| be smart
Posted: 4/19/2008 3:38:33 AM | In response to Evanor's scenario:
Page 2 of the healthy boundaries thread in the relationships section, Eternelle posted a really good development of the original posting on there.
If you have received a 180 degree emotional/withdrawing running away type of email, it would be in response to something you have said hitting very close to the mark. I would say you have probably found the equivalent of the "source code" to her problems. You are doing the right thing as a friend in just doing the weekly email as she will need time to think things through. Keep your options open and don't decide to board a sinking ship in a hurry, encourage her to get professional help. The more you try to appear as the one to solve her problems, the worse things can expect to get. There are people with temporary problems and there are also bottomless pit emotional vampires, be careful. A person who is a healthy future investment will show signs of actively working to effect their own recovery, this would mean a decision on her part to continue asking to discuss the things that worry her. If she continues to dance around issues - well, you need to distance yourself from an opening vortex. | |
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| be smart
Posted: 4/19/2008 4:01:58 AM | Agree ^^with Quicksilver, regarding Evenor, except for that bottomless pit of emotional vampires. C'mon, not everyone is totally messed up.
Some people just deal with temporary emotional hardships differently.
Therefore, I would like to add that sometimes some of us shun someone, if we feel we have exposed too much emotionally of ourselves to that person. IE: divulging things you would usually keep inside. It can be the equivalent of feeling you have given someone a loaded gun to use against you, when you are already in a vulnerable state. I have often heard it stated that way, and it does not mean they fear the person they have opened up to, just the now perceived state of added vulnerability.
Spoken from experience (receiving & getting), but please note I also said only sometimes. If it happens a time or two over the course of a person's life, it sometimes is actually (in my experience), just part of a temporary self preservation mode for that person who is hurt, in order to get through whatever rough patch of their life they are facing.
Always done subconsciously too, from what I have been through, and seen with others, so all this won't necessarily make sense to someone who's never experienced it from one angle or another...but doesn't mean the other person is guaranteed to suck you dry either.
In a similar vein, I am sure we have all either ourselves, or known someone, who will retreat from others for a while, eg: They stay home, aren't out and about to hang around with, don't feel like talking, etc., when they are feeling down over something. Very much the same type of thing.
If it happens too often though, then a person may have deeper problems than you think, that I definitely agree with. My advice? Back off a little, and let the person come back around of their own accord. If you don't hear anything from them for a while, by all means check in, and and say you hope all is going well. But other than that, just give them a little time.
Don't forget, we all deal with things differently, there is no prescribed method of dealing with heartache, death, illness, stress, or whatever, that makes one person's way of coping superior over another's.
hnh
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/19/2008 4:56:38 AM |
"that hurt my brain."
OMG Kayla,
If that hurt, peep his profile. iT's wRiTtEn lIke tHiS and calls women sad cows for not liking...something, I forget what because other than how it was written it's not memorable, in the least.
OP,
Towards the top there was a poster who painted quite a nice picture, ending their tale with you having a wifey. Um, I would say go with that before you listen to anyone calling themselves 'Typical Dog.' When you lay with dogs you get up with fleas. Being that I am a woman, I know the majority of us don't like bugs of any kind. If you behave in that manner or choose some of the negative options others have given, well, you won't be able to blame anyone for attracting real b!tches then, will you?
IMO, you should keep your options open and remain available to go on dates with other women, without alienating her in case she is just feeling you out. I think it's quite a good sign she wants to meet your friends and spend some quality time with you on the road. Traveling is quick way to find out if a bloke is really compatible with you, even if it's just four short hours away. All good signs, I believe. 
Stay positive and good luck!  | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/19/2008 6:07:54 AM | I call bs on this, if you make the choice to manipulate someone and take advantage of generosity and kindness then you deserve flak.
If in some way i helped someone out then that person turned into an ***hole and tried to manipulate then they would get either a verbal or literal ass kicking.
If you allow someone to take advantage of you, then YOU are at fault.
He's allowing this to continue by being there for her and obviously he's not getting what he wants out of it. And most importantly, she's not forcing him to do it. See my point? | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/19/2008 10:22:45 AM | Its morning now and I have reread this whole thread.
OP....please reread EVERYTHING!
There is alot of crap here...and some real pearls.
Really, honestly...sometimes the "Friend Zone" is absolutely the best place to be. If you're really a friend and not waiting for the chance to "bone"...I mean a real friend it will pay off in the end. Either you meet some really nice woman through her because all she can talk about is what a friend you are or, one day while you're both hanging out together you both look at each other for the first time and the "WOW Moment" happens.
Do not listen to horny old or young dogs. Those guys have no idea what a woman is for except to bone...but they are dogs. | |
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Posted: 4/20/2008 4:42:32 PM | | The last time I checked friends don't cuddle. She wants to cuddle but just as friends?? sounds like shes using you for companionship when SHE WANTS IT. A relationship goes both ways. Shes teasing you. | |
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Posted: 4/20/2008 7:00:50 PM | [I think she wants to keep you as a friend...on the backburner, just in case the other guys she is interested in don't work out. Women AND men do this all the time.]
I agree with the above comments and I think it's a sick game of "plan b". If you want to be plan b, continue hanging out with her. If you are really looking for a relationship and not a fling or just being there when SHE needs YOU...then move on (which is what I would do if I were being treated like that by any man). | |
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jdb57
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Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 58 | |
| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/20/2008 9:06:26 PM | | If I was in the OP's position I would be confused about the whole cuddling thing, but the bottom line is that she verbally said "just friends" and I would have to respect that. If she sees that you need a friend then be her friend. It sounds awesome and you should be lucky that someone even cares. My advice is forget making any moves on her, but go on the roadtrip and embrace the friendship and just be yourself. Perhaps she is the type of woman that prefers to know somebody for a while before she lets her guard down to them. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/21/2008 4:26:48 AM | I'd be trying to figure out what you feel in relation to her - that is what you need to be sure of!
I think she probably is quite attracted to you but is maybe scared of the whole relationship thing. I can relate to where she seems to be at - I say I want a relationship (and I am certainly not flighty etc - quite reserved, introverted), but I think is someone approached me I would run a mile! hopeless. as i say - figure out where you are at in relation to her. some of the best relationships are born out of strong friendship initially.
good luck. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/21/2008 12:47:57 PM | I see 2 options, well 3 if the 3rd option is just to forget all about her. The 1st...Get your act together and confront her. Make her confortable with being open and honest with you and talk it out to figure out what's going on in your head.
2nd option-Make her jealous. Be busy and aloof. Be nice mind you, but be very happy without her. If she calls make the conversation a good one, but short. You have all kind of things that need your attention anyway right?! If she has any interest in you she will soon be crawling all over you.
And to answer one of your questions yes. Girls would do that kind of stuff. The 4 hour thing is not real common, but I certainly would do this with/for a guy friend I cared about.
Buena suerte | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/21/2008 1:14:18 PM | GET RID OF HER!! SHES A TIME WASTER!! DONT WASTE YOUR TIME MATE.
SHE WILL REALLY STRESS YOU OUT! NOTHING WILL COME OF IT. | |
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Posted: 4/21/2008 2:27:48 PM | She is just using you when she feels a bit randy or lonely.
Use her back or move on. | |
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Posted: 4/21/2008 5:59:09 PM | you "tried" to kiss her, did you succeed?
i'm friends with tons of guys and many times, they take my friendliness the wrong way. they think i'm gaga over them, or atleast have feelings.
if i think you're supercool...enough to call you at random times and hang out...why not go on a road trip with you?! that sounds superfun! plus, some girls love to cuddle...maybe you're just fun to cuddle with.
if i was still in u.s. with my male bestfriend, i'd totally be his roommate. we chill together so much, that people thinks we're dating. we share secrets with each other that we don't open up to others. if anything, we were so close, he reached the point that i let him hug me (i hate it when people touch me). he's going up the ladder! LOL! i even started telling him i love him...*as a friend*...and how i dearly miss him. he also tells me the same thing. now, he may think of that as me wanting to live with him, as in "with him", but that's totally not the case.
yes...we're that close and i just see him as my friend...and absolutely nothing more.
she may or may not like you...but it's absolutely possible that she really just sees you as friends. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/22/2008 9:58:48 AM | You do cater to her needs and you seem to be extremely generous in doing so.If you want to go further with her then become less available and see what happens either she will come around or she will move on.
I do have a couple of friends I do those sort of things with and enjoy having them and spending that kind of time with them.I know it to be a fact that they don't want more than that with me. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:10:02 PM | | Sigh, unfortunately it's true. A lot of women just like the attention and want to remain friends. There might be something there, way, way underneath everything, but be careful. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:57:42 PM | | It sounds like when she gets some alcohol in her...then it's cuddle time. And as for going to your home town...I'm clueless too. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/22/2008 4:02:57 PM | | what you are describing sounds like what girls call a "safety net". Somone attractive you get along with that you use when you need that i have a man feeling. When other suitors come calling the safety net is on the back burner. When the lake dries up and attention needs to be paid the safety net is called. It's a game that has nothing to do with you personally it's a security thing for the girl. She gets lonely she plays house with you. She can't play house to closely though or the game doesn't work because there is a chance the safety net will get fed up as long as it goes so far as to give her a somebody wants me close feeling it will continue. Now i will say that safety nets are usually considered as good friends someone they can talk to and share things with and they do enjoy hanging out with but they are someone the girl knows they are leading on. In the end the safety net always ends up getting hurt. Most all girls at one point or another have played this game with a guy. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/22/2008 6:35:15 PM | | And girls say guys are asses? I mean come on thats downright nasty to use someone like that. This nice guy thing is for the birds maybe I should just start being an ignorant a$$...they seem to do better in the long run | |
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Posted: 4/23/2008 12:28:01 AM | No. The jerks only do better in the short run.
Nice guys do get what they deserve after girls have matured. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/23/2008 2:06:32 AM | | I think she likes you a lot. Although I can't tell her real feeling, I at least wouldn't go to a guy's hometown with him in just two person. I think you have a chance, maybe she's stuck by something in her mind, she tries not to like you and not to be too close to you, but she seems weak on that. Good luck! | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/23/2008 8:39:34 AM | | It's not right and it is a very mean game girls play. It's more about their own insecurities and fear of being alone and the guys feelings get lost in the mix and it always ends badly. Don't stop being a nice guy though trust me there are women out there that are searching desperately for that. In the end Karma will win out i promise i don't want to see one of the few good guys go to the dark side. :) | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/23/2008 8:51:45 PM | | Well the first thing I thought of was well this girl has you right where she wants you. Women have been known to string along guys that they know will treat them right and come back to them from time to time when they are lonely. I think the hardest but best thing for you to do is put your foot down and be open with her. She needs to respect the fact that you have true feelings for her and not to take advantage of that but respect you and if she says she will be your friend then she needs to act like a friend. I hope this helps. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/23/2008 9:29:59 PM | As I see it, being an objective outsider and a WOMAN, this young lady is using you until she finds another friend with a car and one who will run when she calls. I have a friend similar to yours, only I have been a mere spectator to her sport and not a participant, every time she has a few****ails she calls up her former boyfriend to validate her existance as a woman. She knowingly leads him on in hopes of garnering some pathetic affirmation that she is wanted.
My advice is to not play the game. You will lose because, obviously, you have a heart and want something more out of this relationship with her. She will always win at your expense. You worth is being challenged and you deserve better. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:00:29 PM | I don't think she knows what she wants from you; or she simply wants to keep you on the sidelines. I'm not sure because I've never met this woman, but it does sound rather fishy. She may want to keep you off balance because it keeps her in control.
I'd say stay friends if you like her JUST as a friend; and if she tries to pull anything that does not feel right or that feels like something you'd do with just 'more then a friend' tell her to simply stop. If she doesn't then move on. You're not a piece of meat to be stored in the freezer waiting for her to make the decision to have dinner. | |
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| need girl advice BIG TIME
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:08:28 AM | | Okay girls are always confusing. I know i am one! She problbyl only needs a lil affection now and then so she goes to you since shes wanted.Chicks like to feel wanted.They will go where they are and not necessaraly live up to expactations they created. So yeah, forget her,shes even more confused then you and will never admit it. Women have this thing called femine pride, just like the men pride women critasize. Anyways you are better off with a chick who knows what she wants and needs and will only go for that. | |
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