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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:47:20 PM |
Knock off the shaming tactics
Shaming tactics? Far from it ... maybe it's your own hidden conscience at work?
lose the "just because 1 lesbian can climb mt everest means potentially all women can."
*I* am not the one lumping all single parents, or all single mothers, into one group. (Or all Mount Everest-climbing lesbians either, for that matter.)
Comments were based on what 90% of the people are doing, from countless studies, years of research.
I'm still waiting to know what those studies are that you're referring to. If you're going to quote stats, please be nice enough to cite your references.
You refer to a very small percentage of success that isn't getting larger.
Yes, it is a small percentage. That was just a few minutes of research I did on my own. I bet I could come up with a longer list if I really set my mind to it, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. And how do you know it isn't getting any larger? Just because YOU aren't in it, doesn't mean it isn't getting bigger, and since there is a rise in divorce/single parent households, it only stands to reason that more and more of those children are actually going to be successful in life.
It goes without saying (or so I thought) that a household with two parents who love each other and their children is an ideal situation. Even better is a household that is also surrounded by a loving, nurturing, network of friends and family, and one that is financially stable. We don't all live in an ideal world, unfortunately. Occasionally it IS better if one parent, whether it be the father OR the mother, is absent. (Cases of child abuse by one parent, just as a "for instance".) That doesn't mean that those children are doomed in life and will never amount to anything. It MAY mean, however, that the remaining parent has to work harder to try and provide everything he/she feels the child needs to be successful (i.e. college tuition) and that the child, as he or she grows up, also needs to work harder to get what they want out of life.
The name of this thread is "Kids Need Both Parents". Kids NEED a lot of things. They don't NEED both parents, UNLESS both of those parents are good to AND for their children. If one is abusive, physically, mentally, or verbally, that's not something kids NEED. If having both parents in their life is detrimental to the health and well-being of the child(ren), then kids don't NEED that.
I'm tired of reading threads where everyone in a particular category is lumped together, irregardless of individual circumstances. You get a few individuals who've been burned by someone in a particular group, who then make it their personal crusade to bash and bad-mouth everyone in that group. One of the first threads I ever read here had someone laying the blame for all broken marriages at the woman's feet. Sorry, but the whole snake and apple thing happened a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago. Can we start to move past it, please?? | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/9/2008 2:25:06 PM |
It goes without saying (or so I thought) that a household with two parents who love each other and their children is an ideal situation. ... Occasionally it IS better if one parent, whether it be the father OR the mother, is absent. (Cases of child abuse by one parent, just as a "for instance".) That doesn't mean that those children are doomed in life and will never amount to anything. It MAY mean, however, that the remaining parent has to work harder to try and provide everything he/she feels the child needs to be successful (i.e. college tuition) and that the child, as he or she grows up, also needs to work harder to get what they want out of life. Boy, you couldn't have stated this any clearer. We agree, then, that two involved parents is best (ideal.) Anything less is therefore less than ideal. Not that it can't be done successfully, but it certainly stacks the deck against the child in general. It will require more work on behalf of the lone parent and the child.
I think the arguing in this thread can all be traced to the word "need." Lots of kids raised by one parent. Was the other parent needed? Also lots of kids at risk because one parent was excluded. Then was the other parent needed? It's an ambiguous term. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:33:17 PM |
We agree, then, that two involved parents is best (ideal.)
Of course. I never stated otherwise.
Anything less is therefore less than ideal. Not that it can't be done successfully, but it certainly stacks the deck against the child in general. It will require more work on behalf of the lone parent and the child.
Less than ideal in MOST cases. Again, if it's detrimental to the child(ren) to start off with to be with, or have contact with, BOTH parents, then their success later on in life is almost a moot point. My beef, gripe, angst, frustration, or whatever you want to call it, is not with the word "need". Children do NEED at least one caring, loving, nurturing parent in order for them to thrive. I have no studies to prove that, it's only my humble opinion. If they have two, even if they don't live together, then it's a beautiful thing. What my issue is, is people who insist on grouping everyone with some things in common into one lump:
Lose the Billary socialist nonsense. Study after Study after Study says 100% opposite, 2 parents bred lifes winners. I'm not getting into it because most people can't handle the truth. in response to:
A family network and stability is what a child needs, not nessassary 2 parents.
Is it better for the child to spend time with dad if dad is a child molester/pedifile? Is it better to leave the kids alone with an estranged mom if mom is a drug user who uses while the kids are with her and doesn't even take into account their safety?
Making blanket statements, without solid evidence to back those statements up, is what gets under my skin, and people who insist that "their" point of view is the right one and refuse to try to see something from someone else's perspective. People who insist on making ignorant comments like "all single mothers are just looking for another man to support her and her kids" make me see red.
My children DO see their father. Even though he's not "there" for them as much as I feel he should be, I DO think it's important for them to know him as their father and to build a bond with him. If he tells me he can't take the boys for one reason or another on a scheduled day, I ALWAYS suggest he take them on another day, or for a shorter amount of time, etc. so that they CAN have interaction with them. *I* see what happens when the kids look forward to their visit with him, and *I* am the one that's left to handle their disappointment when he cancels out, and *I* am the one that sees what effect is has on them at school. But I do feel that not having him in their lives at all is NOT what is best for them. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/9/2008 9:38:20 PM | You're angry at quite a few things, and thats exactly what your masters want.
I'd continue this with an easy to understand list of exactly what SMH's produce, but you'll take it personally (pointless emotional reactions), which is why I'm going to avoid it all together with exception to 2 specific points:
if dad is a child molester/pedifile? Is it better to leave the kids alone with an estranged mom if mom is a drug user
90% of the above is born, raised, and bred in SMH's, something very good for gov't agencies, police states, prisons, and the very men who bankrupt our countries by promoting socialism / dumbing down America / perpetuating wars by loaning us money printed out of thin air @ interest.
Don't even bother responding, I'm miles ahead of you and most others on these topics. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/9/2008 9:41:13 PM | Oh, and if you took a step back for a moment, and understood why we have people making ridiculous blanket statements, you'd learn all the invisible forces at play that make western people so angry.
Then you'd learn to forgive others for getting duped into a game of control, (divide/conquer tactics) and free your own mind / heart of anger to truly be the best you possibly can. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:11:20 AM | Hello everyone,
The petition is one in which a request is being made to fix some very wrong things in the family court system within this country (USA). It is not something to demand that both parents be in their children’s lives, but it is somewhat of a demand to allow those parents, both mom and dad, to play an active, positive, loving role in their children’s lives no matter what the situation is between mom and dad. There are many moms and dads who want to and should be in their children’s lives who are not allowed due to the non-enforcement of court orders, the allowance of perjury, the allowance of false allegations, etc.
You see, there are things known as PAS, Parental Alienation Syndrome and HAP, Hostile Aggressive Parenting. In the family situations where either or both of these come into play, the children (Some 50 Million of them and growing) are affected so negatively that they do poorly in school, become gang members, become law breakers, become abusers, become druggies, become drunks, etc. It has been proven in not just one, but many studies, that it is much better to have both parents involved in children’s lives. It is also acknowledged that in some instances it is better to have one of the parents excluded from the children’s lives. Those instances are actually rare. In most broken family unit’s one parent uses the children as a tool to inflict vengeance upon the other parent. You notice I am not speaking in genders. There is a reason for that. Men and women commit this abuse upon children. Some would have us all to believe that the problems lie with men; others will say it is women. They are both wrong. There are moms and dads who commit this type of child abuse. You may be skeptical about this being child abuse. Well, if it interferes with the normal development of the child, IT IS ABUSE!!!!
To those who have been forced to take on the responsibility of raising little ones alone due to the other parent being a physical or mental threat to the kids, I say Bravo.
To those who are the psychopath narcissistic sociopaths who perpetrate devastating mental abuse upon children, I say you belong behind bars.
In one of the posts I noticed a list of supposedly well developed people who had one parent. I think a deeper look at each of their situations should be done. Some of them have some very deep social issues. These people all came from broken homes, but were they raised without the involvement of both parents?
If you have not bothered to read the petition and have posted negatively about it, ten to one says you are an alienator who drove or is driving the other parent away and then making it appear that it is that parent who is whacked. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am not.
The bottom line is children need love, nurturing, positive influence, hugs, praise, consequences, discipline, etc. In most instances two parents are better than one to ensure every base is covered and the future is secured. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 1:15:28 AM |
I can't even reply to that without risking getting kicked off the site. Nice pic though.
What part do you mean? not sure I understand? Maybe Im one of these single parents whoes children will not do well because their father is an ass who shes his new girlfriend as more imprtant than seeing his kids, then again, my eldest daughter is studying English at school 2 years advanced on her age.
My daughter was born brainy/smart/academic, not having her father has not changed that, she is happy, more relaxed now than when I was with her father.
My daughter would wet the bed everynight while her father lived her, maybe it was fear, fear of hearing him beating her mother every night!
Needless to say this stopped the moment I kicked his sorry ass out!
Put that in your statistics pipe and smoke it. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 1:26:18 AM | ksr61...
I know what you're saying, and its efects are long term and harsh. This is weird, and I don't usually divulge to such a degree, but your post made me think, and because of my own past, I think I can offer some insight to support your statements, and I'm sure that I'm not alone. Our first concern is our children, hands down. Parents can damge a child, however un-knowingly. I had to realize that my own parents never consciously set out to hurt us as kids, but their hatred for one another left us as pawns into our adult years. Growing up, I was not allowed to ask about Dad, Mom's reply was simply "Do you realize what that man did to me for 12 years? Why would you ask about him? You will never see him" Dad was a maniac. He beat her sensless. He beat us. I now know why she hurt. But at 7 yrs old, being told that, you quickly learn that your questions are not legitimate. So you develop insecurities, low self esteem. You learn to dance around your parents' emotions...something a child should never have to go through. Mind you, this is only my take, but I think there's a point to this for many.
Then we finally meet dad in our teen years, and he's still at war with mom, some 20 yrs later. My own wife, due to her spite for me, tried to stop my access to my children. She never really knew who I was and how much I love them. Our courts are slowly becoming a fairer system. I thought only men were victims of the witch hunt...I've seen mothers lose their children...I've dated them!! Bottom line, children need, as you said, positive up bringing. Both Parents. I don;t care who's neo science new age theory disagrees, it's mom and dad, period, despite who else enters as a role model. My dad is unsafe to be around...he's abusive and selfish, but he's dad, and I had to know who he was and be vindicated as one of his children. It took me into my 30s to achieve this. Mom disowned me because I chose to see him. Would I ever do that to my own? Hell no. Children need security. They deserve it. They deserve to wake up to a world where they are loved without condition. They deserve as children to dream and hope and build their own future. Shame on us as adults if we inflict our own wounds upon them. I am very hinest with my sons about my past, but they can handle it, because they know that their world with mom and dad, though we're long separated, is safe, and their own feelings are addressed and made priority. Somedays I'd love to tell them all of the crap I hate about their mom, but that would tear their world apart. My parents taught me more than they will ever know. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 1:42:31 AM | cheekyjules..
you are right in feeling the way you do. Perhaps I jumped the gun in my witty reply, and for that I apologize. My mother was beat like an animal at the hands of my father.
I am told that it wasn't un common to find her hiding in a room or a cupboard as he tore through the house, drunk. I know that I;m going deep, but I have a point to this that may help. As a child I eventually demanded to know who my dad was, and mom freaked when I brought it up. I left home at a very tender age to finally find him. He was every bit the mad man she said, but a child needs to know, right? She was right i, and you n saying "you don't need him, so don't ask" I don't blame her . But the basic instinct of a child is to know his/her birth parents, regardless. Yes, you are absolutely right in saying that if your daughter is better off without such a negative influence, you as a mother will protect her. I agree. I just hope that you will portray the past in a way that will not affect your daughter's security. You are obviously hurt by him, and you said that she is more relaxed and happy now that the environment has changed. If she asks about dad, however hard it may be, I hope you will tell her that dad loves her and perhaps he is just too sick right now to see you....or something. Belive me, I would love nothing more than to throw my ex on trial and tell my sons why I really left her, but it's not about me, it's about them. They're smart, the'll see it in their own time.
Forgivness, a pill I hate to swallow, is paramount, if only for the sake of my children. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:27:33 AM |
In one of the posts I noticed a list of supposedly well developed people who had one parent. I think a deeper look at each of their situations should be done. Some of them have some very deep social issues.
You can't seriously be saying these people have "very deep social issues" and that it's caused from being from a broken home, can you? Let me throw another name out at you - Mother Teresa. She came from a "broken home" ... her father died when she was 8, so there was no option of him being "involved". Yep, she had social issues, alright, and never amounted to anything.
Let me throw some other names out at you ... OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson, Donald Trump. All successful people, for all intents and purposes, correct? All came from households with BOTH mother and father present. No social issues here, right??
If you have not bothered to read the petition and have posted negatively about it
I HAVE read the petition and I have NOT posted negatively about it.
~~"Children thrive with the active involvement of both parents. Children and parents should be encouraged to spend substantial time with each other regardless of the parents’ present marital status. ~~
In most instances, I agree with this wholeheartedly. In cases where it is NOT detrimental for the child(ren) to be around one parent or the other, all attempts SHOULD be made for each parent to bond with their child(ren).
~~The undersigned recognize that absent issues of abuse, neglect or abandonment, social and government policy must be structured in such a way as to promote and maximize the opportunity of all parents to contribute to the social, emotional, intellectual, physical, moral and spiritual development of their children."~~
I know of no government policy that will actively and consciously do something to prevent one parent or the other from being involved in their child's upbringing, based on the evidence and information they have received. Courts generally strive to make sure both parents are involved in their children's lives, unless there is evidence to support that it would not be in the child(ren)'s best interest. Who decides which "morals" the child(ren) should be taught? Mom? Dad? The courts? Who decides which faith or religion the child(ren) will follow? What if dad is Jewish, mom is Catholic. They met, fell in love, married and had children. Afterwards they realized that their different faiths WAS a problem and split. Dad will more than likely want the child raised in the Jewish faith, and mom will want them to be Catholic. Who decides?
My "issue" with the petition is that it's too broad and it's points are unenforceable.
There are many moms and dads who want to and should be in their children’s lives who are not allowed due to the non-enforcement of court orders, the allowance of perjury, the allowance of false allegations, etc.
If government agencies aren't able to enforce court orders, and can't prevent perjury and false allegations, how are they going to enforce yet another law stating that each parent must be allowed to contribute to their child's "social, emotional, intellectual, physical, moral and spiritual development"? It just becomes one more law on the books that can't be effectively enforced. We may as well try to enforce "The Golden Rule", then there wouldn't be the need for this type of petition or law.
As I've said before, I believe that the ideal situation is a household with two loving parents. When that isn't possible, I feel both parents should set aside their own differences and strive to do what is in the best interest of their children. "Adults" sometimes act very childishly and think of themselves first, rather than the children, and use the children as pawns to their own needs. Thist isn't anything new, and it isn't JUST because of, or used in, broken marriages. As I've said before, a child of a broken marriage is not in the best of situations, but they're also not condemned to a doomed life. The names that I mentioned are just "big names" that are easily recognizable. Think about the doctors, lawyers, teachers, public officials in your own towns. They didn't ALL come from 2 parent households, but some of them ARE leading reasonably successful lives. By the same token, the homeless Vets, living off the streets or in homeless shelters , the custodians or garbage collectors or street cleaners didn't all come from single parent homes, either.
Show me a petition with realistic, enforceable points, and I will gladly consider signing it. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:33:52 AM | Restless35,
You have shared some insight that so many people never have an opportunity hear. In situations where there is danger, abuse, etc. the custodial parent does have a responsibility to protect themselves and the children. You are so right in what you say about the loving parent, even in situations such as yours, not filling the children’s minds full of negativity especially during their early years of development. When children get older they want and seek answers more on the mental level of adults. This is when some of the details should be shared and opportunity given to the child to confirm the truth like you eventually did.
On the other hand this is not always the case. There are literally millions out there who make up a pack of lies and spew them all over the children for years. My X, for example, does this. She constantly tells our children and everyone else that I am a druggie, a cheater, a loser, an abuser, that I abandoned the family; that I spend time with prostitutes, you name it. My older children know none of this is true. The younger ones do to, but they are easily influenced at their ages and doubt develops. Then it is up to me to provide them with the truth. When I do this it is about me. Not about all that I know first hand about her. I do not bash her in front of the children. Eventually they see for themselves what is true and what is not.
The unfortunate thing about our world is, and it has been demonstrated in this forum in only a couple of days, people tend to see only what is going on in their situations and lives. They think that just because this is how it is for me and my kids then it must be the same with everyone else. Well, it is not like that. I believe people who perpetrate abuse should be jailed. I also believe those who perpetrate false allegations of abuse should be jailed. Both are extremely evil and are harmful to children, adults and society as a whole.
Thanks for sharing part of your story with us. Maybe it will help some people to realize more than they did before reading your testimony. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 8:15:59 AM | Cheekyjules,
Maybe Im one of these single parents whoes children will not do well because their father is an ass who shes his new girlfriend as more imprtant than seeing his kids
My daughter would wet the bed everynight while her father lived her, maybe it was fear, fear of hearing him beating her mother every night!
Needless to say this stopped the moment I kicked his sorry ass out!
Are you sure you give or allow him un-interfered with opportunity to spend time with his kids? Are you sure you are not so full of hatred of what you allege he has done to you that you give him so much grief that he avoids the children to avoid you and your wrath? What does his “new girlfriend” have to with anything? Since him, have you spent time with another or other men?
A child who wets the bed for emotional reasons does not immediately stop as you have portrayed. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was a phase, maybe it could have been many things. Maybe the real reason was never identified. Did you have her examined to determine the cause or do you just use it as another thorn?
Did you know that children are not born brainy/smart/academic ? Sometimes children excel for periods in their schooling as a way to entice love and acceptance from others, especially their parents. When children transform into the puberty stage this begins to fade in a lot of situations. Other means of acceptance are sought. Cliques in school, gangs, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. are indulged in order to achieve the love and acceptance they need and desire.
I would not be so quick to pat yourself on the back for being so successful at being a single/sole parent. Your job is no where near over and you cannot see into the future no better that any of the rest of us human beings. The things you have identified in your other posts I do however think male and female roles should be played in a childs life A family network and stability is what a child needs, not nessassary 2 parents demonstrate your naiveté. Maybe broadening your studies will enhance your ability to fully understand some things that you do not see. What is best for a child is having both parents involved in a manner in which has been explained more than once in this thread. Trying to justify your own situation by influencing others with your incorrect so called “factual” statements is by no means an effective or useful way to ensure that the millions of abused children are being looked out for.
One direct question if you choose to answer? Were you raised in a happy, two parent home? | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 10:24:57 AM | KSR61
My ex rings me on occasion and says can I have the children this weekend (like he has done today actually) I always say yes because I know the children love him and want to see him, today I have said next week as kids have chicken pox but whatever.
I have agreed he can have them on one condition, that is I know his girlfriends address (which is 50miles away someplace) and the children will be staying there friday til sunday, this is not an unfair request, as I have a right to know whom and where my kids are with and where.
I have had 2 relationships since we split.
My childs wetting did just stop, not arguing with you because it happend.
My eldest whom I spoke of before was born with autistic spectrum disorder, yes she was born this way, it was noticed myself from 6months of age, doctors confirmed this is somthing born into the brain. (alot of autisitic or autisic spectrum child are very smart)
Yes I do believe you are either born smart or not, you can improve your knowlede and IQ to an extent, but you cant turn a thicko into a genius!
I do pat myself on the back, whats wrong with that? Just like the head teacher has, child physcologist, D.I.S.C.S (These people recommended my girl for the Magazine for autistic children to be child of the month,they put my daughter in there monthly magazine in January as a child sucess story.
I was brought up the last of 5 daughters, sisters all older than me, 13yrs, 15, 16, and 18 yrs older, I was the baby and was brought up with both parents and they are together now.
This is an ideal relationship what my parents have, but sorry, it's not always possible. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 10:36:42 AM | MamaBear65
Sorry, I am still figuring out how this site works. I did not direct all of my comments to you specifically.
As far as the people you have listed and used as examples to the issues I have attempted make people aware of; I have done no research on any of them. I just know the things I have heard and read in the press and on TV. I doubt you have little more info on them than I do or you would be a little more specific on how they are the ultimate definitions of success. Have any of them been divorced, have any of them abused alcohol or drugs, have any of them been abusive of other humans, have any of them had issues when they were in school, etc.? I really can not say for sure and doubt seriously you can either. All I know is there are some very serious issues that many many thousands of parents face everyday in this country and others. To trivialize the struggle we endure on behalf of our children by offering comparison to Tom Cruz or OJ Simpson is ludicrous.
Have you ever been to court and had a judge render rulings in favor of a psychopath? Have you ever had anyone take your kids and move hundreds of miles away in violation of a court’s orders and deny you the knowledge of the children’s whereabouts? Have you ever had the other parent in your situation threaten your children if they talk to you on the phone? Have you ever had your X tell your children that you are a drug addict, a prostitute, that you steal, lie, etc.? Have you ever had your X tell your kids you abandoned them? Have you ever had your X tell your kids that you don’t love or care about them? Have you ever had your X do everything in their power, even in violation of court orders, to keep you away from your kids????? If you have never had experiences such as these then you have no idea of what is occurring right around you in your perfect little family court and judicial world. This petition is another step in the direction of making issues enforceable. As it stands now in most case involving PAS and HAP there is no enforcement. Only words written on paper. The ultimate enforcement in todays world is taking the children from one parent and giving them to the other. This solves nothing. In most cases both parents love the children, but one has issues of hatred so far imbeded within them that they use the children as a vengence tool. This affects the children adversly, to put it nicely.
You seem to be more of the type that thrives on controversy and believing that you live in such a perfect world more than on being open minded and realizing that there are problems and those problems are all over this imperfect world.
I would bet if you were a victim like the many thousands and thousands of us you would sing a completely different tune. Type PAS in your search window, read and become educated. You may gain some worth while knowledge that may help your kids some day cause no matter how well you do raising them they are not immune to the criminal psychopath narcissistic sociopaths that so many of us in this world have been forced through our love for our children to deal with.
Again, not all of my comments were directed specifically towards you, but if the shoe fits I am sure you are wearing it.
Treat Others As You Wish To Be Treated | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 10:51:19 AM | Of course it is not always possible. Of course *most* people manage to do the best for their children with what they have and the situation they face. Of course *most* people do things to compensate.
Of course *some* people come from very unfavourable beginnings and "make it". The human spirit is full of success stories that beat the odds, or the norm. But that is it... you compensate. Kid's raised in single parent homes that also have a wide circle of extended family and friends do better than those who do not have a support network.
The issue, as I see it, is not to AUTOMATICALLY GRANT shared custody to divorcing couples... there are some mothers and fathers who cannot provide adequate care, no matter how much we might wish it were not so.
However, the world that I would like to see is one where it is CONSIDERED first.
My daughter's father and I divorced before she was born and she has never met him (his choice). I have looked at the effect of divorce on kids and the issues that typically come up for them BECAUSE I was actively seeking ways to learn about and compensate for and head off the effects she would face. Among the host of other things I did, I had her placed in elementary classes with male teaches whenever possible, and her hockey and soccer coaches filled a critically important place in her life. I am proud of the job I have done raising my daughter thus far, and I am proud of the woman she is becoming. Her life would have been different if she had known her father; I don't think that is possible to argue. Being a single parent is a tough job. I've done a great job but there is no way I would ever say that one can do the same job as two can... it is just not possible. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 10:53:10 AM | Cheekyjules
You have shared some valid points. Congrats on your efforts with your child and may you be blessed with many more happy and proud moments.
I think you know what I am trying to stress here. It is all about issues that are different than what you face. You do have a right to know where your child is, but the dad should not be presented with conditions. Just like you probably would not like that if he attempted to do the same. Talking it out will resolve much more and he will likely share much more with you than you realize.
I too was brought up in a happy loving home. The middle child of three. My X was brought up completly different. More along the same lines as she turned out to be. How was I supose to know? I could not have. No one can. Because unfit parents come from all walks of life. Fit parents come from all walks of life.
It is good your X is reaching out to the kids. Let him. Try not to be the boss. The kids will benifit from it.
Oh by the way........Good Job on getting away from someone who laid their hands upon you. You are very strong. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 11:00:38 AM | Thankyou KSR 
I totally agree with this statement and it's exactly what I'm studying right now
Kid's raised in single parent homes that also have a wide circle of extended family and friends do better than those who do not have a support network
My family is very large, so is my ex's, the difference is mine are all very close and his because I'm not with him anymore dont bother seeing the children either.. I have asked many a time and all I get is false hope for the children so dont bother myself any longer.
The funny thing is my ex's parents live just yards across the road, we can see each others living areas from the windows, yet they never knock the door to see their grandkids which I think is disgraceful.
I attempted twice to make contact but they wouldnt answer the door. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 2:23:40 PM | malley on 4/8/2008 12:35:00 PM: Dreamboat ... you are to be commended for making extraordinary sacrifices for your child. I 'm sure that while this was not easy, it is the most beneficial to all concerned.
Of course, I have done this for my child and no other reason... and mind you I would do it no matter what.
While in the exclusive care of my former spouse, my child at the eage of 5 had eight cavities, needed two root canals and one molar extraction. My child was left with a broken wrist for 6 days by my former spouse while in their care... Since I have forced The Court to give me, merely, 50/50 joint legal and physical custody; my child has seen the dentist regularly for 5 years, had a great set of teeth and NEVER has to worry about food, clothing, enducation and most importantly genuine love and caring (caring is in the doing not the saying).
HOWEVER, not all fathers are willing to go the the extremes that you have.
From direct, first hand observation, I can with all honesty say that this is primarily due to the fact that the so-called "Family Law" system breaks fathers down and saddles them unfairly with the stigma and undue financial burden and more often than not - when faced with this kind of governmental emasculation and theft of our children, the natural impulse is to do what everyone is telling you to do and just go away and become a long distance pay-check.
From direct, first hand observation, I can with equal honesty say that if fathers were treated less unjustly - that things would be that much easier on the mother and child. Studies conducted by The Children's Rights Council and others which are available through The American Coalition of Fathers and Children support this presumption.
Many find it difficult to stay sober long enough for a visit.
Is this really a fair statement? Doesn't it imply to the reader that dads drink while moms are the responsible parent? The word you are trying to conjure up is YES.
The fact is that while I was fighting for custody of my daughter, a fight I ultimately one, I was told by a half dozen top name lawyers that a mother can be "...a stung-out crack addict and a judge is more likely to leave the child with that mother than to give them to the father who is a saint..."
Don't you find this reality a little frightening? So if you have noticed a pattern of fathers who have had their kids stolen from them by the so called "Family Law" system drinking more often than usual, you wanna guess why?
But again, you demonstrate no evidance of fathers consuming more swill than moms, so we should chalk it up to a gender bias.
Or plenty refuse to partake in a court ordered parenting class to provide them with the basic skills they lack.
Again, you presumption is to paint the fathers up as "needing" co-parenting class to provide them with basic skills... when in fact fathers statistically show greater overall parenting skills both basic and advanced than mothers.
The only reason moms are given children in divorces so freely is because of an antiquated precidence call "...the child of tender age..." clause which erroneously assumes that the mother is going to be the best parent for a child.
With all the baby drowning, dumpster tossing, backing car over the child moms who have been in the news lately one should just as well assume that giving a dad who fights for his time with his child for no other reason than to father that child should be the better parent with which to leave that kid.
My former spouse was so billigerent in fighting my request to the court to give me 50/50 custody (when my lawyer was telling me I would ge sole custody if I asked for it), the mediator recommended co-parenting counselling (which I welcomed).
If all parents had the strong sense of responsibility that you appear to have a petition like this would not be needed.
Thanks, but I'm nothing special... I just did what any dad would do if they could just keep the faith through the barrage of bull s**t we are forced to swallow just to maintain meaningful realtionships with our children. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 2:50:19 PM | I have not read all the post's so please forgive me if this has already been said.
But I dont buy the whole "children need both parent's in order to become a good child". Yes it is great for a child to have both parent's all the time, yes it is great for a child to have 2 parent's that love them, yes it is great to have 2 parent's that spend the same amount of tme with the child.
But not all times is it a good thing. Sometimes the child is not comfortable with the other parent, sometimes the other parent is not a good influence for the child, sometimes it is not the best enviroment for the child. So no not all times is it good for Shared parenting. And you know what sometimes it all depends on the child on how they are going to be with having the 2 parent's in their life and how much time they will spend with the other child.
My daughter is 2 1/2 and anything more then every second weekend with her father is not good for her, and it is not good for him either which is the reason why he doesnt get more time. If she spends to much time with him she feels like she is being abandoned (sp) by me who has been with her all her life where with him only the last year. So do you think it would be good for her to feel like she is abandoned and feel upset all the time, just because people think that it should be Shared Parenting? I think not.
So this crap about children need both parent's to be a good child is crock. My daughter is a great child and is very well behaved and very advanced for her age and doing just great with the way things are now. And if things were to change on how she feels towards her father the maybe things would change with visitation. But until that happenes then nothing will change.
And you also have to understand that some parent's dont want shared parenting because THEY feel like it is to much for them to handle. So always remember that each situation is diffrent. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 3:18:49 PM | Hello Nevaehs mom
Did someone say a child needs both parents to be a good child? The idea behind the thread I started is to help those of us who are fighting to be in our kids lives and are not allowed. Yes, sometimes it is best that one parent be kept away from a child. Sometimes....... The situations people like me are fighting to have changed are the ones in which one parent, be it father or mother, do everything they can to interfer with and stop any sort of relationship between the child and the other parent for unjust reasons. Not all of us fathers are "dead beats". Just like not all mothers are "dead beats". It is unfortunate that you and so many other moms have been left holding the bag og raising children alone. It is unfortunate that so many dads are left holding that bag. What is even more unfortunate is there are plenty parents who are worthy of being involved in their children's lives who are blocked from doing so. Those are the situations we as loving parents seek to have changed.
As far as the child being comfortable or not with the other parent......I do not understand what is being said. If the other parent is not abusing the child, not trying to come between the child and the custodial parent, not having their head filled with negative information or lies about the non-custodial parent, etc. then why would they feel uncomfortable. All children desire love, affection and acceptance. Why should they not be intitled to such by both parents if they are fit parents?
Kenny | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/10/2008 8:42:35 PM | ksr61...well, I certainly did not intend to elaborate as I did, and it was sort of off topic.
In the long run, I had to meet my father so that I could reach my own conclusions about him. I agree with you in that it is as much a crime to fill a child with lies about the ex as it is to physically hurt that child. It's too bad the Courts don't see that. You're right, these forums are laced with people seemingly spilling their emotions about their own unique experiences, but hopefully we can all learn from one another's feedback. There are so many grey areas in life. I can offer my sons a dynamic to parenting that their mom can't, and vice versa.
They see her as the one who cooks, cleans, signs them up for soccer, all that, and it's good. I'm glad she does that, and for her efforts, I pay the bill as a dad should. It's not the new BF's job to do what I should be doing. I can offer them the world of guy stuff. They come to me with their emotional concerns, as their mom really isn't skilled in that way, so I'm the one who sits up and listens to their day to day. I get the lowdown on school and everything. So both mom and dad find a productive role in their lives, and I consider myself lucky. I was raised in great wealth. My mom married a well to do guy, and he was nice, and they were rich, and I had it all. The single thing they did
that caused me to turn on them emotionally was that they bashed my father quite openly. It was no secret that he was sending resumes to Satan, but the fact that in that one area they chose to do the wrong thing really hurt when I needed emotional support the most.
Just my take. Enjoying this thread. | |
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| Shared Parenting Kids Need Both Parents
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:11:12 AM | hats off to you dreamboat..i wish that more dads were like you...i know of 3 dads,including myself that don't have the dedication and love that you do for your kids..and it's a darn shame.
kids definitely need the nurturing of both parents..this is also important for gender identification when they are young.i have 2 sons and 1 daughter at home still and i do feel bad for them.their father shows up for a few months for access then decides he doesn't want to see them again for sometime.in order to make himself appear like the poor dad deprived of his kids..he says i've poisoned them against him which is so not true..it's just a cop out so others around him won't think he's a "bad dad".
he's never been much of a father to them..he's an alcoholic,big time gambler and an abuser.he's also very much of a control freak.
i believe in what goes around comes around and one day he will become a very lonely miserable person..but of course he'll blame that on someone else too.
he doesn't contribute much to them,(even disobeying court orders which i'm still fighting)physically or emotionally.the main problem i think with him is that because he makes a lot of money,he thinks he's a god and can hurt anybody he likes..very selfish.
i do have a 30 yr old son as well who spends time with them so this has helped a lot..i just don't understand why there are so many dads out there who don't give a hoot.
oh i know once the kids are grown up on their own..the dads come around to apologize for not being there for them, which is so easy to say when there is no responsibility left for them..i've seen that end of it too and you know what?i've heard those kids tell their dads to screw off,they tell dad..you didn't care when we were young we don't care about you now.
it's a shame so many kids suffer in this way,not only with a dad but with some moms as well.
i hate to say it..but some kids unfortunately are better off without the parents who aren't predisposed to being one. | |
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LMAO I'm so glad to see you have a sense of humor, Vet!! Thanks for the early morning laugh!!! 
