| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:25:29 AM | | decided to just post this whole dramatic thing in the forums for what exactly?I think you are taking nics down as to how they answer so you will know who you want to chat with without taking the time and effort to get to know them.Someone pls tell me how this isn't more like an application for a mail order bride then just an innocent question from the heart?Does anyone notice all the negative posed at"she"but yet "he"looks all so pure and innocent like he has never broke wind in the tub or something. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 10:10:02 AM | ^ Perhaps he took notes from all the "innocent victims" (ie. women) that post a plethora of 'poor ol' me' and 'boo hoo' threads. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 10:35:03 AM | 1. Cheating (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)? 10.....yes is is a reason for leaving the relationship. I dont play well with others.
2. Lying (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship - I am not talking about white lies)? 10......yes it is a reason for leaving the relationship. If I cant trust you....I dont want to be with you. I'd rather be told something I dont want to hear than be lied to. Once trust is lost with me, it takes an act of congress to gain it back.
3. Physical abuse (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)? 10......yes it is a reason to leave the relationship. (And you better hope I dont have a bat handy) LOL
4. Alcohol/drug abuse (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)? 10......yes it is a reason to leave the relationship. If you cant control yourself and stay away from drugs, or you have to drink EVERY DAY, then there is no room in my life for you.
With my answers given........I am not perfect myself by any stretch of the imagination. But those are 4 things I do not do and wont accept from someone else in my life. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 10:37:37 AM | Cheating is a definite dealbreaker. no if's ands or but's. GONE- 10/yes
If you are with someone you feel you have to lie to, maybe an evaluation of the relationship is called for, that is just sad. supposed to be your best friend. I personally would call someone on a lie cause if they lie to you about one thing they will lie to you about another. not kool. 10/yes, if consistent
Physical abuse- NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM is someone goingto lay thier hands on me in a violent manner. 10-yes
Addiction- That is something they have to want to do theirself, personally I would not tolerate it due to the fact it's not my problem. I want someone that has it together to a degree and with addiction they are like a roller coaster and something I will not have around my children or me. 10/ yes
I do enjoy going out and drinking with the girls or nights out, however I am a firm believer in you play you gotta pay. I am at work the next day, I am up with my kids, etc. etc. If it were to effect my job or my life in a negative way it has to go, SO included.
ZERO tolerance here for silly games. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 11:40:30 AM | I'm sorry for your loss, I put it that way, because I know where you are coming from. I was married 13 years. But, for my kids sake, I had to divorce him. I'm lucky, I got them out many years ago, when they were very young and in time for them to flurshed. It was the hardest thing I ever did, to walk away from someone I loved more than words can express.
A precher once told me, it's not a marriage when you are married to an alcoholic, he had been married to one. It's an awful sickness, It's not your fault, they can't get well unless they truly want to... | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:11:37 PM | Unforgivable.
Circumstances and drama behind the story are 100% irrelevant.
It was your choice to stay, and to cheat. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:14:32 PM | while you mention your not looking for sympathy or pity i cant help but think your doing exactly that, if your wife was so damn mean, why did you put up with it? why bother to ask a bunch of strangers to verify your thoughts or feelings, we all know cheating is "bad" that violence is "wrong". i also have a hard time believing that you were this oh so stand up up guy and she was the biggest **** in the world, honestly i dont believe a person who has thier shit together would go for someone like that, and on top of it stay for it after it happened once.
peace | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:37:28 PM | Wihtin days of getting it ready but before I told her later, she comes up pregnant so I decide to stay as I don't want to run out on a pregnant woman and my child.
Ok firstly, why the hell were u having sex with a woman you wanted to divorce. Secondly, a woman just doesnt go and get pregnant, it takes two and it was irresponsible of you to have sex with a woman without using precautions who you were in the process of divorcing. Typical blaming man syndrome..you probably drove her to all her crazy behaviour, i would love to hear her side! | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:53:38 PM |
decided to just post this whole dramatic thing in the forums for what exactly?
Forum soap operas, some are worth the price of admission.
She occasionally would attack me with knives, scissors, or fist....Lastly, she cheated with a guy she knew from high school over the course of about 3 months that she saw him (claims they only actually had sex 1 time though they went out on numerous dates)
Generically speaking, a "man" who takes this gets what he gets. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 1:00:18 PM | perhaps he did just that tick tock and on that note pls excuse my interruption as I humbly bow out the back door-----NOT ok I will get the tissue and someone else can get the barf bags cause I got a feeling this is gonna get deep,rolling up pants legs and pulling up chair. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:10:37 PM | On a scale of 0-10 (with 10 being the worst thing one could do to another), how bad are the following things perpetrated while married or in a long term exclusive relationship?
1. Cheating: 10 You bet it's grounds for leaving.
2. Lying: 7 Depends how often and over what. If you can't believe a word she says, move on.
3. Physical abuse: 10 If she's trying to kill you, don't walk, run.
4. Alcohol/drug abuse: 5 Some people have problems and need their loved ones to get over them. You should be supportive as long as they're making an effort to stop the drug use. If they're not, leave. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/21/2008 2:45:43 PM | To Spearheadfish:
In comment to your response, I did not start this thread for sympathy sake or to use it to filter out potential female prospects on POF. In fact I thought I was ready to date but am not feeling like I am right now. It was a a post from the heart. before I met and married 12 + years ago, my past relationships with women were good and I never had any of the probelms mentioned in my post so that is why I posted it. If I had been confronted in past relationships with the behaviors I noted and experienced in my marriage, I probably would have bolted and not put up with those things but I wanted to get feed back from strangers as I thought I could get real honest feed back. Two or three close friends know of my situation and have given me conflicting views on some of the items mentioned and I wondered if they think they are telling me what I want to hear to keep from having my children come from a broken home. Some acted like affairs are not that big of deal anymore and that keeping the family together is the most important thing while others would leave for much less. I kept wondering what 100 people would say if polled those who only know the basic facts so that is why I posted. Part of the reason was also to fortify my resolve to continue on the path that I know I must take, however distastful it is.
To babylickitysplit:
As I said in my post, her recent cheating was the last straw and that I filed for divorce becasue of that behavior and it is not as though I stayed through continued affairs thus acquiescing to that behavior. I am not the best guy in the world and am not holding myself out as such but I never engaged in any of the behaviors I mentioned. As far as going for someone like my wife who would engage in the behaviors mentioned, she was not doing those things when we met and it did not start until after marriage. It started slowly, some behaviors would stop after a time and then others would crop up over time. Each time I would rationalize each specific behavior as not being that bad, mostly for the sake of keeping my family together and my kids from being cast to the winds. You make it sound as though I am some sort of idiot confronted with all these behaviors at the same time, in the begining, and I did nothing this whole time.
You are right about one thing, I am a fool for staying in a marraige after her first alcohol fueled knife rampage and I deserve the criticism. That one happened about 3 months into the marriage and she was black-out drunk and did not even believe she did it when I confronted her in a more sober state of mind. I was also enamored of her and wanted to make it work, over the years, more than I should have and that is my mistake.
I appreciate everyone's comments, whether favorable or unfavorable, as it helps. Thanks. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/21/2008 3:40:59 PM | Anyone who lies, cheats, hits,( I would add emotional/verbal abuse in here also) or has an addiction is UNAVAILABLE for a relationship.
Keep it simple people | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/21/2008 4:00:27 PM | Re post 64: "Anyone who lies, cheats, hits,( I would add emotional/verbal abuse in here also) or has an addiction is UNAVAILABLE for a relationship." as it relates to the Opost.
Well, the first criterion alone, ie lying, then, disqualifies a vast majority of both sexes in all of the dating world/earth. Because most people lie about one thing or another. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/21/2008 4:21:56 PM | lets back up a second
a relationship is to be based upon trust and honesty.
To me to cheat is breaking a promise that you made when you got into that relationship
And to me this is breaking a commitment and promise - - -
Lies, again where is the trust and honesty and companionship - - - -
etc.
Is she that good in bed that you would put up with this - - - -
and she has learned that you are not going anywhere so - - - she can simply keep repeating it.
and then blame you for this and that problem - - - - while she is doing everything to drive you a way - - - -
So my bottom line comment - - - did you really need to ask these questions? are you that twisted around by her - - - to think that this is possibly OK. - - - -
you should have known that any one of these is enough to say - - enough - - I have had it. - -
Jim P. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:40:40 AM | | HOW,......could ANY reasonable, decent person,..expect a secure,...and meaningful relationship with ANYONE under those ( described) conditions?? You know as well as I, THAT is impossible. At some point,...she, herself may realize she needs help,...but not ALL, do. Until then,...do you really have a choice? Indeed,...do you NOT deserve far better? You need not HATE HER,...there is always prayer,,.....and hope for her. You don't need to be hateful to her because she is. She's sick, that's all.But,...you can't let that ruin YOUR life,..if she doesn't even care about herself. There will always be limits as to what any of "us" are ABLE to do,...you KNOW THAT! | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/22/2008 2:21:49 AM | | My question to you is: why are you such a glutton for punishment? I think that question answers your question but I'd love to hear you answer mine. This is just me, but if any ONE of those things were done by anyone I was committed to, that would be an instant, permanent deal breaker. End of story. You want forgiveness, go to church. To me anyone, if you violate another's trust EVER, it's over. | |
|
TLC_
|
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 68 | |
| |
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/22/2008 6:20:30 AM | 1. 10.
2. depends on lie.
3. 8, I can take a hit. I recommend it be 10 for ladies though. Just a recommendation.
4. Abuse, or addiction? I wouldn't dump someone for abusing drugs or being addicted alone. If they start stealing etc. to support their habit that would be a big problem with me however. | |
|
| |
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/23/2008 7:02:52 AM | | All of those things are a 10. My mom always told me that a marriage is built on trust; seems that there wasn't any of that in your marriage. Good luck in moving forward. Just remember that all wives aren't like the one you had...lol. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/23/2008 8:25:35 AM | | She made her mind up at the beginning of the relationship that you "would do". In other words, she "settled" for something.... in her mind..... that she felt she was better than you. ... but she settled anyway. Why the xanax? Why the anxiety... because in her mind you are not good enough and she is sorry to be with you. But, you are providing her food and shelter, and she doens't have a way out. She needs to be kicked to the skids. She needs to find a good therapist, who can help her gain a perspective of her life..... someone who can make sense and put a positive spin on her consciousness. She needs to start a new life. She is passive-aggressive, and cannot communicate this to you, except through the use of knives and scissors..... she is saying GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/23/2008 9:30:05 PM | | Any one of those characteristics would cause me to terminate a relationship immediately. She is toxic to your life! Why tolerate any of that under any circumstances? If someone causes more problems in your life than they solve, they have to go bye bye. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:15:23 AM | Dear smileee4u:
You are the first person to say these things and you are right on the money as I have felt this way for years. To all those that accuse me of being a glutton for punishment, perhaps that is true but it is hard for me to give up on certain things, in this case it was hard for me to deal with the idea of giving up my kids (she'll get custody of them (we live in a very PC state) after divorce and I stayed in it longer than maybe I should have.
Your comment is insightful b/c a couple of times, when she was really drunk, about mid-way through the marriage (after we had kids), she said that I was "a fat balding middle aged man" (she is 10 years younger than me).
It was at that moment that it was obvioust that she looked at this as though she was better than me and that she "settled". When I met her, she was a blond bombshell party girl type and I was an ordinary looking guy that was at the begining of a professional track and I come from a good family. I had/have good prospects though we did not discuss those things at length thus there was no deal made if that what your thinking. I think I was different from her past boyfriends as I was more settled and saner. Ulimately, I am to blame for my problems b/c there was enough there to see that we were not enough alike but she does view herself as better than me.
She got on the Xanax, at least by about Dec. 2006, for anxiety which she later told me a number of times was caused by me. Ultimately the Xanax, and other possible mental health issues, led her to a brief affair in late 2007.
Since she was briefly hospitalized and released for Xanax and other issues in early 2008, she has been friendly only and seems to want to re-unite for the kids but that changes with her mood. The reason I mention it is b/c you are right, she is doing it b/c it is easier than getting out in the big world and hustling to provide her own living.
For all of you that want to write back that I am an idiot and deserve what I got, maybe your are right to a certain extent but we always see things with greater clarity after the fact and turn a blind eye to certain things in the begining. Again, I am not doing this for sympathy as sympathy from a bunch of strangers does me no good but am hearing the things I need to hear to keep going. Your post was very helpful to me. Thanks. | |
|
| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/25/2008 10:57:17 AM | | So, in your opinion, a person must wait the entire year after separation until their divorce is official before you consider it acceptable to even date? Let me tell ya, even after 3 months, it's tough. Sounds pretty idealistic to me and also sounds like you haven't been in this position yourself ever. I don't really get how you could consider it cheating. If both partners have a mutual agreement of separation, then it should be ok....unless you have some sort of religious reasoning for this, in which case, divorce is wrong too. | |
|
Home
login 
