| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:58:43 AM |
also agree with Eazk concerning Fantasy versus Reality. The perception we form of people during the intial communication phase doesn't always 'line up' with the person we meet in the flesh. It is easy to get caught up in the excitement of 'finding' someone. Perhaps you have a lot in common; feel like your value system lines up; or have shared a lot of the same experiences. It can leave you with a false sense of security. When you meet in person, you discover that this person isn't everything you perceived them to be. Chemistry also plays a big factor in meeting someone. Sometimes you 'click' with someone, and sometimes you don't. One things for sure....if it doesn't come naturally, forcing things isn't gonna make it work
Agree with that ^ :)
I also think there are some people out there who really do love themsleves and consider the women/men they are meeting to be lucky to be getting them (although they dont let that slip clearly), so when the dates actually turn up they consider them not so great after all... as they dont reach their standards,., but they are there already so have the date, a laugh maybe a kiss and leave knowing they will never see this person again while the other one is thinking "what a great date"...
Rest assured those not contacting you are probably looking for perfection when they are far from perfect themselves, i consider this a lucky escape. :) | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:11:58 AM | | Good post! Dr Phil had 3 women on his show....all attractive , single, never been married women....just different age categories...and these ladies would always attempt to FIND a reason not to date them or reject them after the first date...EVEN THOUGH the guy had alot to offer and alot going for him. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:43:35 AM | OP, thank you for thinking out loud with us and sharing your insights. There are always 3 sides to every story--her side, his side, and what actually happened. I do believe people can go into fear very suddenly and shut off whatever positive connection they felt earlier. I think this is more common for men because it is easier for them to compartmentalize their feelings. It does not mean that they deliberately had set out to use someone or play someone. I believe that the feelings were genuinely there, and that the man was telling the truth at the time. I know where I get in trouble is in thinking that the guy was somehow dishonest from the beginning and set out to use me. But it's not usually the case. I've had something like this happen to me very recently, and it's very baffling indeed. There are so many unconscious reasons why someone would sabotage a relationship. And usually they don't even know the reasons themselves. I may never find out what happened with this guy (who I believed was genuinely falling in love with me). I guess all I can do is set a limit for myself and say "That behavior is not acceptable, and I will not give you another chance. Good bye." And perhaps without all the nagging, blaming, accusing, and name calling, maybe some day he will let me know what actually happened. Or maybe not. It is always great when you can communicate. But not everyone is that conscious or aware of their motives.
Thanks for letting me vent, as this personal situation is very fresh in my mind. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:41:19 AM | Good post KCat. Man, you are really workin' on this one to figure it out, I must say.
Many people hold on to old wounds and bruises and 'early similar' reactions. Some hold on longer than others. Probably because there is some sort of Payoff for them in that....it is good street currency...to dredge up....as Caroline Myss would say. Gives people something to moan about, or feel the 'poor me's over and over and over.
I think that many common, everyday situations between a man and a woman are...or will be 'similar' in any relationship. So, we might conclude that people are simply looking for someone who is at least 'closer' to their views about this thing called Life. So, since the chances of finding a perfect clone of ourselves is zero,(and a good thing too, for maybe we don't have it as together as we think we do) many are simply upping the odds that things may work out in a better fashion with a person who is more on the same page with them. Or, at least they are hopeful and content in believing that things are never static, change is inevitable and progressive.
Eventually, we realize that when we give energy to past hurts and failures.....it leaves a lot less energy to put into new situations. In other words, we get 'tired' of losing energy that we could be putting into a better place.
The past 'will not' predict our futures, unless we are still living in it in some way. Every day is different...every human is different..and....it's getting better all the time.
regards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kimbo`````````````````````````````````
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:52:56 AM | ^^k - you say,
"... So, we might conclude that people are simply looking for someone who is at least 'closer' to their views about this thing called Life. So, since the chances of finding a perfect clone of ourselves is zero,(and a good thing too, for maybe we don't have it as together as we think we do) many are simply upping the odds that things may work out in a better fashion with a person who is more on the same page with them...."
for me, it is simply in finding one more like me, my hope is there will be more of a chance of mutually understanding each other, and, ultimately, mutually loving each other.....that perhaps if we are more alike, perhaps our loving will be more alike too.
what i realize is, it is more and more rare as I get older to find this mutual connection....hence what might be a great date for one actually is not as great for the other. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:04:53 AM | This thread is an entertaining read, but I am surprised at the number of people who spend a lot of time thinking/theorizing, about why people disappear after that first meet or first actual date. OP I read that you were not interested in people who think theorizing is "stupid", but I enjoy trying to understand people, without judging them, and just want to share my thoughts on this open forum. Who knows, there may be someone out there beating themselves up about the infamous "vanishing act" and reading what I write, might help them, realize that its not them - its the "magician whonnabe".
When I have a first meet or first date with a man, I always ask how he thought things went, and if he replies good or that he would like to see me again, I tell him "great" if those feelings are mutual, and then I tell him that I look forward to hearing from him again. I am hopeful that he will contact me again, but leave it there because it must be mutual. Now if he just disappears and I really liked the person, I wont deny that I am sad, and do wonder why, but I dont waste much time thinking about it, because the reason doesnt matter, you are not going to be having a relationship with this person. I cant see wasting energy on someone who is not worth your time. If he was, he would be calling you, wanting to see you again. Being the curious creatures we are, we do like to know everything, but it can be damaging to our self-esteem if we dont stop ourselves from getting in a rut about it.
I have a great respect for people who are honest and either tell you face to face, or in an email that they are not interested in continuing things. To me, these are the real men and women who deserve to find "that special person", unfortunately we cannot always have that special connection with someone we would like to. It must be mutual and dating is totally subjective.
Happy Fishing Everyone. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:16:49 AM | OP I think you've got a dating board game in the making here along the lines of 'Cluedo'. You've certainly got enough characters!
I stopped dating with a lady after the first date because I'd fallen for her before we even met and knew I'd got it wrong. I had two weeks of very intense emails and phone calls from her and several hours after having a really great date with her I had a huge panic attack based on some long-buried memory of being dumped by my ex-wife and it went way over the top for me and I ended it there and then and still think it was the right thing to do - I apologised to the lady concerned for getting caught up in my flak. You sometimes don't know you're not ready to date until you have an unconsciously driven reaction like that.
Anyway, since that happened I've got rid of it. But you can't really explain that kind of thing plausibly because it doesn't have a logic to it at first sight and I think that's the trouble with working on all this stuff - it's often not logical. I guess that's what you're trying to do here - establish a standard pattern.
There are various reasons I don't feel comfortable with different women - for example I can't stand aggressive women and although I don't mind a bit of banter women who start the conversation with a put-down or a telling-off immediately activate my relationship-avoidance-satnav (it's amazing what you can get on your mobile phone these days). An awful lot of women try this one on with me and I know there's all this stuff about 'women testing men' but they automatically fail my test!
I think one of the main reasons people do this kind of stuff is because when they meet new person new person forces them to meet with themselves and address issues that make them uncomfortable. The simple rule is: face discomforts raised and they work themselves out, deny discomforts and issues raised and issues continue to play on the emotions and mind.
With each new date there are new personal challenges and if you're willing to work on yourself eventually the challenges disappear and then you're ready to 'do it' again.
I'm sure that's how it works. Do not remove personal emotional blockages, do not go to dating heaven. Sounds like a board game to me. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:04:24 AM | I too enjoy examining how people act out their insecurities and past histories. I had to laugh when I read this post because I saw me as I felt a number of years ago after coming out of a 20+ year marriage - thinking I knew the type of person I wanted to be with at that point but when a man actually displayed some of those things then I didn't know how to handle it. So I'm talking here about being respectful to me, willing to talk about feelings, etc. and I didn't know how to respond. Now I do.
I've been on the other side with a couple of men (post-divorce). I gave them more than one chance because I recognized their struggle. One blew it enough times that I had to say 'no more' for my own sanity. Another one is still in my life but he can't be more than a friend because he's unable to get beyond the past issues and so he continually sabotages his relationships. I've learned to accept him as he is and to not expect more than he is capable of doing/giving and that has been a tremendous growth experience for me.
It's not that he doesn't want to be different, it's that he truly is not capable of it at this point in his life. And that's where I think we run into problems. We typically think that people are just being 'bad' and deliberately trying to wreck what could be a good thing. But what I have learned is that not a lot of us (people that is) are actually mature enough in self-awareness etc. to be capable of the type of relationship that we crave because we still hold on to our old ways of being and past influences (usually at the more unconscious level).
How to get beyond it? Takes lots of work on yourself. Need to learn that it's not your fault that someone else is not yet at the stage you are. Also need to learn that you can't help them get there - it all has to come from the individual. We do tend to attract those who are psychically on the same wavelength, so the 'better' you make yourself ready for that fantastic relationship the more likely it is that you will attract the right person. But if you continually attract the ones who run, then you need to reflect deep into yourself and see what you need to change about you first before you can expect anything else in a relationship. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:27:46 AM | Well I can certainly identify with the original post and the theory..
Had something happen like that with myself a couple of months ago.. Someone was talking about how to "fix it".. I don't think there is a "fix" except to awknowledge that one needs to change.
I do have my own theory which I would like to add to this.. and Solar brought it up in his last post which was very informative.. and it is that element of.. getting pulled into quickly and intensely a situation and then the past pops up in your mind.. and you pull back..
I think a lot of people get sucked into this pattern.. they click with someone in a major way.. the person is a great person.. the ole "shit now what do I do comes up" along with the panic.. and the fear of the getting into something that won't be easy to get out of.. so that is why they disappear. They feel out of control... and they feel that they will reach a critical mass where they can't stop it if it is the wrong person and the longer they wait the harder it will be for them to backout.
Had it happen to me recently.. and when I asked him about it.. he sort of.. answered in effect the way Solar did.. but with not much detail but I knew what he was saying..
And listen I UNDERSTAND..don't feel too good but I do understand!!!
Thanks Solar for your honesty and thanks Alrion | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 11:21:19 AM | | This has happened to me a few times. Just getting to know someone and theres a bit of closeness, definitely attraction, doing things together, intimate at times, then suddenly she dissappears or just doesn't do any contact. It has hurt me for sure but I just move on and hope there truly is someone who isn't afraid to take a chance. I have always told myself I would get hurt heart ripped out a 100 times if I had too if it meant I'd find one great woman someday. Well hopefully its not that many times but its just part of the process I guess that people will dissappear for whatever reason. I really would like an explanation but if it doesnt come there really not much that can be done. I know I havent done that to anyone before especially after things going so well but that is me I choose not to dissappear especially if I feel I do like someone, I'd like to see if it can go somewhere. At least give it a chance and if it doesn't work out then then I can probably be more at peace with the situation. But I do agree with your theory why people dissappear its a very good thread. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 12:18:56 PM |
Meet Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt.
I think they used to be my neighbors. Not very nice people though as he was always criticising my lawn mowing and she was always offended when her cat would come to my house for dinner
So, being human
That's really a big stretch as I usually prefer to date aliens
Mr. Happy and Ms. Friendly
Weren't they in a porn together? You know one of those 70's ones .. bow chica bow bow. I think she had a really big bush, and he was constantly hard!
Mr. Cynical is totally sure that Ms. Friendly will turn out to be psycho once he meets her
Well, she is female after all right?
Ms. Hurt, well, she knows Mr. Happy is only happy b/c he's a player
typical male
Oh shit. Now what do they do?
Go to disneyland?
Well, first of all, they freak out
Wasn't that a song by "Chic"
Aaahh Freak out!
Le Freak, C'est Chic
Freak out!
Aaahh Freak out!
Le Freak, C'est Chic
Freak out!
Aaahh Freak out!
Le Freak, C'est Chic
Freak out!
Aaahh Freak out!
Le Freak, C'est Chic
Freak out!
many of us *do* recognize that we have hit gold
That's what some of the early '49ers thought, but it was only fool's gold
they also could either pick pick pick
I like watching monkeys do that to each other.
So they disappear rather than go on date 2
I bet this is kind of like dating David Copperfield
self-handicapping
works best when golfing with drunk partners
they do the damaging first
golden rule: do unto others BEFORE they do unto you!
Another way to look at it is as a test
I like tests, especially when they contain beakers and vials with things that like to explode!
So what do you think?
That there are many brands of decaffinated coffee on the market today that are just as tasty as the original
Pick this apart
Can I pick my nose instead ... seems like it might give me a whole lot more satisfaction
and if you hate thinking about stuff like this, please just don't bother to respond and tell me I"m stupid to *think*
And why would I say "Your too stupid to think." Looks to me like you are good at that stuff
and remember my education is in social psychology incl research in relationships...there *is* a reason I pick everything apart and try to form theories...I really can't help it
And my education is in Journalism, but I work as a graphic designer because I just want a job that allows me to screw around on the internet all day ... I really can't help it!
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 12:24:10 PM | | the bottom line is who cares why they disappear? they just do. obviously they weren't that into you, etc. or they would have stayed around. i don't go around wasting my energy anymore wondering what happened to them. who cares??? NEXT!!! | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 1:10:20 PM | lol Kaylie... That was fun.
I think that poor Mr. Happy and Ms. Friendly would eventually become Ms Hurt and Mr Cynical after long enough. :P
From my own experience, I think that my speech is much more of a detriment than any element of my personality when it comes to pursuing relationships but even still, I had no more success at it before I got sick.
I don't think that I either expect things to fail or self-sabotoge. And I rarely have the opportunity to get close enough to observe the people rejecting me to see if that is what happens in them. Then again, "Myself" has a lot of traits that women could choose to interprete as needy though so I guess I have fallen for that trap before if it was there.
But yes, your theory is valid I think. Certainly some people do self-sabotage and so should take more responsibility for their own outcomes instead of blaming other external forces... I wish that worked in my case :P | |
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Kra961
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 121 | |
| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 1:26:56 PM | Good post Kayli
I think you are very close to the truth as it's all to easy to throw up reason's why something won't work and relationships are no different in that regard. If we spent half as much time working on the reason to make in this case a relationship work as we do for giving ourselves reasons why it won't none of us would be here. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 1:33:53 PM | Ohhhh man have I EVER done this!!! I have been both the ms hurt, and on the recieving end of mr.cynical and it is a very hard thing to deal with!
Solutions? Geesh I wish, if we could find a solution there would be a lot of much happier people out there and adjustment to future dating endeavors might be a little easier on all of us. I wish I could say I have those solutions but I don't. I am presently trying to resolve my ms. hurt inside to keep myself from running away from my current bf. I am always analyzing and comparing him with my previous experiences and because he matches NOTHING that I am used to I struggle everyday with not running from him because I am not sure how in the heck to deal with someone who treats me good, doesn't lie to me and has no expectations beyond spending time with him and giving him the same respect he gives me. I find I am trapped in a cycle of constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and finding out this guy really is just the same as all the others. It is a terrible feeling and I find I am more bloody insecure now than when I was with the a$$holes I have dealt with in the past arrrrgggghhhh lol | |
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