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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:39:48 PM | OP: Where are you?
Knock, knock....Mr. live wire, are you still here?
Have you nothing more to say?
We treated her like gold ,spoiled her rotten, in the 19 years, and we get this kick in the nuts.Me and the boys are wondering is she messed up??
What you don't seem to understand is that "we" are not married to her, only you are. You refer to your sons as if they are your partners...it's crazy. I can just imagine the coversations you have with your KIDS when you "wonder" together if she is messed up.
You asked for advice...my advice to you is to just let her go. Rise above your own hurt and your own anger, quit transfering it to your sons and help them to understand that what went on between you and her had nothing to do with them. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:46:10 PM | I'm not sure where to begin with this.
First, you don't need to be looking for someone "long term" on a dating site. You're still in a "long term" relationship, "marriage". Even if she has moved on, you're just finding this out and you're upset, hurt and angry. It's not being fair to whom ever might respond to your e-mail. You are SELFISH!!!
Second, the fact that you dragged your kids into their parents mess is unforgivable. They will always remember this and it is going to effect their lives from now on. Once again - you are being SELFISH!!!!! Only thinking of you.
Then you ask how long you should give her. I wonder how long she's been giving you to get your act together. It looks like she waited until the kids were old enough to be on their own and left YOU (not them). This is probably the first time in a long time she is happy.
It's impossible to change what damage you have already done to your sons. However, you do have an opportunity to show your sons what a real man would do. Let her be. Don't be ugly and fight just because she doesn't want to be with you. After 19 yrs, she deserves that. | |
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Cazimi
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Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 28 | |
| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:54:41 PM | You are angry and hurt, that your wife is (was) cheating.
But what you did was childish and vindictive, to subject your boys to that kind of behaviour .
Your children did not need to be part of the shame of their mother.
Makes one wonder what kind of a husband you were to her.
Try to move on with your life , let her get on with hers.
Hopefully your boys will be able to put all the ugliness behind, and not hate their mother.
We don't know your story , but what you did was wrong.
Everyone , he's only been here on POF a few days, must have felt the need to unburden .
Good luck and take care of your boys. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:54:50 PM | I'm wondering why you felt the need to make it a public spectacle ... do you realize acting like that doesn't make you look like you care for her ... it just makes you look like a huge sphincter ... and pardon me but "no shape to do anything due to a back injury." What?! You aren't 12 ... you and your boys a bit old to be fighting in the street. But I don't care how old the children are ... bringing the kids into the situation was completely uncalled for. The issue is between you and your wife ... she (might be) screwing another man not going out and being a mother to other children. You also use the phrase "hit rock bottom" that generally connotates she has some kind of substance abuse issue ... and sounds like there is way more to this story than this one episode and neither party can cast stones ...
Try talking AND listening like two adults ... if you can't do that then get a moderator or a counselor. I can only assume she would have come home at some point. But if she doesn't want to work things out you can't make her ... single and happy is far better then together and miserable.
Goooood Luck. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/18/2008 10:04:23 PM | Is the Op gone yet? OMG - You know - grown up's have their own problems but to pit children against a fellow parent? My own experience is he did it to himself but never spoke poorly against him - let my daughter make up her own mind - very smart kid?!?! So far she has guessed right?!?!  But please......keep the kid's out of it - it's between you & her & let your boys grow up to be respectible men...the ones I hope my girl meets when she is ready????? L~  | |
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| She cheated on the kids, too!
Posted: 4/18/2008 10:34:58 PM | My parents didn't get divorced until I was a teenager, but I was the driving force. I kept trying to convince my mother to get the divorce until I ran away refusing to come home while my dad was still there. THAT got my mom to check into the battered women's center.
No cheating was involved, but my point is the kids ARE involved. Keeping kids in the dark doesn't do any good, the morons who think keeping secrets from children keeps them ignorant must be the same people who think if you never tell your child about sex they will never have sex or be raped. WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT!!!
What's he supposed to do when he comes home and they ask, "Was she cheating or not?"
"Well, boys, we are getting a divorce, but this has nothing to do with you. We love you both."
"So was she cheating?"
"Mommies and daddies don't always get along."
"She was banging a new guy, wasn't she?"
They have the right to know.
It would be lovely if we didn't live in reality and our actions had no effect on anyone else.
Was letting the boys go to the guy's (his parents') house a good idea? No.
We all make mistakes. All four of you made BIG ones in the few days this disaster took place.
No one here knows you well enough to know where the problem began(maybe she cheated because she begged for divorce, you never treated her like gold and were very controling. Maybe you only got married because you thought you knocked her up and come to find out your oldest boy isn't yours, anyway), but we don't need to. That is in the past.
She shouldn't forget what you have done, you shouldn't forget what she has done.
Forgiveness all around, but, forgiveness doesn't mean you get into the exact same situation, again. It just means you don't harbor bad feelings.
I'm sure this is waaaaaaay beyond second chances, so neither of you get more chances.
Get your divorce, your youngest has what, 6 months of being a kid? He's fine.
Them getting along with their mother is NOT your problem.
You getting along with their mother IS their problem, so try to be able to be in the same room with her and not giggle remembering the guy she was doing in his mom's basement. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/18/2008 10:36:10 PM | Live Wire -
You are one sick puppy (not the word I would use if we were in the same room). As a parent you are supposed to guide your children - not encourage them to be judgmental and show their anger physically. Sounds an awful lot like you are using them to make up for your physical inadequacies. Grow up. Get the boys (and most likely yourself) into therapy. As soon as possible, before you do more damage to them. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/18/2008 10:40:04 PM | My mom and dad were divorced. She always told me "everyone has their own bag of rocks to tote". She would never let me say anything disrespectful about him. She always said no matter what has happened he is your father. I suppose she understood a bond between a man and woman that goes wrong is their business. It takes two to make a relationship work and two to let it disolve.
Looking back on it now I am greatful she took the high road. I still had my mother and fathers love even though they could not manage to keep theirs. they are both dead now. All I have are the memories. While each of them had to carry their own bag of rocks, the rocks they carried for me are now in stone. I am only glad they loved me enough to spare me the ugly that went between them.
I feel sorry for for children. They were put to taking sides in a war that was not of their own. It kinda seems to me they have lost both parents, to an unidentified bag of rocks. You both could have kept the children out of that nastiness. They may have they own "troubles with her, true enough. But, how much of that may have been influenced by your troubles. I think long ago someone should have told the children-----sometime adults just can not make it work, but, it is between the spouces. Do not get involved.
Now sides have been drawn. Children are without parents. When you die, all they will have are the memories. Which ones will you leave them with?
I wish you all the best. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:07:13 AM | Well going to make most these women whou have posted here more pissed then
before, To bad!!! There is truth and there is pretty lie's I only do truth.
OMG! What have you done to those boys???
Nothing he raised men!
But yet to have your boy's there is wrong. I know they were looking out for Dad you should be old enough and man enough to look out for self
and im in no shape to do anything due to a back injury.
Wrong nobody fights a fight that is your fight. Now if you part ways with her and one of the new one's make, them mad so be it. A word of advise it is a whole lot more fun to have guys your age or 20 years younger walking around you. Then ever doing any thing.
And a back injury can be over come I have had 5 major surgery's 1 one on my back nothing twice, Im 54 and still do what I do for a living.
and of course she could not even come outside to defend her own kids
Nope she truly care's about no one but herself and her pleasure. And from this example she is not going to change.
my boys do not want anything to do with there mother,
They will again in time let it happen It is the best thing for you and them. Do not speak ill of her but don't lie, best not to talk about it.
she is known for lying sorry for not saying this in the post...
And when they got fed up with it they had to see the truth or she would have made it sound like it was no big deal and she is innocent of wrong doing. "you just dont want her to have friend's. yeah right. And then one more time you have protected them to be made out the a$$.
sounds to me as if you think that your sons have a "right" to be involved in the conversations and the actions you take with regard to your wife.
If they want to know they have a right to be aware. They aren't little, they are grown.
so don't judge the man until you have walked in his shoes.
Walked many a mile in shoe's protecting the kid's it DON"T WORK
Most here thinks that someone has right to judge the man cause she made them
go whore with someone no one has a right to cheat, and bring something home.
And you were just a bad husband she or he lived there 19 years so be it should have said/did something first 19 months if you didnt like it. Do not change yourself and blame the other half.
If your kids asked for something that you know isn't good for them, you just give it to them? you were self serving in this.
If you lie to you children they grow up to be liar's also. If they were 9 & 10 you tell they aren't old enough, it is for adult's, or you and mom will deal with it.
You DO NOT LIE nobody has that right, if it comes down to it you say none of your business it is not right or good for them.
Your wife isnt' into you anymore.
That is a poor excuse for the lowest life form on earth after even 5 years of marriage
you and your boys a bit old to be fighting in the street.
Well that depends on your point of view. Fifty years ago the law would have did nothing to him or boys. She would have got nothing in a divorce, now the law protects his/her right to lie,break vow's, and whore.
But then again it a blast that last for a long while when you pull a long side one of your cars to see who is driving, just look it side and it is the new dummy and less then 1/2 hour later you get a call from your lawyer laughing his butt off and tell you not to do that. Never said a word
let my daughter make up her own mind
Work's every time.
and realize YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL ITS GONE??
She will
and one last thing how much time do I give her to realize this big misstake. ANY ADVICE FOR US.
 You're kidding right!!
Was this first time or just the first time your kid's knew about. If the main reason, is what her cheating is about. What I sense, let it go she will be sleeping around forever. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:07:45 AM | On your filters , one of your requirements is that she must NOT be married.....
Hello ??
*NEWSFLASH*......YOU'RE married.....
Nuff said,
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:36:54 AM | I've read the OP several times, and I still don't see where the wife was "caught" cheating. How the heck does anyone know if she was in the house? All I can see is OPie decided she was there and told his sons.
My advice is to do your wife a big favor and file for divorce as soon as possible. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:41:20 AM | | Opie pulled a 'hit and run' anyways. Shyt that he started got too deep so he left the trenches :) | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:46:48 AM | thats the first mistake "livewire" you treated her to nice.. i know you have a back plm.. but pls..
dont let her walk all over you... dont ask her back.. wheres your backbone?
oh yea.. i forgot.. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 1:03:10 AM | | I am afraid you have impacted their [your kids'] ability to trust and relate to women in their adult relationships. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 1:17:53 AM | I can speak to this from direct experience, minus kids. ...
Besides the unexpected death of a loved one, there is nothing in this world that can match the pain caused by a spouse that you put your complete faith and loyalty into for a number of years, may or may not have had children with, and that you thought was your soul mate.
No matter how wrong it is that the woman (or guy) cheats, it is a double fault (although most goes to the selfish cheating spouse). . You definitely contributed to the fact that they either moved on completely or just sexually...accept it.
In terms of confronting the cheater,
1. Talk to a lawyer... your benefits could depend on it. 2. Find all buzzing abd humming noises coming from
c | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 1:18:17 AM | I'm with Nautical on this one, I am so disgusted.
Apart from the long term pyschological mess you have caused, what exactly were you intending to do if your wife's lover had attacked your sons? Were the three of you intending to beat him up?
I can't believe your wife stuck it out living in a cave with you for 19 miserable years being treated like property. Were you hoping she would appear so the three of you could drag er ome by tha air? Yes what she did was wrong - but gee, ever think you drove her away, or did you forget to put the shackles on her one day?
This has got to be the sickest post I've ever read on here, and you really think some woman is going to want a monster like you? " Can handle" maybe you would like to volunteer as replacement slave and dog's body for the OP and his disgusting sons.
Hudson Hutch could volunteer as well - how long do you reckon these men could physically and emotionally survive the abuse this woman has coped with for 19 years? | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 1:22:08 AM | Oh dear DAD, youdont involve your sons in your marriage problems, your suppposed to parent them and you have failed miserably, at their ages the damage is done and you deserve prison time for what you ahve done to them and your wife is better off, and is to far gone for any real help at this stage also......
She has lost her sons at this stage and she should ahve taken them as babies and saved them from you, but she was obvioulsy too weak........
She hit rock bottom when she met you, leaving is the first sign of strength she has shown, hopefully boys will get out form under and leave too.......
you wont see what we see, or pay any attention to us, or get help, I cant bekleive your looking for somoene else to date or even posting this..........
Your poor sons......... They are too old to be taken away now, had they been any younger, you would definatley have had your sons taken away for serious emotional abuse. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 1:34:24 AM | you need to move on, you sound very bitter and hurt, i was in a similar situatuation 15 yrs ago. you wont do your self any good dwelling on this situation, walk away.
and for all of you beating this guy up about his adult kids, they are hurting too.
it was my middle daughter (she was 12 at the time) who informed me of her dads affair, all though i suspected it. my daughter was told by her mate that her dad was seeing the woman she baby sat for. i had 3 girls 14,12,and 18mths, my 12 yr old went into the local pub, and found her dad there with his g/f.she then came home and told me.
to cut a long story ,
i left him, gave my daughters the choice of coming with me or staying, eldest stayed with her dad, i never dissed him in front of the girls, he told my eldest lots of lies about me. the girls made their own minds up.
the result is, i have 2 very stable young daughters now 29 &18 and my daughter that stayed with him, is not so stable, she has her problems, likes the beer probably because she is always in the pub with her dad, he has a drink prob.she has a lovely young daughter, and i worry about them both,
but i'm always here for them, when dad plays mind games with her.
i guess what i'm trying to say is kids know whats or who is right or wrong good luck to you live wire | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 1:34:33 AM | To the other gentleman pardon the pun, the women here are not pissed at all, I am personally gratefull to be smart enough and emotionally healthy enough and have enough self esteem not to end up with creatures like you, The family law court has come along way in recognising the damage done to children whos parents use them in this manner and take the situation serioulsy and acknowledge who the abuser is these stiuations and would put orderws in place to re educate both parents on how to behave with regard to their children.......
you can ignore what is being said and it is evident that you wil do exactly that, but the boys should be able to love their mother and father equally with out feeling guilty or bullied into chosing sides, they are feeling you pain and betrayal because you have made it that way and they dont deserve to feel that, you have hurt them because she hurt you,
Not saying your wife is sane, she was with you and just as you have abused your children god knows what forms of abuse exsisted in the home, it is obviously dysfunctional and if you want to be a good parent, put your boys into family therapy and do something to change the situaion, regardless of the choices yoru wife made, it doesnt change the fact that children love both parents and their loyalties should be used or torn by any parent ........ SICK WORLD......... | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 1:59:26 AM | Live wire there's not a chance in hell she'll ever negotiate on coming back to the family.
You've terrified the life out of her. Women do this kind of thing to father's but they're much more subtle about it and they use psychological warfare - to the point you'll almost sit there and nod agreement they were right to do it. It's called Parental Alienation. Turning up with your 'army' and threatening everyone involved could not have hit the nail home more soundly and permanently.
Your wife is actually responsible for her own actions and her sons may have turned against her slowly (as my children have turned against me when I've done nothing but care about them) or shockingly, as in your case. I believe that children need two parents and it is your son's relationships with their mother you need to repair while you take time to create a new life for yourself.
The 3 of you must make a formidable force and I'd imagine living with that imbalance in the family home made her feel dominated and belittled. In my own experience I watched as my wife slowly turned the kids against me by treating me with disrespect and undermining my decisions and concerns.
Having adult/teenage children involved in this kind of vicious behavioural cycle is a really dangerous thing to do - how will your son's prosper if they murder your wife or her lover?
Your relationship with her is over and if it isn't it should be. These things happen, people once suited become unsuited. You need to acknowledge where things actually are and teach your boys some facts of life. Here's one:
you cannot force someone to love you (and you can't do it by declaring it 'the moral thing to do')
everyone has a right to end a relationship, at any time, and by trying to 'enforce' it you're merely driving her away further
all people concerned should treat each other with respect as much as possible during the process.
Her one fault is that she doesn't appear to communicate honestly but that could be due to her feelings of being 'hemmed in'. You and your sons don't want to hear what she has to say - you want her to say what you want her to hear. I think at one point I made the same mistake by telling my wife we couldn't just split up on such a flimsy reason as a one-off argument we had as we were having a child.
You cannot use your children as weaponry against her and must stop this immediately. What they're doing is wrong.
I knew a man and his son who pursued his ex-wife for 10 years after they'd divorced - he and his son would attack her new boyfriends and intimidate any man who even got friendly with her.
In some countries they stone 'adulterers' to death. How far do you and your sons intend to go with this? Nothing worthwhile will come of it. You and they need to go for counselling in order to deal with your rage issues.
Sorry to hear you're in such a mess but some truths need to be faced up to. She has a right to live her life as she wishes - it looks to me like she hung on up until the point she has met her responsibilities to her children.
I can identify with her and I can empathise with you but you need to stop this horror story in its tracks. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:07:28 AM | Those poor children, sending them big (hugs).
What an awful thing to go through as a child, finding her with her lover, and then packing her bags and taking them to her.
Hope they recover, and do not get bitter and twisted and think all women are like that.
But have to say you as a parent STINK!! What the hell were you thinking your moron. I am sure what you did was child abuse, taking them along to do your dirty work. BAD BAD MAN.
  GROW UP - MAKE IT UP TO THOSE CHILDREN WITH A VERY SPECIAL HOLIDAY TO SAY YOU ARE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO THEIR HEADS.
CurvyDee: THIS IS PROPER ADVICE from a normal human being with feelings for his children.
Remember this: those children have the right to love their mother, you must stop talking poison to them, keep it to yourself, or get proper therapy, just leave them out of it from now on. She left you not them! you involved them and took them right into the heart of your argument. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:08:37 AM | Ok now everyones stopped yelling at the poor man who is clearly distressed and made some bad choices perhaps we can give him some practical advise?
You shouldnt have taken the boys with you, its between you and her, not them and her. She didnt cheat on them, she cheated on you. To repair the damage you need to as someone else said, grow a backbone, sit down and tell them she is still their mother and youre sorry you involved them in this mess and you'd like for them to back out for the time being for your sake. If they are angry with their mother they can TALK to her not CONFRONT her on a 1-2-1 basis without you or the boyfriend being there, and she can tell them her side of the story, there are two sides to everything you know.
I am sorry this has happened to you, but its part of life, we get cheated on sometimes... we learn from it and we move on... and thats what youre going to have to do... times a big healer in a year you'll wonder why you were so angry... time also gives us clarity of vision.
Good luck. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:15:32 AM | I agree with all the other posters who said, in a nutshell, you should not have involved your children in your issues with their mother.
My child has no relationship with her father whatsoever. I refuse to bash him in front of her. There may come a day when she either needs him or he needs her. I won't form her opinions for her, those are hers to create. At 11 with no contact for 6 years, I am sure she has, but it's her opinion, without my influence.
You are creating an opinion for your sons, allowing them to be judge and jury for the only mother they will ever have. They have the right to decide whether to trust or mistrust, love or hate, the middle road doesn't seem to be an option for you and your posse, and it appears that you are jading these boys to stand on one side.
Where will this lead you? What did you accomplish? Did this truly idiotic move on your part help your situation in any way?
I do not feel that you have any parenting skills. It's sad that we need to take courses for driving, because poor driving can kill, and licenses for driving, marriage, etc., but we do not need licenses or classes to pro-create. Raising children should require a license after an extended course.
We should all be born sterile, and after extensive courses and parenting classes, be given the option of parenting. You would have failed miserably, Access Denied.
Woot Woot | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:15:53 AM | A parent being an "adulterer" does not constitute them to be bad parents. Most liberal judges within the states will make this statement. Many divorce courts are filled with custody battles labeling one another adulterers, judges do not care who mommy or daddy sleeps with, as long as they use good judgment and do not traumatize their children within the process.
I agree with most on this thread. You went to that house looking for trouble. You are lucky you did not find it. Within the eyes of the law, it's called trespassing and with your child who is 18, you enabled that child to possibly get in trouble and could have been arrested and charged as an adult. It shows total and incomplete respect for your own children as well as for yourself. You stated that your back was hurt, did you expect your children to fight for you? Pretty pathetic.
You wanted to "shame" your wife because she was cheating on you. You utilized your children as tools to possibly perform this. This shows you are not a good parent. Children are to be shielded at all costs from the dysfunction we adults incite within our lives. What would your children say about "daddy" being on a dating website eventhough he is still married to his mother? I would bet they do not know, therefore, the statement you are making is that it's NOT ok for your wife to cheat on you but it's ok for "daddy" to troll around on a dating website. Double standard if I ever saw one and shows me more than likely why your wife was cheating anyways. I feel your wife should have used more
discretion same as you. I pray for your children and hope they have positive role models in their lives because Mommy and Daddy are not it. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 4/19/2008 3:11:31 AM | After reading ShortWire's comments I'm convinced that his wife had a different story.
My guess is that she put up with as much as she could while raising the kids and just had enough. Cheating in a marriage or a relationship is never excusable but maybe she couldn't get away from the self centered overbearing manipulative (expletive deleted) because of the finances, circumstances or the children.
It seems that he not only cheated her out of a happy marriage but cheated her from having her kids in her life too.
What a guy!!!
OMG! What have you done to those boys???
Nothing he raised men! That is just so much BS. Men, real men, are raised to respect their mother no matter their faults. ShortWire just half azzed raised them it seems and judging by what he said about them didn't let their mother have much influence.
What a dad!!!
Best wishes to the wife and her new freedom. Hope she gets alimony, the double wide, the truck, the fising tackle, the wide screen TV, the lounge chair and refrigerator (the ones inside and the ones on the pourch), and takes him to the divorce court cleaner. | |
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