| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:05:18 PM | I have fibromyalgia. It's an invisible disability and rather hard to explain, so I just tell people to google it and read the first or second hit on the list for a nice, short summary. I don't feel any obligation to educate people unless I'm fairly involved with them.
While I appreciate that it's annoying and insulting to be verbally accosted with intrusive sexual questions, at least you can quickly write them off as a-holes. What I find more trying is the well-intended person who reads one short article god-knows-where, and comes back to report to you that noni juice can cure your disease or if you just avoid diet sodas, it will subside. These people can't be written off as insensitive jerks, they're trying to be helpful, but they are clueless. I'm angry that with so little research they think they can resolve all my problems when the best doctors in town cannot, but yet, it's not polite to be brusque with them. Usually I just thank them, tell them I've heard that fact too, but it's more complex than that . . . . and I don't feel like discussing it just now.
Sometimes you have to repeat the I don't feel like discussing it just now.
Come to think of it, this technique might work with the intrusive sexual questions, too. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:23:06 PM | royalpain - I can totally relate to the Noni juice incident. The purported cure all for every ailment under the sun and moon. Every time I hear it referenced, I am reminded of the wild west US history of the tonic that cures everything (only then as best I can recall the main ingredient was alcohol). I have friends that tried to hard sell me into selling it - uh uh.
Actually - the "I don't want to talk about it right now" is perfect. Yet another misconception about disabilities that really goes back to elements of the original post is that there are no personal boundaries to respect. Manners and propriety seem to go out the window for some non-disabled individuals. It's irritating yet also revealing about the other person. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:24:33 AM | I used to get annoyed when people would tell me what to eat/drink when they found out.
I just shake my head now. Ive tried so many diets and other zany *cures* its rediq. I even subjected myself to bee venom. They do only want to help but I dont know why they dont think you've probably tried what they are suggesting. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/2/2008 11:53:11 AM | in our society people are maginalized and presented as less than complete people for
all different reasons...it doesn't begin or end with disabilities.
just read some of these forums. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:17:34 AM | AngelHeart said...
An excellent observation. Ironically, same employers have no problems with people in wheelchairs shopping in their stores.
Angel, that's exactly the problem. Employers allow us to SHOP in their stores, but wouldn't even consider hiring us. I applied to work at a Starbucks branch here in Victoria BC, and they laughed... saying they want to draw customers in, not drive them away. They honestly thought I was just joking. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:46:50 AM | | Men are truly pigs aren't they. They think with their other head all the time. Guys use what is upstairs will ya. My answer to those ridiculous questions would be - "hell you ain't ever gonna find out". My disability is that I am legally blind and when a guy emails me and asks me to meet him I tell him I can't drive anymore because of my eyes. Guess what most times I never hear back from them or they will ask me to drive during the day - duh! Don't let it get you down - keep a smile on your face there is someone out there that will be a good "catch" for you! | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:53:42 AM | | canam miles - What the hell did you just say? You tried to use really big words and make it sound like you knew what you were talking about but after I read what you said it made no sense to me except for the part about HER giving off bad vibes. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/4/2008 6:01:57 AM | Just 4 You wrote:
I applied to work at a Starbucks branch here in Victoria BC, and they laughed... saying they want to draw customers in, not drive them away. They honestly thought I was just joking.
I'm not surprised at your experience, saddened though. It is that way and it's ludicrous. I was hearing a news report a few nights ago about a study done on employees with ADD/ADHD - different from a visible "dis"ability but no less life-limiting, only differently life limiting. According to the study (in the US), we are more costly to the employers to hire because of challenges with distractability, focus and concentration. Also, in the US, there is in progress a restoration of the ADA (to clarify the court interpretation of ADA) that includes a statement in effect that an employer is not required to make accommodations on the basis of disability alone. Hmmm...I had to think about that one as it prima facie gives the employer an ace in the hole, contradictory to EEOC, JAN, etc which afford equal access and opportunity to the disabled, in public or otherwise.
It's infuriating actually. Every human on the planet has personal challenges of some kind, yet assign the label of "disabled" to a person, suddenly that person is perceived as less worthy (for lack of better terminology) of the best that life has to offer. Easier to foster that perception when an individual has visible challenges.
These attitudes about the disabled spill over into every aspect of life regardless. I'd personally rather align myself with someone perceived to be disabled yet has a great attitude than with someone who is not disabled yet has a crappy attitude. I find a crappy attitude to be top of the list of disabling conditions, although it isn't recognized as a disability. It should be though IMO. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/4/2008 6:02:24 AM | AngelHeart said...
Just 4 You, I regret that you had that experience at 16. I didn't know such a thing was even possible to have imposed on a teenager (let alone on an adult). Whatever happened to basic civil rights?
AngelHeart, Being a Teenager was the reason it happened. Since I was under-age, they didn't need my consent. They told my Parents what would be best and got them to sign the papers. Then it was done and I got put in a Home for the Handicapped out of everybody's way. Now I'm out and women in their 40's expect a man in his 40's to have a good job, a nice car, a nice house, money for entertaining and vacations, etc. I have none of those, and as a result... some women will talk to me but that's all, while most just delete me. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/4/2008 11:31:50 AM | Just 4 You said:
They told my Parents what would be best and got them to sign the papers. Then it was done and I got put in a Home for the Handicapped out of everybody's way.
Forgive me in advance of what I am going to ask, but were your parents NUTS?
Good grief.
As for your barriers to dating, don't let what happened to you affect your attitude about dating. Meaning, don't give up in your spirit and attitude. Somewhere out there is someone who sings the same song as you, you'll probably find her when you stop looking so hard and begin to believe you'll find each other.
 | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:01:06 PM |
canam miles - What the hell did you just say? You tried to use really big words and make it sound like you knew what you were talking about but after I read what you said it made no sense to me except for the part about HER giving off bad vibes.
First off there were no really big words there. Secondly, everyone else seemed to understand just fine and third I didn't 'just' say anything. This thread is MONTHES old!
It makes sense that you do not understand what was said if you do not know what any of the words mean.
Relax. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/11/2008 12:27:50 AM | I have NF2, was pretty much a invisible disease till 20 [except for spoting my scolisos and cataracts]. Now that I've had 4 surgeries- my disabilities show. I can still do bike rides and walk without a cane at times but my hard of hearing- is hard to recognize when I first meet people. Its tough to socialize when you don't know your being talked too. I communicate best through writing so these dating sites are best for me. I have friends who still don't see me as having a disability which is cool. Life is unique | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/11/2008 4:18:52 AM | next time they ask u if ur a virgin ask them " are u a virgin" .....if they say no it means they had sex with a guy  (well according to the dictionary definition of a virgin)
the world is filled with ppl who ask stupid questions and i get a good laugh n shake my head at the ones who ask the stupid questions
i'm also adhd and got a (GLI)general learning impairment(that isn't treatable) and many think i'm stupid cause i'm always scatterbrained and confused by things most arn't....like reading and understanding new things takes twise as long due to the GLI so i hate to see what happen if i went back to work...it be hard to find an employer who could spend an extra week or 2 training me | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:43:48 AM | That really stinks that you got those responses because of your vision. What rotten experiences to many people have had.
Best wishes to all who contributed to this thread. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:19:33 AM | Hey Tigress
OK everyone, stop the man bashing. Women (girls) do it too. I get that question quite often. Sometimes, they'll ask that before they ask my name. I have one of two answers:
A. If I think she's cute, I'll say "My van is parked outside. I could show you better than I could tell you."
B. If I don't think she's cute, I'll say, "Depends on how much you're willing to spend."
Yes, I know both answers are slimy. But, if they have enough nerve to ask me that question without knowing me, then they get what they deserve. In other words,"You pays your money. You takes your chances."
In some ways women are worse than men because they feel like they can go farther. Last time I went out, some girl just puts grabs my head and pushes it into her breast. Of course this was done shortly after she whispers in my ear, "I'm not a slut or a prostitute, but I'd love to give you a lap dance." Needless to say, she was drunk at the time. No, "Hello, what's your name?" or "Hi, my name is ..." Just straight to sexual molestation of the guy in the wheelchair. I get that kind of behavior almost every time I go to a bar or a club. Good times.
But, I have to say, when it's all said and done, I have fun with it. I don't really find it offensive. Just annoying sometimes. But, I realize things are different for a man. Sometimes, what women find offensive or degrading, a man may think is funny or even attractive. My best advice is to grow a thick skin, figure out a response for those situations that conveys your distaste for their utter lack of tact, and try to have fun with it at the other person's expense. Here's one for you;
Man: "Can you have sex?"
You: "No thank you. I prefer men."
Man: "I am a man."
You; "No. A man wouldn't ask me that question."
See what I mean. You put him in his place, while teaching him a lesson. Plus, you and your girlfriends get to laugh at the dumb look on his face. Good times! Above all else, don't take these things too seriously. Have fun and take care my sister.
Lateef | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:42:34 AM |
But, I have to say, when it's all said and done, I have fun with it. I don't really find it offensive. Just annoying sometimes. But, I realize things are different for a man. Sometimes, what women find offensive or degrading, a man may think is funny or even attractive. My best advice is to grow a thick skin, figure out a response for those situations that conveys your distaste for their utter lack of tact, and try to have fun with it at the other person's expense. Here's one for you;
Man: "Can you have sex?"
You: "No thank you. I prefer men."
Man: "I am a man."
You; "No. A man wouldn't ask me that question."
I LOVE IT!!
Have fun with the tactless situations = his (or her) bad
Take it too seriously and get all tied up in knots over it = "your" bad
The "man" (or woman conversely) who behaves badly really is only showing their own *ss. Once the recipient reacts negatively and personalizes those tactless situations, he who is tactless (or she) isn't suffering one iota. Why should the recipient?
A tiny word about disabilities from one who has not so obvious disabilities. We tend to connect another's ignorant behavior to our disabilities and, IMO, have a heightened sensitivity that it is the disability that is targeted. Not always the case. The same idiots who ask dumb, tactless questions of obviously disabled individuals ask the same dumb, tactless questions of the non-disabled. (Not talking about the ones who tactfully really want to understand that person's limitations better because they are interested in the person). The only difference is what aspect of the person they use as an open door to a quickie.
Oooops! I guess it wasn't such a tiny word after all. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 6/15/2008 10:53:38 AM |
Man: "Can you have sex?"
You: "No thank you. I prefer men."
Man: "I am a man."
You; "No. A man wouldn't ask me that question."[/quote
Best answer ever!
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 7/22/2008 1:23:21 PM | | There are angles, reaches, directions to the Pentagrams of social realities. I have to be militant about my disability because of the social/legal politics. I REALLY have to sue agencies or DIE. It isn't about self-pity, it's a fight for justice. And maybe get some doors open for other folks with Hidden Disabilities before the System kills them. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:16:54 PM | | Some folks consider me asexual, especially on the question of sex with a "normal" woman. (Actually, "Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.) Once whaen describing the "Great Love of My Life," I described, quite respectfully, how she looked. Among other things, I mentioned perfectly cone-shaped breasts. The person to whom I was speaking asked me how I knew... | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:22:15 PM | I wish women would ask me that :P
Meh - for them even to ask probably means they have some interest.
That is a good thing! | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 7/22/2008 8:53:29 PM | | Asking someone that you have some kind of relationship with if they can still have sex is a little different from asking someone you just met. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:04:40 AM | People can be real jerks no matter the situation..
These men would have asked for sex even if you was in perfect health..
Apparently they thought you was cute and was interested in having sex WITH YOU..
A friend of mine was in a car wreck and ended up in a wheel chair..
His wife divorced him because he could no-longer have sex. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:26:31 PM | nebula: Able bodied women do not get asked if they can still have sex. They get asked about their favorite position.
spitfire: I see.... so you think that "Can you still have sex?" Is perfectly acceptable as casual small talk, with someone you've just met? Assuming you are planning to sleep with that person before even learning their last name, maybe. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 7/23/2008 2:40:47 PM | | You seem so very sweet, there is someone for everyone. You just keep looking. You are right. The men that pass you up are the ones missing out. KEEP FISHING & good luck. Upbeat in Ga. | |
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| What is it about disability?
Posted: 7/23/2008 5:16:16 PM | | oh yeah, I have been asked that question and more explicit ones. My favorite response is to tell them that I have a child...and it was Not an immaculate conception! | |
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