| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 3:19:57 PM | IMO trust is the very foundation of a relationship. Once it's broken it can't be repaired. I was with a cheater once. Won't ever do it again. I made myself crazy always wondering where he was and who he was with and canceling my own plans to go with him so I could keep an eye on him. I found myself leaving my job for hours at a time to track him down. It was just insanity, and I'm lucky I didn't get fired over it.
Get out of that relationship and take some time to heal. You won't be trusting of the next guy if you jump into a new relationship too soon and it's not fair to blame the new guy for what the old one did, and you will. | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 3:35:29 PM |
Msg: 24 -- Yes. Love and sex are two different things that shouldn't be confused.
Sex, when UNATTACHED to love, is strictly for physical pleasure.
HOWEVER, when it IS attached to love, it BECOMES an EXPRESSION of love, TO BE DISPLAYED **ONLY** to the loved one.
If it becomes OTHERWISE, it becomes CHEATING, and quite simply becomes a NULLIFICATION of ALL PREVIOUS EXPRESSIONS of love between the cheater and the victim. | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 3:38:19 PM | Sadly, I have yet to be involved in a long term relationship with a man who does not cheat! This is a sad statistic for me and one that makes me wonder...it must be partly me in the men that I am choosing....
It is sad, but there is so much cheating that goes on.
I do not want to believe that it will most likely happen....I just want to find someone who doesn't! ;) | |
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Stav67
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Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 29 | |
| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 3:43:48 PM | I have never and will never understand how infidelity could ever be considered anything less than the ultimate betrayal and insult. I have zero respect for anyone who cheats on a partner, and anyone who tolerates it obviously has zero respect for themself.
And please spare me any crap about how "these things happen". Nothing just happens; people make choices and act freely. In a world where we hear constant bleating about "human rights", maybe it's about time we started hearing about human responsibilities. | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 3:45:22 PM |
I am really trying to work things out but I am so paranoid all the time....it's slowly killing me. I get so frustrated.
My dear, I feel for you. I really do. The fact that it is slowly killing you is the worst feeling! I have so been there! Ultimately, the decision is up to you. Everyone's situation is different.
For me, My Ex couldn't let his affair go, and even tho' we tried to work it out (there were children involved) , he kept going back to her and I eventually kicked him out.
It took me two years to get to the place where I realized that I DESERVE better. We only stayed together for one month after I found out that he was having an affair and that month was hell for me!!! While he slept soundly next to me, I was up all night, sick to my stomach, having massive anxiety and panic attacks!!! WTF?
For me, it is much better to be without him and not have any of that fear and constant anxiety, having to wonder -where is he? Why is he late? Is he cheating? That shit was eating me up inside! Literally!
Only you can really know the answer..maybe you already know and it's too hard and painful to really see it. I wish you well and if you ever want to talk, I am here. | |
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N*Love
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Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 31 | |
| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 3:51:53 PM | I understand why you don't understand... and why he did it...
Lack of communication, trust, and loyalty sounds all too familiar.
"Msg: 24 -- Yes. Love and sex are two different things that shouldn't be confused"
Very well said..
For us who see things in this light... we communicate, trust and are loyal to OUR partners... which can only mean THEY interpret the above statement just as we do.
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 4:27:46 PM | "He has always been there for me, always complimented me, went out of his way for me, showed me his love, he puts me on the top of his list but he cheated on me and lied to me."
1. "something" is missing in the relationship (along with the ability to communicate what this is, either by one or both parties involved).
2. Or he is a psychopath.
Psychopathy is a psychological construct that describes chronic immoral and antisocial behavior.[1] The term is often used interchangeably with sociopathy[2]. Psychopathic personality disorders have been the most studied of any personality disorder. Today the term can legitimately be used in two ways. One is in the legal sense, "psychopathic personality disorder" under the Mental Health Act 1983 of the UK. The other use is as a severe form of the antisocial or dissocial personality disorder as exclusively defined by the Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R).[3] The term "psychopathy" is often confused with psychotic disorders. It is estimated that approximately 1% of the general population are psychopaths. They are overrepresented in prison systems, politics, law enforcement agencies, and law firms, and in the media.[4][5][6]
Think cause and effect here.
Every action (or in this case perhaps inaction) has a reaction.
It really is that simple. | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 9:09:45 PM | | Why cheat on someone ? Why hurt others on purpose by cheating on them? If you want to screw around...then end the relationship or better yet stay single and fill your boots. Don't stick around and make a fool out of someone while telling them you care...if they cared they would have no desire for anyone else to begin with!!!!! | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 9:29:36 PM | I saw an episode of ( series) law firm show....... in it... 1 of the lawyers drew up a faithfulness agreement.. for the wife... of a known cheater... it was stressing her worrying about his track record...
so all the things he held dear.. would become hers if he cheated....
I thought it was an interesting concept/idea....
sad it had to even be thought of.. but once he signed i guess in his mind if he thought of cheating it was listed what he would lose...
but it might solve some of societys" ME. ME... ME " society...
just imagine... if you were found to cheat.......ie contacting men/woman online in a manner you wouldnt in front of your husband or kids or parents/family..
if you actually met another and had an affair..etc..
you had to leave your home... your spouse and your kids.... basically walk away with nothing..
Now i wonder how many would cheat?...... and then realise..... when they do they are wrecking their kids family life/ kids security.. home etc.
quite prepared to make their spouse pay for their kids and lifestyle and get a car home etc.... and watch their spouse have to work hard to pay for themselves and their kids... seperate housing outings etc... and not afford too much to rebuild? all b/c 1 decided to cheat? (interesting to see how some people get so much more b/c they have custody of the kids)
nope if they knew they were choosing to walk away from their house/kids/etc.... and support themselves (and pay childsupport either male or female).... maybe just maybe they might think of this before they did..
but i think the truly selfish... would simply ask for a divorce..... fleece their spouse on behalf of their kids of course.. and then go get a new partner...
end result though... no cheating...
but no op... not all people cheat nor will they.
it comes to morals/character.. being aware before it gets too any stage even in thought..
respecting boundaries .. do exist..
smiles/peace | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/17/2008 9:31:23 PM | Cheating on your SO is absolutely unacceptable. As a previous poster stated...
I have never and will never understand how infidelity could ever be considered anything less than the ultimate betrayal and insult. I have zero respect for anyone who cheats on a partner, and anyone who tolerates it obviously has zero respect for themself.
To add to that... How can this man claim to love you so much but yet went elsewhere? And my question to you is... Do you really want to spend your time wondering all the time... When is he going to do it again? Don't make excuses for him, don't try to get past it and make it work, leave him. You will make yourself sick over it on a daily basis always wondering what he is doing and where he is... Do you want to live like that? And believe me... as crummy as it feels... you will eventually get past it and not be mistrusting of everyone you meet.
I also agree with cherry vanilla's post. If you want to screw around then just end the relationship you are in and do it. You may break someone's heart when you break up with them but why destroy them by cheating on them?
I have never cheated on anyone I have been in an exclusive relationship with... even during the roughest points of those relationships. One thing I do know and maybe it is just me... but if I truly loved someone... the thought of being with someone other then the person I loved would make my stomach turn. When you truly love someone... there is no other. Only that someone.
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/21/2008 1:38:22 PM | I know this guy cheats on his beautiful gf all the time, and brags about it to everyone who will listen.
When she comes by, she looks at me like I'm the dog.
Women confuse me. She really gets under my skin for some reason. But I wouldn't dare break the code.
I've seen and heard too much.. I expect girls to cheat on me.
I just make sure I use protection. I stopped wondering,"Why". Just wish I was lucky, like the guy I know. She cries over him.
I'm jealous loyal girls like that don't want me.
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/22/2008 11:11:46 PM | Although I would never commit a physical infidelity against my partner, I do believe that a relationship is much more intricate and complex than a set of rules could possibly define.
People get very angry about the prospect of "cheating" - but how do you define it?
- When does the "relationship" start? From a first date? second date? moving in together? marriage?
- What is the "cheating" act - talking? kissing? petting? full intercourse?
- Is it more or less "wrong" if there's an emotional attachment to the "affair"?
- How genuinely matched are you to your partner? Could you walk away just because of one "mistake", or is your relationship strong enough to overcome it?
People I've spoken to believe a variation of the above - one of the craziest I've heard being "it's cheating if you go on a first date, then go on another first date withouth breaking up with the first guy". To my mind, you don't yet have a relationship to break up from...
And to reiterate, no, I never have and never will cheat on my parter! | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/22/2008 11:38:52 PM |
"People get very angry about the prospect of "cheating" - but how do you define it?
"When does the "relationship" start? From a first date? second date? moving in together? marriage?"
The "relationship" begins when it is agreed to be "exclusive."
"What is the "cheating" act - talking? kissing? petting? full intercourse?"
There have to be levels of infidelity. My ex and I used to go dancing; she accepted dances with other men, and I didn't object, because we had attained a level of trust. However, we usually left for home shortly after I accepted a dance with another woman.
"Is it more or less "wrong" if there's an emotional attachment to the "affair"?
When it comes down to it- not really. Which is worse- "I had sex with someone I just met and don't care about?" Or, "I had sex with someone who may become more important than you?"
Both say "I care more about my own desires than how this will affect you."
"How genuinely matched are you to your partner? Could you walk away just because of one "mistake", or is your relationship strong enough to overcome it?
Obviously, your "relationship" is a sham if your partner thinks so little of you they look for sexual and/or emotional gratification elsewhere. I say one strike and you're history. | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/23/2008 12:00:59 AM | It takes two people to have a relationship. If one of you does not care to protect that relationship, then it does not exist.
YOU are in it alone. It DOES take two. Your chemistry together is being repeated with others. What is so special about what you have? Nothing. If he cared for you, he would protect what he has with you. Obviously this is not the case. AND IT WILL NOT CHANGE. NOT WITHOUT A LOT OF THERAPY.
You will be tortured forever, waiting for the nest woman to enter into the mix. And she will be there. This need he has, is not just male hormones. Its all about his self esteem. He has the ability to feel the desire for others and not submit to it. He needs the other women to make him feel like a man. Why? Maybe he needs to feel he is living on the edge. You know - pushing his limits. Being a man. Now how he got to think this way, is his story to tell.
Unfortunately this behavior is very self destructive. If you put up with it, be prepared for a great deal of pain.
Good luck. There are decent men out there who have not confused multiple partners with their masculinity. Keep looking.
Or be an enabler.
Your call. | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/23/2008 12:27:21 AM | Well I think a few of us need to brush up on history just a little more. Plain and simply our promiscuity remains unchanged though out history. There was just as much messing aroung when the cavemen were here then at any other times in history. Check your bible and or read up on ancient Rome or the Byzantine empire to site a few example. What is really going on is that Cheating goes in and out of style depending on who's in charge at the time. Probably not a good idea to cheat on your spouse in the days of the Spanish Inquisition or you might get the rack. Try it a few hundred years later when the colonies are trying to build a nation and it wasn't all that bad. Then there was the 1950's and the hayday of nuclear family when divorce was something that you talked about in dark alleys.
Today I'm afraid it's back in style, but it won't last long. But that almost brings up the point, who are you going to vote for this next election? Are you liberal about it? You see what I mean... | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/23/2008 12:32:26 AM |
I tell myself he is worth it because when we are together and I put all the bs aside, we have a great relationship. We have great chemistry and I figure the way things are today, everyone is bound to stray and if I break up with him and get into another relationship, I will be just as paranoid that the new person I am with will be doing the same thing. So why not just stay with the guy I love, whose love I feel and would do anything for me....but know that there is a very big chance he will do it again...maybe I can just look the other way? Is that a stupid way to think or what?
Your pain shows in your post. It is saddening to read because like you, most of us have, at one time or another, had to decide what we could live with. Not one of us can tell you what price you are prepared to pay for your peace OP. But.. when I read the above paragraph that I've quoted, I see the workings of my own mind when I was trying to avoid the pain of having to let go of someone I loved. It is obvious in these thoughts that you are trying to find reasons that make it okay to stay.
The brain is a wonderful thing OP. It knows that if we think or believe certain things, we are going to feel the pain and heartache that comes with those thoughts. So, a good brain will start to come up with reasons to stay so that you don't have to go through the pain. It will tell you to start thinking, "It's okay cause that's what everybody is doing" or "we can't expect faithfulness in this me-centred world so I'll just get rid of that expectation". The brain will also try to hide any glaring realities by saying, "Well it was probably a one time thing and he won't do it again".
Unfortunately, when someone considers faithfulness to be fairly low on the totem pole of values, chances are really good, they aren't going to change. With this in mind OP, the question becomes, are you going to twist what is obviously important to you into a pretzel to avoid the pain? If so, can you accept even more pain when he does it again?
This is your opportunity to find out how willing you are to bend your own values to be with someone you care about who obviously doesn't share your values. It's a blessing because the more you can learn about yourself and what you need to be comfortable and happy, the more chance you have of finding the true love who does share your values. I wish you that... | |
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| Cheating: Should we start excepting the fact that it will most likely happen nowadays?
Posted: 4/23/2008 3:09:56 AM | To OP: Trust, love, faithful...relationships are none of that. Relationships are politics. It's about power, who's got it and who is using it to their own advantage.
In fact, you can use trust, love, and faith to mentally enslave someone. The person who believes in that is much easier to cheat on and control than someone who doesn't. Your boyfriend knows that you are too trusting and naive. You won't break up with him because he holds the keys to your trust and faith. Without him, you won't have those feelings anymore. | |
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