| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/20/2008 1:01:48 PM | I think there is a 'miscommunication' in folks saying they are looking for 'long term' on POF. To many women, it means looking for 'marriage', rather than a possible 'committed relationship for however long it lasts'...yes? Have I interpreted that correctly? Personally, I kinda avoid those 'long term' descriptors, 'cause I do think that's (marriage) what it means.
Probably best to just say 'dating', then mention all the possibilities in the profile....after all, us women almost always READ the profiles! Don't want to be misled, after all. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/21/2008 12:07:36 PM | | As I've read over the many posts since I was last here I was struck by the mis communication. There are all types of people on here. Many who would like commitment, but are afraid of subserviance. Many who presume it was the institution of marriage rather than the failure of the relationship that was the problem. Most of us, both male and female carry baggage. Most men paid a high price, at least in their own minds, in their divorce and, since most of us know someone well who is going through the process, we're not likely to forget the costs. I have yet to have met someone who told me personally that their divorce was mutually agreed upon and most have stories that their spouse sought to destroy something important in their life. Whether all of that is true is a matter for speculation. There are always those who are cautious about commitment. On the other hand most women who complain that men won't committ seem to exhibit concerns or expectations about what they should get in a relationship that, at least before a well established relationship, would cause most men to back off as well. Commitment requires security and I do not see either a woman or a man wanting to commit to something where the perceived risks outway the benefits. Everyones perception of risks and benefits will come from their own experience. I certainly would not want to commit to a woman that fed all my insecurities any more than a woman would want to commit to me if my attitudes about her, or her gender, did not enable her to be the best she could be. Commitment is to a specific person and I know of no man who talks about being commited to women generically. While there are many who may not wish to commit generically, most of us are quite specific in what we do not wish to commit to, just as most women do not reject men generically, they still turn down most men who ask them out. Fish who've been tossed back in the water are less likely to bite again unless they're very hungry or the bait is something they can't resist. Most of us aren't all that, so we simply have to wait for the right bait or fish in the right pond for us. Good relationships come from the fulfillment in giving to the relationship, yet it seems that when we're looking we focus on what we get rather than what we can contribute. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/21/2008 12:48:24 PM | | Divorced men might not miss their spouse but they miss the nurturing aspect of a female companion. I have had very pointed responses to my suggestion that men especially after two divorces need the time to date, experience who they are at this stage of life and not be so ready to settle down with the first warm body they come in contact with. Usually the response is they want a mate, not a date and time is passing them by. I too believe that spending time with yourself is very important before you make a commitment to someone else. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/21/2008 3:03:39 PM |
Divorced men might not miss their spouse but they miss the nurturing aspect of a female companion HAHA!!! You've got to be kidding!! Being nurtured would annoy the freaking crap out of me. You gotta get your head out of that mode baby.
Tell you what, if you quit thinking that we need nurturing, we'll quit thinking you need rescuing. Deal? | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/21/2008 5:48:01 PM |
HAHA!!! You've got to be kidding!! Being nurtured would annoy the freaking crap out of me.
...Oh come on sammy, how can you say that...now you go get your jammies on and I'll be there in a minute to give you a good night kiss and tuck you in for the night. If your really good, I might even consider a little game of hide and seek
...Sorry, the devil made me do it.
...maeflowers | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/21/2008 7:18:58 PM | Prof, I think you brought up some really good points. Committment requires trust. And it's to one person not an entire gender. I experienced this in my last relationship. I have always been a very cautious conservative person.........waited two years to get married, etc............and in this last relationship, I committed in six months. My friends thought I had lost it.........
But he understood that committment took trust and he actually took some risks that required him to trust me ........... he let himself be vulnerable first......... and his trusting me like that led quickly to me knowing that I could trust him....... I had never realized before how much vulnerability and trust influence both love, sex and committment but it was just so crystal clear in my last relationship that it happened very quickly. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:00:50 PM | ...Now whats all that about? Oh oh.....what did you do? Don't tell me....you proposed to someone...I mean this thread IS all about men over 40 ...desperate to get married...
Or maybe "Your Dreamin With a Broken Heart"
...maeflowers | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:31:06 PM | HI THERE! I READ YOUR WORDS INTERESTING I MUST SAY!!!!! IF YOU CAN FIND ME A MAN THAT WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN ,PLEASE SEND HIM MY WAY! IVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED!!!! MOST MEN I TALK TO OR MEET THRU PEOPLE DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED,IT BLOWS ME AWAY!!! REASON SOME SAY BECAUSE THEY BEEN BURNT B4!!!! WELL HAVEN T WE ALL!!!!!! I DO THINK AT OUR AGE SOME MEN DO WANT TA MARRY CAUSE THEY DONT WANT TO BE ON THERE OWN WHEN THEY ARE OLDER!!!! BUT THEN AGAIN WHO DOES!!!!!! REGARDS TO ALL..................... | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:41:10 AM |
WELL HAVEN T WE ALL!!!!!! lol. Some to a crisp. You know, like when you drop a french fry in the oven and it stays there for a few iterations? Ya.. like that.
Or maybe "Your Dreamin With a Broken Heart" Been doin' that my whole life baby. That's what gets me in trouble. Truth be told, if I'm not bleeding, I'm as gullible as they come. Maybe more.
What's this about?? Bleeding stopped. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/22/2008 5:39:22 AM | Everyones perception of risks and beneifts will come from their own experience. I certainly would not want to commit to a woman that fed all my insecurities any more than a woman would want to commit to me if my attitudes about her, or her gender, did not enable here to be the best she could be.
Good relationships come from the fulfillment in giving to the relationship, yet it seems that when we're looking we focus on what we get rather than what we can contribute.
Well said, Prof When a person focuses on how rotten life is or has been and how past partners or relationships have disappointed them, this can over-shadow the way they participate in a new relationship. Basically, attitude is everything.
My Mother used to say " Gimme, Gimme never gets." When two people are giving to each other unselfishly, life is good.
Marriage can be wonderful. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/22/2008 6:28:52 AM | I have yet to meet up with a man who wants to marry, who is desparate to marry. Lots of them that want to move in without the benefit of clergy mind you! And I don't even want to go there...lol
I do find that some men, mind you I said "some", want the comforts of home. Dinners cooked, laundry done, a safe warm body to lie with at nite. And while I find that all well and fine, there simply has to be more than that. Especially at my age. If there isn't? Heck, I will stay the way that I am thanks. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/22/2008 7:15:25 AM |
there simply has to be more than that
I suspect that to get to an organized and stable life together, there would already be something "more than that" going on. I won't do laundry and cook meals for just any old woman that happens to lay next to me, the warm softness of her body driving away the chill of January nights, the pleasant aroma of her next to me in front of the TV, enveloped in each others arms, exchanging wet kisses and other signs of affection. Dear me, no, I certainly would not get into that kind of thing. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/22/2008 10:12:56 AM | | First of all ,how does a desire to settle down equal desperation? Generalizations are always dangerous;they assume conditions that may or may not be true.Would I get away with asking why are most women so emotional or why are most women so clingy? I would have to enter the witness protection program if I was that foolhardy. and if I held such ridiculous assertions to be true,I could not expect to have any better luck the second time around,due to my own close-mindedness.My first marriage lasted twenty years,and I did not sunder it without exhausting efforts to heal it.Finally , I accepted that it was better to leave,and it came at a cost to all involved. That was four years ago,and I rebuffed all suggestions that I should date because it just wasn't time for it.After much personal growth and learning how to be comfortable in my own skin I embrace the change in my life with a sense of anticipation and possibility.But believe me, I won't go against my own integrity just to be married or even to be half of a couple. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/22/2008 2:37:22 PM |
I embrace the change in my life with a sense of anticipation and possibility. But, believe me, I won't go against my own integrity just to be married or even to be half of a couple.
A wonderful and astute message Mr. mush | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/22/2008 4:23:33 PM | I had a good marriage, but we all have problems and just admit it, nothing is perfect.
But I loved her unconditionally and I honored my vows to the end. And it was hard.
Would I get married again?
Maybe, but it would have to be a total connection of love, commitment to each other and in no way would I ever compare my new love to my last love in any manner whatsoever.
I'm moving on in my life and who knows where it's going?
Life is for the Living! And every day is a blessing !
Regards, Bob | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/23/2008 3:50:12 AM | | I tend to agree with those that say t his is probably more a fifty/fifty deal mean and women. In my experience I have known men who for one reason or another needed to be in a relationshp or married and I have known women who needed the same. I really don't think it is a gender thing these days. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/23/2008 5:48:14 AM |
Would I get away with asking why are most women so emotional or why are most women so clingy? I would have to enter the witness protection program if I was that foolhardy. INDEED YES.....you would get away with it. The entire point of this thread is exactly that ! Keyword search: "women over 40 are desperate to get married". LOL! FYI......the OP posted this as a COMPANION thread to the one a male posted declaring that all women over the age of 40 are exactly as you described....desperate and clingy. Over the course of about 1 month, when dozens of women described in great detail WHY they did NOT wish to get married...the tune of the men changed from us (women) being desperate....to we are all a bunch of career minded sluts (real wording) who have destroyed the world with our anti family viewpoints.
LOL! funny how some people will complain even when you totally agree with them! | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/23/2008 11:16:23 AM | It is inconceivable to me why anyone would be "desperate" to get married in our age group, unless they need a visa to avoid being booted out of the country, or to be able to cash in on an insurance policy or a pension or something like that. I know lots of women who are anything but desperate to get married, and I can't ever recall meeting a man who had been married who said he was desperate to get married again.
As far as women go, I think that they pretty well screwed themselves out of a good deal under the old style marriage arrangements, because I can't really see any up side to the current rules and regulations in place today. Sure, a lot may have felt trapped in the old scheme, but it was a 2 way street. The men were just as trapped. And for those that worked to make a good life out of the system (probably the majority), there were a lot of benefits for the family.
Today, at least up north here, there are basically no benefits and huge drawbacks to a marriage. No, I don't think "desperate" is the word at all. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/23/2008 2:02:34 PM | Wondering how this would apply to coming out of a bad marriage that lasted to long?
I have no plans to re-marry. At the same time look forward to finding out what i possibly
have missed out on & to feel like the respect i show & things i do for a woman are appreciated. I'm referring to everyday life. Not on a sexual level. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/23/2008 9:52:27 PM | Notabubbalover ~ I missed this thread the first time around. Amen. I feel exactly this way. And confirmed (generally speaking) from other women that date. A lot of men seem to want to be in the traditional married role in their later years and will keep on trying. Whereas some women that like themselves and do not get lonely, can provide for themselves seem far more likely to have higher standards for commitment for the long term.
I have always felt that men "need" women more in the long run than women "need" men. I have a theory that women can find comfort and emotional expression with their girlfriends, whereas men (again, generally speaking) are only ever truly open and free with their spouses, if at all.
Dating this time around, it all feels like this - ranging from those that are clingy to those that are on some sort of mission to find a wife. It feels so narrow minded to me in defining and living a truly mature loving and caring relationship - which can look like so many different definitions outside of "wife". | |
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