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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Spin off from, "men over 35 seriously looking for marriage?" Why???      Home login  
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 Hanuke
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 26
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Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Why are men becoming keen to get married after 35?

I've never been married; love the idea of it, but don't have much faith in the system in our society.

But, having celebrated (it was definitely a celebration) my 30th not so long ago there's a sudden change in the way that people (who don't know me) treat me, in particular women in there 20's and 30's respectively.

I've used social sites to find friends of similar interests for years, kayakers and climbers mainly. But the day after I turned 30 the number of replies I receive dropped. After a couple of months I took the year off one of my profiles and they increased a little again!
On the other hand during the first week after turning 30 I had 3 women make first contact, all 35+ and they showed no signs of being interested in kayaking or climbing. In the whole year I was 29 I only had a couple of 30+ women contact me; now it's 50/50.

All of a sudden the pressure seems to be on... will I get left on the shelf?

At the moment I'm still my very comfortable self and don't believe I'll give in to the pressure of marrying someone in a rush. On the other hand, I only just turned 30 (November 07), I wonder how I'll be feeling in 5 years time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please understand, I'm not against marriage...

I intend to get married one day, but when it happens, there will be no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing at the time... even if it doesn't work out.
I don't believe in not divorcing for the sake of the marriage or the kids - if it's not working why spoil the life of everyone around you? You can't make people around you happy if you're not happy yourself.

I will not marry a second time if my first marriage ends in divorce, 'most' people can only promise, "'Til death do us part," to one person , after a divorce, it's a second hand promise.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm more interested why men moan about marriage!!!

Almost every engagement is instigated by the man, with the proposal.
If your argument adds up to I was nagged / talked / pressured into it, then you made your own bed...lie in it.

If you want to say, "Well, you obviously you haven't been there!"
I have; I didn't propose... friends and family from both sides were pushing (throughout 2 long relationships). I wasn't ready so I stayed unmarried.

If you don't want to get married or have doubts at all (you're talking about the rest of your life) there's a solution!
DON'T PROPOSE!
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 27
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:16:12 AM
Great insight....

The only question I would find applicable, would be about this part of your statement...

Almost every engagement is instigated by the man, with the proposal.


I would say that almost every proposal is made by a man.... but do you really think its instigated by him?? Its been my experience that its instigated by the woman... but made by the man!
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 28
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Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:57:08 AM
Smuggler1, you got that right!
 SmilingInTheSun13
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 29
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 4:05:48 PM
Well I have to say that when I first got back in the dating game I was surpised by how many guys really were after "the relationship" and the eventuality of marriage. There are times when I do miss having the regularity of a relationship but I don't think I could ever get married again. I think when you take kids out of the equation there is no reason to get married. The other thing, since getting into the on line dating thing , I have discovered just how many married people are looking for something extra but not to change their living situation. How sad is that - doesn't give me a whole lot of faith in the institution of marriage. I think because people are married they are just more likely to stay when things are bad.
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 30
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:04:05 PM

Well I have to say that when I first got back in the dating game I was surpised by how many guys really were after "the relationship" and the eventuality of marriage. There are times when I do miss having the regularity of a relationship but I don't think I could ever get married again. I think when you take kids out of the equation there is no reason to get married. The other thing, since getting into the on line dating thing , I have discovered just how many married people are looking for something extra but not to change their living situation. How sad is that - doesn't give me a whole lot of faith in the institution of marriage. I think because people are married they are just more likely to stay when things are bad.


LOL....... I didnt start this thread to BASH marriage.... And I agree with you...

My question though, with all the craziness thats going on in society.... Why get married?? I like the familiarity of a significant other... the closeness... But from my perspective... that marriage thing is really scary! Interested in the Relationship... not the License...
 SmilingInTheSun13
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 31
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:27:01 PM
Interested in the Relationship... not the License

Very well said!


I am not bashing marriage just a little wary of it. It seems to me that when people get married they take each other for granted and because of the license they stay together longer than they should. The older I get, the more I realize maybe we aren't meant to be with one person for the rest of your life. I like the idea of closeness too but I agree...marriage is scary. I think I will become a LAT - defined as Living Apart Together. You each keep your own place and alternate between your place and his place but every once in a while you have your own place to yourself. It seems to me that it's kind of the best of both worlds.
 sirhugsalot
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 32
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Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:32:40 PM
Marriage is not a goal for me, but I welcome commitment if I find someone. A good marriage is not as commonly described in jokes as the ones you quoted. Nothing really changes with marriage outside of one simple fact: commitment keeps the relationship intact even when the feelings temporarily die. In other words, marriage is a promise that you'll stick it out through the good and the bad times.

In today's society, marriage is often just some superficial party that says, "Hey, look at me! I'm hooked up! Let's have a party about it!" But it should be a LOT deeper than that in my view, and obviously, societies current popular views are lead to such a high number of divorces that it hardly makes sense to bother getting married anymore for fear of the legal issues surrounding the probably divorce. A marriage is hard, just like a long-term relationship can be hard. There are compromises. She wants sex each week and he wants it every day. What to do? Maybe have it every other day. Such compromises are the backbone of a marriage. And sometimes, in my opinion, there are minor sacrifices that must be made (but true sacrifice, as opposed to compromise, should not be a common component of a marriage).

I'm 37. My wife left me late last year to pursue her PhD and because she fell out of love with me. She simply left to pursue her PhD. There was no other man involved. There was no clear warning that she was going to leave me, and indeed, everyone around her was totally shocked at her decision. It just happened because she had bottled up all sorts of feelings just like they taught her to do in Syria. Well, she isn't in Syria, and that meant she had an option to leave. So despite all my begging and pleading, she left me. Now, I liked being married. It was great, so why _wouldn't_ I want to be married again? If I find a woman I am in love with, I would again give her my promise to never leave her, and I'd be glad to do it. Why? Because the woman I am looking for would not abuse me after I gave her that promise. She'd just love me more for it. Marriage is beautiful I think.

My only hang up with marriage with ladies in their 30s, is I get this strong feeling that many of them are not marrying for love but because they think it's the right move for children. In my view to have children is not a good justification for marriage. A good marriage provides a good environment for children, but the marriage comes first and independent of any desire for kids. Because I see it that way, I often feel some unseen hand is pressuring women to get hitched up for kids, despite their feelings or lack thereof about whom they are dating. That's sad.
 Bellydanza
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 33
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:10:45 PM
Where are these men over 35 who want to get married? I haven't met any. I can't even find any who want a solid long term relationship.
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 34
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/21/2008 5:05:00 AM

Where are these men over 35 who want to get married? I haven't met any. I can't even find any who want a solid long term relationship.


LOL.... I know for a fact you have blown guys off before. Maybe they are within that pile you discard so readily...
 btj_rv
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 35
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/21/2008 3:27:21 PM
I'd consider it with a women who I believe is not only good for me but who I believe would function well married. I don't believe the two elements necessarily include the other. If you consider how marriage and its history have only until recent acknowledged love into its institution. Marriage seems to still be more of a business transaction with love as a surface benefit.
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 36
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:42:38 PM
LOL... True, for decades marriages were "arranged" by the village elders.... We've come a long way from villages.. and no one pays attention to the elders anymore.

I think you hit it on the head... marriage as an 'institution' .... why should I want to be institutionalized... I didnt do anything wrong!!

 btj_rv
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 37
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/22/2008 2:35:50 PM
marriage as an 'institution'


Generation Next Women Changing the Path to Marriage and Childbearing
YOUNG WOMEN CHALLENGE THE MARRIAGE NORMS June 19, 2006

Emily Nichols is 20. She lives in Oregon and attends community college. She doesn't have a job right now for health reasons. She found out several weeks ago that she is pregnant.

She and her boyfriend, Andy, "are taking it one step at a time." One step at a time, however, doesn't entail marriage, at least right now.

"I figure marriage will come along eventually, but it's not a top priority. I don't need it to survive. If I do get married, I want to do it for the right reasons -- well-thought-out and well-rounded reasons."

Nichols views marriage as a symbolic enterprise rather than a necessity. Education, career and other personal goals take precedence.

"It may be that this is the first generation of women who feel like they need to take care of themselves first, before marriage," she said.

Sociologists agree. Many young women like Emily Nichols are opting to delay marriage in order to "take care of themselves first." How they do so varies. Some women consider marriage and children a distraction from their career goals.

Nichols represents a generation of young women deconstructing the traditional passageway to adulthood -- and demonstrating that education plays a crucial role in the reconstruction.

The price of education
Thirty years ago, the median age for a woman to marry for the first time was 20, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. Now it's 25. The age that women have a first child has also risen in the last 30 years -- from 22 to 25.

Sociologists and demographers cite numerous reasons.

One reason -- specifically associated with privileged young adults -- is that they want to prolong the period between college graduation and adulthood responsibilities. They want to spend a few years barreling down mountains in Colorado or backpacking in Europe before settling down. They want to find themselves. Yet they remain to some degree financially dependent upon their family.

Another reason for the delay is the job market. Getting a good job is a competitive endeavor. More and more, young adults must go back to school -- be it college or grad school -- to set themselves apart from their peers.

"Young people must seek out further vocational or professional education or other means of entering into the labor market with occupational specific skills," wrote Elizabeth Fussell and Anne Gauthier in an essay that appears in the book, "On the Frontier of Adulthood."

In other words, to get a good job, you need to spend a few more years in school -- which leads to yet another reason for the delay in finding a spouse and having a baby: the price of supplemental education.

"Everyone realizes the importance of college, but college has become more expensive and the wherewithal of families to help is going down ... thus the reason people are waiting to marry and have kids," said Frank Furstenberg, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania who tracks marriage trends.

Essentially, young adults, especially women, who are graduating from college at a higher rate than men these days, are delaying the settled-down lifestyle because they feel the need to get a better -- or at least specific -- education to further their careers and themselves.

"I want to do what is important to me ... not worry about finding some mystical man who is going to complete me," said Jackie Echegaray, a 25 year old who works at an international human rights fund in Washington, D.C.

Echegaray spent half her childhood growing up in Texas, the other half in Lima, Peru. "I have a dual background," she said. Raised in a lower middle-class household, she went to an accelerated high school and later graduated from Northwestern University. She double-majored in political science and history with a focus on Latin America.

Three days after commencement, her boyfriend of nearly four years proposed marriage. "It was really unexpected." She accepted.

She moved to D.C. soon after. Her boyfriend moved to Texas for law school. "Everything was fine," she said, until her fiance came to Washington for an internship the summer 2004. The relationship "deteriorated" -- and ended the following February, she said.

"What it made me realize, is that I'm not really ready to be married, and I had to be comfortable with never getting married and never having children," said Echegaray, who is now considering a move to England to study human rights law.

Echegaray doesn't want to sacrifice her ambitions for a husband and child, a common conviction among well-educated women -- but not one held strongly by women without college degrees.

Fatherless children
Like Echegaray, Tina Jackson is also postponing marriage. However unlike Echegaray, Jackson decided not to postpone having a baby.

Jackson is 20 and lives with her mother in the Bronx, N.Y. Her daughter, Aalayjah, which means "to blossom, to be fruitful," is 5 months old.

Jackson didn't plan on getting pregnant. She was taking birth control, but "it didn't do well with me," so she stopped taking it, and two weeks later she got pregnant.

The father, Jackson's boyfriend until recently, sees the baby often, but "he doesn't know the stress of having a baby," she said.

"Next time I know to be married," said Jackson, who initially wanted to marry her boyfriend but didn't think he felt the same way.

She left school to care for Aalayjah, but now intends to enroll in a local continuing adult education program and earn a certificate to be a drug abuse counselor, then eventually get her bachelor's and master's degrees in clinical therapy.

Jackson said that she wants to get married, but if marriage doesn't happen until she's in her 30s, "then that's fine."

"Higher-educated women are postponing both marriage and childbearing. Less-educated women are postponing marriage but not childbearing," wrote David Ellwood and Christopher Jencks of Harvard University in a 2004 report, "The Spread of Single-Parent Families in the United States Since 1960."

Less-educated women, especially less-educated black women, are now having their first child at age 22, up from age 19 in the 1970s. (Non-Hispanic white women, on the other hand, are now giving birth to a first child at age 26.)

One reason is that less-educated women, similar to their educated counterparts, are looking for a quality and supportive second-half, said Maria Kefalas, a professor of sociology at St. Joseph's University in Philadelphia. These women may be having kids early, "but they still have a high standard of marriage."

The available men, however, are not ready to live up to those higher standards, suggest Ellwood and Jencks in their report.

However, less-educated women are still having children early. Ellwood and Jencks point to the labor market, which doesn't offer many opportunities for uneducated women. To compensate, these women have children. "Nurturing children can provide avenues for success and validation that the market does not provide."

Ellwood and Jencks also say that a lack of knowledge about contraception is partly to blame for high birth rates among less-educated women.

Kefalas even suggested that contraception is ignored. Young women and their fellahs talk about children early in the relationship. "Childbearing becomes part of the courtship ritual."

The evolution of traditionalism
Only 7 percent of 18-to-25 year olds are "very worried" about finding a spouse, compared to 35 percent who are "very worried" about getting a sexually transmitted disease, according to a report released at the Brookings Institution in 2005, OMG! How Generation Y is Redefining Faith in the iPod Era.

Clearly, sex supersedes marriage and childbearing on the priority list of young adults.

So, is marriage dying?

No, said Kefalas. Young women in the South and Midwest continue to marry, bare children in their early 20s and otherwise uphold the familial customs of the grandparents. "These are the kids who don't go to college or move to areas like New York City." They're the ones who live in the "pockets of traditionalism ... in places like Idaho, Iowa and parts of Pennsylvania."

At the same time, many Hispanic and Asian families -- ever more prevalent in American society -- maintain the married-with-children model, wrote demographer William Frey of the Brookings Institution.

The pathway to marriage and childbearing isn't crumbling, it's evolving.

Central to this evolution is the "decoupling" of marriage and childbearing, said Harvard's Jencks in an interview.

For instance, a young man and woman may marry at 25, but they'll wait several years before having children. Or a young woman may have a child at 20 but wait until she's almost 30 to marry.

However, Kefalas points out that lower-income, less-educated women who bare children first and marry later are more prone to divorce, while higher-educated women have a relatively low divorce rate.

What might this mean for the future: cohabitation -- unwed couples living together, with or without children. While some people may find this trend depraved, young women like Emily Nichols are more concerned about building their lives as individuals than through the traditional family route.


-- By Oliver Read, Generation Next
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 38
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:11:40 PM

marriage as an 'institution'


Thanks for the info.. but that was meant as a joke.. I hope I didnt offend.....
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 39
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Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:03:46 AM
I have a few reasons but believe in this day and age too many people aren't willing to work on a relationship when it's a bumpy time which all will have. Marriage makes it a bit more difficult to just walk away when the going gets tough so many tend to try and work things out more so than just living together. Is that where the ball and chain deal came from? j/k
 Smuggler1
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 40
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 4/25/2008 8:13:51 AM

I have a few reasons but believe in this day and age too many people aren't willing to work on a relationship when it's a bumpy time which all will have. Marriage makes it a bit more difficult to just walk away when the going gets tough so many tend to try and work things out more so than just living together. Is that where the ball and chain deal came from?


You could be right.. I would add to that though and say that in todays society, its more of an "I, ME" and people want Immediate results.. (guilty at times) for what usually takes time to develop.

You cant put a roast in the oven, thats supposed to be cooked at 300 for 2 hours, and decide to kick the temp up to 600 for 1.

And there seems to be a lot of people who just get bored, and the mentality like you suggest, where people dont want to work on problems, they would rather not point the fingers at themselves as a possible cause, but instead, go find another distraction..

Maybe, if people get married they have the marriage liscense.. Lets lobby to have an expiration date put on the liscense, say that you have to re-new the liscense ever 5 years.. if not, you are released from your obligation!!! How would that sit with folks??
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 41
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/3/2011 8:28:32 AM
married ? pfft,
NEVER in the US; not with its court system and expiration date coursel that the MSW's want to put on a relationship.
Marry overseas - expat overseas- retire abroad - hell it is where all the jobs went anyways.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 42
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/4/2011 7:51:11 AM
I would say that almost every proposal is made by a man.... but do you really think its instigated by him?? Its been my experience that its instigated by the woman... but made by the man!


I would agree that is the norm, however all the men I dated said I love you first, brought up marriage and babies first. I think most men were taken aback by me because they were so used to women being the ones to do so first that they often figured I was "cold" or they didn't like not being "in control"? I dunno.

I seemed to run into alot of men worried about the passage of time and wanting to be like everybody else rather than do what feels right. I had no problems finding men who wanted to commit, but far too often for the wrong reasons or they didn't really understand what commitment really meant. I too agree with a poster above that I would want a solid relationship before bringing kids into the picture. I've always felt that if it happens it will happen.

I've never been one to force anyone into any kind of commitment. However, once you do commit, I take that seriously and one doesn't need marriage for a commitment.

My plan was to be married and have children and probably be a stay-at-home mom. Things didn't work out that way. I still think deep down I'm that person though as I spend alot of time with children and always feel very happy afterwards. But since I've seen relationships work with or without marriage and with kids, I know that both can work for a lifetime.


I think you hit it on the head... marriage as an 'institution' .... why should I want to be institutionalized... I didnt do anything wrong!!


LOL.
 Here_In_Florida
Joined: 4/4/2011
Msg: 43
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/7/2011 7:02:22 AM
I would like to get married eventually. But lately, I've been meeting women around the same age range, who don't even want something long term (much less marriage). They've been so used to being single, that their ability to share their time with other men who have an interest in them is a problem with them.

Kind of like the whole "I want my cake and eat it to" situation. I mean, I've never been married, and I would not have a problem giving up certain things to spend more time with my lady. Just been rather hard lately.

I've know women who admitted to turning down marriage proposals or if they were engaged, to call off the engagement for such a reason.

Some aren't even willing to give up their hobbies that they enjoy on the every so often to be with their sig. other. Not even part-time. So even regular non-marital relationships.

I even knew this lady co-worker that had a boyfriend that was living 2 1/2 hours from where she lived. She actually prefers it that way, and says she'll never date a local man. Because he'd be over at her place too much. LOL

Though, they could have their sig. other join them.

If they're a social butter fly, they aren't willing to take a break from their friends either. Most of my friends gave up MOST of their social life, because they were spending more time with their sig. other and trying to get them to do anything is almost like pulling teeth.

I am happy for them that they are really into each other, so if it works for BOTH of them, if they're BOTH willign to give up something to be with each other, then it works for them. :)

I mean, I know how awesome it is to have your independence and the freedom to do what you want, but there has to be some kind of compromise there. Balance things out, etc.
 Mr_Modular
Joined: 1/25/2011
Msg: 44
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/14/2011 12:42:32 PM
Part of me would like to get married, but it's not something I'm in any hurry. I think the urge has more to do with everyone else around me getting married or already am. With that said, I have seen some people who are great together, and others who shouldn't be, and sadly the shouldn't be's out number the goods.

The way I look at it, and so many people give me grief for is 'I find the girl girl, we click, love each other, and so forth, and there's no talk or pressure of getting married, then why do it?' It's like the old adage, if it's not broke, don't fix it.

There's a girl i like, or did, and we're absolutely perfect for one another, but she won't give me a single chance because I'm not the marrying kind. There's more to it, but thing is, I don't want that kind of pressure. You know, after dating, there'll be pressure for ring, marriage, and kids. I have issues with anxiety, and I don't want to do something like that unless I'm 100 percent ready...and that's what marriage should be...when you're ready, not because society or your culture says you have to.
 Lolita_LeBron
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 45
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/14/2011 5:28:58 PM
This thread is like eating dry toast and nothing to wash it down. Painful to read. Seriously, OP, you aren't worried about anything other than your potential dates getting married and leaving you alone. When that happens, where will your potential for a fun and fulfilling life as a confirmed bachelor leave you?
 complete_moron
Joined: 6/4/2011
Msg: 46
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/14/2011 6:16:03 PM
I have never been married, so it would be a new thing for me.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 47
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/15/2011 1:54:01 AM
Sorry to burst your bubble, but there are many women who value marriage and accept male help with no problem and come from a two parent home and a culture of staying together and even planned to be a stay at home mom.

Sadly, I've not met any men willing to go the distance. As soon as things got tough, they buckled.

The amount of women I saw leaving their men because the sex sucked is pretty high up there. That's usually what "outgrown" means in many cases. Sorry, but there is no way that anyone should have to stay in a marriage where the man doesn't make any effort to improve their sex life, other than "climbing on and getting off". If you think I'm joking, I'm not because I went through it. And I've heard all kinds of stories.

I don't disagree that there are a lot of entitled women out there; I run into them every day. But I run into entitled PEOPLE every day. Breaking the rules of the road because they missed their turn so they figure they can block all the lanes of traffic to get across rather than go around. That's just one example, but I have a lot more.

But WHY are these people like this? The women I see who are the worst? Married. I wonder why that is....
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 48
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History
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/15/2011 3:18:27 PM
I am not sure why anyone would except that it is the socially accepted thing to do unless they wanted kids then I could see why. I am separated, about to file the papers after being totally separated for 4 yrs. I have children, they have father's that take care of them for the most part, as do I. I had a long term relationship of 1 1/2 yrs after that. I am not looking for marriage, it's not on my radar at all. I am done having kids and would be happy living with a special someone separately or together for that matter. I can commit without the paper. A ring or a piece of paper doesn't make someone more committed IMO.
 Mr_Modular
Joined: 1/25/2011
Msg: 49
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/15/2011 4:12:24 PM
Thank you, DaisyRose! :)
 letsplay74
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 50
Spin off from, men over 35 seriously looking for marriage? Why???
Posted: 6/24/2011 3:46:07 PM
I am all for getting married . The only problem I see is most wemen are selfish and base everything off of looks and money. Nice guys do always finish last.
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