| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/17/2008 10:49:31 PM |
LOL! Okay smart guy...HOW do you answer this:
"Do these pants make my ass look fat?"
Not the same situation at all. Everybody knows the answer to that question is "no, your ass makes those pants look fat". Because she is asking a question to which she does not want the answer.
OP is asking about volunteering the criticism, because he thinks her ass is fat. She might be perfectly happy with her ass, and might not think her weight is a flaw at all.
Even if she does, it is his role as her lover to accept her as she is, and support her when she makes the effort to change. It's not up to him to point out what he thinks she should change.
His point of view can't really be considered accurate, what with his head up his a$$ & all. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/17/2008 11:29:29 PM | daspark wrote:
I was wondering if it was okay?... the mental ones or the physical ones?...
During the dating stage, it's perhaps best to limits one's critique to only those
situations which will impact you directly. And so, for example, if your girlfriend
was perpetually late for dates, this might be a time to point out that you would
appreciate your own time being respected. Or perhaps if she parties too much,
you might point out to her that you're perhaps not comfortable with this and
don't want to get into a pattern where there's too much of this lifestyle going on.
Now things shift a bit when folks have been in a longer term relationship because
presumably they have become each others best friend (or at least very good
friend) and with those who are nearest and dearest to us, we might from time
to time, lovingly, (but sparingly) confront them about some aspect of their life.
But that, however, is quite a bit different then the earlier parts of a courtship
where, if you're not mostly accepting of the person you're with, then perhaps
it's otherwise just time to be with someone else where you can be more accepting
of them.
So if you're going to point out your partner's flaws at this stage of the game,
then perhaps just limit your critiquing to only those aspects which directly
impact you. And even at that, when confronting, only do so from a place
of humility, and not from a place of arrogance, from the humbleness of
not quite being sure if it's better to confront someone or otherwise
let them follow their own path, rather than at at leveling criticisms in
a shoot from the hips sort of manner.
me personally i would be okay if a girlfriend told me how i can improve something about myself ,that would make me and her happier ,ONLY if i knew she
would love me reguardless and if she didn't bring it up every chance she got,
Well, it's good if you're mature enough that you are open to the idea of improving
yourself by taking critique from someone who is near and dear to you.
But again, while in the courtship stage, tread very carefully with this one if you
are even thinking about offering critique yourself.
You perhaps might do this -- again, only sparingly -- if your relationship has
progressed enough that you are have earned a place in her mind of being her
best friend. But until such time, if there is some aspect of her character you
feel might need improvement, than better than being her critic is to otherwise
simply quietly be her role model... just more quietly leading by your own
good example.
And why is this of good use? Well, there is an old Polish Proverb which says,
"You end up resembling the company you keep." And with that in mind,
your own good example is perhaps the best way to inspire others around
you to somewhat resemble your own good practices.
....so then at some point if i thought she would look better thinner..i would
say something like..."Honey i care about you and think your very attractive,
but i think if you loss about 30lbs you would be prettier".....would that type
of thing be a no no if your dating?
Rather than confronting her about this, again, it would otherwise simply
be best to only more quietly lead by your own good example.
So go for walks together more often. Or invite her to participate in recreational
activities which you yourself perhaps most enjoy... perhaps swimming, or
hiking, or signing up for co-ed volleyball, or going in-line skating, or skiing,
or whatever. Adopting the lifestyle of these activities will either have her join
you (which effectively better accomplished the goal you speak of here) or else
discover that perhaps the two of you are not as compatible as you otherwise
first thought.
So, simply put, put duct tape on the mouth, and be active. And by quietly
leading by your own good example, this much better than ever at all saying
even a word to her about her weight.
Hope that perspective is of some help,
Apolinary | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/17/2008 11:46:18 PM | OPie, you should also point out that she's too stupid to know she's fat. That would help a lot.
Whatteryou thinkin' bunky?
Do her a favor: accept her (really accept her) as she is. Or go away.
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 12:57:29 AM | | Now the stuff that's difficult to here. You know that the "flaws" you are picking out in someone else are just projections of what are your own "flaws". Be who you want to be and let the other person be who they want to be instead of trying to force on them who you think the other "should" be so you can be happy with yourself... No one has ever been happy trying to be someone else even if they mildy let themself be convinced it was for the "best" to make the relationship work out. Both of you will end up spending the relationship half-heartedly always trying to pretend to be what you think they want you to be instead of yourself. Plus if you truly care about someone, you would only want them to be whatever the highest choice of they want to be themselves... | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 2:43:54 AM | Yes, because you don't have enough problems already, and intentionally trying to piss off the only person at the moment that actually WANTS to be with you is the smartest thing you can do right now.
Truth and Honesty. A life better lived with it, otherwise, you are a Lawyer.
The only question is not WHAT you want to point out, but HOW you want to point it out.
If you are a woman and want to do it, do so immediately after sex and before he raids the 'fridge/sleeps.
If you are a man, you are officially shit outta luck if you currently like having sex with her. Trade that model in, there is no 800 number you can call to get that model repaired. Dell doesn't make housecalls for hardware swaps either for this type of thing.
Not even Sears will touch this shit. Divorce Attorneys will, for a nominal fee. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 2:48:35 AM | | You accepted the peson as they are/were, so i wouldnt go complaining, unless its something they didnt bother telling you about or its a habbit they have that anoys you. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 3:03:28 AM | OMG Spark! How old are you? I hope you're really young and don't know better! Do you know how long it takes a lot of women to finally be okay with themselves? When you're with someone you care about, you build them up, not break them down! I don't care how you put it, there is no "nice" way to tell someone they're fat. If her weight is a problem for you, you shouldn't be with her!
So, how's that six-pack coming? I'm sure you'd look a lot better if you had one! It's just as hard for some women to drop 30 pounds as it is for a man to work out enough to get that elusive six-pack. If you're comfortable with yourself the way you are, is it really worth all that effort? | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 3:36:31 AM | If anyone suggested I lose weight to make me prettier, I'd tell them to piss off. Health reasons are one thing, becoming prettier is another.
Aside from that, flaws are subjective anyway. The idea is to be with someone that isn't bothered by you, is kookoo for you just as you are, and won't keep changing the terms on you. I think that once you start with the "if you'll only do this, I'll like you more" crap, it will never end. It's so much easier, natural and fulfilling to be with someone that doesn't need you to keep changing to suit their stagnant, restless selves. :) | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 3:49:24 AM | OP wrote:
****** ..."Honey i care about you and think your very attractive, but i think if you loss about 30lbs you would be prettier" ******
LOL Are you serious? Absolutely not! Here you are tearing someone down and thinking that's going to make her feel good enough about herself to try and lose weight? lol Most likely she will feel worse about herself and that will make her gain more.
It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Instead, why not get a couple memberships to the gym and tell her you hate working out alone? Why not go for a walk after dinner every night? Most of all, why not love her for who and what she is, and if the weight bothers you and it's one of those issues you can't get past, set her free to meet someone who WILL appreciate and love her for who she is.
Sharzi | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:00:18 AM |
The thing is if you point out someones flaws it makes them defensive but you probably have good intentions, who wants to see their loved one being unhealthy.
Problem with this is that the OP never mentioned her being more healthy....he simply wants her to be "PRETTIER".
You can point out my flaws if you want to, but you better be prepared to have your own pointed out.
Geeez, you lookin' to be alone????? | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:19:55 AM | | Generally not. However, it IS ok for your partner to tell you about your flaws if you ask them to. But you have to accept whatever they say!! Can you do that? if not, then don't go there. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:22:06 AM | Re the Opost:
Is it alright to point out your partner's flaws?
No, unless when it is in a 50-50 long term partnership.
But even then, if those flaws were there when the "partnership" started/agreed, then the other partner has no due cause for later asking for those flaws to be fixed, because they were de facto part of the implicit "partnership agreement". Unless there are such explicit clauses in the implicit partnership agreement.
That is the trouble with "partnerships". lol | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:31:11 AM | | Honestly, if you have to ask this question, I don't think you've got enough judgement to date. I don't know what to tell you. Would you say something like that to a friend as well? How is that working out for you? | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:38:00 AM | re: mess. 38...very well put nick!
"implicit partnership agreements" 101.
when we think each other is too fat, thin, hyper, lazy, angry, sad, controlling, etc., etc., etc., we get to tell each other...or....we don't get to tell each other.
(course some of those examples are more superficial than others, but it still comes down to balancing the degree of honesty with the consequences for what we say and how we say it.)
agreements are agreements after all....as long as you both agree on them in a partnership. has she agreed to this, op?
p.s. no matter how kindly you think you could put it, she is probably not going to take it kindly, as pretty much everyone here has told you. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:51:09 AM | Heck it's not okay! I believe people should take a good look at themselves in a mirror and focus on their own individual flaws and ways on improving them before they go pointing out another person's flaws to them. In relationships, individuals should not try and change each other.
..."Honey i care about you and think your very attractive, but i think if you loss about 30lbs you would be prettier".....would that type of thing be a no no if your dating?
That comment you made is an insult and a huge no no. A guy who says something like that to a female deserves to be shown the door and fast. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 5:24:21 AM | you have made fatal mistake of mixing up helpful criticism with your own sexual tastes..
if a woman says to me "you talk too much...don't ever listen properly and are too ****ing opinionated.... and some people might get upset when you are too cutting"... that is maybe providing me with helpful insight..
If i say "have you thought about sitting around all day stuffing your self with food because i like a woman with a great big fat sexy arse"
...that is all about me and my thing...
To be totally honest ...hope i can get away with this ...but the truth is you are at the kindly sex with children end of the psychological spectrum... it does not matter how many people agree that your approach is right or say that it is wrong... it is simply not part of a equal and happy relationship... | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 5:42:31 AM | depends on how you go about pointing out those flaws because to bluntly list them isn't cool.... to mention them you should do so gently and always offer a solution or alternative way for them to react.
I'd say overall, you should concentrate on your own flaws and not point out others flaws.... especcially your lovers. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 5:43:34 AM | I think rather than pointing out a partner's flaws -- which does NOT bring you closer together -- focus on those things you love and admire about her.
Your desire to change and perfect someone else is actually your flaw.
Work on YOU. Acceptance and appreciation of others is great place to start. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 5:45:15 AM |
Most overweight people don't CHOOSE to be overweight.
Sorry - yes they do. Before you start calling me insensitive, I have been heavily overweight and went through all the "it's not my fault excuses." If your partner sees you sitting around and eating, then you cannot deny it's your fault you're overweight.
To the OP, it really depends on your relationship and the person. When I was overweight, I knew it and really didn't need him to point it out - it would have just made me feel even worse about it. You can suggest a healthier lifestyle together but just telling them that they would look better if they lost weight will not make this happen. My husband has been told by me to tell me if he can see I am gaining weight because he can tell before I can, but he would never do this unless I asked him to. I am pretty inclined to expect people to either accept me the way I am or not - do not ask me to change for you. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:25:42 AM | Really?
I learned that women don't take insults like men do..
So how would a man respond if you told him he would be prettier without a beer belly?
How would you feel if the love of your life said that she would find you sexier if you were better endowed, lasted longer, before you went bald, didn't have moobs?.... Were as good in the sack as her ex, or that brutal honesty is often used to excuse words that are thoughtless, unkind and insensitive? | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:31:38 AM | Old soul, this is very true. My sister-in-law smoked when she met my brother. He initially bugged her about it but one day, never said another word. When he got off her back, she realized that she wanted to quit for both of them and the children they were planning to have. She doesn't recall it even being hard to do.
I started seeing someone and he seemed to like me just exactly the way I was. But after a time, he was trying to get me to cut back my work hours and to quit smoking which I have since done. But I knew, it was more self-serving than having anything to do with my health and well-being. He wanted me healthy but he didn't want to be around the smoke and he didn't want me working so much because that meant less time with him.
It is the spirit behind something that makes it a criticism or a show of support. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:38:37 AM | I wouldn't tell your gf she needs to lose 30 pounds if I were you!! You could tell her you want the two of you to be more active and start getting into exercise together. Start doing situps and stuff with her, spot each other, at least then you'll be getting the ball rolling!
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:25:09 AM | ^^Excellent idea. Do not tell her about her weight, if she is that much overweight, she is probably well aware of it and doesn't need to hear it from you. Years ago, I had a beau who was overweight and we both loved food. I went on an exercise kick and started walking in the evening, cooking healthier meals and had him go along with me. It worked great for both of us and I could now benefit from what I did.  | |
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