| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 12:29:38 PM | | I think alot of single women have been really hurt and tend to become pessimistic. On the other hand I think men have a picture in their head of the 'perfect woman', and don't spend enough time to get to know her and get past the picture. Throw in there bad timing, or personal issues, and you have alot of trial and error. I think the important thing is to know what you are and are not ready for, and if you are on this site, be damn sure you are ready to have a relationship with someone in a mature, non-hurtful way. People just don't know what they want 80% of the time. ESPECIALLY after a break-up. I think people should be more 'rebound beware', otherwise you just get sucked into someone elses nightmare. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 12:45:59 PM | | From one analytical mind to another: thank you. I have been wondering lately if my apprehension about getting physical on a first date is hindering me from further dates. I had originally thought I should wait a bit for a number of reasons. I had also been thinking I am fearful to 'fall' for anyone in any small way due to the aforementioned 'disappearing act'. While I respect that women probably do this too, that doesn't make me feel better! Anyway, your post made me feel better. I was feeling a bit like it must 'only happen to me,' and that there is something 'wrong with me'. Glad I'm not the only one and I'll try to continue to just do whatever feel right, natural, etc. and not worry about why someone lost interest. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:32:52 PM | | i can agree on some of it but not all of it. having been on supposed great first dates i must say i wasn't attracted to the person i dated. i am always polite and kind and it is not that your theory does not hold any bias, it does, but perhaps the person was not attracted to you in the first place. and did not want to hurt your feelings. i know because i have been there. i cannot stand to hurt anyone's feelings. it is not that i don't have a backbone it is just i know i hate having my feelings hurt and i do not want to put anyone in that spot. think about that for a little bit and mix it in with your theory. there are actually nice people out there who do not want to truly hurt someone. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:54:45 PM |
They can also *sabotage* the relationship. And I think this happens a lot.
**now we insert the next social psych theory: self-handicapping. This is when you purposely do something bad or hurtful, so that you ensure a negative outcome. Like getting drunk the night before an important test in school. Or oversleeping the day of an interview. Hmmm...or not returning your date's calls. Hmmm...or getting to your date 1 hr late. Or cheating on your date, etc.***
By self-handicapping, Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt ensure that they won't be the ones to get damaged by the other person - they do the damaging first. They set up the situation to make it fail.
Oh, I"m not saying we do this on purpose. I think very often self-handicapping is pretty much on a subconscious level. But it does happen.
Would this fall under the general diagnosis of "passive-aggressive?"
Sometimes they don't bail right at first, but wait until you are very involved. I was married to a man that matched your description...very frustrating. He sabotaged every good relationship he ever had because he figured it would fail anyway, so why put off the inevitable? Unfortunately, people who are passive-aggressive can come across as very charming and intelligent. You may not catch on until much later.
If they choose to not contact you after a seemingly good date(s), you may feel frustrated, but they have done you a favor. They are not good relationship material. The next question may be, "How can you recognize this early on?" | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:59:31 PM | If they choose to not contact you after a seemingly good date(s), you may feel frustrated, but they have done you a favor. They are not good relationship material. The next question may be, "How can you recognize this early on?"
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Yes, but, OP is talking about 'US' (normal people) not contacting another one of us. Maybe I'm wrong, but I assume she means 'WE' (ie, "dating pool of GOOD DATES") who do such things, oh never mind, I don't think I am right about this example.....
For example, this man "who sabatoged every relationships" at least he went past the first dates...got in a relationship, after that who knows what the cause is. Though you seem to have that case pegged. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:28:15 PM | i was totally ms. hurt
what you have said made a lot of sense to me... i've started a relationship with a man that is perfect for me and yet at the beginning i found myself trying to end things for the most petty of reasons. i would pick him apart for the smallest things... looking for any excuse to run for the hills. it took just about loosing the best thing that's ever happened to me to kick me out of my destructive ways and now i'm mindful of the fact that i have 'issues'. very well done... kudos to you! | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:39:36 PM | perhaps the person was not attracted to you in the first place. and did not want to hurt your feelings. i know because i have been there. i cannot stand to hurt anyone's feelings. it is not that i don't have a backbone it is just i know i hate having my feelings hurt and i do not want to put anyone in that spot. think about that for a little bit and mix it in with your theory. there are actually nice people out there who do not want to truly hurt someone.
I would rather have a woman tell me after a date that "we're not a match or compatible" instead of disappearing. The disappearing act can hurt a rejected person's feelings more than the upfront approach. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:22:43 PM | I just wanted to say Kaylie..thanks for an intelligent and thought provoking topic....I wish there were more of these around here....
Bringing me to an assumption...I , too, am interested in psychology..and specifically what makes people/relationships "tick"...but, it's an intellectual interest, not a personal one. I am assuming you are the same. I don't want to know so I can say "aha" about a particular person, I want to know because I like having knowledge and understanding...and that's one of the reasons I love these forums...
I am guilty of the Ms Happy persona...I am almost nauseatingly upbeat and positive, according to some people..it's not that I haven't been hurt ( sure, lots of times), or that I don't get discouraged or depressed ( you bet)..it's just that my hope is stronger...
The disappearing act hurts because of the uncertainty ( was it me? am I that bad at reading people?, etc)...like northeast says..I'd much rather have a reason, even a negative one, than a drop off the face of the earth with no explanation situation..,you don't have to be mean to say "we aren't a match", or I found someone else I'm more interested in..whatever..just something other than silence. Silence allows your imagination to take really wild leaps...
It is particularly puzzling when the other person is being the aggressor..if they aren't interested, why are they doing that?
I don't know if there is a solution because it has to come from within each individual. I can only look at my behavior, and try to correct anything that I see in myself that might be the problem. But, if I honestly can't see what it is about me...what else can I do?
And I refuse to believe, which is often a mantra on here...that everything negative that happens is because there is something wrong with me. I am one of the most self reflective, self aware people I know, and I am hard on myself..sometimes it isn't me. And I can't usually do anything about that...only the other person can.
The difference between who I am, and who I want to be ( as was stated) often leads me to sabotage myself...I am aware of that. However, there is only so much "perfection" one can achieve..sometimes, we just are who we are. And nothing we can do will change the other persons behavior/perception.... | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:00:29 PM | "If you're looking in the ditch, sooner or later that's where you are going to end up"
^ A wise man said that to me a few years ago, I've found it true in my life.
Trust is a component not directly addressed thus far. Some people don't trust themselves, don't trust that life will work out for them and don't trust their own feelings. Another way of putting it might be... they fully trust that they will continue to make all of the exact wrong decisions, lol.
In part, I suspect the internal disconnect with trust creates the cognitive dissonance - what one hopes for but does not trust can work. It is pretty confronting to realize you can't trust your own judgment. Means when you meet that potentially great person, you know you must be wrong and you're just missing "the catch" for the moment. lol, start looking for it and you are sure to find it.
I'll echo the answer is... "let go"
It really IS that simple. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/22/2008 8:27:03 PM | Theory: FEAR... That's all that really drives someone away from a truly "good" relationship. They start fearing of losing the one they love, and usually starts intensely after they realize that the words "I love you" that they originally thought/said has aquired true feelings backing them so they aren't just mere thoughts/words. On the other hand it may not be going as well as it outwardly appears. Many think being a "good" person in a relationship is letting the other do whatever they want and you are only a "bad" person when you speak up about it and say calmly something like "You are doing such and such to me, I would appreciate if you wouldn't...". Like I know one person who tries to say she's a "good" friend to me yet when we both get together and make plans to do something together, she's always rescheduling for every single person that comes along because she has her own problems with saying no to everyone else. It is understandable, but yet it was happening way too frequently then she got upset when I said she is constantly rescheduling everything and I didn't appreciate it. It was seriously abusing the fact that I was truly trying to be understanding about all of it. Yet I guess if you don't want to be pushed around like that you have to come off as sounding like a jerk about it, or be willing to sit there and be treated like crap the whole time so I can outwardly appear as a "good" guy to make up for her shortcomings. And people wonder why the world is the way it is...
Solution: Don't give a second thought to all the fears of what if's that could possibly happen in life. If you don't concentrate on it, you won't end up attracting it into your life what so ever... Notice all the "good" and "bad" stuff in your life... your whole time is spent on your feelings about it/thoughts/speaking about it/actions towards supporting those things, yet they stuff that you don't pay attention to at all doesn't show up, so STOP giving anything you don't want in your life a second thought... | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/23/2008 9:36:41 PM | It's actually a mature thing to do.. to end a new relationship that's any less than what the person was truly seeking.
You have to be true to yourself first. If you realize the full potential isn't there..why lie about it?
The circumstances of the failure are better left unsaid..sometimes.
The truth can be painful emotionally.
If the person is obese..you may not feel sexually attracted, even though the persons personality is divine! Maybe the travelling distance to meet gets bothersome. Maybe the finances change. Maybe someone is still too damaged from a prior love, to commit the energy needed to build a new one.
You have to accept that it's the quitters fault & not yours!Keep searching with the faith that YOU deserve the entire Prize..not half of one.
Dream Big or stay home!! Cheers,Dan'l
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:07:36 PM | OK I have not read everyone's post I stopped at page two.. but I liked what ezak said.. the fantasy/reality thing.
I heard someone else propose a theory and I think it might be a good one too.. She said that if there is a great connection.. then pressure usually builds up..and many times new relationships can't stand the pressure.. Now I think the pressure build up occurs because of the negative self image and images of others that the 4 types meantioned in the OP were present.
A similar scenario happened to me oh a month or so ago. Dating a great guy.. unbelievable chemistry.. he wants to back off a little I say great ... "poof" he's gone.. Duh?? have no idea what happened.. but for me the pressure explanation works for this situation but we had no fights or disagreements.. He had 3 boys that need him in their lives.. put that with work.. and having to drive 45 miles for a date with the price of gas.. plus expense of the date which I might add he was a fabulous date no complaints there. But basically I was too "expensive".. took too much time.. chemistry was great but probably tired him rather than energized him.. easier to meet a local woman to date. You know might have worked better if there was less chemistry.. and we lived in the same town.. I dunno.. but I still consider the guy a friend he is a fabulous date and a wonderful man... sure made me feel like a woman!!! I loved it!! | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:29:18 PM | Occams razor. You are trying to use complicated things to explain simple things.
You thought it was better than they did. That it happens 'too often' to for the 'simple' explanation implies the problem lays in you, not in dating itself.
I have, unfortunately, left people with the impression that the date was a lot more awesome than it was. They mistake politeness for something else, then get upset when I explain it. The simple answer is usually correct. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:02:11 PM | Well they say not to discuss politics and religion................but I think that is essential.......................I can really enjoy a man.......and respect his point of view.........but if his religion is significant different than my own; or his politics..................I can't see this handsome; adorable; intelligent man again................
If his work involved aspects I find is not morally right .. when he says he is a computer expert but then he opens up and tells me who he works for and what part of the government..........good bye.....................
If he told me he was married 3 times...............but did not want to tell me on the phone .. wanted me to see there was reasons; first two marriages too young..etc...
i run................
I am not judging anyone.....................I just know I can't date them a 2nd time; and I'll tell them specifically why 98% of the time. But others times best to disappear by saying I went back with an old boyfriend. Some people you know will get too defensive...............
I say LIVE and LET LIVE...........but not going to continue with a man of the wrong political background.........and no I'm not saying what side of the fence I'm on.. not getting into a political debate on line..
But I did decide when I'm on the phone to directly ask what political side to save time. :) | |
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42 4 U
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Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 96 | |
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:50:12 PM | Excellent post Kaylie. I have also pondered this, and have either experienced, or been guilty of a lot of this stuff too. I stand behind open communication and being honest about your feelings, needs, expectations and not allowing all the little things to become bigger problems by getting them out in the open.
The " shooting yourself in the foot" syndrome is what I call it. Being able to recognize and learn from your mistakes is the most important thing.It takes courage and determination to work through these kind of issues, and when someone lives for years believing that they're no good, or not worthy of love of respect, its very hard to overcome.But people need to weigh the consequences of their actions( or lack of action ) and decide for themselves whether they're satisfied continuing on the same dead end path, or take control of their lives and start to make changes for the better. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:35:53 AM | | I have had this experience recently. I was puzzled; after meeting someone for coffee and talking for hours, he disappears. I texted him after I left and told him I liked talking with him. He texted me back and said "thanks". So, I think --he's just not that into me (or rude). And then a week or so later he texts me with a few flirty remarks. I responded and then ----once again zippo--- nothing. So, I have a new theory. We are all so busy looking for the perfect, instant match that we forget we are dealing with people instead of phones, computers, etc. We treat each other as casually as we would any other appliance and we are getting the same kind of warmth and love in return----none. People talk about "chemistry" and instant connections -- I think we may be watching to many movies instead of actually living life. I am more in doubt of a guy that instantly has gotta have you than a man that wants to build a relationship. But , I don't think people care to build anything today. We just want it all in a profile so that we can order it up and have it delivered. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:36:47 AM | Here's me...
Im Ms Friendly aka Ms Ready in those scenarios and I always am before I even consider dating or getting involved with anyone. Im not ever "masking" Ms Hurt.
When I am Ms Hurt...I just wont get involved with anyone at all.
I dont jump from person to person...leave plenty of space in between to heal before I think about seeing people again...and even then...I have to fluke find someone...cos I wont involve myself with random men either. I find that happens and a man I actually like...comes around about every 3 yrs.
I stay out of the dating game completely until Im Ms Friendly again because I just dont think its fair on other people, Im well aware that being Ms Hurt means nothing will eventuate with anyone if I chose that approach...and my primary goal is always to only move forward in a relationship.
I end up getting involved with Mr Happy aka Mr Cynical who then self sabotages.
I end up Ms Hurt...and then I take time out again till Im Ms Happy.
Thats my cycle.
Frankly I wish more men would stay out of the dating game themselves till they can walk into a date and a relationship as Mr Happily Ready instead of really being Mr Cynical Self Sabotager in disguise.
Would save me 3 yrs and Id be re-married by now ...LOL! | |
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