| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/8/2008 8:49:54 PM | Whoa Naamah
That is a very sad story, but as I said before not foreign to me... Ive have seen and heard horrible stories like you have mentioned. Ive been witness to many things, tears, drama and even punchups because of family tensions and situations and its more common than one realises....and sadly the living characters tend to have their own agendas even though they have just lost someone they love....its very sad and its another facet in the life of being a funeral director.........having said that, I have to say Ive seen plenty of funny and absurd situations as well.....so its not all doom and gloom and Ive also been privy to seeing others put aside their differences and come together..always sad that someone has to die in order for this to happen but its nice to see people reconcile as well.... | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:33:02 PM | Hi Pookiespal, thank so much for that. I have another question if thats okay..
In my culture, when someone dies, you view them. Then as soon as they are ready they come home and usually the coffin open or not, goes into the lounge, where everyone visits and sleeps in and near the loved one. Its a very emotional and many times extremely heart warming time to say goodbye.
I am concerned if something happened to me or my family here in Australia we would be not allowed to bring them home for those few days.
Do you know the law governing this Pookiepal.? | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/11/2008 6:57:25 AM | Hi Happy
Thankyou for your question...sorry for the delay in responding.
I can only gather that you are of Maori or Pacific Islander descent ? as this one of their traditions that you describe and quite acceptable to Funeral Directors in Australia
So rest assured that if you wish when you pass that this tradition still be observed, it will be....most FD are fully aware of various cultures and traditions and allow for them accordingly. As you are probably aware a full embalming must take place prior to the deceased returning home, but Ive never encountered a problem with this culture regarding this, its more important that the deceased returns home for the family to commence their greiving process
Cheers | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:13:08 AM | I was wondering today, since I am a smoker and my family are always saying to me, 2sir do you have a mint?
I was thinking, what if I died while having a cigarette? Do you guys like brush my teeth for me when I am dead? Otherwise I might smell of cigarettes. This could be rather distressing to my family should they want to view me, and I smell like an ashtray. | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:35:31 PM | Hi 2sirwithlove
Interesting question...and I must admit that Ive never been asked that before but yes we do brush your teeth.!!!
We wash the body, we do the nails - cut and polish if required on both feet and hands, we wash the hair and style it , do any shaving that may be required or plucking , apply lite makeup if requested, and yes we do brush the teeth...so you do leave this world...squeaky clean...cause you just never know who or what your going to encounter on your journey and you need to be prepared and if your family likes, they can slip a mint into any clothing along with your ciggies so you doubly prepared..
Cheers | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:10:47 AM | Lol. Not my family, I'll end up with a whole bag of peppermints in my pocket and no smokes, I'll have to buy them myself.
Ok, now I have another question. Someone told me once that when you die, your fingernails, toenails and hair grow at a rapid rate. But I don't think this is true, I think I was being told an old wives tale.
So my question to you is, does this happen? | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:41:01 PM | Hi 2sirwithlove
Apologies in taking so long to get back to you and your question..had a very sick computer and only got it back today after making the very nice man at the computer hospital very rich !!!
See message 65 and 66 of this thread on page 2 or 3 regarding growth after death and yes it is a old wives tale...
Cheers | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:49:19 PM | Hi HawaiiUncle...
Mm thankyou..not amazing... I just love the job...its like all jobs...after a rough week, we go down the pub with the boys and have a few...just to chill, relax...and sometimes we do need to talk about work to debrief. Occassionally a death will come along and really get you....wipe you for whatever reason and thats when you really need the people at work to support you and they do...but just like all you do..but Im no different...I do what you do..go the movies, study, chat on the computer, go out to the pub...I guess though the thing I do at the moment is this. Ive returned to Uni to study and Im taking a couple of extra subjects in ethics and philosophy...I guess Im trying to "find" out more about life. Im curious about "the meaning of life" "what our purpose is" etc...I tend to question more and try to understand more...because I do see so many needless and pointless deaths...and in my own heart and head I guess I try to get mroe perspective on it...so I tend to be a pretty deep thinker nowadays - read boring !!!
But bascially no different from you...the reality is that you do get used to death...and thats ok., as when the time comes for a person to use our services you dont want us like fall apart...our job is to comfort you not the other way around.!!!
Cheers | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:11:44 AM | I have been a part of various online entities for a lot of years now(not dating sites) and I have found this thread to have been one of the most interesting to read and also one of the few threads that I have actually learnt something from,,,amazing stuff. Congratulations pookie on a very concise commentary about death and what happens and also to everyone else for keeping it in the vein it was meant and to not destroy it with crap like so many serious threads have done to them..
Death to me isnt something I am scared of due to a heart issue and I dont have to plan for retirement but It was a bit weird organising my own funeral to years ago. But it had to be done as i didnt want it to fall on anyone else to do.
once again everyone awesome civilised thread
cheers all be safe and be well | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:39:50 AM | Monarogto
Thankyou for your kind words and support and I too have been pleased that this thread has not gone off topic and has been treated with the upmost respect.
I really wanted this thread to be able to help answer those questions that people do have about this topic and industry and literally were a bit worried about asking (I mean who else do you ask ? usually no-one until you need the services of a funeral director and even then your usually too distress to think clearly)...and that hopefully Ive been able to answer or at least put to rest (excuse the pun) some fears people may have.....death - sadly is the last taboo and I respect that but I also know that like anything if you approach it with common sense and knowledge, then you will often find the answers you may need in order to make informative and correct decisions based on your wants and needs and lifes situation.....and hopefully thats what I achieved....and lets face it..some people like myself have a fascination about death/dying/funerals etc and thats fine... and hopefully I have answered their questions as well.....thankyou again for your support.
Cheers
PS I think its great Monaro that you have arranged your funeral...you have done a very kind thing for your relatives, and you have played a intregal part in how they will say goodbye which will reflect the true you...I think this is fantastic and so important and very practical..its not morbid, in fact Ive had many a laugh with a person who has had the foresite to do this...Im all for it...and on that note again I stress, if you really love your family ...MAKE A WILL !!! the kindest and the most loving thing you will ever do for them...please trust me when I say this...the heartache that results from one dying intestate - is a bloody legal nitemare and is so cruel and unnecessary for your grieving family...especially with superannuation nowadays ...........MAKE A WILL !!! | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 1:32:31 AM | Ok, I have another question for you PP.
In a movie, or tv sitcom/drama/whatever such as underbelly, where lots of murders take place, so therefore there is a funeral in these shows, where is the coffin, that is used for the show from?
Is it from a funeral home, obviously one would think that the coffin is empty, or packed with bricks, so if it is from a funeral home, like on donation to the movie directors/producers, does that coffin get returned or is it used once in the movie/tv show and then thrown into the garbage? | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:29:56 AM | regarding viewing the deceased (i know - last page - but i just caught up with this thread) - when my dad passed away , my kids , my mum and myself were with him and had the opportunity to spend some time with him after (still makes me bawl though)
and then after that i stayed and helped to remove all the life support stuff and monitors, so we had plenty of time to say all our goodbyes, so when the funeral directors asked if we wanted to "view" him we felt we had already said all our goodbyes and didnt need to do that- would have been different if we hadnt already though.
btw pookie thanks you have answered stuff that a young friend of mine was asking about cremation-glad to be able to give him a definitive answer!! | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:53:35 AM | Hi 2sirwithlove
Thanks for your question.
I used to work for a large funeral home in Melbourne who used to loan out their coffins/caskets for exactly that reason for TVv shows etc. (living in Victoria...whats Underbelly ???) These coffins came from the selection room (that is the room where people select which coffin they wish for the decease's funeral) these coffins are never used or sold to the public, they are for display only.
When the coffin is returned it is put back into the selection room
Some producers do fill the coffins with "bricks" etc for authenticity to make the coffin look heavy for when they carry the coffin and if your good funeral director you will be able to spot if that is the case , cause you can tell the way the "pallbearers"/actors carry the coffin.
This same funeral home I worked for also used to hire their hearses out for TV commercials and in Victoria the current TAC adds feature these hearses
Cheers | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:14:14 AM | Your welcome Gjay1
Anything else I can help you with..please feel free to contact me...Im glad that you
stayed with your Dad...and got to do what you needed to do to say goodbye...so very important... | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:36:44 AM | | thanks pookie....yes it was so very important - dads passing was much sooner that we or he expected but at least we had that time and the funeral home did a fantastic job for us - they made an very difficult time as easy as possible | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:41:42 AM | I cannot believe I am about to ask this, but what the heck...
Some producers do fill the coffins with "bricks" etc for authenticity to make the coffin look heavy for when they carry the coffin and if your good funeral director you will be able to spot if that is the case , cause you can tell the way the "pallbearers"/actors carry the coffin
So, how heavy is a coffin? And if someone is asked to be a pallbearer, do they get given some instruction around handling and carrying it?
I've clearly watched too much TV, but all I can think of is some horrible situation of the coffin falling due to poor handling. | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 4:01:26 AM | Hi MissMj
Thanks for your question
Traditionally due to Workers Comp rules...funeral staff are no longer allowed to do a "high carry", that is carry on the shoulders, due to bad backs...sure when the deceased is famous and the media is around they will do it but if they are injured they are not covered by Workcare...
Most of the time, the deceased is wheeled from the funeral service on a coffin trolley......alot of the time the family will do the wheeling or will carry as a mark of respect . If the family elect to carry, the funeral conductor will meet with the "pallbearers" prior to the funeral service and will instruct them on how to carry, the conductor will call them forward at the end of the service and position the bearers and give final instructions so no incidents happen...Ive never seen a coffin dropped Im pleased to say..everyone is very aware of what would happen if they do and seem to put in a concentrated effort to get it rite and the funeral staff are always just behind to help out if things get a bit too much..if someone is overcome with emotion for instance... we are always there...
A average wooden coffin weights about 30-40 kgs plus the deceased, so you could be carrying approx 100 kgs at times but between 6 people most seem to manage,but as I stated few carry now, preferring to wheel which is more practical.
Cheers | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:13:21 AM | I live in the States, and was advised to check out Pookie in the Australian section. This has been very educational. THANK YOU!!! You mentioned on pg 4 msg 77... a person could be made into a 'man made diamond'... could you please go further into this? For yrs I've told my 4 sons I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread at a particular area, but this diamond idea is interesting. I have 4 sons (no daughters), so I'm not so sure a diamond ring of me is something my sons would consider wearing, but it certainly has my wheels turning. I currently have all the wedding bands of my 4 grandparents, dad, and my (still living) mother. I've been debating what to do with all that family jewelry.
My mother currently has moderate-severe dementia, and lives with me. I care for her 24/7. I'm solo on this rodeo ride. Her lawyer insisted I get her pre-paid funeral taken care of. Sure glad I did. It was weird enough... cant imagine trying to get all that taken care of... at the time of death. Luckily the family funeral home is actually a distant relative, so it was an easy process.
My goal is to keep Mother here to the very end. Not saying I will succeed with that goal, but that is my intention, for now. I am aware of Hospice Home Services in USA.
I realize the final plans should be according to the wishes of the deceased (not surviving family), and so that is what I did. I set it up in honor of what she would want for herself. But truth be told... I'm not happy about it. We suspect she has a form of dementia most doctors have never heard of. (Lewy Body Dementia) With the awareness of Alzheimers, some are agreeing to autopsy of brain for confirmed diagnosis, as well as benefit further studies. I have honored her wishes and NOT do that... but could you go into that a tad furthur? | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:06:09 AM | | Thank you so much for your thread! When I found it I woke up my 17 year old daughter and told her to come here now. She was not very happy with me until she sat and read every post. You have her dream job. I am sure she will be asking you several questions in the days to come. | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:14:58 PM | Afurneral director pookie? lol
Reminds me of the old Rodney Rude joke:
'I got sacked from a job, got sacked from a job just because I smile a lot!
I said if I can't smile a lot on the job you can get yourself another funeral director!!!' lol
Ya had to be there! lol | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:27:43 PM | Hi Springazure44
Thankyou for your questions....Yes I have a good friend in Mark04 in San Diego California who I think is acting as my agent, his been sending a few people my way (Hi Mark) as his impressed with this post...but hopefully it is educating people which is what I set out to do....and as I stated previously ..everyone has been treating this thread with respect which is great....
Well firstly diamonds made from cremains - (the technical term for human ashes) yes its quite popular now especially in the States as a memorial of your loved one. The technique was pioneered by a company called Life Gem and now there are several companies in the US who do this sort of thing...if you go to google and put in the words "diamonds made form human remains" you will find many websites about this practice and also the websites for Lifegem and another comapny called Phoenix Diamonds who are both reputable as Ive had dealings with both. On these sites they will go into detail as to how they make the diamond, costs, process etc so its probably best if you go there so I dont bore everyone with the info......however I will say this.
I had a client do this quite a few years ago when this was very much a new service. Her husband died while out cycling and was hit by a car...very young and she wanted something special to remember him by. Now cremains are made up of the deceases ashes but also of the coffin, so not all the cremain is human.....the cremains weigh approx 2-3 kgs, depending on the size of the deceased and the type of coffin they had......now my understanding is that it takes a lot of cremain to produce a reasonable sized diamond...
When this client finally got her ring back fromt he US where she sent the cremains to have it done, I was surpised at how small the diamond was....it was almost miniscule...and she even admitted to me, how tiny is was and how she was initially disappointed...I guess in my head she was going to get something the size of the Krupp diamond, so I was surprised. Now perhaps the technique has been mastered and improved since then and Im not 100 percent au fait with how they do this, but I think in order for a "decent" size diamond to be produced , a lot of other product would have to be added and therefore very little of the cremain is in there..however I could be wrong and would urge anyone to investigate this further should they be considering this process.
My own thoughts on this...mmm Im not sure, I noticed there was a poll on one website asking if you would wear a diamond made form your beloved remains....77 percent of people said yes...I lost my husband 7 years ago..and he was cremated, I took his wedding ring off and had it resized and I wear that...never occurred to me to have him made into a diamond...and I love diamonds....I do know this process is very expensive and it takes a long time for the diamond to be produced, why ? I dont know, you would have to read further. On reflection I guess its no different from wearing a locket with the deceased hair in it which many women wore for years...and I guess in some ways its prettier having a lovely ring and definately a talking point !!! I also noticed that they can also produce a diamond using pet cremains as well !!!
Im very sorry to hear about your Mom...dementia well is sucks..and in some ways is a living death. I admire your strength and courage to walk this path, but I know there are blessings each day in doing so. I know that you will find the strength each day to be there for her......you are a good daughter.
Im glad to hear your lawyer insisted ona prepaid funeral..yes it can be a bit morbid arranging it but so practical...as you know, there are so many decisions to be made and if you are somewhat prepared it will ease the burden at the time it is required and more importantly stop any in fighting which I see all the time - sadly. I just wish more people would do this...is such a kind loving thing to do, to have all your affairs in order.....trust me if you dont your family can pay for years and years afterwards.
Mmm the question you pose is a difficult one........and naturally I can only come from my point of view.
I understand for many a autopsy is a violation.....and understandble that people have this view, however I am of the view that this is at times the only way science and medicine can advance. Whenever a autopsy is held, is is done with the greatest respect in order to find the truth and answer to our questions and hopefully to help the next person who may suffer from this debiliating disease.
People who work with the dead are utterly and completely respectful. When I was at Mortuary Science school....we had to rely on donated cadavers to practice on. On the wall in the mortuary, there was a sign which said this
"Remember this too could be your mother, father, sister, brother, child, friend, lover. How would you want them treated ?"
And trust me Ive never seen anything disrepectful in this regard.
When I work with a deceased, I am mindful that they are loved being by someone, however the body is a shell, the spirit/soul/ the essence of who they are is gone.......sadly....often people will say to me, it doesnt look like Mom/Dad etc and I say thats because what made them Mom/Dad, that essence has flown...to the other world and now there is just the vessel left....
So I guess I have to say that I am pro autopsy in the name of research
The executor of the estate can always over ride the wishes of the deceased. However having said that, I always believe that the wishes of the deceased should be honored no matter how we feel...we may not agree but we do this out of respect and accordingly if her wish is not to have a autopsy, then I personally think that should be honored.
I guess at the end of the day, it comes down to what you can live with, Im all for research but not at the expense of distress.....
I hope that helps a bit.
Stay strong and well during this time..
Cheers
Pookie | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:31:53 PM | Hi Stubblesux
Thankyou for your post
Please tell your daughter she is welcome to ask as many questions as she likes and if she doesnt wish to post she can contact me privately as I have no restrictions...I too was once your 17 year old daughter and we are in good company ..Angelina Jolie did a mortuary science degree via post as she had attended a funeral when she was quite young and was unhappy with what she saw that day and thought she could do better and she started by learning mortuary skills... Now if only I could have Brad Pitt as boyfriend..then I would say we were on equal par !!!
Cheers | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:32:06 AM | I think this is the very first time I've ever read each post of a thread word for word! I worked as a nurse for a number of years so Pookie, I understand everything you've had to do and thank you for posting this.
A few weeks ago, one of the dads from my kids' school was badly injured in an accident. Being a very thoughtful man, he had made sure his family would be well cared for should he die suddenly. He had also made his wishes known about organ donation to everyone he cared about. He was on life support and declared brain dead. His wife and close family adhered to his wishes and through his generosity, two dads of young children have a chance to see their children grow up.
The parent network at school went into full swing when we found out. They say that society these days doesn't care but I beg to differ. The church hall was overflowing with homemade food (when words escape you, bring a plate) and it was standing room only during the Requiem Mass. It was a good funeral, inasmuch as a funeral can be "good". Seeing Michelle saying good-bye to the love of her life was gut-wrenching though.
Back to my being a nurse- I do remember my first ward death vividly. No-one had told me that the deceased can groan and that sometimes, their eyes will move. I didn't handle it well and I screamed "OH MY GOD, HE'S NOT DEAD". All I can say in hindsight is I am eternally grateful he was in a single room and his family were not present. And that I had wonderful, calm mentors who very quickly and gently explained to me what the deceased may or may not do.
Ah, the innocence of youth... | |
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| The Death Industry - What you always wanted to Ask !
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:47:15 PM | Hi Oosiedaisies
Thankyou for sharing that lovely story about this man that passed on......I am pleased to hear that he hade made arrangements for his family well being....naturally people think its never going to happen to them but sadly it does and if you haven't had the foresite to make a will, leave funeral instructions appoint executors , the heartache and mess that you can leave behind is overwhelming for your family, I cannot empahsise enough for one to get a will.....you may not have a lot of assets but nowadays people forget about their superannuation sitting there accumulating, but most people have jewllery, furniture, cars etc, even if they dont have a house and Ive seen horrible squabbling just over these items........
I am so pro organ donation, and that story was beautiful......two people have a chance now at a normal life thru his foresite and generosity......no doubt seeing his widow go thru what she has and will go thru is heartbreaking....this is life and this is death...it will in time come to us all and to see the community rally around this family is fantastic. I agree with you, there is still much good in all, its just that we tend to focus on the bad in all of us !!!
Yes your first "death" especially as a nurse, because in that situation you tend to see them before the funeral director gets there, can be "full ot tricks" its ok noone thought to tell me about my first death either so I got the absolute shock of my life as the corpse slowly sat up in the back of the removal van....aged 20 years that day, much to the amusement of my colleagues......you really do have to have a quirky sense of humor to survive this business...(all puns intended)
Again thanks for sharing Oopsie
Cheers | |
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