|
|
|
|
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:32:50 AM | Very intersting Kaylie....I think you have a lot of valid points! I would post more but my morning coffee hasn't taken effect yet and my brain is still mush. 
But I wanted to tell you that I think it is very interesting and I can see alot of truth in what you wrote :) | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:38:11 AM | Great post OP. I think you're onto something there. 
Bottom line though, the more we enslave ourselves to the past, the more we blind ourselves to the present and remain disillusioned about the future.
I'm 35 and I've had my bouts of good and bad relationships alike. But I'm a realistic optimist (if such terminology exists) and I definitely like to view the glass as being half full (as opposed to half empty).
Life is what you make of it at the end of the day, and whether or not you have had good experiences or bad, one should just look upon them as experiences from which one has to try and draw certain conclusions from and act accordingly, so as to make sure that you end up with a better result next time.
It is plainly obvious here, and in Real Life, that people's past experiences has greatly coloured their views on what is to come. And that is a shame. Oh don't get me wrong, I have my issues too, just like everyone else, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let that colour my views on relationships in general.
I've learned a LOT from my experiences and fully intend to put them to good, positive and practical use and I fully intend to remain optimistic, open minded and positive about each new date I meet.
I also think expectations are a problem. Too many people have too many unrealistic expectations, thus compounding the problem even further.
Best to try and embark upon a new relationship with a clean sheet, an open mind, realistic expectations, a shed load of wisdom (so that you don't get burned again) and a sense of positivism and excitement because, after all, the reasons why we pursue relationships is to be happy (although I'm pretty sure that sentiment is not uniformly shared).
Anyway great post.  | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:26:46 AM | im guessing you bored mr happy by analyzing him and yourself to death
face facts, you may have had the impression that you both interacted and clicked together
but obviously in the other persons eyes, you didnt
the only thing i think that is not honourable, is that he lead you to believe you will be continuing
instead of just letting you know
mind you, i am guessing the hint of not returning your calls, and emails should speak volumes to you
but hey, you may have to analyze that too, or hey, even post a forum to get other peoples opinions
everybody comes to the answerman | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:47:26 AM | | That happened to me recently with a guy I liked SO MUCH. I went crazy trying to figure out what happened. Now that I think about it, you sound right on the money. He kept saying that I was so great I couldn't possibly stay with him. He said that a few times, but it sounded so ridiculous to me (Hey, I'm amazing, but I'm not THAT great or conceited!), I assumed he was joking. Maybe he wasn't. Good Lord!!! | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:33:33 AM | Good theory OP, but as a few others have said ... why waste precious time analyzing allllll the possibilities. I can try, and try, and try ... but it all still boils down to the fact that I am not a mind reader and never will be. I choose (these days) to not devote precious time and energy over analyzing, and just simply take it for what it is ... it didn't work ... period! Either neither of us was quite 'ready' or we just simply didn't click for whatever reasons ... "his" reasons are beyond my control anyway.
Now ~ having said that ... this doesn't mean that I have not looked at each experience and tried to learn a little more about "myself" from it. I think very few are willing to do this ... they'd rather just place blame ~ it's easier than having to be completely honest and freely admit that "self" might be part of the problem. The key is to go open minded into whatever experiences life gives you, and be willing to grow from each and every one. Expectations can only project you into a fantasy world that no one will ever live up to, and disappointment will be your constant friend.
My motto? K.I.S.S. 
>>^..^<< | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:57:44 AM | CHildfreeglow...
Thank you for your ideas, solutions, and the mantra
let it go let it go let it go let it go....
Maybe it just takes time...
Maybe it is "cognitive reframing" which I think is a therapy technique (but I dont' know anythign about it since I am not a therapist and have never studied therapy stuff).
It sure seems like those who are the "realistic optimists" (thank you kb) are able to put the past in the past where it belongs...like in a trunk in the attic - not thrown away but not sitting in teh living room either. And then go forward into the future fresh and ready.
But it's just like people who are depressed. Knowing you are depressed doesn't make it any easier to change. Because when you feel depressed you are literally barely able to function. Getting up and going to exercise, or go shopping, or even go see a therapist are practically impossible until you are mentally ready. It's like a catch-22.
Thank you everyone for your input, experiences, comments, etc... I love fishing in the forum pond b/c we all have a lot to say and add and it really helps, I think, to take one idea and let it evolve into whatever it needs to become. I think it's time to find the solution now... "Let it go" sounds easy but isn't...How do we do that?
Kaylie | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:05:25 AM | I'd sum that theory into "emotional issues" catagory... they have emotional issues too great to sustain a healthy relationship. There is nothing you can do about that and have to let those people go quickly. They are just as bad a dating canidate as any of the others that are emotionally ill ( controlling, etc).
It will really do you no good to try to figure out why someone did what they did or do what they do. Your time would be better spent in focusing on finding the right one for you, not whats wrong with the last one you dated. | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:14:06 AM | @ eazk's theory of fantasy meeting reality. The OP may be right about some people, but there is never one single explanation for why all humans do anything.
Has anyone ever watched dating shows on TV? I actually knew of someone who was on one. What was fascinating was seeing the two daters' impressions of the dates after the shows. One would be saying 'the chemistry was fabulous; I think we're a great match and I can't wait to see X again' and the other would be saying 'Nope. Zero sparks. I have no intention of ever calling that person again'.
People won't tell you right away that they don't like certain things about you. They may go on several dates thinking your good points might overcome your shortcomings. Eventually, they decide that it's just not going to come together for them and they bail. And there you were all along thinking the 'chemistry' was 'wonderful' and that you had 'great' dates. Always be aware that you (that's the plural version of 'you') may not be as intuitive as you think you are. Think of the dating shows - your impression of the date may be very different from the other person's.
So, yes, there may be some Hurts and Cynicals and all those other folks, but I think it's mostly a matter of 's/he's just not that into you' in the end. You can't read minds - can't figure out ahead of time if someone has issues or excessively high expectations or anything else, especially if the person isn't sufficiently self-aware to know that about him or herself. It's not, in short, a solvable problem. When someone disappears, put another fly on the line and dip your line back in the pond  | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:16:29 AM | | I think anyone who has been through any dating in the last 15-20 years recognizes all of these archetypes you mention Kaylie, and like you said, may even recognize some of these behaviors in themselves. To me, it can be summed up simply however, without all the psychoanalysis, as in, if all you ever look for is the worst in people, that's all you'll ever find. I'd like to think I'm at least self aware enough to have changed part of those negative perceptions I may have once had, when it comes to dating someone new. And like the post above mine, I agree that effort spent wondering why someone bailed is simply wasted time & energy, time & energy that would be much better spent on a person more deserving of my attention. | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:32:13 AM | Nice post OP, though I just might by the book on CD & listen to it in my car on the way to work....
I think all your reasons & some of the others are valid....
One of the things I've found for the sudden end to all communication or the relationship is
Expectations.....I think many people go into a dating relationship hoping to find their Soulmate....their personal agenda checklist is so filled with non-negotiable parameters for what they want in a relationship, that it is doomed to fail even before it begins....sooner or later something will be said or done that will lead to one of the people NEXTing the other.....
I don't think there are perfect relationships or that there is someone that is perfect for us....the truth is relationships take concerted efforts to make it work.....they are not easy to develop & maintain, like a germinating seed it needs to be watered and tended to grow.....I guess my question is, Are you willing to put yourself out there and do the hard work for making the relationship grow? otherwise you'll just be here fishing....
 | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:35:55 AM | Putting and 'keeping' the past where it belongs (in the past), is not always easy, but it is not a complicated process. I realize some just have this incessant need to complicate each and every little aspect of life. (Ha! I used to be one of those. lol) Deciding on a daily basis to be where your feet ARE is a gift you receive by being "willing" to LET GO. Living in the moment of today is absolutely necessary if we are to appreciate what's right in front of us, not what's behind us that can't be changed regardless of our thoughts about it. Isn't that what we all want anyway ~ the gift of the present?
Finding forgiveness and gratitude are required to live in the here and now. Though past experience has (hopefully) taught us all a few things, and it has contributed to who we are today, we don't have to stay caught up in it. Simply live life to the fullest "today" and count your blessings as they are presented. The would of's, should of's, could of's are only chains to keep us bound in our own prisons. Realizing you can change only yourself (from this day forward), and not anyone else's behavior is a great weight lifted, and allows you the freedom to let life be as good as you want it to be "today".
(It also allows everyone the right to be wrong.) 
>>^..^<< | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:36:40 AM |
I can't even condense her idea into one sentence yet, but I will.
In my Theory, if you can not condense an idea into a single simple sentence, then it isn't a good idea. KISS
Ah yes... the key word in "keep in simple stupid" is "stupid". We have become a culture of Sound-bite theories... if you can't say it in ONE sentence indeed. Hrmph! Some things in this world need actual paragraphs, pages even, and (dare I say it?) THOUGHT.
To the OP:
I think you're getting your head around this issue really well. There's much truth in what you theorize. I do have to comment though... you wrote this after your morning commute? You mean at work? :-)
Of course, the huge PROBLEM with your theory is how to solve the problem. Everyone tends to think it's "the other person" when a relationship goes south. I'm pleased to read so many people recognizing themselves in at least a part of your theory... I think all of those people are on the road to happiness by recognizing themselves.
Keep up the good thought-provoking ruminating.
METALGAL1 Said:
If hes not activley pursuing you, hes not that into you. Period.
And. . .
We'll never know what goes on in peoples minds and why they do what they do. So stop wasting precious time trying to anazlyze things.
Those two thoughts are polar opposites, Metalgal. You are basically saying you will never know what's in someone's mind but if they aren't "actively" pursuing you, you do know what's in their mind.
James, Seattle, Washington, USA, Earth | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:53:29 AM | Good thoughts and well laid out. It's been a while since I posted here and that was a couple of years ago when I first joined POF. I guess I wanted to learn more about online dating and dating in general but found that after unpteen emails and the odd meeting that went nowhere I got to be ...well more Ms Cynical than anything else.  Oh look even more smiley faces to play with in the forums...deelightful! I wish there was a spellcheck here though.
Anyhoo I recently got busy with a couple of fellas that looked like they had potential and after that went south I said "to heck with this I'm into forums...with my faithful hound Kodiak for company." One guy I was writing to told me my profile showed him that I was a 'head in the clouds, new-agey type ex hippie' and that was the beginning of a really great relationship. After a week of this it was game over and I wandered off muttering to myself.
The second fella I actually met. I told him I don't date much from POF as most of the emails don't temp me a whole lot. He asks me if that's the case then why am I in POF at all and we had a nice little coffee shop tete-a-tete and then POOF...he's gone.
So here I am posting away to my hearts content, reading, exploring with other singles and really learning and enjoying it to boot.
Much better here and thanks for the thought provoking post Kayliecat. | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:00:03 AM | I really don't think they do it either because they are hurt or cynical, mostly because they like playing the field and can't comitt. They are always looking for something better to pop around the corner, so they have to remain available, just in case..........
I wish someone would tell me how to quote on this site, I can't seem to get it right | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 9:32:13 AM | Cutenurse: I TRIED emailing you, but you have so many damned restrictions setup on your profile that I couldn't do it for whatever reason. use [ ] with the word 'quote' in it before your quote and at the end use [/ ] with the word 'quote' after the forward slash.
sorry for posting this in the thread everyone
James | |
|
| |
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:17:23 AM | | People think they have this mutual love and attraction instantly. Sorry that does not happen all the time. So does that mean they are not a potential in the future either? It shouldn't, but in this world, it seems to be that way. It could be we are impatient when it comes to the mutual love affect occurring in our lives, and so when we don't feel it immediately with someone we first meet we most of the time will disqualify them before seeing if something will blossom. This is a product of the instant gradification type world we live in. | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:23:15 AM | Good thread, as well as the responses.
I agree with your theory, and have absolutely experienced it.
Unfortunately, at the end of the day, it's just one of many possible theories that account for this behavior-some of which have been suggested right in this very thread, which I have also experienced:
(sorry for not crediting the original posters in this thread for these comments, just doing it off the top of my head, but they are all equally valid explanations at various times)
-The online fantasy vs. reality.
-One party not being as into the other as they originally might have thought.
-People expecting instant fireworks (i.e. possible unrealistic expectations), and bailing when they don't get them (online dates are a fairly cheap commodity, easy to find another)
-This doesn't have anything to do with the reason people dump one another, but does increase the behavior: People feeling the need to be "less cordial" than if they met the person through their extended social network, etc.
All of these have been mentioned, and IMO, play a part.
I'm of the same opinion of the a few the other posters: you can think about it all you want, but if you're not getting feedback (i.e. the person isn't talking to you), then you never really know. So I don't really think about it anymore. The best way to approach online dating is not to take it too seriously. | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:25:05 AM | Hmm Kaylie what's the Cliffs Notes version of the Kaylie Theory for those of us who aren't speedreaders? Is it something like the Madonna-Whore complex for guys? Women cut things off before they get hurt? Is this a safe paraphrasing of the theory?
I always go back to this date and wonder WTF?? E-mailed woman a few times during the week. Decide to meet Friday night, even though I had plans for a weekend road trip the next day. Arrive at 8pm at bar/restaurant. She is 1/2 hour late even though the venue is minutes from her place. Have a fantastic conversation for over two hours. Kiss each other around 11pm. Kiss each other a few more times in the next 2 hours. 1:30pm there is a 20 minute good-bye kiss outside in sub-freezing temperature. I go on road trip, e-mail on Monday, no response. E-mail Tuesday, no response. E-mail Thursday, reply from her is "I'll e-mail you later". Then receive e-mail Friday morning, she thinks we have nothing in common and she prefers to reconcile with X boyfriend.
I'd prefer to think she's a psycho or a schizo. After that experience, no post-date behavior from a woman surprises me anymore. | |
|
| |
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:36:59 AM | as in, if all you ever look for is the worst in people, that's all you'll ever find
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a cynical way, that fellow so far has the shortest "cliff notes" on this but again, not exactly what OP was saying. I can think of THREE REASONS, that OP and Happily and the Vamp`e get this slightly different interpretation:
1.Women in general are biologically picky (modern men might be too).
2. Healthy (normal), semihealthy, and unhealthy people can go on lots of dates and NOT HAVE CHEMISTRY (men are biological horndogs, and often "feel the chemistry" more than women). So maybe THERE IS TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON INSTANT "CHEMISTRY" (see other thread from young lady "who never clicks" because she used to be overweight and teased), and not enough on "Ok, he/she is very desirable....'I'll go on a second or third date' (put that in Italics).
3. Many Many folks have been hurt (life and love isn't easy...ask the 40 million people killed in WW11 who never loved again), so chemistry or not, social skills or not, it's easy to "botch it".
I wonder how many compatible healthy couples from POF could have hooked up, but "one little word", one wrong pic, one strange hobby, one funky email doomed things from progressing???? (PS: that doesn't include the whiners, golddiggers, drunks, wannabee rockstars, welfaremoms, survivalist dudes, Club Kids, rich desperate housewifes, misogynists, heavy smokers, wheelchair bound, pregnant and 18, dropouts, dingleberries, doofusses and Prima Donnas).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(((if you can not condense an idea into a single simple sentence, then it isn't a good idea.))) I tend to agree (present company excepted). | |
|
| |
| |
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:44:50 AM | I'm admittedly a Ms. Friendly... and i've had this exact thing happen to me where the guy just bailed after a great date.
We dated all summer and it was wonderful. Just going with the flow, laughing, having a great time, no expectations, then after an absolutely great, fun, silly, weekend (miniture golf, bowling, dinner, sunshine, walks on the river), I didn't hear from him. He mailed me 2 days later and said he just couldn't give me what I wanted. I was completely confused, as we'd never had a conversation about our wants or needs, we were just enjoying hanging out. Of course it was then, that i realized that i'd developed some very deep feelings for him. OUCH! 
I think you're onto something, but as we all know there are several reasons why someone isn't ready for a relationship. Fear is basically what you're talking about. I can see how someone would turn into Ms. Hurt or Mr. Cynical if this type of situation happened over and over. I would HOPE that eventually they would see the honesty and vulnerability to someone though.. eventually.  | |
|
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:55:17 AM | Honestly, i think this is more about not wanting to admit the guy/girl doesn't like you, or that you got played, etc. It's human nature to want to put the onus on someone else to absolve yourself of responsibility. We all have egos and we want to believe that if someone falls off the face of the earth, it can't possibly have anything to do with us.
Occam's razor definitely applies here and you had it right when you said:
Yes there are still all the obvious reasons: the person really wasn't into you, they are a player, only after your money/sex, had another honey already, you got on his/her nerves, the sex sucked or was nonexistent, you kiss like a fish, etc.
Perhaps your theory applies 0.1% of the time but 99.9% of the time, pick one of the above and you have your answer. | |
|
|
| Page 3 of 7
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
|
Home
login 
