| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 1:56:13 PM | Yes but only if your health coverage is paid up and current 
But I'm chronically honest. If a woman asks me "do these jeans make my butt look fat"? I'm going to say "no, but your butt does" LOL....then run like hell. Just kiddin'. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 2:35:03 PM | There is no need in pointing out your partner's flaws. That is the whole point that you are talking to them, because you accepted their whole package. Just like the grocery store. You go to the tomato aisle and play with the tomatoes- squeeze them, rub them, see how red they are. If one does not suit your need, you keep squeezing until you find the right one.
Can't make one be another!!! | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:01:33 PM | Ah, the truth comes out. The endless refrain about "honesty" being the most important thing in a relationship is - at best - self-deception by some of those who bleat about it. Tell her you're concerned for health reasons? Come on. If that IS the concern, yes, say it, but if it IS because you think she (or he) would look better (and be happier and be more fun - oh, I have nothing to wear! - oh, I'm fat! - oh, leave me alone! ), THAT'S what should be said. Without it turning back against the teller as some kind of crime against humanity.
Let's really be honest, here. By the time MOST men would even dare suggest such a outrage as "you'd be prettier if you lost 30 pounds," the object of his desire has probably gained 50 or 60 pounds. MOST men and MOST women (of course there's a minority who have stident and brutal preferences) aren't going to lose the "visual" attraction for an honest 10 or 20 or 30 pounds over a few years or decades. Unfortunately, the libido-challenging 30 pounds is quite likely to turn into a libido-killing 60 or 90 or 120 pounds if nothing is said. So, here we have two people who sincerely like and/or love one another playing stupid tippy-toes games as they slowly, sadly slide away from passion. Who's the winner here? Neither.
OK, I know darn well it's a POF "rule" that a relatively thin person has no right to comment on "weight" threads. And a smoker (as I am) has no right to comment on "health" threads.
Too bad. I'm a relatively thin person who knows full well that 30 pounds can climb up on someone over a few years (I've been about 30 pounds heavier than I am now), and also know that I'd rather tackle 30 pounds than 50 or 100. Thirty pounds, to make the man I loved happy, is - what? - two or three months of MINIMAL effort.
I'll try another example. As a smoker, I hesitate slightly to date non-smokers. So far, I've been lucky, and those particular men weren't turned off by the VERY REAL physical manifestations. But ... let's say a guy I met and dated really, REALLY liked me, and at first was overcome by passion and later TRIED to overcome his distaste for the PHYSICAL reality of me being a smoker. He likes me. Maybe is moving toward love ... but ... but, kissing me starts to be a problem.
Should he blather on about his concern for the health risks? Please. I'm a literate and fairly intelligent person. I KNOW the health risks, as do most overweight people, and for one reason or another, I've made my choice. But if he honestly told me his DESIRE to kiss me and be intimate and boink my brains out were being challenged, if I in return wanted him enough, yes, that would inspire me to first mitigate, and if that fails, quit.
Tell the truth. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:15:23 PM | I think that's a perfectly valid question, and you have every right to ask, but be sure to give me her phone number so I can console her after she kicks you to the curb.
Flowers, chocolates, and duct tape will fix anything but a stupid man. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:27:59 PM | | Only if it's done with humor! I love to tease and as far as I'm concerned anything is fair game when it's in good fun. But if someone is really sensitive about something, that's definitely off limits. And to be honest, if I do something annoying that bothers my partner, I'd rather know about it than go through life oblivious, because I *will* try to change things if it's something I can easily fix. If however they constantly nag me about something that I already know is a problem and struggle with on my own...that most definitely is not appreciated. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:35:46 PM |
Unfortunately, the libido-challenging 30 pounds is quite likely to turn into a libido-killing 60 or 90 or 120 pounds if nothing is said. So, here we have two people who sincerely like and/or love one another playing stupid tippy-toes games as they slowly, sadly slide away from passion. Who's the winner here? Neither.
Well, that's all well and good but the simple fact is that just telling someone about their flaws simply is not helpful....and generally just leads to hurt feelings and anger, because it implies they are not smart enough to figure it out on their own. For instance, if my partner constantly nagged me about 30 pounds and went on and on about the health risks...I'd get pretty peeved at them in short order. If however, they invited me to go to the gym with them, or to drive out to do some hiking, ride bikes together, help fix some low-cal meals, etc. that is a far better approach to helping me solve the problem without seeming judgmental. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:55:25 PM |
So, how's that six-pack coming? I'm sure you'd look a lot better if you had one! It's just as hard for some women to drop 30 pounds as it is for a man to work out enough to get that elusive six-pack. If you're comfortable with yourself the way you are, is it really worth all that effort?
There is also such thing as looking really good. You get that six pack and it's not all what you might think it is. Mostly the women you end up attracting, though "hot" no doubt, have very little depth to themselves for much of a meaningful relationship as they tend to be a bit on the superficial side. And also from what I've seen and what's described by many woman I've heard, is they are really self conscious about their physical appearance, especially weight. Though it's not like I carry a bathroom scale with me on a keychain. I've known athletic women that are a bit on the heavy side due to muscle, yet hardly 2% body fat. But a really good looking guy with a six-pack can be intimidating to many women as they think they wouldn't be good looking enough to even be seen sitting next to a guy like that. Got almost a 6-pack myself, right now at 4 so far so kinda weird... | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/19/2008 4:20:57 PM | hm got me thinking.....if she were to loose that weight..she might just go and find someone else to appreciate and accept her for who she is...careful what you wish for. instead of telling her....try encouraging her and not with words either.... take up some active events together...get her involved because you think it would be fun to do it together..like walking, biking, hikes, bowling, and etc. the more my ex harped on my weight or something else, the more i ignored him and got depressed with his criticisms...well flash news...it didnt work....he went bouts it the wrong way.
we all know its better to be healthy and not everything you do will work for someone else, just dont harp on it...motivate and encourage her instead and dont ferget the praises...it boosts their ego and we all liked to be appreciated. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/19/2008 5:13:32 PM | Oh yes, go for it *daspark*, I wanna watch this, I would PAY to watch this one.
Do you have a deathwish? Health insurance paid up? Apparently you aren't happy with the person you are dating? Or are you getting pointers for the future? In that case, please pre-plan your funeral arrangements because frankly I don't know if you can sensitively pull off any of what you are thinking. Afterthought: make sure dental coverage is also paid up.
And you ask "that would make me and her happier...."............well, why didn't you do it in the first place if it would make you happier, why wait till she has to ask?
And you say, "and if she didn't bring it up every chance she got".......Oh, boy, good luck on THAT one..........~lauugghhinngg~
I learned a long time ago.........Never ask a question unless you already know the answer.....re: BLUESMANS butt question. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:55:33 AM | | if any boyfriend of mine EVER told me i'd look better 30lbs lighter i... i don't know what i'd do. i'd probably go into a blind rage and wake up surrounded by padded walls and not sure what happened. how can you think that's an ok thing to say? if you love someone then you shouldn't want to change things about them to make them 'prettier' or whatever. and that "i would be okay if a girlfriend told me how i can improve something" is such BULL if your lady turned round and said to you 'i think you'd be more attractive with rockhard abs, bulging biceps and a more squared jaw- but i love you anyway' you could not consider that constructive criticism. Those 'flaws' aren't flaws, they're who that person is so you saying stuff like that is just chipping at self confidence for no good reason but your own selfish insecurities. give it a rest. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:22:40 PM | | If it is matters of rudeness or inconsideration, I have no trouble pointing it out. It is important to have an awareness of one another's feelings. After all, we are human, not robots. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:34:23 PM | There is a Huge difference between being Honest and being Judgemental.
I wrote a whole lot more blahblahblah .. then decided to delete it, cuz really . .. You're just being judgemental. Are you perfect?
A.S.is
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/20/2008 3:21:34 PM | | No. It's a bad idea to point out a one's flaws,even if they say it's ok,because they don't forget what you said! If you're not happy with the way a person is,leave the relationship! | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/20/2008 3:34:18 PM | | People aren't blind. . .I know what my flaws are, the majority of people out there do. But if my partner, the one person who's supposed to love me and accept me come hell or high water, said something like that to me, I would slap him into next YEAR. You don't point out flaws, you accept them and move on. That's part of what love is. No one's perfect. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:48:53 PM | | Love them for who they are or don't love them at all. Be very selective about who you start relationships with and you won't have to ask such questions. Put still another way, don't try to change people. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:16:12 PM | | Apparently it is pretty "trendy" to critique and change someone you date these days and constantly advice them to improve themselve....I personally think it is tacky....I haven't had this happen to me personally accept one guy I date years ago I cut my hair short for him...turned out okay.... I tend to steer away from personalities like this....but you see it all the time on tv....I myself tend to get to know someone from the inside out first and only after I've known them a long while would I ever dare to say something to suggest improving their appearance......and when I do...I do it in a kind gentle way that is effective....I've known couple of guys that just seem to hang on the suggestions of others...ie about hair cuts...etc.....I suppose I'm a lil stubborn about things , but like to make changes when im comfortable with them.... | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:25:25 PM |
I was wondering if it was okay?... the mental ones or the physical ones?....
Well, clearly you haven't lived with many women. If you had, you'd know that only WOMEN are allowed to try to fix any flaws in their partners.
It's can be a lot of fun, though, once you understand the game. See, women will just go buy you clothes they think you'll like. Very subtle.
I'm subtle too. I prefer something like, " Honey there's something I've been meaning to tell you about your butt.... er... never mind." It's best to go wash the car after that, but with practice, there are all sorts of laughs to be had. | |
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