| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 7:30:32 AM | | You don't know what women are thinking or really saying. The bottom line is they are not really into you when they start making excuses not to see you. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 7:45:40 AM | I just see that as the women are not scrounging off you (as some men call it) they are paying for their half of the evening, maybe the date/meet is confusing them.
If it is a date - then say so, make it clear you are paying. If it is a meet, nothing wrong with going dutch its just fair.
Fuzzy gray areas are not good, cos they are hurting you. | |
|
| |
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 8:06:06 AM | No every women is different! guy. I always pay for the first meeting, because I am old fashion and raised with southern manners. We might meet for drinks or coffee or light lunch so we are not talking a lot of money gang! Keep it simple and not a long night so not to put pressure on them to spend more time than needed with me if we do not click! and vise a versa Second date I insist on paying, if she wants to play 1/2 then I just explain she can pay the next time. Very simple ! There are women and guys out there who are what I like to call dinner whores! lol They just want to get a lot (more than one or two) fancy meals and not even a hug or kiss good night. They have no intention on turning into a relationship, they just want a fill in until Mr right comes along. I have vetting process to find them out, but it has happen to friend many time until he learned.  | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 8:17:28 AM | Wow,
Who cares if you ever see them again as long as you're getting a free meal and lip service? And who cares what their thinking? I'm at least glad he is curious as to why and what he is doing wrong (which is more than I can say for some people). He is obviously trying to establish a relationship with a woman and these first meetings can be a little uncomfortable. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 8:27:17 AM | I'm not sure if I agree with the "payoff" theory. The other day I was on my first date in years, before the check came for dinner he offered to pay for the meal, I asked if he was sure, just because I feel weird about having people pay for me. Then when the girl came and asked us about the check, I'd forgotten all about it and said separate. He sorta looked at me and said, really? are you sure, I can get it and called the girl back (we were only a few feet from the counter) and let her know that he'd pay. I offered to tip, but he handled that too, more than 20% which, I have to say was impressive.
After dinner we went to a movie and on the way there I said I'd handle the movie since he paid for dinner. He still insisted on paying for the movie as well which I thought was great but I had to ask him if he was sure probably a half a dozen times.
End of the night, we left the movie because... well... we were falling asleep, watched Shawshank on dvd at my place, he ended up staying the night (we didn't hook up or anything =P lol just cuddled and slept). I offered to pay because that's just the way I like to do things. If he had let me pay it wouldn't have made any difference on how the night went for me. It would have been just as great. I mean, if I'd realized by the time the check had rolled around and the movie came that I definitely didn't want to see this guy again I would have INSISTED on paying my part. I would never offer to pay the whole tab unless it was a dinner and a movie or another sort of deal where he's paying for one and I'm paying for the other. Normally I go double dutch though, not because of any sort of pay-off though. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 8:32:51 AM | When I first meet a man I prefer to keep it inexpensive such as a drink or coffee and find out if you are both interested. It's difficult enough without adding pressure of dinner which unless you're going through the drive thru, is going to cost what I consider significant amount to find yourself turned down...
The first meeting or two is a crap shoot on if it will lead to dating... and I think most of the time you will only see them that amount of time until the right one comes along... it's not only YOU in this situation, I think it goes for the majority on here.... it's not about dating every person you meet for months it means dating lots of people for months... either enjoy or take breaks from it... | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 8:38:57 AM | | Nice to see a gentlemenly answer. I guess there are some women out there who are "meal whores"and men who think buying a gal a meal entitles them to something other than a thank you. People make dating so hard with all this kind of psychoanalysis, it was much easier when the rules were clean cut. So you get your heart broken and spend a little money, dating is a learning game, some you win, some you lose, it's just a fact. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 8:46:11 AM | Here's the thing I mnust clear up... When I go on a date, I'm not looking for anything in return EXCEPT the hopes that the events during dinner would inspire the woman to want to see me again. As they say, "Expect the worst, hope for the best". I don't associate paying for dinner as a means to seeing more skin. I just wish women didn't assume that some guys see it that way, (and a big "thank you" to those same a$$hats for doing it and creating more hurdles for guys to overcome).
At a first meeting it's different. I'm glad if a woman wants to pay her own way. It's a small bite or a few coffees anyway. But on a first date I'd rather be the one to pay for it. I expect to pay for it actually. Now if the woman asked me out on a date, I'd expect her to pay for it but at the same time I'd want to pay my own way. Maybe it's a guy thing. If she insisted, I'd at least insist on leaving the tip. Again, it has nothing to do with wanting sex, or for that matter, another date. If we both do not feel any spark, then so be it. I'm not upset or mad about shelling out money for a dinner, but I just see it as the price you pay for an opportunity toward a new relationship. Better that than no opportunity at all.
perfectredsky2008 said
When you pay for the meeting does that mean its a payoff to the woman?
No, it's just tradition. I see what you mean, although you won't find many girls, if any, asking that same question here.
Circe 1 said:
Why would you allow a lady to pay at all
Because after time if the guy is ALWAYS paying for things, then something in return IS expected. On top of that, you get a free meal out of it, and what does he get? After many times of this happening with the same person, he'll get to decide whether or not he wants to get to know a gold digger better. At what point do YOU decide to pick up the tab, or your share?
Some women mentioned getting lip service, and that's not always the case. I don't force it because I paid for a meeting or dinner. Why should I have to pay for that? If I kiss I want it to happen because the women is attracted to me, not because she feels obligated. I may be disappointed in not getting a kiss because there's no spark, not because I paid for their meal. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 8:54:03 AM | How does the song from the Kinks go? "He'd end up blowing all his wages for the week, all for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek..." :)
At least when he'd come dancing, he'd be able to check out other women, hopefully not the kind that strings him along... | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 9:05:03 AM | Its your choice if you offer to pay for both meals or cover the whole tab. Personally I always pay my own way on every occasion until I really know the other person well (this includes my friends). Even then if we go out and they pay the whole tab I will pay the whole tab the next time.
Any other expectations that you have you are setting up in your own mind with no help from anyone else and if you look deeply enough you may find you have some very definite preconceived ideas as to how things should go on a date. Why not be equal each and every time, try it you may find some freedom. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 9:07:26 AM | | What does he get? The pleasure of my company...for life if a connection is made. If you have to ask what YOU get, then you are not really interested in those women. If you are truly interested you will be happy to pay and do almost anything else to keep her. It's called courting. When will I start paying? When there is a commitment to each other and I have been successfully snared. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 9:37:40 AM | Sorry, I don't buy that. Things are a two-way street now, and a majority of responses by females here agree to pay their own way at a first meeting, even after a few dates. I don't see paying for a date or two as expecting something back. I don't want to have to "pay" for a connection either. If you're constantly testing someone by seeing if they will pay your share; that's playing games, not courting. Keep in mind that if the guy paying for your dinners is also dating other women, some who may enjoy the guy enough to pay for their share or the whole meal, the guy might see that as a stronger sign of affection from those same women. In a relationship I don't expect any gifts, but if a girl knows me well enough to get something small for me, I see it as, "wow, she really understands what I like and wants to show her appreciation."
If you think a guy will be a dog begging for table scraps and be overjoyed at just your company (excluding conversation, your outfit, personality, jokes and stories, etc), that guy is desperate. Look too happy and girls see it as "oo, he's going too fast and looks too interested. I don't want that. He must be the kind that wants to get married yesterday." I've had to deal with that before, so I've found that you have to hide a part of yourself in order to keep things going. Look too interested and they see it as a warning sign. Don't look interested enough and they think you're not into them.
I understand, circe 1, that you have old-fashioned standards, and I'm ok with that. Like I said, I still believe in paying for the first date, even if they're the ones who ask me out. I still think it's ok to show some appreciation though by offering to pay your share (either at meeting or after dating for a while). My original topic is about if paying for the first date and/or meeting is a sign of a payoff. Everyone is right though about other factors being taken into consideration. Maybe it's just been a bad luck streak that makes me think the way I do. I surely hope that's the case. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 10:03:56 AM | EM,
My best guess is that you're onto something. So why don't you ask 'em what was wrong? Not in a desperate, whiny way as if they owed you an explanation for not falling madly in love with you, but in a way that set them at ease and lets them know that you're trying to figure it out so that you'll be ready for your next dates with someone else. Wait a couple of weeks, then give 'em a call and see what they say.
If they're at all nice and you approach it as one adult to another, at least some of them will have the decency to tell you how it went from their perspective. One or two of them might just take a renewed interest, but that's not the point. The point is that they've moved on, so have you, and you just want to be ready when the right one comes along.
Can't hurt, though if you are screwing up in some way it's probably going to sting a bit when you first hear about it. Do yourself and the rest of us a big favor by staying polite and saying thank you even if it smarts. She's taking a risk by telling you the truth. A lot of guys can't handle it. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 10:39:38 AM | | Well I must be lucky. I have never dated a man that didn't pay for dinner and all seemed quite happy to do so. I must disagree when you say women see too much interest as a warning sign. If a man doesn't show lots of interest I won't see him again. I do agree that you have probably had bad luck...all those women you talked about in your post were incredibly rude and not worthy of your attention. I wouldn't sweat it anymore...just keep looking. There are lots of truly nice women out there. I should know. I'm one of them. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 12:03:04 PM | I always offer to pay my own way and always have paid my own way.
It's nothing but being polite.
I don't ever expect to be 'takenout' and get a freebie..it's just not my nature.
If we got to the 3rd date and maybe he said he wanted it to be his treat..then that is lovely..but also..the next time we go out..let me have my turn and it's my treat. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 2:04:29 PM | ya know what op, i am as sick and tired of this topic as a person could ever be of anything.
heres the deal in a nutshell, if you invite someone out, you pay. if they invite you, they pay. no one is entitled to anything because they paid for dinner and no one should be "reading" anything into the paying of the check.
DUDE, SERIOUSLY, you are complicating an uncomplicated thing.
if you want to know what someone thinks,, ASK THEM and quite guessing. for kripes sake already, grow up! | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 2:17:47 PM | It just means I'm being polite.
If I invite you out, whether you're a romantic interest or just my buddy, I am paying. If someone invites me out, I figure they're probably going to pay. I don't split checks, and if I sense that someone is thinking that way I just offer to get the whole bill. It's nothing more than just common courtesy. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 3:39:55 PM | So if a woman asks to pay for dinner, or insists on it, should i assume she is going to pick me up and drop me off as well? Or at the very least have her way with me ?  | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 7:42:25 PM | This is such a sticky topic, and everyone thinks about it differently. If it is a 2.00 drink
on a first meet and he suggested the meet and then goes Dutch-C'MON-2.00 guy's, after you asked? Not Cool, but you would be amazed !
As far as the expensive dinner goes, if I get asked, and I think they might be looking for a payoff at the end of the evening ( which is quite common) I just don`t go. Saves alot of hassle.
I`ve learned alot by the forums on POF. Before I would ever accept a dinner date any more, I would have to be pretty sure of his motives for the evening. Never anything expensive for a first or second date. I don`t like sitting thereand splitting the check. I don`t think thatis very gracious. So if I don`t think the man will be good company, I just turn down the invitation. Not kidding, I probably turn down 90 to 95 % of all invitations, since I have been reading the forums. That way I`m not leading anyone on. It is working out quite wellfor me. I don`t go out almost ever. But I don`t have to deal with akward situations, get stressed out and run into confrontations. For me turning down most dates works best.
At least men can`t say I`m looking for a meal ticket. I`m not taking a thing from them. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:31:38 AM | What I want to know is WHY a man would ask a woman to dinner if he thinks she's after a meal ticket?
Or why a man would expect a woman to sleep with him later that night? I realize not all men share in that mentality.. and it's usually a player that would, and in that case why should I care if he storms off or decides to trash women?
If I enjoy a man's company and we seem to have things in common and he invites me to dinner I am going on that assumption... and I'm old fashioned enough to let him pay but I'm not going to pick the most expensive item on the menu either... that would be tacky on my part.
If a man feels it's too expensive to take a woman to dinner then don't ask her...
Dinner is supposed to be intimate in itself, sharing a meal and getting closer to someone.. if families use dinner to connect and catch up and share stories then I believe the same to be true of dating and getting to know someone...
I guess wait until you feel that there is a connection with someone if you feel like the loser at the end... | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:38:37 AM | | If I am having dinner with a man who I know I have no interest in, I have paid for dinner. That way I don't feel bad or obligated to anything what so ever. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:44:54 AM | My impression is if the woman pays then that's the last time you will be going out on a date.
Not true for friends -- but for dates -- that's the end of the line line. It's universal. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/13/2008 8:04:07 AM | Ok this one is really pretty easy. You're thinking too much into it (and believe me, if there is an "over analytical analysts club", I am probably the Board's Chair).
Could this be a payoff? Sure.
Could this be exactly what sone of the other posters have said (with very good explanations)? Sure.
The bottom line is all of us have different social and personal and emotional reasons that drive what we think about paying or having someone else pay; and there may OR MAY NOT be anything behind it.
The Solution (my two cents advice):
The person who sets the arrangements pays. IF you ask the other person out and then they want to pay or pay half, politely decline and say "I appreciate it but I asked you out and I am happy to pay". Then drop in the next logical sentence and let them know they can pick up the tab next time. This is great communication. Its fair, it lets them know you are interested in a "next time". In short, you're communicating, and its perfectly fair and reasonable. You're not cheap, they aren't free loading. Worst case scenario: You bought a person a meal or whatever one time in your life and got some conversation out of it.
You will likely learn something really useful from this interaction. If the person is interested in you so far, they will probably reply with something letting you know that there might be a "next time" (pretty nice to know). If they aren't, you might get to know that too (again, nice to know). If they are offended or have expectations that you pay all the time, then that is REALLY nice to know (not that there is anything wrong if EITHER person happened to want to pay for this or that, but more importantly because this is the beginning of a relationship (hopefully) and their willingness to discuss this is a great sign that they are agreeable to communicating and compromising fairly. | |
|
| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/13/2008 8:51:19 AM | This is exactly the kind of game playing I detest. If I meet a man from this site, we usually meet for coffee or something equally casual and inexpensive. If it goes well and he asks me out for dinner and a movie (or whatever), then in reality, he is obligated to pay. HOWEVER, I will always offer to HELP pay because I think it is the polite thing to do. I can leave the tip, pay for the drinks or the movie tix or whatever--or not.
If I do fork over some cash, it does not mean that I don't like him, or that I am testing him or anything else. Wow. Every man and woman should be polite and mindful of their manners when dating, and that means being genuine and REAL and thoughtful. It's just an offer to help pay. It is what it is and nothing else, IMHO. | |
|
Home
login 
