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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:15:17 PM | I disagree with the idea you necessarily need counseling because you don't want to have sex with someone you don't love. I think you state very clearly that you no longer want to accept sex in the absence of love, and that is an emotionally healthy attitude. The issue is that you are wanting to 1) stay married to a man you don't love; and 2) expect him to become celibate just because you have decided to.
Either leave him completely or stay with him in an open relationship. Either way, you need to accept that though there is no reason you ever need to have sex with him again, there is also no reason he should never have sex with anyone again just because you don't want him.
I'm guessing you've got some resentment about him marrying you when you were so young and you are taking that out on him by making these utterly unreasonable demands. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:20:56 PM | | If he would only treat her with love and not some sex object, it could be different. Like I said, alot has a play in it as to why she feels this way. From having chronic pain, depression, and a hysterectomy, plus whatever he is going through. Which he would never admit to. He won't talk about it. He thinks there is nothing wrong. He could be going through something such as menopause, as to what some gentleman suggested. He is in denial about alot of things. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 2:20:25 PM | it might be his way of loving you.
it really does sound like you really need some help - first from your doctor to help get to the root of your physical pain - chronic pain can be unbearable and of course you won't want sex if it hurts you more.
and as others have said, please get some emotional counselling for yourself also. you have many issues that you need to look at, whether your husband wants to or not - his issues are his responsibility, and yours are your responsibility.
please seek professional help, physically and emotionally. being seen as only a sex object and living and sleeping with a man for 15 years that you don't think you love really are major issues, out side of the physical ones.
and depression will affect all your beliefs, feelings, ideas, perspective.
there is help for you that really could change your whole life from the inside out first. please try. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 2:40:29 PM | Thank you WeAre1
You all please be patient with me. This is my first time posting a serious thread and I am still trying to work out all the kinks on how to post and reply. I'm not trying to offend or insult others or step on anyones shoes and I don't want to make anyone mad. At least try not to.
Not married. Just living together. He does say he loves but he has a strange way of showing it. His actions tell otherwise. You are correct, chronic pain is unbearable and have seen many doctors about it. Nothing they can do for it. Have to deal with it and take pain pills. The chronic pain comes from having 4 kids, and 6 surgeries. Will try to do all that you have suggested. Still looking into options on everything concerning self, letting him worry about his self. Talked till blue in the face about his issues. Thanks again
And everyone else, thank you also. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:47:07 PM | | He needs to go out and find what his spouse in not wanting to give. If he feels like he is not desired sexually then I am sure it is a strain. Short term it is understandable. But if a woman no longer wants to full fill her partners sexual needs then she should expect and welcome him to go elsewhere to do so. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:56:29 PM | if the relatinship came about and stuck this long because of the good sex that was being had, then we know it's not the quality of the sex, or the desirability of the partner, that has disappeared. if the intimacy was that good, why not want to have it back?
there is something missing in this equation. how do you go from hot hot hot to cold cold cold (or indifferent?) of course he can't understand as he isn't in her shoes and as far as he knows, she loved it before, so what happened? is it purely about pain management?
They don't want others yet they want to be together and the man will inevitably be missing a vital part of their relationship together. there needs to be some compromise on both parts.
good luck. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:13:32 PM | | i;d ask your friend how life is in genral , are her goals and wants on track . if sex was reason for relationship in the beginning then it would have run out years back , 3 years on average is its limit . because the passinoin in her life has gone and a despration has seemed to replaced it . i;d try a seperation and taste life . maybe find a reason to have excitment again , through arts or sport . even work for some , good luck | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:15:49 PM | My neighbors daughter has CF.......I have know her for over 30yrs.. They gave her till late teens to live when she was born. Her parents "immediately" put that out of their mind, as none of us know how long we have on this earth. She graduated HS and went on to college and is now a teacher living out of her parents home with her finance. While they loved her growing up and never hesitiated to discuss her illness, they raised her to be self sufficient and on her own when the time came.
Has it been easy..........of course not...........anyone that knows CF deals with the crisis of the hospital stays. My point is this child may or may not grow up. My child did not have a major illness but was killed at 16. We dont know what the future holds. Do you think that as parents you would be any less involved with this child if you were not living together as a couple? Your putting your life on hold and using this child as an excuse. Love doesnt go away just because parents are in separate homes..........who knows ,if you are both happy it may be a much better inviornment for the children. JMHO | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:22:01 PM | | you need to break it off. i was in a relationship like (we cared for one another, but he just didn't do it for me anymore) and we both became miserable and resentful towards eachother and it escalated to near violence when we argued. it isn't fair for him to have you so near and not be able to satisfy his basic needs...he'll eventually go elsewhere whether you are aware of it or not. you grew apart and you need to find what makes you happy before you can continue in any relationship, this one included. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:26:41 PM | This is why I say to my friends dont get involved with sex first in a relationship, wait and get the relationship! Why an earth a relatiionship based on sex has produced children is beyond me. I can see why it has but no where in this post is love mentioned, companionship etc.
I actually agree with someone who said the woman is selfish. He has his needs. Hes used to sex and to stop it now aint right. If theres only sex in a relationship when its gone there is nothin.
Shes hiding behind the children and that in itself is stupidity. Two people are miserable. They need counciling and she needs a dr and if shes not willing to do that then its goin to end anyway. He will stray or look for companisionship somewhere else. You cant cut someone off at the mains if thats all the relatioship had to it, sex I mean! | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:35:13 PM | Maybe production of the children were not planned, accidental, carelessness perhaps on both parties. You are right, no mention of love or companionship because it does not exist between the two. She is not the only one that is being selfish, he is too by not understanding her delimma. Yes it is not right to stop having the sex all of a sudden, but it cannot be helped because of a circumstances called chronic pain. Have you ever had chronic pain? If you have then you know what it is all about. It's not like she just said "I don't want to have sex with you any more." She stopped for health reasons. After having an hysterectomy, it takes awhile to get used to the idea of not having female parts, hormones and such. He is also hiding behind the children to keep the relationship going. Neither one wants to end it. Both parties want to stay together and neither one wants to stray.
Maybe looking further away to a larger city for a doctor might could help on the chronic pain/hysterectomy situation. Meanwhile look for someone to help with the emotional and phyiscal problems. At least get herself straightened out. As he gets older, maybe he realize his problems and seek help, because he won't remain the same forever. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:49:36 PM | | I'm sorry your child died at 16. You are right, you don't have to have some disease or whatever to die at any age. He would be less involved because he would not be there 24/7 like she would be. He would be missing out on alot. Life has been and will continue to be put on hold for everyone involved until the child is of age to take care of herself, no matter if the parents are together or not. She still needs to be taking care of. A child's needs should be put before a parents needs. Especially one that is disabled. The support of the significant other is very important in which both parents contribute to. Separating will lack the others support. This is based on facts. They have lived apart before and it did not workout. They needed each other, especially where the children were concerned. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:00:04 PM |
Yes physical and emotional play a role in it as well as having a hysterectomy. Yes there is more to the relationship and it is the children. You are right, it needs to be settled out between the two, but it is hard to when the other will not work with you.
Exactly who is not working with WHO? You are the one who doesn't want any medication to increase drive...if you have health concerns regarding meds then that's something different...but to just say no means you aren't doing what you can.
My ex-husband had hormone problems and refused to get help - "because he didn't want sex"....well, lack of desire is one thing that hormones can help - lack of desire is not a reason to say it's not your problem. In a marriage, you do things for your spouse as well as for yourself...because it benefits the marriage and ultimately your children. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:03:27 PM | | At times, relationships are just that way (all of them). When you love someone you just get get through the rough patches. Without the tough times the good times wouldnt seem so good. Life is about sop much more than what I might want at any particular time. Have a little patience and things will turn around soon. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 7:36:05 PM | "the way he has acted over the years"
This is like dumping the reasons for the dysfunction on him.. and a little unfair.
If "she" has chronic pain etc. that needs to be dealt with.. whatever medications she is taking, could well be responsible for the lack of libido.
This has to be all discussed with your current medical people.. .. I dont think sexual interest in one another would just fade.. He was your age when you got together.. and YOU are a 32 yr old, just about at your prime sexually.
Is it that she now wants a young man, and this is her whiney way of getting out of the current relationship, coz you sure are changing the relationship.
Sorry about the change in persons.. I am guessing that innocentmary is who we are discussing.
Get together with a counsellor.. have your says.. no distractions.. it has to be all tabled, with no emotional blackmail..
No man would want to have sex with a women who doesnt like sex, or want it with him..
You put him in a bad bad place..
There are way too many couples, that for one reason or another dont have sex, it really really puzzles me.. they stay together for financial reason, just waiting for the other partner to die.
Katie  | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:19:36 PM | innocentmary - I read most of your posts, and I personally would suggest becoming roomies - or equivalent thereof. Both parties seem to recognize that the "marriage" is not working.... and are both being responsible towards the children. Although it is not what I would do in the same situation, it is what seems to have been mutually decided upon - to stay together because of the one child being disabled. So, his physical needs are not being satisfied, and there seems to be no sexual desire on her part, for medical reasons - which I totally understand. So, why not agree to be "room mates"... where both parties can DISCREETLY go outside of the marriage, until such time as the kids are old enough, and then move on. Do I agree with affairs in general?.... Do I agree with "staying together for the kids" even if one of the children is disabled?..... NO... but I have never been in this situation either.... raising a disabled child, in a loveless marriage, with chronic pain myself.... it is a no win situation no matter how you look at it.
The other alternative is to truly separate, but come to some sort of mutually agreeable arrangement where you each have access to the kids, but also live separate lives, in separate homes. I have a very close friend whose son has cystic fybrosis who did this.... the children remained in the house, with the father, as he was retired, (yes, also a big age difference) and she came over every evening for however many hours she could, she had full access to the home, but she also had a life of her own. They worked out a schedule, that worked for all parties, it was a very amicable split, and ALL parties - INCLUDING the children, were much happier in the long run. However, I realize that an amicable split is not always an option, as sometimes the personalities involved just no longer allow for a "mutually agreeable arrangement" such as this, as there is just is no level of cooperation on one side or the other. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:25:28 PM | | I think those things are more mental then they are of the outside world and it situations.....I believe that a couple should work on the spark and the mood making skills if one partner starts to slide.....Sounds like someone getting lazy and don't know how to get the fires burning prior too....And if its in the looks or 100% not interested the kids ganna know you not happy and stick together....Kids are not dumb and its just as hard on kids staying together as it is if both were happy...sorry so harsh but is true | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:31:13 AM | If you tried separation and it didn't work because you need each other, (not to mention the children) then - perhaps you can both agree to at least comfort each other.
There are ways of being physical and loving that don't necessarily involve sexual intercourse.
Is it possible to call a truce and to really look at each other?? Hug each other, and comfort and support each other? Hold each other? Kiss each other?
You know what I mean?
Sometimes it's difficult to let ourselves be loved. | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/10/2008 1:45:15 AM |
They didn't get together because of love, but because they desired to be together mainly just for sex.
I would say this is the reason for a lot of their problems if they are with someone for sex and not for love.
Two children were produced.
If someone wants to be with someone for sex and not for love then that is their choice to do so as it is their life to live but why have kids and bring kids into a home where the parents do not love each other and are in a relationship just for sex? I do not mean to be rude but kids have it hard enough that they should not be brought into the world if the conditions are not right.
The last several years, she no longer wants to have sex with him or anyone else. The desire is just gone.
Maybe she realizes that she wants love and wants more from a man and a relationship? Maybe she is depressed. There could be a lot of reasons why she no longer wants to have sex but if it is a problem for her then she should have it looked into.
She does not want to leave for the sake of the children and he doesn't either
This is what I mean. Even couple who want to be together and who love each other seperate or if married divorce. Relationships are not guaranteed to last. So if one is having children they should be in a loving relationship and the kids should be wanted. Plus, kids are smart and they do pick up on things so sticking around for the sake of the kids often hurts them the most. Kids have it hard and parents seperating/divorcing is hard on them so parents need to make sure that they have a solid foundation to work upon before kids enter the picture.
She does not want any medication to help the desire. She does not want him to seek others for sex and he doesn't either.
Cheating is wrong and I do not condone it but sex is a needed part of a healthy relationship. If she does not want to have sex with him and he cannot live without sex then it is necessary that they either work on this or part ways.
~Carrie | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:01:01 AM | sorry.. what i am saying more and more.. but it makes sense...
seek professional relationship counselling... to better understand each others needs..
it may very lightly be that the man very much loves the woman at all levels and in order to express all of that, like most men, would most like to in a physical way.. while the woman is only aware that he is pestering for sex... so they end up on different planets but under the same roof.
very sad maybe... | |
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| What do you do when you know longer have the desire to have sex with your partner?
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:14:05 AM | if neither one loves the other than leaving each other wouldn't be such a big deal and they could work out the logistics regarding the kids, however the OP said that neither one wanted to leave, so there must be some level of caring for the other. Love sometimes is lurking under the pain and I am sure it is here, somewhere, in some form or another.
and just because a man wants to have sex, doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or wants objectify you by wanting sex. sex is part of love, the act itself manifestation of feelings. I highly doubt if there was no love whatsoever they would have stayed together that long.
it's not time to dump the relationship. it's time to be honest and work on it. | |
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