| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:41:02 AM | I have to say i am really surprised at how insecure people are when reading these posts.
When i arrange to meet a male friend 1-2-1 i am excited about meeting them, catching up and maybe even having a heart to heart talk about things. I am not thinking about whether or not they are going to try and jump my bones because that's not an option as far as i am concerned. If the conversation ever turned that way then i would make the decision to pull back from that person socially, but not before making it clear to them that they had overstepped the line.
As i said it's about your own moral code.
When i am in a relationship i am happy to let the person I am seeing know that i have male friends. If they text me i will show the text to my SO. I don't go into a long explanation of how they are just a friend, nothing has ever happened yada,yada,yada.
To me that says the lady doth protest too much. If you have to try and hammer home to your SO how the male friend and yourself are NOT attracted then you lying.
If you are secure in your own morals and there is trust in your relationship that goes both ways then you should know about each others friends (including thier sex), maybe even have met them, but you should not feel threatened by them. | |
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medana
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Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 52 | |
| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:46:31 AM | i say my bf needs to grow up past being 15yo emotionally. i have male and female friends. this is the truth about FRIENDS:
if u had wanted to f*ck them, u would have long ago. chances r, there are good reasons why they r FRIENDS, like how they r great but the connection is not sizzling w sexual chemistry?
i would def always still go out w male friends, my man needs to have better self esteem than worrying about men i didn't end up dating, and he definitely has no business telling me what to do and what not. i have a brain and can think for myself.
it all comes down to this: do u trust me, and do i give u reasons to doubt me. if u dont trust me, i could wear a tracking system and would not be enough. if u do trust me, than we dont need to worry about what the other is doing. i have male friends that might end up sleeping next to me in the same bed, and it still should never be a problem. some people stay over because they r tipsy, far from home, whatever reason is there, my friends r my friends and my bf is my bf. if he doesn't have self confidence or trust issues, then he should start therapy and deal w his problems, rather then expect me to deal w them
on this one babes, i'd say u need to get over it and over urself. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 10:44:57 AM | | What about girls who say they are still "friends" with their ex's? They HAVE had sex with them... and chances are they would again under the right circumstances. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 10:51:24 AM | | That's rubbish. I'm still friends with my ex husband. I wouldn't dream of sleeping with him and I don't get any kind of vibe like that off him either. We figure we spent a large part of our lives together and why not be friends? Life's too short. I don't see him often, but I talk to him fairly regularly. If I still wanted to have sex with him, I wouldn't have left him!!! And, I'm sorry, nobody is going to tell me who I can and can't be friends with. If I'm friends with a guy, but going out with you, that means I want to have sex with YOU, otherwise I'd be going out with HIM. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 10:54:52 AM |
They HAVE had sex with them... and chances are they would again under the right circumstances. Umm, probably not or they would not be our ex's.
If you don't trust her, then she is not the right one.
If you find this to be a pattern, then you have issues.
Oddly enough I have many male friends, gay and not, that I can spend an evening with and sex does not even come up as a discussion subject, let alone a suggested activity. I love my male friends and don't really want to give them up for a controlling significant other. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 1:53:46 PM | | I say thats absolutely fine. A guy friend is a guy friend. Altho all my guy friends are gay or bi for some reason, so theres not much risk going on there ! | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 2:32:37 PM | I was really surprised to read some of these answers and feel very blessed that I haven't dated jealous men who felt threatened by my friendships. First of all, there has to be basic trust because if she/he is going to be unfaithful it could be with anyone of any sex in any given situation. A person is either trustworthy and faithful or they aren't. There will be some people who do lie about their friendships or run off with a friend, but that doesn't mean that everyone does this, just as not everyone has an affair because the opportunity presents itself.
Secondly, why should a new man come into my life and dictate friendships that I've had with others for many years? There are a few men (including two exes) that I've been very good friends with forever . I find it astounding the line of thinking that men and women can't be friends without sexual temptation or interactions, which is just absurd. Exes are exes for a good reason and I would never have a desire to sleep with them again, besides one is very happily remarried and his wife and I are also good friends. We've literally vacationed together. 
I wouldn't be able to be with someone who couldn't feel basic trust for myself, but I would also feel very sensitive to avoid situations that made him uncomfortable or to give him concrete reasons to doubt me. I would wish to spend most of time with him, but my friendships are really important to my life regardless of what gender they are and I wouldn't give them up because another is insecure or can't trust anyone. | |
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| Women have a past?!
Posted: 4/12/2008 2:49:40 PM | Exs can be friends, they can be friends with benefits, they can be stalkers and they can be what I consider NOT an ex. It depends on the woman. I completely understand Shaun's trust issues, the man lied about his sexuality. He may have been bi, but not gay.
We can not be left alone with a member of the opposite sex... we just can't. Our minds are too weak. A man talks and we must submit. His brain is so powerful he has seduced us with a mere, "Hello." Is that really what you guys think? That's what most of you have said in defense of telling a woman she must break it off with her friends until you are done with her. They may email her and come to the house in large groups, under your supervision, but they can not leave the house and meet with these friends.
I'm not denying a lot of you guys have dated some SLUTS, SKANKS AND WHORES. I'm just denying that ALL women fall into the category of slut, skank or whore. I rarely defend women, I think they're kinda crazy, but I do think they are capable of living on their own, without a man protecting them from other men seducing them, every minute of the day.
Maybe the only women you guys can GET are the above three because you treat all women like property. Have you thought about how you treat your girlfriends? Do they either break up with you after you tell them they are forbidden to speak to men or start cheating after that fight?
 Seriously guys, try being nice and maybe women who aren't skanks will date you! | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:42:42 PM | | well i say its a trust issue, i have no problem with the guy i date having girls as friends, but if they spend more time with their friend instead of bf or gf then there is something to worry about. have you ever met any of her male friends? maybe you should maybe it will put you at ease! good luck! | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 5:37:18 PM | i didn't read all of the posts but i'm going to put in my 2 cents.....i think that it's healthy for a relationship to have friends of both sexes for both people involved. the reason being is let's say you're looking for that special gift to give a girl and all the guys can think of are things that a guy would use.....wouldn't you want to ask a female for advice? the same thing goes for the women as well...a guy knows what guys like and women knows what women likes. just as long as they keep their relationships with their friends of the opposite sex friends only i don't see anything wrong with that.
some guy asked me if i would get mad if he had female friends (online) since i know a lot of guys online....i told him i have no problem with that as long as i'm the only one that he touches and same with me.....our bodies would be off limits to others of the opposite sex and only for each other. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/12/2008 5:43:38 PM | You need to trust her. She needs to be able to trust you. I dont know what kind of relationship she has with these men. But I'll tell you that if you are this jealous of her you will eventually drive her away.
I personally wouldn't hang out with guy friends if I were in a relationship. However there is one or two friends that I wouldnt think twice of going out for sushi with them or lunch or a coffee. If she has never had a relationship with these men before and has known them for years, why would she suddenly now that she has is in a relationship start having a relationship with these guys that she never thought of being in a relationship with before. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:26:58 AM | There is no reason as to why a woman cannot have a man as a friend or change the amount of them after she is dating. Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever, you know. Since when should gender determine whom I'm friends with?? If you TRUST your girlfriend, there is no need to worry as to:
a) her judgment of friends
b) her cheating on you
c) who she really wants to be with--wouldn't she dump you if she didn't want to be with you?
This is something about YOU not her. You need to have trust in your girlfriend!! How ever will she trust you??? If you feel she could be cheating, ... is that because that's what you do with your girlfriends???
If my guy friend asked me to go out for supper, I would say sure, because if he's a friend, he would already know that I have a boyfriend, and is respectful and would do nothing to jeopardize that. I choose friends on the basic level of respect. I don't keep anyone in my life that cannot respect me as a person.
I guess once you're married, everything is looped, eh?? No friends allowed!! Live alone, together, forever! lol :) | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/13/2008 9:28:50 AM | have i known this "guy friend" before you? i mean, think about it. if i've known him before you, we've gone out for dinners before...what would *spark* now, that didn't before?
if my bf ever tells me not to go on dinners with my guy friend...just one on one...that'd kinna upset me. i understand his point of view, but it's just a casual dinner. if it's like once in a blue moon...just to catch up...then ya. but if it happens regularly...and to a point that i'm neglecting the bf...then that's something else. if the bf isn't even around to take me out, and this friend is more than willing to feed me, then why not? the bf should have been there...no? | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/13/2008 9:33:49 AM | Calihipanic, You are exactly right, theres is attraction, do not let them feed you that friend BS, I have never meet a woman who was not screwing her male friend,or eventually does. My guy friends, there girlfriends do not have dude friends who go out alone, thats a date duh! I could say baby we going out,but these two chics are coming with us. Tell the truth, you are attracted to these guys!
HAHAHAHAHAHAH...complete B.S!!! you've "never" met any woman who has not screwed a guy best friend? my cousin is one of my really close friend...obviously i don't screw him. i have another guy bestfriend and we've been close for the past 8 years or so now...people thought we were dating at one point and yes, it crossed our minds to date...but i will NEVER f*ck this guy. my ex used to be jealous cuz i always talked about my male bestfriend...and that was my bad...but i never screwed him.
i also had many guy best friends back then...just cuz i'm simply closer with guys than girls...and i've never even kissed any of them. i'm ALWAYS around guys, (the typical, *one of the guys*)...and i've only made out with 2 men in my whole entire life...
gregg...you obviuosly have limited female friends... | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/13/2008 10:28:24 AM |
shouldnt that kind of slow down once your in relationship? i mean like its cool to have guy friends hang out with them in GROUP settings...but as far as 1-1 going to dinner stuff like that...is that crossing the line?..personally i believe it puts people in unecessary risky situations.. if something happened the girl cheated or the guy tried to kiss them..first thing i would think is well you shouldnt have been there to begin with. so i guess the question for the ladies is if a guy friend asks you to dinner knowing you have a bf what do you say?
I think some people here are criticizing you for how you feel about this and I don't think that's quite fair.
It's ok to want to be in a relationship where you and your partner are doing things that you can live with and sleep with at night. It's ok to want someone who doesn't make other men a priority over you, or if that's not completely true, then someone who doesn't make you feel that way.
Now whether you are with the right person now to make you comfortable is a different story. There are just some things people can live with, some things that are deal breakers and this might be one for you. You have a right to have any deal breakers you want. It's your life. Now whether they are realistic or practical or make sense to anyone else is another story entirely.
When I'm in a relationship, I don't go to dinner 1 on 1 with another guy. If I love the person I'm with then why put that kind of strain on the relationship? Life has enough struggles to weigh down a partnership without me adding one to the pile. There are plenty of ways to interact with other males and talk to them and be friendly without making your mate uncomfortable. Go to a group dinner. Have a night where four people play a board game. Double date. Go on a road trip with several people.
Here's something you won't typically hear. If a woman thinks a guy is "The One" or could be the love of her life, she's not going to take a ton of risks to jeopardize that. She's not going to, if she has any common sense, give off any indicator at all that she's still shopping around. Now if a woman is kind of lukewarm on a guy, he'll do for right now, then she'll keep her eyes open and be accepting of attention and interest from other men and pretend it's some kind of "friendship"
Lots of people are telling you and many others will tell you that you have a "trust issue" and that you need "to grow up" This is a standard defense mechanism, a response like that, to justify not actually having to compromise in the relationship.
We don't like to compromise, none of us, and most of us don't unless we are forced to or have no choice. We want it our way and we want it like that all the time. We expect you to compromise but once you ask the same of us then most of us will accuse you of trying to control us.
Don't try to cope with things that you just can't live with. And don't try to change anyone who has habits or principles or ideals you can't live with. Just try to find someone on the same page as you and start from there. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/14/2008 1:39:23 AM | I don't know if this has already been said but I seriously have so many guys friends it's a little crazy. Yes, many of them might like me but they have already been shut down and know we're strictly friends. I can't say every girl is like me but I just want to say that theirs a reason that they are friends and that we don't date. If a guy asks me out to dinner and know I have a boyfriend I believe there is no problem accepting that invitation unless the girl has different motives besides friendship. I also would tell the boyfriend of my plans and he better be okay with it because if there is no trust in the relationship then what's the point? It's a dead end relationship without that key factor. Re-build the trust or cut your losses.
julz | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/15/2008 3:44:06 PM | shouldnt that kind of slow down once your in relationship?
no,, it should not "slow down". wow, seriously, deal with your own ego,, park it at the door. why should she give up any aspect of her life just because you came along? you dont believe it puts anyone in a risky situation, you r too thick in the head to understand that men and women can be in platonic relationships. you are too thick in the head to comprehend it.
if my friend (male or female) asks me to go to dinner, i will likely go. but then i wouldnt be committed to someone like yourself, who doesnt trust. this whole thing isnt about her, or her friends, its about your trust issues. TOTALLY ABOUT YOU! even if one of her male friends did/does find her hot, its not about that guy, its about DO YOU TRUST HER?. obviously you dont.
these ppl were her friends before you were in the picture and with that attitude of yours, they are gonna be there long long long after you are gone. keep it up pal and you will be gone fast. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/15/2008 5:04:56 PM |
shouldnt that kind of slow down once your in relationship? i mean like its cool to have guy friends hang out with them in GROUP settings...but as far as 1-1 going to dinner stuff like that...is that crossing the line?..personally i believe it puts people in unecessary risky situations.. if something happened the girl cheated or the guy tried to kiss them..first thing i would think is well you shouldnt have been there to begin with. so i guess the question for the ladies is if a guy friend asks you to dinner knowing you have a bf what do you say?
If a friend asks me to have dinner with them, and I enjoy spending time with them and catching up with them, what should it matter their sex? How is this risky? Either you trust your partner or you don't. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:34:57 PM | Girls who surround themselves with a gaggle of tongue waggin male admirers are attention getters. They say they are one of the boys, but really, they mean, they love being the center of attention. Another pathetic line is that a woman claims to not get along with other women and finds men easier to get along with. This just means she cant form friendships with an equal. She needs the sexual advantage to get her ya ya s off.
My advice, if shes got a ton of guy pals..run the other way. Shes in a permanent state of fishing! | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:36:26 PM | i say yes.
and my boyfriend has to realize i am friends with basically males.
although, a ton of 1-1's whilst in a relationship should be cut down and spent with the one you're with. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:42:26 PM | Sounds like trust and insecurity issues.
I go out to dinner one-on-one with guy friends, nobigdeal. I am working on a few projects with a few buddies, so dinner works well, especially if they aren't in town very often. I even train with one of my buddies a few times a week. I also kiss some of my guy friends on the cheek as a 'hello' or 'good bye.'
If a guy friend asks me to go to dinner with him and I have a bf; it would depend on if my bf an I had plans or not and if I had a sitter or not, if my bf an I didn't have plans an I had a sitter, sure, why not?! If my bf is insecure with me having dinner with a guy friend, then we have issues to work out. Insecurity is NOT attractive. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:03:28 PM | My boyfriend either trusts me or he can leave. That's all there is to it.
I'd love to introduce my boyfriend to my guy friends. I think the guys find it tacky though. My guy friends all have girl friends. I've offered to meet them, but usually they date fairly jealous women that complain about me being the guy's friend.
My ex and my one time good friend had an affair and ran off together. It's not that there is anything wrong with having male or female friends, it's a matter of what is wrong with the individual. Attempting to control a person doesn't solve the cheating potential. A cheater will lie to get what they want. An honest person will tell you who their friends are and most likely will leave you when you try to become a control freak.
I have better things to do than waste my time looking at everyone as a potential ****, and anyone who thinks people think that way is projecting. I'm a thinking human being, not some stupid primal animal. I refuse to date anyone who would treat me that way. | |
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| im not against a girl having guy friends BUT
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:13:31 PM | | group activities are fine, but I agree - the intimate, one-to-one stuff is a bit much....I say this because I expect the same in return from a dude. No hanging out alone with a girl who isn't ME....hateful & irrational? sure! but at least I'll reciprocate :) | |
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