Kra961
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 127 | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 1:43:16 PM | | I have often thought that people subconciously sabotaged relationships because they were afraid of being hurt. If they did whatever damage it took to break up the relationship, then they didn't risk being the one who got hurt. It's a way for them to take control of the breakup, instead of having it happen to them while they are helpless to stop it. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 2:12:22 PM | You know what Kaylie..I think that you are just "overthinking" the whole scenerio. I respect your educational background and your interest in developing theories regarding relationships...but sometimes you just gotta "keep it simple stupid".
I suppose there will always be those like yourself who feel the need to dissect and analyse every aspect of life while the rest of us clowns just jump in with wreckless abandon and live it.
I prefer the "School of Life", so hear is my theory on your subject:
(1) People go on sites such as this and start to chat, email, or talk on the phone to someone who has perked their interest.
(2) They have seen a picture(s) of this person, and find them attractive.
(3) After communicating with this person for abit and they learn more about them they now begin to form a mental image in their mind of how they percieve this person to be. (how they want them to be)
(4) They finally arrange to meet and when they do "REALITY" does not live up to their perceptions or expectations they had of that person.
(5) End of date. End of story.  | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 2:23:35 PM | | Wow, you really hit the nail on the head for me. I will admit I'm Miss Hurt and the last one I dated after I thought everything was going well sabotaged everything. Mr. Cynical/Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, always looking for the next best thing when it's standing right there in front of him. His loss. He wasn't all that to begin with. Truth hurts, eh dude? I'm not perfect but am working on making myself a better person each and every day. Anyways, about a solution, well, I don't have one at this point but to pick myself up, dust myself off and try yet again, after having changed my game plan, thx to some great advice from a friend. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 2:32:25 PM | | Thanks Kra!!! I am blown away by the fact that some days it seems like it would be easier to just end it than to always deal with the stress of having such a "good thing"!!! What is up with us silly humans? I keep holding on though and hope I can quiet ms, hurt enough to give this an honest go! | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 2:40:03 PM | how about the simple version.......
people basically don't really know what they want.
the whole dating scene oozes......"maybe, kinda and sorta"
I also believe people get caught up in the whole meeting someone "excitement", and bail fast after the fact. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 3:16:02 PM | I think this is exactly what happens.
What is funny, is I felt the way Ms. Hurt did for a long time, then I met this great "Happy Guy". It opened my eyes to a new reality, I had changed, so the people I met were new types of people. It felt really good.
Ok this is the funny part.
Mr. Happy Guy, ends up just disappearing after skipping out on the first webcam encounter, just saying oh hey, good news my cell phone came in I just need to pick it up.- and that was it. May until like 2 weeks ago. We chatted every day, sometimes all day long. He spoke of future plans with me amongst many other things, and I really thought I knew this guy. C'est la Vie. But I know some good guys, so just be wary, don't give up.
Sometimes I still wonder where the hell he had to go to pick up that cell phone. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 3:34:44 PM |
Maybe he got in a car crash and is in the hospital, or the morgue!
You know baldy, I really have considered that. Even been checking the paper. Even emailed him to say let me know you are ok.
And I hope he is.
However we had this long discussion one day and that popped up. That is partially why he was getting the cell phone. I had told him about a near miss car accident, and how I had thought afterwards that if something would have happened to me, he might think I had just blown him off , and he answered, yeah I have thought about that too.
would be ironic, but I more than likely had just been played. I don't know how that can be enjoyable for someone to lead another to believe they are working to a future long-term relationship, and just disappear....Thankfully- I don't want to know.
Too bad tho, thought he could have been "the one" ... | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 6:52:34 PM |
So what do you think? Does anyone resemble themself in what I wrote? Have any of you been 1 of the 4 people I just described??? I don't resemble any of the 4 people but it's a very well thought out post and does make sense. I've never had a great date yet so I don't know what I'd do.
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 7:48:25 PM | | This is a fascinating theory and I suspect there's a lot of truth in it. I recently met someone. We both thought we could be compatible - similar interests, personality. The meeting was OK, but not sparkling. Neither of us felt greatly inspired, but appeared to think the other was pleasant enough. We went our separate ways. He didn't contact me at all subsequently, not a word, text or email. I had got the impression he was a very polite person from his original messages and when I met him, so this seemed very surprising. He had commented at one point that he'd met quite a few women, which I took note of. Now I can see why, if he never followed up. I messaged him to say thanks, but we weren't compatible, still no response. A few days later, I sent an 'I'm surprised and disappointed that you didn't have the courage to at least write' message. I then left it at that. Eventually, a week later he replied, pleasantly, saying he'd been 'busy' and agreed with me on the verdict. Wished me well, etc. Well, what a dork! It's odd that an intelligent man should behave like that, but your theory sort of fits. I obviously wasn't his first meeting and no doubt won't be his last. I just feel sorry for any subsequent women who don't know what he's like. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/8/2008 10:52:34 PM | | It is the best theory I have heard of thus far. It makes you look back at past encounters and wonder what they were thinking or not thinking. I could think of a recent guy I talked to (not from here) and still wants to talk, but when I asked him why he chickened out on meeting, he dissapeared again..... | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/9/2008 2:53:29 AM |
(OP) I have a new (to me) theory to try to explain why so many people here talk of having great first date/meets or even first months, just to have their date disappear on them...ditch them for no apparent reason when things seemed great.
I think the warning sign is when people say they want to go slow. When someone is "into you" they can't go fast enough. That doesn't mean selling the farm  but it does mean seeing each other and learning about each other as soon as possible. It means spending every free moment with the person because you want to.
The chemistry has to be there. The "I want you!" feeling has to be overpowering. If it isn't and that's fairly obvious by a person's actions that's when we hear about folks disappearing. They just aren't "into you". | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/9/2008 3:34:04 AM |
Meet Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt. Mr. Cynical has had a lot of bad experiences. He's met the gold digger. He's met the woman who needed a daddy for her kids....
Ms. Hurt, on the other hand, has given her heart away one too many times. And every time it got broken. The men seem to just be players, only wanting her for sex, and then they are done with her....
Hmmmm...have any of you ever met these people? Do they, perhaps, resemble YOU???
yes, the world is *full* of dysfunctional people and the walking wounded. no surprise there. unfortunately, they seem to have a really uncanny way of finding each other to perpetuate the psychodrama and misery.
no, thanks, none of these people resemble me.
as soon as you're willing to recognize that in any relationship one of the people involved is always YOU, maybe then you can figure out that you're probably at least 50% responsible for what you experience in that relationship. this is *especially* true, BTW, if you can actually identify a pattern. that pretty much narrows it down to two choices: (1) stop being dysfunctional; or (2) stop being a victim. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/10/2008 10:43:59 AM | Thanks so much guys for posting this...I just went thru it this week actually and your responses are really helping me get thru it.
Met a woman on POF that I really liked about 2 weeks ago and who really seemed to like me in return. We started messaging back and forth, then emailing and AIMing and finally talking on the phone and it was magical. We were totally comfortable with each other. We start texting each other little "<3" messages at work, and posting song lyrics and writing poems and all the sappy stuff. We are fawning all over each other and can't wait to meet. We became fast Facebook and Myspace friends and before I know it,w e have a first date set up. We go out (Iplanned the entire evening) and everything's perfect, but i'm a bit nervous due to what i call "first meeting anxiety" so I can't bring myself to tell her how attracted I feel. Then after a very long night, i go back to her place, we start talking, then cuddling, then kissing, then humping and ...well, you get the idea. One thing led to another and we end up sleeping together.
Then last week where we were talking constantly before, she suddenly falls silent. Won't return my calls or text messages except with one-word responses like 'i'm busy.' When we talk on AIM she seems either distracted or just not interested anymore.
Then just 2 days ago, I go to this party she invited me to after our little date, despite the fact that she has been distant all week...claiming to be 'busy' which i can understand since she just got a new apartment. And i figured maybe she just needed some space and time to think about it. So i go to this party on Fri. because she didn't tell me not to, and i figure then at the very least i'll know what's up. So i get there and her place is packed full of people, all college friends. Alot of her exes are there and gay guys too, which made it kind of wierd. So anyway i stay for a couple hours and try to be friendly and talk to her, but she sort of ignores me. Alright whatever, gotta play hostess and all. So i just drink up a bit and try to relax.
Then later this guy shows up who is another ex, and obviously she still likes him. Now the awkwardness is unbearable. I wanna turn invisible all of the sudden. Then this guy, noticing me, introduces himself and takes me outside for a 'talk'. I go out back, he tells me that he's known her for 8 years and they are getting back together tomorrow, and are engaged from the sound of it. He apologizes and says she was really uncomfortable with me there and didnt want to 'hurt my feelings'. I act all cool, say 'whatever, big deal, ive only known her for 2 weeks and you clearly have the advantage over me. Congrats and have a nice life i guess.' Then without going back in or saying goodbye to her, i just put on my game face, calmly walk to my car, get in and drive home. At 85mph at 3am, slightly intoxicated and BP and pulse skyrocketing, music blasting and trying desperately not to freak out. I was past the point of caring and totally numb, and furious. Sure i can understand if this guy perhaps deserves her better than me and i wish no harm on him, but why couldn't she have just been honest and saved the trouble? I'm all about trust and respect, and keeping something like that from your date in my book is a severe violation of trust.
Even if she calls me up in a week or a month or a year, saying this guy is a creepy stalker and she wants me back, I would refuse. Simply because she lied to me about everything. Now maybe she was just being nice and not trying to hurt me, but in my book, being lied to is worse. Not only do I feel used, manipulated, disposable and thrown away, but I also now feel stupid. Perhaps it was my fault for going into it with such high expectations, but having never dated before and only been in one 2-year abusive relationship mainly for the sex and experiencing several other one-night stand 'abortions', it doesn't help my self-esteem much. I just keep telling myself not to let this bring me down. She wasnt right for me anyway. I can't let her 'break' me if shes the type that likes to see other guys get broken, which from the sound of it she does. I refuse to break, as if i even had anything left in me to break.
Needless to say, I never want to speak to or see this person again. Not too harsh is it?
Still speculating on the reason. Perhaps she was afraid of commitment, but trying to act tough by putting up the 'heartbreaker' facade...or maybe she really is the vengeful type...or maybe she was too nice to tell me what a failure i was. Or maybe she just wanted sex. or maybe it was a combination of all those things. What do you guys (and girls) think? | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/10/2008 12:09:02 PM | | Gosh. Didn't read it all ....... or any of the replies. You certainly seem to be 'hung-up' on this issue .......... and maybe that is your answer ....... that you are 'too focussed' on meeting 'the one'. It takes 'time' for a relationship to develop/flourish and if it doesn't in the way you wanted/had expected - well at least let's remain 'friends' ........ 'friends' is where any 'deeper relationship' should start. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:33:35 AM | susie,
Some people blame everyone else for their issues and some people over analyze. It doesn't mean they are 'hung-up' on this issue or that. I think it actually takes a lot of self reflection to analyze in that way. That is what is healthy. Being able to look in the mirror and say "Hey! It's not them..it's me that needs to change!" | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/11/2008 9:52:06 AM | This is the first time I've gone into forums!
I am not one of the 4 people - I just seem to be one the people that this same thing keeps happening to and it made me feel "normal" that it has happened to so many others because I was really starting to wonder what I was doing wrong.
I like your evaluation of it and it makes my mind rest easier to look at it in that light. | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/11/2008 11:37:28 AM | Long, long time ago, for a period of a couple of years, I had a *lot* of suicide attempters in my life. I was being called to come over, and rescue them. And I went. Or brought them home. They were in need, right? I even had one friend cut her wrists and my six year old son walked in on it. At some point I snapped, and said to myself: "Enough, dammit." Have never had another one.
Point is: I think we signal to the Universe what we're willing to put up with. When we're no longer willing, it stops occurring.
Ya. I know this theory wouldn't make it in a psych or soc class. But it sure works for me.
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:43:16 PM | | In my opinion, I think people just get stuck. They have become used to how they live and their routine. The better the date the more likely we are afraid of whether or not we want to pursue a relationship. An ok date, or one night stand does not pose the same threat to our independence or the chance or being hurt or rejected but it can help with the loneliness that we all feel from time to time. We all seem to live by the same motto, "better to be safe than sorry." | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/11/2008 1:38:54 PM | I was Ms. Optimistic and I dated Mr. Charming who was really Mr. Cynical by way of Mr. Hurt. Fortunately those who do the disappearing act do so relatively soon in the relationship because they realize they are really Mr. Not Ready to Date Yet. They know they've now created Ms. Hurt but they are too emotionally crippled to care.
I think alot of single women have been really hurt and tend to become pessimistic. On the other hand I think men have a picture in their head of the 'perfect woman', and don't spend enough time to get to know her and get past the picture. Throw in there bad timing, or personal issues, and you have alot of trial and error. I think the important thing is to know what you are and are not ready for, and if you are on this site, be damn sure you are ready to have a relationship with someone in a mature, non-hurtful way. People just don't know what they want 80% of the time. ESPECIALLY after a break-up. I think people should be more 'rebound beware', otherwise you just get sucked into someone elses nightmare. Thank you! I certainly could not compete with the chip on the shoulder of Mr. Not Ready to Date Yet. Now I am Ms. Cautiously Optimistic.
There are a couple of ideas I subscribe to in my life, not just my dating life. One is "Take advantage of the good things that are given to you." because you just never know how much time you have with those you love. The other is to leave the hearts and lives of the people you date in better shape than when you met them. (thank you Greg Berendt). | |
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| My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 8/11/2008 1:55:34 PM | Mr. Not Ready for Love after dating for months is a face I know well on here...Mr. Disappear and Ms. Holding On to a Dream...so hard to know who is in tune with themselves when they don't even know themselves. Watch out for your heart, turn your bounce-back button on HIGH...still, how can you experience the real deal if you even never try, right? Yes, I am Ms. Optimistic...possibly self-saboteur, at a very hard time right now missing my someone special of the past few months. I think he's actually Mr. Houdini/ | |
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