| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/10/2008 5:02:34 PM | | Men select and marry the women he wants (and they'll gain 30lbs in the first 5 yrs 95% of the time), and women marry the man they think they can change into what they want! Kinda like turning water into blood, only God can do that! So if women feel it's ok to remind us to eat with utensils and not fart in public, i think it's pefectly fair we let them know they're gettin chubby! AND, if you have to ask if your butt looks too big in those pants, it does! | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/10/2008 5:18:53 PM | Definitely! Specially dating...
And don't forget, instead to point out the reasons you're attracted to her, to remain her about the wrinkles, or the strecht marks, or how awful is the dress she picked up to go out with you, the bad taste on music, not wearing thongs, the grossness of peeing in the shower and all those importants deal-breaker for a relationship.
To tell her she looks fat, should be the least of your worries. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:01:52 PM | The mental flaws are the only ones where discussion on the topic should even be considered IMO, the reason is that you don't necessarily know all of a persons personality traits the moment you see them. It takes time to figure those things out and as you do if they are things you find they might be amenable to change then go for it.
Physical "flaws" shouldn't be tolerated in your "partner" in the first place. Before I get executed for that statement let me explain. Why would you start a relationship (you said "dating") with someone who you are not 100% physically attracted to only to try and get them to change to what you want? People are not canvases to be painted by others, they are canvases to be painted by themselves. Find yourself a canvas that already has the painting that pleases you on it and then continue from there. Now if you get in a relationship with someone who WAS a certain way when you started and then as time passes they gain some weight , as long as they were aware that a part of your attraction was physical they should be willing to maintain their shape to please you. As long as the initial understanding was made, they would have the incentive and that is all you'd need if they are a person that practices reciprocity. In this case again, the key is not trying to change but to ensure that the qualities you desire are there in the beginning...if for example , both of you are into fitness and working out when you first meet then you don't have to worry about hubby exploding over time as they would likely want to stay fit as much as you want them to! More importantly, you can be there to guide them along the way sharing the journey and strengthening the relationship as a result. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/10/2008 8:09:21 PM | In regards to weight issues, its never easy to discuss in a relationship, however i think once married maybe.
I have pointed out flaws, but never physical flaws, always in regards to how to better the relationship and should be in a positive way...i know its kinda hard considering we're discussing a negative issue,....right. its tricky alright. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:37:09 PM |
It takes time to figure those things out and as you do if they are things you find they might be amenable to change then go for it.
Go for it? I don't see trying to change someone's personality. I would pretty much guess what you see is what you get and either choose to accept or not.
People evolve, grow and mature based on experiences and influences -- yes -- but to try and manipulate an outcome lacks respect and will prove destructive to you both. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:14:09 AM | "How can you possibly believe that changing someone else will make you happy." So why bother mentioning it.
Can't for the life of me remember where I read this, but it has always stuck with me. Kinda sucks when they're almost perfect eh? | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:39:12 AM | | we all have flaws..pointing them out..especially to a woman..is a death sentence..encourage her thru postive feedback....women don't believe in constructive criticism..and it took me thousands of $$$ with a psychiatrist to understand that. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:54:13 AM | janet4ever,
the key qualification in that statement was
" if they are things you find amenable to change then go for it."
I don't recommend it lightly, in the context of the rest of my post ensuring that the persons personality is "like yours" in this way(not having an issue with the suggestion) from the beginning would determine if you should even try. I wouldn't call it an attempt at "change" but more an attempt to seek compromise in a relationship that both already find mutually beneficial.
Just to clarify. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:04:27 AM | | everyone has flaws. rather than focus on flaws, point out what is good about your partner (that is why you are together, right?). you'll get a lot further this way than focussing on flaws. Focus on your own flaws and how you are going to improve yourself. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 8:26:44 AM | There's a right way and a wrong way. If it's right, it's done with love and concern and the knowledge that you care for that person even if the flaws never go away. When it's wrong, it is angry and conditional love.
For example, in my marriage, my husband wanted me to be more outgoing and optimistic. Instead of saying it nicely, and loving me anyway for my good points, he'd become very angry. He'd say things like "you have to change, I don't like you the way you are." (Or worse!) That is just mean. If he married me and supposedly loved me, he should have loved me for who I was. If you can't love someone for who they are NOW, end it. It isn't your job to change someone, and it is demeaning to them to hate them for who they are. It is also cruel to lead someone on if you know you can't stand them in the long run. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:23:13 AM | reading that again , I see my intention didn't come across I should have typed
"if they(the qualities that need to be compromised on) are things they(your partner) find amenable to change then go for it."
that "you" in the first statement implies trying to change unconditionally without regard to the others feelings which I'd never advocate and also explains the responses. ;)
my mistake, all. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:46:34 PM | OP, the questions isn't "is it all right" but rather "will it be productive". Most of the time, the answer is no. Things like weight for example "hey baby, you've been putting on weight" does no good. What? You think she doesn't know she's putting on weight? She probably knew before you did. "Hey baby, you are turning into a real **** these days, you should probably see a doctor and go on some meds for that" also isn't going to be productive. It really doesn't matter what words you use either. These type of issues never go over well.
Now, there are ways to work around this if you are good. A suggestion that you are going to start working on getting in better shape and would like it if she would join the gym with you so you can spend more time together, is much more likely to go over than any mention of weight. Or, a present of bicycles for both of you, or anything like that might work. A mention of how you notice she doesn't seem happy lately and you are wondering if there is anything you can do to help is much more productive than mentioning she's flying off the handle.
Should you have to go through all of that? Maybe not but if you want to be productive, you will find it helps. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:17:45 PM | BUT???? Why does there have to be a BUT??? If he REALLY found you attractive and was so attracted to you .... not just physically but mentally speaking as well.. Where is the But coming from? And you are DATING? What happens if things progress and you get into a deep relationship.. or even marriage? God forbid what he may say to you then..
That is def a sign of disaster.. and hurting your self esteem, I think.
No man should ever make you feel that way.
I think it's terrible.
I hope this helps you in some way and you see this ...
LEt us know how you make out ok
april | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:23:16 PM |
@daspark....not acceptable! like i have said to many..i am who i am...so dont try to make me something I'm not. if I wanted to change, I would do it for me, not for anyone else.
Amen, Sister! I'm perfectly aware of my flaws and I don't need to have them pointed out. I don't criticize or try to change others. I figure if they can't accept me for who I am then they aren't the person I want to get into a relationship with. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:35:31 PM | | I guess that all depends on how secure your partner happens to be. I tend to view the identification of my insecurities as a strength and, no doubt, there are many other flaws that I could address. Still, it is probably better to err on the side of caution unless it impacts your relationship. | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:37:18 PM | Dude, there's no right answer to sh*t like that.....Women atypically will throw that question around for the sole reason, that I personally believe, just to see us (males) squirm like a worm on a hook. It's that simple. Is there a way to escape this? Not really. Honestly, it's one of those "Damned if you and damned if you don't" kinda things...it sucks....but it's the nature of the beast.
Of course, this all goes back to the whole idea of something a friend of mine said years ago "Women are the root of all evil". Is it true? Well, honestly, that's something for you to decide yourself.
Yes, we, men, are more blunt and straightforward in what we say, however, women, atypically "nuke" it. Meaning they will search and search for some sort of strange and savage underlying meaning in anything and everything we say just for the sole sake of doing so. I've no idea why. It's one of those strange and bizarre woman "double-speak" campaigns that they love to seek out and engage in even when there is nothing more to be read in such a statement.
The bottom line is, friend, that we have male gentalia, and the simple fact of the matter is that we, as a species, will always be bloody wrong. Once you accept that, believe you me mate, life becomes so much simpler to understand.
That's my thoughts, so I will probably be engaged with heartfelt hatred for saying what's on me mind, and I'm willing to accept that.
I've been to war...honestly ladies, you ain't got sh*t on me....bottom line.....So bring it.....
-Thanks, and have a good evening in your weirdnes ladies... | |
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| Is it alright to point out your partners flaws?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:49:54 PM | I've been on the receiving end of that. I appreciated the input!
Genuinely I did and I'm thankful for the improvements it allowed
me to make. But enough is enough! When you are with a
hyper critical person, there is a limit! Especially, when you realize
the fundamental problem lies more with the critical individual then
with you! When you have had numerous relationships, and no one
ever brought up the things that your new partner does, it certainly
gets one to thinking. There is also a VERY fine line between constructive
criticism and nagging! | |
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