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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 5/31/2008 10:10:28 PM | | I am also single, 36 and Never married and like some have echoed the chief reasons have to do with my putting my career above relationships well up to now. In fact that career was possibly responsible for the failure of a 5 year relationship, turned out for the best as I am now able to properly attend to what I want and what my prospective mate needs. You live and you learn. I've recently freed up the time needed to get into a bit more dating so I've bubbled up socially some what...still have the career to attend to though. I think the reasons for someone being single at this stage will vary, for some it is work, for others social issues or both (work induced social issues ;) )you can't paint all of us with the same brush! | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:47:39 AM | Kayaker
If you are so shallow, that a 35 year old, who's ONLY fault is that he's single, then I really pity you.
Wife bashers, hardened crims, drug abusers, cheats etc. And you are grizzling about him being still single. You really hoave no idea how good you really have it girl. The good men you are seeking are all around you. You are too blind to see it. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:51:41 AM | ^^^ Post 102, You perhaps missed that the OP *is* male, 35, single, never married, and childless??
OOTP -
I find men 35 and older who have never married (and therefore never divorced) and never had children to be some of the most generous and civic-minded gentlemen I have met or known. In many cases, it has been my experience that they focus their energies into improving entire communities, volunteering their time and talents to family, friends, and the places they live or work. It is certainly not a matter of not wanting to find and commit to someone, it is a matter of not having found a good match!
I was not aware that never being married or having children was a relationship stigma or character failing, for either gender, until seeing such tripe here, in the forums. I hereby formally reject that "reality" and substitute my own! (Then again, I'm biased.)
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:05:04 AM | I got married at 34, we had 3 great kids and we were together 12 years.
I've never had a problem commiting to the right woman, and I'm quite capable of commiting again. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:08:30 AM | I've been told by some (mostly single moms) that men who reach their mid thirties and and don't have kids and/or have never been married are by definition, commitment-phobes. Since I'm in my mid thirties, don't have kids, and haven't been married, I've been told that I have what constitutes a dating handicap, so to speak. I'm wondering how common this view is?
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well since these women are" single" moms. i would imagine it was they or their ex partners with the commitment problems
im 38 no kids never married, i have no commitment issues and im not one of those possesive jealous freaks either
i think its kinda hypocritical of these people to judge you and people like us basedon their own personal life experiences, after all it is them that is having an issue not you.
at least we dont have kids with multiple partners and then dump them and move on to the next person to do it to again.
i think personally it is us older guys with no dependants that in the end are more of an attractive choice for women.after all we are either very careful or extremely lucky to not have ex gf baggage stalking us the rest of our lives because we didnt use protection or make rash choices based on lust rather than reality.
those that judge you based on your lack of dependants are really just jealous because they werent either smart enough or lucky enough to be making proper choices
granted having kids is great and with the right person it can be awesome, but as it is , they are single by choice or because they made a poor decision.
if you arent judging them on their choice of partners, who are they to judge you based on your lack of dependants?
half the exxes who abandon single moms are druggies, alcoholics, abusers or mansluts or just lazy sobs who want to live off a woman | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:14:51 AM | I think these days, professionals just get comfortable in their careers at 30-35 (depending on when they went to grad school/law school). This is finally the time in life where you have marketable skills and don't have to kill yourself 70 hours a week to stay in the game.
35 and no wife or kids is pretty common for Boston, New York, probably all the Silicon Valley type towns in Cali, and it's very common in certain industries. Med school, for instance takes FOREVER to complete and requires a very strong commitment, so it's reasonable to think a person who put school and residency first never got hitched. I wouldn't say that makes them a commitment-phobe, just someone who didn't make dating a priority. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:25:49 AM | I'm soon-to-be 39 and never had kids and never been married.
Primary reason being I had an extremely tough childhood, and I spent my 20's getting my $h!t straight (the stuff that really matters) and dealing with the pain. I generally played things smart and did the right thing. But I never stayed in the same place for long (moved over 20 times before I was 18). So in a sense I "lost" 10-15 years, or got put behind by that much.
Once I hit my 30's and really started looking to settle down, it was very difficult for me to come to the realization that most people from my generation were married/divorced by then. Here I thought, after all that hard work, my *reward* would come to me. Man, was I in for a surprise. LOL
At the present, all I have to really say is I'm really ****ing disgusted with the options available to me. It's like coming to a family dinner after everyone's already done with thirds; everything's been picked over already. I've had it up to "here" dealing with psychos, insecure twits and sleazebags (and feminist man-haters too). 
Of course, my opinion is "**** that". I don't want some second-rate BS relationship with some ****ed-in-the-head psycho dumbass who can't learn from her mistakes... I'll stay single. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:36:35 AM | I think that maturity of both women and men make them more careful in their choice of a partner. Some of us may analyze a relationship differently than when we were teen or twenties, some of us had broken hearts and don't want to be vulnerable again, some of us focused on things other than dating along the years, some of us are choosey.
I'm 37, never married and no kids. Having experienced the good and bad of life alone, I don't commit to just anyone, does that make me a commitment phobe?
In addition to being focused on careers and other life events, I am also pickey on who I associate with. My friends usually have similar characteristics to me, eg, hardworking, calm, smart, polite, loyal, non-smoker, not much clubbing, this makes it hard to meet guys. If I meet a guy who doesn't have the qualities I appreciate in friends, the relationship will go nowhere and it's a waste of time on both. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:37:14 AM | Marriage requires both being in one place long enough and meeting the right person. Neither of these has been the case with me so far.
As for kids, some of us simply don't want to have them. This has nothing to do with committment to a partner. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:57:07 AM | OP,
I just turned 40 and am in the same boat as you. Not for lack of trying on my part. Have been engaged but never married and no kids. Not by choice mind you and just got reemed by some guy because I chose the undecided/open in my kids box on profile and this guy reemed me that "father time" is ticking away and that I would scare away alot of guys because I don't know whether I want to have kids or not?
Hey, I just put down open because if I say Yes, I do want kids that scares away many guys my age late 30's plus that already had their kids or just don't want any or anymore. So I feel like I can't win for trying! LOLOL
Like I said, never married/no kids but not my choice I would have loved to gotten married 15-10 yrs ago and started a family but never could meet a guy who wanted the same things as me at the same time in life. When I wanted to find a mate, they all wanted to play. Now I'd feel lucky enough to find a guy who just wants a Relationship!
Most guys don't want to be tied down AT All...If you get just 1 date out of them a real date not a booty call which most my age want, consider yourself lucky. Most dont' want a girlfriend, don't want to date/court. Don't want to get married or re-married, don't want a relationship at all at my age. They say they do but when things start getting a little too real, they run for the hills... one reason, I got out of dating game and just use this now as creative outlet. Most guys by mid-30's + I guess have given up the dream of finding love of their life....Looks like you and I are only ones who still have a glimer of hope...good luck sistah. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:01:45 AM | trubblemaker,
You make a very valid point. Good to hear from the man's point of view. I'm sure there are many men that are 30's something that are not commitment phobe but your right about the baby mama's out there. I know of a guy who has 7 kids by 3 women and he's only 34! Yikes! Yeah, he's a manslut for sure...why I stay away. Either that or he's got super sperm! llololol | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:07:11 AM | A commencement speaker for the graduating seniors included in his speech a wonderful anecdote. He said he waited until he was 42 to get married because that's how long it took him to meet a person whose happiness was more important to him than his own.
Discovering compassion--sacrifice--beyond your own needs and convenience is the beginning of maturity. You can learn this. You can articulate it. Until you do, it's a foreign language. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:21:45 AM | | Well, I am 47 and never married with no kids (by choice). I think it is altogether possible that people who marry later in life just have not found the right person yet. Perhaps they are more complex people or do not mature until later in life (both are true with me). I would not hold this against a person, especially given the fact that most people who marry young end up divorcing. I think marrying when you are more mature and know yourself better gives you a better chance at success. It is also true that they may have intimacy or commitment issues, but they may be willing to work on those issues in the right situation. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:48:22 AM | My goal is to one day be married to someone that I truly love and that truly loves me, and a man that is over 35(or worse yet my age) that has never been married would make me think he was a waste of my time. Men have so many more options than women, so if they haven't married by that age, I would think they just didn't want to. A man my age(51) could date and marry women anywhere from 21-61 and most people wouldn't give it a thought.
<quote>I've had it up to "here" dealing with psychos, insecure twits and sleazebags (and feminist man-haters too). </quote>
There are plenty of men that would fit that too(just change the feminist man hater to woman hater), but it doesn't mean I am giving up on the entire male gender.
As to some saying they have never been divorced, big deal, you can't fail at anything you have never tried. I admit I have gotten a lot picker than I was when I was younger, but at the same time when I met someone I do so with an open mind.
Then people worrying about losing stuff. I really don't get it. I would rather be with someone I truly loved and that loved me and not have much stuff, than to have a lot of stuff and have no one to share it with.
Then this idea of living together(or as I like to call it playing house), it just isn't the same. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 10:15:17 AM | I'm 35, no kids, but was once married. I got married when I was 20 and divorced by 23. Too young, too quick, too stupid. But now that I am in my mid 30's, I have a completely different outlook on life. I know what matters, and most importantly...what doesn't! Would I like kids?...sure I would. Would I like to meet someone and travel, and laugh, and grow old with? Of course.
I have dated men who have kids and those who don't; those who have never been married and those who have been divorced. Someone's past relationship history doesn't really matter to me. The way that a man views his relationship future does. This main issue I come across with men who have never been married is that they are looking for a comfortable living. I couldn't tell you how many men I've dated have expressed becoming D.I.N.K.S. (duel income no kids). I totally respect someone's decision to not have kids, but to use this as an advertising tool won't win them a second look from someone who does want them, or at least is undecided about the whole issue.
Anyways, just my two cents | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:15:17 PM | A 'dating handicap'?? Wow. I think that is a bit much to be honest with you.
Just because someone has not been married before at 35+, doesn't mean that they don't have experience in long-term relationships, which sometimes last as long (if not longer) than some marriages. Take me for example, I was in an 8-year relationship, but never married because I wasn't interested in legalizing anything.
Actually men in their 30s that have never been married and do not have kids are at the top of my list for dating!
Each person is different, as well as each situation, so judging a book by it's cover based on these factors is ridiculous in my opinion.
I wish you all the best in your search!
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:33:01 PM |
I've been told by some (mostly single moms) that men who reach their mid thirties and and don't have kids and/or have never been married are by definition, commitment-phobes. They're mostly just jealous that you have a life of freedom that they cannot. This is the way I look at it:
You were smart and didn't get some woman pregnant, altering the course of your life and hers forever. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:06:04 PM | that's about how old I was when I met the X.. roughly 35..no kids.. 1 previous marriage but no kids..
never heard that before...
hmmm na... one joins a monastery when one wishes to achieve an inner something spiritul.. you just gotta tough it out... you could go volunteer time at some hospital and get to meet the girls who work there.. drum up a friendship and see what happens'... or go enroll yourself in an all girls college, least get a job on campus... movies are made about that sorta stuff... | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/3/2008 6:38:59 AM |
You were smart and didn't get some woman pregnant, altering the course of your life and hers forever.
Yes when you marry, have children, get divorced it does alter your life forever. It doesn't mean it is a bad thing.
First of all my children came out of it, and now grandchildren. The second good thing that came out of it, is a me that is more willing to accept a person for the who they are, and to worry less about little things.
As to freedom, I guess that really depends on what you call freedom. I really think the people that have the most freedom are those that are truly happily married, and truly happy being with each other. Then you can be free to be yourself 100%.
If someone can be happy and single, all I can say is to each their own. I think being single sucks, but yes being married to someone you don't love is even worse, but I don't regret anything I have done as I have learned a lot from my past mistakes. Now if I could met just one man that wasn't hooked on drugs, a nut job, married, gay, or bitter because of all of those nasty women that have done him so wrong it would be great. Not saying there aren't men like that, I just don't know any!!! | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:07:17 AM |
a man that is over 35(or worse yet my age) that has never been married would make me think he was a waste of my time.
Wow. What a narrow-minded, judgemental attitude. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:19:39 AM | Bulls**t. If I was looking for a relationship, and found a guy who fit this description, I'd be in heaven. A lot of my friends are married and having kids, and they all tell me how wonderful it is, and when is it going to be my turn, blah, blah, blah....and I couldn't care less. That life isn't for everyone, and no one should look down on you or think you're strange just because you don't fulfull some kind of stupid stereotype. You'll find that in a lot of cases, being your age and unattached is an advantage rather than a disadvantage. So keep your head up and don't worry about what anyone else says, especially the so-called "married and happy" crowd. Because a lot of times, these people are actually the most miserable and don't want to admit it, and probably envious of your singledom.
Well said. I had someone live with me for years where SHE did not want to get married. We lived together for 12 years. Longer than most people's marriages. I have know married people who are unfaithful. Geez, talk about committment problems. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:00:43 PM | | I don't see why this would be a problem for anyone. Actually, I think the norm now is that people aren't having kids until later on, let alone marriage. Personally the only thing about meeting a man who has not yet had kids is that he might want to and I am finished with that. | |
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| 35, No Kids, Never Married
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:38:35 PM |
(OP) ... men who reach their mid thirties and and don't have kids and/or have never been married are by definition, commitment-phobes.
A lot of presumptions are being made by someone who exhibits this mindset. Namely that men are dogs who are ruled by their gonads and can't help hitting on anything walking on two legs, the inevitable consequence being that the guy will (eventually) end up with someone who nonetheless actually likes him enough to want to spend the rest of her life together with him being married, having kids, etc. Since obviously that didn't happen in order for him to now be single and child-free, the guy must be at fault. He must have balked short of the altar, and likely dumped a whole string of women who he's thus victimized along the way to being 35, single, and child-free because of said presumed phobia.
As usual, the premise controls the conclusion.
Has it occurred to those who hold this view that there might be other explanations?
No. But then it's not like they're reality-testing scientific types, or into questioning and re-thinking their many presumptions. If they were, they might inquire as to what some of those other explanations might be. But they don't. Part of it is that they don't view men as being fully human, so they really don't care to get to know a guy and learn the truth.
It's much easier to just assume the worst. They've heard it all so frequently and for so long that it all just has to be true. And besides, they get the psychological payoff that they're superior to all those flawed men, and simultaneously also a victim of them - that there's no one who is worthy of their stupendous greatness.
But it is a bit peculiar, to say the least, as well as self-defeating, for a woman to toss out the most eligible single guys without even a second thought. But it does insure the woman stays single. Which, as it turns out, is actually a Good Thing for those guys. | |
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