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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:11:44 AM |
There is a huge difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend vs. husband/wife. I just find it shocking how many people think it is ok that this male threw his family out the door because she could not have children
truly this lady hasnt understood the notion of what was implyed.
If a woman is not interested in the new step fathers role and completly stops the man from having any say then the relationship is a dictatorship.
He wasnt a boyfriend and as such should have been given a little more thought to instead of being shut down each time.
Leaving her was the best thing he could have done staying with her would have only ended with more hurt.
Now the the op your feeling guilty this will not help your future relations so give it some time and move onwards.
OP, I really can't say much to you, as I can not wish you good luck after the shameful way you threw your wife to the curb. I'll just say in life you reap what you sow. So it doesn't look too good for your future!!!
... tell that to a farmer after a storm has just knocked out all his crops .
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:11:15 PM | scottyMc a farmer whose crops have been lost because of a storm, has done no wrong. A male that throws his wife out because she can't or won't have children, I really can't express what I think of that. Actually I can, I just shouldn't!!!
As I said in another post, I would love to see him one day marry another woman that he loved more than life itself, a woman that wants children, only to have something happen where he can't have children. Then she leaves him, and at about the same time, he finds out that his x wife(the one he throw out like she was yesterday's garbage) has married again to a man that truly loves her and that they are very happy. That would be fair!!! | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:20:25 AM | hi, i am glad i have none, i have been married just over 8 years and did not have any kids as my now ex wife had 2 from another relationship, that as now put me off wanting any kids as we got divorced over 28 months ago and i would of had to fight to see my kids. plus with the way the world is today and how it is going i am glad cause i could not afford to bring kids up, so to top it all off i am GLAD have got no children. | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:49:22 AM | Interesting how the ex-wife' shortcomings get conveniently ignored. He said that she would not let him be a real "father" to her children. Don't you think that *may* have contributed to them growing apart? I'll bet it at least contributed to his wanting children of how own. My only criticism of him is that he should've found out early in the relationship what role he'd be able to play with her children once married. His assumption that he would be a "real dad" with her blessing was perhaps the biggest mistake of his marriage. (Live and learn). I bet next relationship he'll have all that ironed out all up front and will know exactly what hes getting in to. However, I don't blame him one bit for leaving her. Think about it, he really didnt get much out of that relationship...no kids of his own, but she would not allow him even a decent step parent realtionship ....just an outsider looking in. She brought a family to him but didn't let him be a part of it. (except where maybe his paycheck was concerened).
She only offered herself and nothing more. Talk about misrepresentation...! | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:46:01 AM | i might get to 50 and have no children for fear of a woman taking me to the cleaners OR as in a break-up i had when i could have been married a decade earlier, feared the woman would be berating me about how i'd care for the child.
if i'm gonna have a kid, the woman will stay home and care for him/her for the first 2 years. i'll be home as well. if she wants a part-time job later, i say go for it and i'll be home as my projects are done at home...however, if she's a feminist and wants to bark at everything i do, she'll have to remain home. there'd be no money issue abotu not working unless she can't spend money well and that's the other thing that i have to be wary of when finding a mate.
this life is largely a joke... lol...but i do foresee a postiive change soon. | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:22:51 PM | | I am over 30 and have no children and plan to keep it that way. I like kids but I am seldom around them so its hard for me to relate to them. Also children is a major responsibility. Right now where I am at with my life, with my job and going back to school, that takes up a good portion of my time. Also I like it where when I have time and funds avaliable I can go out to dinner with friends or get together with them and have good times. Its hard to do that with children. Thats just my take. | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:46:52 PM | | Men can have children until the day they die, women however run on a clock. I personally wouldn't be having a baby past the age of 35 due to higher risks of down syndrom and such. Actually, I already have 1 child, and I would like 1 more and possibly before I am even 30. I want my kids to be indepent when I hit 50 so I can enjoy life in ways of travelling and such. While as some tend to party etc. while in their 20's and have kids later, I just want to work the other way. | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:02:33 AM | | I think everyone is forgetting one simple fact, you are not in control. Have you ever heard the saying," If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans."? | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:31:59 PM | Never doubt your decision. As they say hindsight is 20/20...10 years and growth, things change. Stop beating yourself up over this as it wont change a thing.
Your entitled to change your mind, your views, your emotions...it sucks but that is part of being a human being.
You have to forgive yourself and ask...was that the only reason the marriage ended? | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:20:00 PM |
Interesting how the ex-wife' shortcomings get conveniently ignored. He said that she would not let him be a real "father" to her children. Don't you think that *may* have contributed to them growing apart? I'll bet it at least contributed to his wanting children of how own. My only criticism of him is that he should've found out early in the relationship what role he'd be able to play with her children once married. His assumption that he would be a "real dad" with her blessing was perhaps the biggest mistake of his marriage. (Live and learn). I bet next relationship he'll have all that ironed out all up front and will know exactly what hes getting in to. However, I don't blame him one bit for leaving her. Think about it, he really didnt get much out of that relationship...no kids of his own, but she would not allow him even a decent step parent realtionship ....just an outsider looking in. She brought a family to him but didn't let him be a part of it. (except where maybe his paycheck was concerened).
She only offered herself and nothing more. Talk about misrepresentation...!
In the first place this was a marriage, not just a relationship.
He knew up front she could't have kids.
Heaven forbid maybe she married him because she loved him, not because she was looking for a father for her children.
Seems to me that him and her were a family. Every husband and wife are a family, with or without children.
Seems to me he didn't want a family just wanted a woman to breed with.
She only offered herself and nothing more? That is what you are meant to bring to a marriage. If the man I loved brought that to a marriage, I would be happy beyond words. I would not expect anything else. | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:01:10 AM | I've not read all the posts, however based on the bit i've read here is my opinion...
OP: you need to do some soul searching and identify if YOU really want children because you want to be a FATHER; tend to them when they are up all night vomiting, take the time to teach them morals and values, play with them at the park, discipline them when their acting up, able and willing to face embarrassment when/if they have tantrums in public, love them unconditionally no matter how unruly they may be, tell them you always love them although you dislike their behavior and times. Children are not something one should have just to carry on a name, get married, or stay married. Again, IMO, you need to search deep and determine if you truly want children and are willing to be there for them no matter what...once you have them you can't return them, or give them away because they do something you don't like.
The other piece of this equation is she was upfront with you from the beginning about this topic, its unfortunate you had a change of heart but things happen. I presume if the other aspects of your marriage were working that you'd still be together.
Regarding co-parenting, its TOUGH!! Blended families, as wonderful as they can be, are HARD work! I married my ex and he had a 4 yr old daughter. When we got married she asked "are you gonna be the evil stepmom like in cinderella?" LOL Out of the mouth of babes. She and i had and still do to this day have a WONDERFUL relationship. As a 'STEP' (i prefer BONUSparent) parent you need to allow the biological parent to make the harsh discipline decisions etc. Having said that, you need to be able to communicate with each other and support/respect each others decisions on what is right for the child(ren). Your role as a BONUS parent are to be a great role model, friend, coach, and mentor for the child(ren). You are NOT their parent, but you ARE a great support of their biological parent and there to be a POSITIVE role model for the kid(s). Before entering into a relationship/marriage with a person that has children the two of you should discuss parenting styles to insure you're on the same page, this will make things much smoother in the long run.
You are currently hurting and having a 'buyers remorse' of sorts. YOU asked to end the marriage and yet you are grieving the loss and confused as to how she has moved on whilst your still sorta stuck. I commend you for being in touch with what is going on and doing a self examination of sorts. Once you truly get over the termination of your marriage, and determine what it is YOU truly want and need out of life things will get better. You're still young enough to have children if that is the answer you come up with. Just make sure you have those open conversations with your potential SO before you marry again. Also, make sure you have clearly defined what are deal breakers for you before you enter into another relationship in order to avoid the feelings of hurt both by yourself and inflicting those feelings on others.
As always, just my opinions and good luck!! | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:43:41 AM | I know some people who have adopted, and I think in the back of everyone's mind, but especially the man's, there is a concern about what you mention at first....but, especially if you adopt one early, YOU are there for the middle of the night thing, YOU are there to get puked on, peed on, and scratched, YOU are there to watch the first steps, kiss the first boo-boo, and hear the first words, and YOU are the father, period. There are also open adoptions, and you could concievably be present at the birth inthat instance.
I think your first priority should be getting comfortable with yourself, then you should focus on finding a woman who rocks your world, and then, figure it out about the kids. People whose sole guiding principle is ahving a baby rarely turn out to be adequate parents, in my opinion. (too over-protective, too much their friend, not parent enough,e tc, etc) | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:27:54 PM | Well I think everyone here just about is focusing on the fact that he ended the marage because he wanted a child, one real big thing your missing here, is marage is a two way street…..
He states this::::: failed to mention that we also were fighting on a regular basis, mainly about her kids. She has 3 from a previous relationship and one of the main tensions we had was her not letting me discipline kids. I mean if she wanted me to be her children's step father, I could not be a partial step father, it was all the way or not at all. She also would undermine my authority by not punishing the kids for things I felt they needed to be punished for. It was a major source of tension to me and for whatever reason, she said she would never change and that was that.
NOW the way I see it, this is more why he ended it as anyone would in there right mind,, it’s DOA on that alone…………………….trust me I have been there my self and tried for many years to over look it… did it work, NO, why, it’s not a two way street and your only staying hoping things will change.. so stop focusing one the one thing of a person changing his or her mind.
I have one son fro my first mirage back in 1983 and remarried again in 1998 to a gal that said she did not want any children, I also told her I want to develop and live on my country property, and if that is what she wanted then we would get married, as I also said, before we married, I don’t want you coming back in 3 to 5 years saying you want to move to town.
Well 6 months after we got married she said she did not know if she wanted any children, I told her, please make up your mind before I turn 40, well one year later she started bugging to move to town. I would not here of that one, after all I made that very clear before we married.
Well in summer of 2006 she started running around, yes I have lots of proof, she started moving stuff out of the house behind my back thinking I would not notice, hum thinks I’m dumb. One morning in November she was heading out the door at a time I could never get her to get up to do anything at all, was very unlike her. I told her not to bother coming back, she replied what your sick of me, I said no not at all but do you really think I don’t know what your doing? To make a long story short.
She left and has never returned, one day she said to me, if I did not tell her the if she did not decide to have a child before I turned 40 it would be to late, we would still be together. I said this is the first I heard, she said I know but it was to late to say anything because I was past 40, I said you could not talk to me? She said why it was to late. So a 9 year marriage and family was down the drain, She is Catholic and to date she site in that Catholic, and as you may or may not know, c Catholic church is staunchly opposed to divorce.
Hypocrite just as I feel she was in our mirage. A child was never out of question in my mind, making her happy was.
That’s my two cents, best to ya | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:44:46 AM | Clay brother, don’t get down on yourself and don’t question your heart. Some guys never want kids and never have doubts; you are clearly not one of those guys. At 38 you are still young to be having kids and because of your age you will be poised to be a better father than guys who have kids in the early ‘20s. You are not selfish at all, I feel you did the right thing better to find out now than to come to the realization at 48 or 50 years old. Use POF to find someone that absolutely wants to have kids and you’ll find what you are looking for in life. God bless.
Follow your heart, for a heart is by its very nature is selfish, it has to be in order to keep you alive. - RAMoreno | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:20:25 AM | ...want to keep the family name going.
Um...that's not a reason to have a child. My (ex)husband's family pressured me to have kids to "keep the name going". First, there were others with the same last name in the extended family with the same last name having kids. Second, what is so special about your last name...or anyones?
*edit* - read OP's response that this is not the only reason for wanting kids - that's a good thing. :) I love kids, - other people's. It's the best place to be in, you get to have fun and play with them, and when they get cranky, you pass them back to mom or dad. Good times! | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:48:24 AM |
Um...that's not a reason to have a child. My (ex)husband's family pressured me to have kids to "keep the name going".
You're kidding? Man, thats messed up.
Mom keps busting my balls to have a kid just so she can have someone else to shop for since she already has everything. Don't know my dad so I'm sure he could give a sxit.
I keep telling her to pick someone out that wants to get pregnant and I'll get right on it.
Needless to say that comment meets with little fanfare.  | |
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| Men in their 30's with no children
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:02:12 AM | bcsofnc57
Did you read all of his posts? She really wasn't ALLOWING him to be a father. What is the point of staying in a family where you're not entirely treated as such? You're here, you pay the bills and we work together as a family UNTIL I disagree with you and since they are my kids, I get the final say. If you're married to someone and you take on that role of father figure/mother figure then the birth parent has to allow you to parent also. It's not like he was just shacked up with her and he's the BOYFRIEND and you can pull the "They're my kids card". They made a decision to unite as a family and she was not entirely allowing him in.
I mean had he left strictly for the reason of wanting kids, that is one thing, but that is how he opened this up and not the whole story. | |
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