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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 9:54:38 AM |
During this period she has "broke up" with me several times.
Better question is: If this isn't what you want, why let it keep happening. Generally, people will only do the things that you keep letting them do to you.
During these brake up periods she has done things that have betrayed my trust.
While broken up, nothing either of you do is each other's business, really.
Now I often question if she's being honest.
Can't blame you for that, but still YOU let her come back after these break-ups, no?
I dont know which of her actions to believe, "the I love u and want to be with u", or the "i'm gonna move on and see other guys u should move on too".
Personally, I'd believe the breaking up actions. Sure, she seems to always come back, but I'd wager a LOT of my salary that while she's gone.. the fear of commitment (due to her history.. which does make sense) gets voted off the island over the fear of being alone. And she knows you'll take her back (reliable old you, eh.. wanna be thought of that way?) because this pattern has already been established.
The only way you'd believe her desire to be with you at this point would be if she came back and STOPPED her little relationship-sabbaticals. But you've given her a pass on one too many as it is.
If she feels like she can't walk all over you and get everything she wants, if she feels she could possibly lose you, it will cause her to act more considerate.
As wonderfully logical as that is, I doubt it'd work at this point. He's already shown her that she can run away and come back over and over. THIS is what she expects now.
So while he does need to put his foot down, I really don't think it should be done after he lets her come back yet again.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Love can eighter make you or break you. It is no joke.
Totally.. and she's utterly ABUSING his love. Repeatedly, no less. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 11:46:13 AM | You are in an co dependant relationship...
You continue to enable this woman's behavior so why would she ever change? You (and probably some other men too) are doing just what she wants. Heck , there are support groups for such people .
It is not she that is wishy washy, but it is you.... | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:57:08 PM | I have a different perspective that comes from some experience.
First, God does matter. I'm a Christian and here's something I can personally attest to. I met this man on-line. Though there wasn't an instant attraction, it wasn't long before it was evident we had amazing chemistry, in fact to this day I've not had such chemistry with any other guy. Now, thing is, despite the awesome chemistry, not only was he not a Christian but he was almost an atheist. The reason that's relevant is because he fell in love with me, and though I couldn't deny a huge attraction to him, and had thought about dating him, because of the faith issue, I held back letting my emotions get carried away. But he really wanted a relationship with me, and I had to tell him that unless he became a Christian, I couldn't. It was confusing and really hard all around.
Someone said God doesn't tell us to not have certain people in our life. That's not true. God knows people better than us, and if there's someone who would cause us grief over the long run, then God can and at times does, warn us and tell us to not let those people be an integral part of our life.
Second, she definitely has some emotional/mental health issues. I don't think she's a whack job as some might think though. I don't know her background but it's likely she suffered alot of abuse throughout her life.
Third, a person coming from abuse has a hard time dealing with people who treat them good. That may sound whack, but the reason is because after so much abuse it becomes an expected way of life and when you find someone who treats you different, treats you better, like the way you're supposed to be treated, it's a shock and it can leave one very confused, and even suspicious of the other person and fear what their true intentions are, meaning they think someone is only being nice to them to gain their confidence before they too abuse them.
If a person lives for a long time in an environment in which they're subjected to a lack of love and are badly treated, so bad that they're made to feel worthless, they often end up believing it. Then, resigned to the belief that they're worthless and thus undeserving of good treatment, when someone does treat them good, instead of clinging to those people, they either steer clear, or do a bouncing routine, The coming and going the OP is experiencing, because in their heart they yearn to be treated good, but in their mind the belief that they're worthless, tells them they're not worthy of the love and kindness and that they shouldn't let their worthless pathetic self be around such a good person because they'll only mess up that person's life.
On the flip side, and also common with people who've suffered abuse, (usually ones who struggle with the idea that they're worthless) they tend to seek people who are so far on the opposite side of the personality of their past abusers, that they're basically subconsciously seeking perfect people, which of course don't exist. Not finding a perfect person, and feeling desperate for companionship, they are susceptible to ending up with people who treat them in ways that they grew accustomed to, and that they don't always want to admit are unkind, and/or, downright abusive.
I could be completely wrong, at least where this woman is concerned, but from what I've learned about life, and about myself and others, I believe these are valid POSSIBLE reasons for the woman's behavior.
OP the best thing you can do is just be a FRIEND to her. I don't believe she's currently able to have a decent, meaningful relationship with anyone. I think she needs counseling and needs to heal so that she learns not just her worth, or what she does and doesn't deserve, but also what she wants, and what reasonable expectations are.
Hope things change for the better for both of you! | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 11:54:55 AM | Supriya J,
You make a good point, if you're talking about a true, GOD fearing Christian. The OP is talking about a user who plays the "GOD" card to salvage herself from bad situations she created, not a true person of the faith. She just hides behind GOD's robes, and this excuse, and the abuse of faith, is a tool she uses to manipulate relationships.
OP, did you research myspace and facebook? Does she actually go to church on Sunday? How about that "medical condition"?(another famous tool for abusers like this)(And, oh,yeah, I've done THIS before.) | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 12:10:59 PM | "Sorry you not going to like this: STOP BEING A DOOR MAT, GET A BACKBONE and move on. "
Don't you think he has, afterall he has an internet ad seeking women....
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 12:17:28 PM | | OP, I'm going to agree with most of the folks who posted so far. This woman is a piece of work. It seems you may need to consider to employ negative psychology with this woman as a catalyst for her behavior modification. Personally I wouldn't really do this myself in any interpersonal relationship. Life has enough real drama, this woman injects false drama into her life for whatever reason...she's carrying along baggage, she's the type who's never happy, she can't "settle down" for whatever reason, etc. I've known the type. I wouldn't want to get involved with them. Needless to say, OP you love this woman for some reason. She's just not able to give back emotionally nearly as mucy what you give her. I wouldn't have the mental energy to deal with this woman. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 6:46:49 PM | It seems as though you enable her by allowing this behavior and tolerating it,
Sounds almost bi-polar and I do not mean that in a negative way. I have to agree with Bikeman on this one. JMO | |
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NERO1
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Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 34 | |
| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 7:55:03 PM | | OP you should get more p!ssed off at times, (unless you already do). Lose your temper. Let her see and / or hear it. She'll remember it. Also though, think of some other things; no offense but did you say her past FOUR bad ones, as in bad marriages??? Trouble...... IMO...... she sounds like a borderline "runaway bride" type. Clearly very indecisive, etc etc. "Issues" , as they say. What makes you think that even if this works out, and say you wind up with her as in engaged to her, or married, that this kind of thing is never going to happen?? Eventually , judging by her past behavior, she's likely to eventually decide she is going to move on and see other guys. Then, what? Call you back in a couple months and say she loves you and wants to be with you. You'll be like her yo-yo (no offense --- I mean literally a yo-yo, back and forth and up and down on her string). Did you ever see "Casino"??? Don't be "Lefty" (DeNiro's character) to her "Ginger" (Sharon Stone's character). | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 8:02:33 PM | She sounds confused to me. I don't think I could put a guy through all of that. It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants, whether it's with you or not. If she knew she wanted, she'd be with you and not keep changing her mind.
I had a friend who had a guy do that with her and they were engaged and five months away from saying the "I do's". He would say that it was over, then he begged her to get back together, and so forth and so on. She finally said "No more" and called it quits for good. It hurt her too much. He'd been cheated on by a woman from his past and was scared...maybe too scared.
I am not going to tell you what to do, but just remember it's your heart and your life.
Good luck.
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 8:12:24 PM | She has had 4 bad one's
that should be enough of a warning - - you are 42 and she is about your age, I would assume.
so in 20 years of adult life she has had a marriage every 4 to 5 years - - - with how long between the marriages - - - - - so each only lasted how long on average.
Yes she is scared - - does not want an other bad marriage - - - -
So she is of mixed emotions - - - wanting but afraid - - - best to not push her - -
more likely best to simply move on - - - - she has to get her act together - - get her life together first - - -
Jim P. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 9:00:11 PM | thx to all for the help. would like to comment on several differant opinions given but will simply say most all of u are correct in ur reasoning. have heard almost every line u could think of from her.
yes she actually goes to church sometimes, been with her on occasion. but there too she's in and out.
yes i have to agree with all that have said i set the precident by allowing this in the first place.
SupriyaJ, and a few others, i have been tolerant because i was trying to be patient. trying to be her friend and be patient has been turned into being taken advantage of.
rivereye, she isn't computer savy however there IS the medical conition thing in migraine headaches and frequent stomach issues. good insight.
SCOUT196838and others, yes she shows signs of bi polar issues. I spoke to her about 3 months ago about seeing a Dr. She refused and denied a problem.
xNEROx, tried that once. lost my temper and yelled at her for some action she had done, (honestly dont remember now what it was), but no significant change. she is a very controlling and munipulitive person. therfore no-one will control her, or stand up to her without confrontation.
Lastly. it appears the consensus is first, move on. second make a stand.
After catching her in a lie the day after posting this regarding another man I told her to hit the %^%#*ing road.
Now i have another question. I owe her 65.00 She sent me a txt today demanding her money be delivered to her son. Do i pay her or keep it and call it pain and suffering compensation?
For those who may be curious, perhaps want some insight into what i've been dealing with, and simply to get this of my chest, I'm thinking of posting EXACTLY what happened, the lies she told, and how she was caught. anyone wanna know? | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/14/2008 9:16:46 PM |
For those who may be curious, perhaps want some insight into what i've been dealing with, and simply to get this of my chest, I'm thinking of posting EXACTLY what happened, the lies she told, and how she was caught. anyone wanna know?
Nopers I don't... but you ARE starting to sound like a woman now. Give the lady her money and call it a day! | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 8:14:18 AM |
For those who may be curious, perhaps want some insight into what i've been dealing with, and simply to get this of my chest, I'm thinking of posting EXACTLY what happened, the lies she told, and how she was caught. anyone wanna know? I'd suggest taking the high road and not airing dirty relationship laundry. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 8:54:08 AM | | First of all, if a woman I was with sleeps with another guy within two weeks of splitting with me, it's a done deal, history, no more. That is just me, not you. However, this woman is using god as an excuse for her reckless irresponsible behavior. Also, more than likely sounds to me that the could be manic depressive or like my ex, go through some drastic changes in her emotional make up during some specific times of the month. So talk about it. But here's the question to you. Do you want to marry this woman? You both may be better off, unless there are small children involved, to just live together. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 9:23:49 AM | Sorry you not going to like this: STOP BEING A DOOR MAT, GET A BACKBONE and move on-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didn't you see his hat? I think the problems are a lot more serious....
(((I'm thinking of posting EXACTLY what happened, the lies she told, and how she was caught. anyone wanna know?)))
No that's OK, no need to get ridiculous. We have enough info, don't you?
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 9:32:15 AM | I couldn't deny a huge attraction to him, and had thought about dating him, because of the faith issue, I held back letting my emotions get carried away. But he really wanted a relationship with me, and I had to tell him that unless he became a Christian, I couldn't
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How do you know that's what God was telling you. Maybe God was saying "Isn't it respectful of him he's not demanding you become and Atheist. My child, I have created all people on Earth, the Jews, Christians, Mormons (my favorite, woo hoo), that chemistry you felt was Me flicking the switch inside of you. If that is a man's worse quality my child, keep him. God loves atheists too. While I'm here, let me warn you not all men (or women) who act like Christians are worth a spit, for those be the snake inside the apple. Like Pat Roberts says, "tithe more and the rewards will come". | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 2:31:04 PM | right is right. I paid her today.
As for posting further info, was just venting. not going to as should be evident by my not posting it and many other details in the first place. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 2:39:31 PM |
When i try and talk to her there is no reasoning with her, (she is very fearful of committing to a marraige because of her past 4 bad ones so i try to convince her to relax a bit) then after 3-6 days she calls again and wants to go out.
With a track record like that speaking for her, why do you bother? Hello, wake up and smell the coffee. From what you wrote, what she wants, changes without warning or seeming reason. Why would YOU want a woman like that (nevermind what she's after).
Never make someone a priority, who only makes you an option!
You're her boredom backup plan. She'll use your hot and cold running emotions, just as long as you let her. She pulled a big no-no in my book, by blaming God for her unwise decisions. Wow, the ultimate cop-out.
It's not you, it's not God, it's her - her behaving and acting badly.
Get rid of Missus Wrong, go find Miss. Right. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 2:41:26 PM | Hi Dalton,
word of advise don't air dirty relationship laundry as mess 41 has posted!! Been there done that and it backfired - just leave by gones to by gones and learn and absorb your life learning experiences!
Be careful who you get involved with in the future and observe the yellow flags that will eventually turn" RED FLAGS" | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 5:23:17 PM | she knows your stuck on her; and she knows you'll do anything for her. You need to dump this girl and yesterday. She breaks up with you to go play and then comes back and you convince yourself you have to have her.
Your a nice guy; you deserve better; if you marry her, your in big trouble. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 8:10:27 PM | she can have you whenever she wants...and you stay being there whenever she wants. if that keeps you happy..stay. if not, why prolong this suffering?
if you think you love her so much...then continue to suffer. only you can measure if she's worth all the emotional rollercoaster, and know if she's worth all the heart-aches you had, and more of that to come. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/15/2008 9:09:02 PM | | As much as I hate to say it, every body thats telling you move on is right. I'm coming out of almost the exact same situation. Go to her be clear with your needs, Odds are good she will give an excuse and you gotta look at her and say bull shit. I know its going to suck dude, but you will be better off. Chuck has your balls man, take them back already. | |
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