved
The first begs the question: What is your definition of "falling apart" that you cannot feel empathy for? Your definition has to do with something happening to your children and based on that you have no empathy for anyone else that would "fall apart" for the reason of having an emotional charged breakup. I don't see how that is commendable, since it's your own definition that these people who post on this forum have failed to live up to. Since they are not in your life, I do not see how it affects you directly. Yet, you feel the need to express your confusion about how other people in an emotional crisis of their own, who have no true effect on you, do not live up to your expectations. That is extreme insolence, to say the least. In the end, it's your own point of view that you cannot see past and the way you define it that perplexes you. However, to post it here, in the same place that others are feeling a disastrous amount of depression shows nothing but callousness on your part. Of all the forums that you could have posted on, this is the one you chose. The very same place in which people who may be contemplating suicide can read it and in which it may cause one of two outcomes: they perhaps will see that they need to "move on" or as in the case with most depression victims, will feel even more desolate thanks to your post. Your lack of understanding is one thing, but your self indulgent post is irresponsible when there are those who would claim to take their lives for which something you apparently will never understand. That's where the inability to see past you own self shows a total lack of disregard and the lack of empathy, which thankfully you have now decided to admit to. Unfortunately, you don't see a problem with this, because you have yet to take into account what your actions could potentially mean for these other members.
And why should parents be immune to these feelings, especially if they were in a long term marriage or suffered other types of abuse that already dwindled their self esteem? Does it not occur to you that having children only exacerbates the degree of their feelings of solitude when confronted by what many would agree can be a life changing experience? Also, many people in some of these circumstances have expressed that the betrayal of trust has affected them to such a degree that they have become distraught and suicidal. And yet, somehow your claim of ignorance of their situation is supposed to be what exactly?
Your title is perhaps the wrong choice of words and had you considered the ramifications towards the people who do feel like taking their lives for whatever reason, perhaps you could see the folly in your actions. I will not join those who compliment you when other people using these forums are in need of serious help and in their desperation turn to these forums. That they do post these feelings is an obvious call for help and an obvious sign that they may have no one else in their life to turn to. They already feel alone, these posts of yours' do nothing to ease their solitude. The fact that you do not recognize their attempts for help by their own postings is unfortunately sad.
If someone said "Help, I just cut my arm off," would you be so callous to say, "Stop crying, here's a bandage." I'm guessing that you would not. That these people feel such a emotional wound as to cause harm to themselves gives you no pause for reflection and instead causes you to type a post that reveals your inability to see past yourself. With that I encourage you to visit the following website:
www.suicidology.org
Please take the time to read through everything carefully. One of the facts that may stick out is that the suicide rate among men is higher than among women. That worked into averages, someone takes their life every 16 minutes. The reasons will vary, but they all leave their loved one with a huge sense of loss and endless questions that will never be answered. Whether you understand the reasoning behind them is of paramount circumstance when you post a thread such as this in front of those who may be contemplating ending their life.
Please read the following link, as well. It can lend empathy to yourself when there is a clear lack of it. The fact that is took me three seconds to find it makes your struggle to understand all the more inconceivable. #4 applies to you immensely.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 8:47:09 PM | | ...simply because not everyone can be as strong as you. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 11:44:00 PM |
this is not about people with personality disorders, or people with borderline personality disorder! this is about normal everyday people who have children and who cry suicide everytime they get dumped.
Ok, you asked a question, and as an answer to your question SOME TIMES it is about a personality disorder...Not always... Some times it is about the list of other things as well..
An already chemical imbalance of depression can push some people further....
A well balanced, pulled together person would NOT feel like they wanted to kill themself because the relationship ended. The first thing that WOULD come to mind is that they had children and it would be the worst legacy in the world to leave for their children...
Just because a person says they feel that distraught doesn't mean they are actually going to take their life. However who really knows, these are just people, and empathy often takes over when someone is in that much pain.
when everyone else is pus*y footing around them, telling them "i feel your pain sister". do these people not realise that there are going to be innocent children left without a mother because "mommy got dumped
Yes actually the people who do "pu$$Y foot around feel the kids pain, that is why strangers will jump in and be supportive, because they have NO IDEA how serious the situation is. As well, they have no way to report this person, so the best they can do is tell her/him to hang in there. That they aren't alone, and that they know how that person feels.
It certainly is not going to get a person thinking straight if people are mean and nasty, all it does is get them to go into further depression, obviously they already are not accepting the rejection they are experiencing. That only serves to kick a person while they are down.
I have seen many threads where people have gotten out of their depression faster, because people cared, and that person felt like they were valued.
As I stated before, you are NOT in the least required to join someones pity party as you may view it. However it shouldn't be a bad thing that others are willing to step up and say let me help you see it isn't so bad, and it isn't the worst thing in the world.
I respect where you are coming from, and not all of us have crying parties, or anything of the sort, simply because of what ever dynamics that are going on within us. | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 12:28:30 AM | { there you see, im not the only one who thinks like this!
so im not the monster you folk think i am, darn, lol }
No, cailin you're not a monster at all. Some people are just more sensitive than others. Some people are stronger than others and can handle bad situations easier than the rest of us. I wish I could be more like that myself. | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 1:47:41 AM | and yes the guys were dear to me, but never did i "want to die" when i got dumped!
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I'm with the guy who said it's a temporary chemical imbalance. And "sensitive"people probably suffer from that more often than not. | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 2:01:05 AM | Hi cailin beaq,
I couldn't agree more with you. I've got two marriages,and two, divorces behind me,and although ,I was madly in love with both of them at one time,it wasn't a disaster when I slpit up. Life moves on,and ,if you love yourself first,without being selfish then ,you can handle any situation to do with relationships. I honestly believe that both my exes lost much more than I did,but even if they think different,it's what I think about myself that really matters. The one person we have to live with all our lives is ourselves,and ,if you get that relationship right,everything else will always drop into place eventually. | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 11:24:32 AM | As you parent your children, do you not notice a distinct difference in their personalities? One is not 'weak' and one is not 'strong'. They are just different.
A few people have mentioned sensitivity. I was reading an article today that made reference to the following website on HIGHLY sensitive people (http://www.hsperson.com/index.html) however, there are such a broad range of sensitivities. There was a quote in the article that said : " ... high sensitivity can lead to problems partly because sensitive people have to live in a world where the other non-highly sensitive 80% don't get it." The other quote I wanted to mention was for the OP's benefit: "There used to be an unkind word for children like this. Suck. People have often looked on kids like ... (the children in the article) ... as emotionally weak, or the victims of mollycoddling or perhaps parental domination. They had to toughen up. But ... (the psychotherapist and author) sees this trait, or cluster of traits, as one kind of normal. She says a significant minority of children are highly sensitive by nature. There are highly sensitive adults too. My own research suggests that between 15 and 20 percent of people are highly sensitive ... " It goes on to talk about children who actually have higher resting heartbeats and greater activity in the right frontal part of the brain.
I wanted to leave you with one last quote from the website mentioned above and that is this: "Sensitivity is anything but a flaw. Many HSPs are often unusually creative and productive workers, attentive and thoughtful partners, and intellectually gifted individuals." | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 1:17:56 PM | | cailin. i just want to tell you i do agree somewhat with you. i have been devestated by many men in my life, i have picked up the pieces and moved on. i have been used and abused. but there will always be a hole in my heart because of this. it took me over a year to get over my last boyfreind and i have to tell you i will never put myself in that position again. he truly betrayed me and he wasn't the first but he will be the last. i am the mother of 3 kids and there is a difference in the way a man and a woman loves versus a mother and a child love. an adult relationship takes your breath away, it makes you feel complete, it make you feel comfort and it makes you feel safe and secure. i always wanted this tender, sweet relationship but unfortunatly the men i have ran across do not, but i do feel for the people who have loved and lost. i hope someday you will experience this love and perhaps then you can understand why so many people feel this way. | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 1:49:34 PM | I HAVE BEEN IN AND OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY ON AND OFF FOR ABOUT 4 YEARS NOW I KNOW HE LOVES ME AND I LOVE HIM TO DEATH WE ARE BESTFRIENDS LOVERS EVERYTHING BUT THE THING IS HE IS BIPOLARED AND HE CANT HELP IT OE MIN HE LOVES ME AND EVERYTHING IS FINE AND THEN HE WILL SWITCH BUT THE THING IS IM IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO CANT HELP WHO THEY ARE AND ITS A SICKNESS HE WILL NEVER GET BETTER BUT YET HE IS MY WORLD MY EVERYTHING WHEN HE IS FINE THEN HE MIGHT TAKE OFF FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO MOVE ON WHEN WE HAVE DREAMS JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE HOW CAN I NOT CRY PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND RIGHT NOW WE ARE SPILTUP BUT LIKE I SAID HELL COME BACK AND ILL JUST HAPPIN AGAIN SO PLEASE HELP ME ON THIS THANKS ALOT | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 2:33:35 PM | Hi Classystangrl!
I really dont know how to help you on this one, as ive never been in that situation before. What i can say to you is, if you keep letting your boyfriend come and go out of your life like he is doing right now, nothing will ever change. This pattern will keep repeating itself and will keep wearing you both down. And this is not healthy for anyone. Maybe its time to let him go and move on to greater things, maybe its not, only you know the answer to that. But seriously, something has to change, or this is your life!!
On topic:
1lonelymama: Please read back a few posts as ive already explained that i have experienced the love you described. He decided to cheat while i was pregnant, but i decided that it was his loss, didnt drop to the floor in pieces, i got on with it, went on to experience greater things without him, and now he realises what a big mistake he made! | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 2:42:57 PM | To answer the subject question, because it is cleansing.
Yes we all deal with loss of any kind differently. I prefer to cry, then laugh.
I've been where some of the posters in broken hearts have been, feeling the total loss as a personal definition of my worthiness. So I CAN and DO emphathize with them.
However, to continually wallow in it is not productive. We all know that.
I am well known amongst friends and family to be an emotional person, I don't find that to be a negative nor a sign of weakness. I'm also well known for dealing with life's little adversities with a sense of humor and a strong belief that I will get thru it. The key is 'through', not avoiding it.
This works for me, but may not for everyone.
OP did what she did for her own self preservation and it worked for her, she wanted to know why others don't handle things like she did. The answer is, we all handle our grief differently. Because we are all individuals.
No need for everyone to get defensive. | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 5:33:45 PM | Well, this is certainly a complicated and upsetting thread, at least for me. OP, let me tell you a story. It really happened to me, so I know it's true.
Long ago in a galaxy far away (meaning 35 years ago, or so,when I was living in a commune) a close friend made an awkward pass, there was a blow-up, we never spoke again. We worked together, though, so we had plenty of opportunity to hurt each other: I slept with his friends, got pregnant and had someone else's baby, he tried to get me kicked out of my apartment, finally succeeded in getting me fired.
When I realized I was pregnant, I was determined not to fall apart - I felt that all my needs and feelings must come second to taking care of the baby. Funny, we're both Irish, isn't it? Anyway, I didn't depend on anyone who could/would let me down or make me feel despair. I raised that child by myself, grew to deeply hate men, never had another relationship with man nor woman.
Two years or so ago, I suddenly woke up crying from a painful dream about my "old friend". I cried for a year. I got grief counseling. In a nutshell, I admitted this man was my one true love, that his ultimate rejection of me was truly devastating, and I just had to deal with it. If I think of him now, it is still like a knife in my heart. I sat down and wrote him a letter, explaining why I had rejected his pass, that I never intended to reject HIM as a man, and expected we would work it out at the time.I explained I had been raised by mentally ill, abusive people, and was afraid of him and his love. But his hurting me, his fury and revenge, wounded my pride and brought out my own fury and need for revenge.
Anyway, since that time, a new world of emotion has opened for me. For the first time in my life, I am open to love and know I need it to fully live. I give and receive affection much more easily, and understand that men are people for the first time.Too bad I wasted my life "being strong", eh?
I'm not saying you are like me- I sincerely hope not. I'm just saying it is true that people are different and experience pain and rejection differently and for different reasons. I am made up of extreme strength and extreme sensitivity, and I needed to grieve. That said, I wish you the best, and that includes love and security. Slainte! | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 6:57:41 PM | I think people who are self-centered find it easier to go on than people who are very sensitive. Self-centered people are much stronger because they never feel as much, it is mostly all surface emotions, although I don't think they really realize this. The world revolves around them so when someone disappoints them, it's just... NEXT.
I find very sensitive people are the polar opposite... feel things too much, react in extremes too often, and are probably less productive and cheerful than the self-centered. One plus is that they have empathy, though, and that's a big plus.
It is probably better to be in the middle, have a healthy self esteem without being too selfish, than to be at the other end of the spectrum, where you invest so much into someone else that when they leave you, it just about kills you.
Yup, balance is key.
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Posted: 4/9/2008 8:39:29 PM | i was bawl bag over the end of a 2 yr relationship for about 6 months.
i was also a bawl bag over a relationship which was 2 months, but only for a couple of weeks.
for myself tho, im not one to jump into relationships.....so time isn't what makes it hard, its how close i was with the person.
different factors can make all the difference. length of relationship, how it ended, why it ended....soooo many different things.
my personal opinion:
yes, i think you are a tad on the cold side. i see where you are coming from. but to not experience a natural emotion is not normal. this person is someone you shared your heart with, and to act like it wasn't altered is weird. | |
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Posted: 4/10/2008 6:21:55 AM | Why would a thoughtful, intelligent , nicelooking woman like you want to call themselves shithead? | |
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Posted: 4/10/2008 6:29:01 AM |
I think people who are self-centered find it easier to go on than people who are very sensitive. Self-centered people are much stronger because they never feel as much, it is mostly all surface emotions, although I don't think they really realize this. The world revolves around them so when someone disappoints them, it's just... NEXT.
Ive said it before, I am NOT self centred, nor am i insensitive. I am a very warm loving person, and i DO have an emotional side, sometimes i can get too emotional.
Just last summer, i nearly lost my 15 year old son to drugs, and for that reason, yes i nearly fell apart. My whole world collapsed from under me and i couldnt see a way out. And i still pray to God everyday to thank him that he pulled through, so for all you folk that think im made from stone, im not, im liable to fall apart just like the next person. But just not over a guy! I know what is important, i live each day like its my last, because i know how precious life is!
What i cant understand is, people wanting to end their own lives over being dumped, especially when they have children. IMO that is selfish and wrong. Imagine the kind of person that poor child that was left behind, will turn out to be, because Mommy would rather take her life over being dumped, than to stay here and to watch me grow up!
That is what im trying to say here, and im sorry if i upset anyone by saying that, but its how i feel on the subject!
My understanding of life, is that as we grow older we grow wiser, and we learn to take the good with the bad! I mean, we are all adults here, people should know that falling apart over a guy is not doing any good whatsoever, but yet people still allow themselves to do so!
I certainly wont, and whether that makes me a heartless b*tch in some peoples eyes, so be it, but i know otherwise. | |
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Posted: 4/10/2008 8:44:33 AM | When we are unable, as parents to learn all of our lessons and thereby learn compassion in all areas of our lives, we are unable to teach our children those lessons and that compassion.
THOSE become the future lessons for our grown kids.
"Our wounds show up in our children, only intensified."
Ask yourself ... WHY am I drawn to these topics? WHAT am I trying to learn? | |
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Posted: 4/10/2008 11:02:04 AM | it was a nickname i got tagged with when i was 11. cuz i was....a shithead...lol....i don't mind it now. meh...
thank you for your comment tho =) | |
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Posted: 4/10/2008 11:24:16 AM | Each person will respond to a break up in a different way.
Some people will fall apart and want to kill themselves.
Other people will become stronger and a more independent
person as a result of a breakup.
A breakup is a breakup. It's how you respond that counts.
Think of all of the famous people who found success in their lives in spite of a tragedy occurring. Example Oprah.
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