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| He Left?
Posted: 5/7/2008 2:21:17 PM |
And we really dont know if there was an affair except in his mind..............she may have been making plans to leave the home for one reason or another.....we dont know.........It was by all accounts not a great marriage
All this bickering b ack and forth over a post that we dont even know has any truth is sure showing people's personalities............And if she is a "SLUT" (not my word its disgusting) and if he was a miserable husband and abusive has no relevence to the fact he involved his chidren(no matter what the age) in a situation that was HIS to handle.
i said that a looooong time ago, numerous times and was still bashed for it. we don't even know exactly how the boys got involved. the impression i got was they found out on their own without their father telling them. who knows? and honestly, who really cares anymore? we'll never find out since the guy was probably scared off from answering anything anyway. | |
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| He Left?
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:45:56 PM | | The OP was NOT scared off. He did not get the support he felt he obviously was warranted which is why he started two other threads on the same topic and he still got smeared on the other two, therefore, he cancelled his account more than likely in total embarrassment, which is the only smart thing he did pertaining to any of this. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:47:46 PM | bet you'd drop the ball too if you injured your back. Using your logic, if I were or you were to injur our backs and can no longer preform duties at work or in the bedroom, our wives or girlfriends should be alowed to go out and cheat...right?
His back injury was NEVER cited by him as a reason for his wife's alleged infidelity. I know plenty of men who have disabilities, are on walkers even, and they NEVER have to use physical strength/force to get their teenage/young adult children to obey them.
I UNDERSTAND that a spouses' serious illness/injury/disabling condition sometimes causes cheating or even divorce... please quote me where the OPs posts reference his back injury as even a POSSIBLE cause for his wife's alleged cheating. But the OP only referenced his back injury as an excuse/justification to let his sons go to this other guys house and act like hooligans,because they THOUGHT their mother was there. I did get a sense that the OP encouraged his sons participation because he was afraid that the alleged new boyfriend might assault him...if he was so afraid of getting his ass whipped, then he should have employed a different strategy( my thinking would be either with JUST his wife or his wife and a counselor).
Cindy O | |
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| He Left?
Posted: 5/7/2008 5:29:55 PM | people said he was abusive and controlling and a poor provider and just about everything under the sun. if i was a sensitive person to what others thought, i would have done the exact same thing if i was trashed the way this guy was. not everyone has thick enough skin to tolerate that kind of thing. when he started another thread, he may have worded the post differently so that there wasn't so much backlash. i don't know and i really don't care anymore. we're all being thickheaded with our view on this and it will never change because we don't have the info required to be able to debate this properly. toodles! | |
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| He Left?
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:13:24 PM | vicious_vixen wrote:
> People said he was abusive and controlling
Respectfully V V, there's not a doubt in my mind that he's both controlling and
manipulative. One of the first red flags was when he said, "We treated her like gold
spoiled her rotten, in the 19 years, and we get this kick in the nuts." This is someone
who's trying to elicit sympathy by dragging his kids into it. Not "I treated her like
gold," or "I get kick in the nuts", but rather "we".
Also be suspect of someone who says they always treated someone else like
gold and then that person just abandon them. His whole postings just reek of
someone another person might want to flee from, and certainly enough folks
even on this thread were able to read between the lines to pick up on that one.
Moreover, in another post, he talk about how "after she got caught we sat down
as a family, I tried to work things out,she tells me to give her some time and space..."
Sat down as a family? This is a marital issue, a private issue, the sort of issue
a husband and wife talk about behind closed doors or with a counselor, and only
a controlling, manipulative parent would allow his boys in on such a thing. That
wasn't a talk, but rather what could only be called a cohesive ambush... a father
using his own boys to guilt and shame their mother.
The point being this: don't kid yourself that we know absolutely nothing about
this situation because there's enough evidence there -- direct and indirect --
to not only suggest a father who has a lack of healthy boundaries where his
marriage and where his teen kids are concern (who, even at ages 17 and 18
just don't have the life experience to be able to handle this stuff in any
emotionally mature way) , but also a father who apparently quite deliberately
allows his boys to get involved in matters for his own self-serving manipulative
and controlling ends.
This is not at all to condone what the original posters wife did in having an affair,
but only to say that all he's written makes it highly suspect if for all those years
he reportedly treated her like gold. His own writings suggest otherwise.
Apolinary | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:14:58 PM |
His back injury was NEVER cited by him as a reason for his wife's alleged infidelity. I know plenty of men who have disabilities, are on walkers even, and they NEVER have to use physical strength/force to get their teenage/young adult children to obey them.
Yes he may have not cited that his back was the reason to push his wife away in one way or another, but I am assuming ( and quite possibly quite right i might add) that his back injury was said reason.
Most men (including myself) have pride issues. maybe his pride is why he did not "put 2 and 2 together"?
Another point I'd like to add was I never stated that he needed or ever had to use physical assertion to reign in or propel his sons into action. Where on earth did you make the assumption that he ever was that kind of guy before his back injury? Furthermore, maybe his kids needed that assertion and could not get it after his injury. They may have taken over "some of the father's role" after his injury and in more ways than one ( excluding anything sexual of course) .
Not all kids at any age arre as obeidient as you would like them to be. plus not always is it the parents fault that kids behave the way they do. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:28:29 PM | Apolinary:
With all due respect, I do not see all the red flags you are talking about and 9i have read all of his posts on this subject quite a few times.
So what if he said he treated her like gold,. In and of itself it doen not arbitraialy construe the opposite meaning. (* that he treated her like shit). We all make mistakes. He may have been lessening his part in her needin to take action by saying that, but does it make it completly null and void. No.
He is obviously in the wrong as far as letting his kids be involved in this;hoever,I think that most of the posters hear were way too harsh with him. I know many of you will say that you werent hard enough on him and that if he can not take the heat to get out of the kitchen. What I am saying is he was obviously distraught and upset by this situations. We have a man who feels like less than a man who then has his kids come to his aid and even go as far as take his side on the issue. You might say that he manipulated his wife and kids for years. I am saying maybe he has become manipulated by hitting a major snag in his life. ( the back injury perhaps). | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 7:04:48 PM | Given the facts were as stated in the OP
Wife leaves....husband knows where she is......sons say lets go drag her out of there.......THEY GO
Father being the ADULT...HUSBAND.....HEAD OF THE HOUSE......Should have said..boys I understand your upset right now and so am I, however this is between your mother and I at the moment and I will handle this and see whats going on, right now everything is just conjecture....when your mother comes home we will talk and see where things go from here
Instead he took them to a home where he wasnt sure what would happen....got in a yelling match and was told to leave the property or the police would be called(understandable ont he homeowners part)...then left the boys come home and pack her bags............his back problems did not affect his mouth,
And obviously not his fingers to come in here and start 3 threads the second being PART 2 Stating the exact same thing as this one with a little more disgusting wording.
And then he says she wouldnt come home and work things out. SHE WAS THROWN OUT....................
I would say we have one side of a four part story............and a totally dsydfunctional family
And I wonder how much if any of it is true.....but it without a doubt got the POF er's taking sides..................It would seem we all read into it would we chose to gleen from it. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 7:15:48 PM | ^^^^Galnothemt:
I never said that he wasn't in the wrong by the way he handled things, but I do feel that many of us are in the wrong for trying to fill in plot holes and read between the lines..and crucify him without even a hint of mercy. My whole point has been we all like to think that we can and wil handlethings better or diffently. maybe differntly for sure, but I doi not know if we all can say we would handle this better.
Yes he threw her out, if she did in fact cheat..can you blame him. maybe he was being a little rash, then again, if you peice together all his posts, the story took place over a longer period of time and yes he should have stated this at the beginning. if as he said in all of his posts is true, then throwing her out was the best recourse. Now as for his kids being involved, yes despite them being older he should have gottne someone else involved who was not family ( i.e. a counsoler). the issue is for what ever reason he felt like he was losing everything and he went out on a limb. Sure he coukld have handled it better but he didn't. Still he did not need to be delt blow after blow to his character needlessly. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:08:43 PM | Apolinary, thanks for a great post -- You've saved me a lot of typing, since I could not have possibly summed up the "hinky" factor of the OP's post as succinctly and professionally as you did in your post.
Norse Viking, I hear what you're sayin' here, but have you really read back over ALL the responses (from men and women) directed to the OP? If you had, you wouldn't be able to say that ALL of them were overly harsh with/toward him. I heard a lot of sympathy expressed, and a lot of people agreeing that if the wife had an affair that her behavior was totally in the wrong.
You have to understand, the way someone expresses themselves has, for better or for worse, a great deal to reveal about them and their own view of themselves and their situation. I'm surprised that you claim not to see what's seemed a bit "off" to some of us about the OP's original post. Let me provide you with a few examples that just, as a woman and as a former police officer, raised the hairs at the back of my neck:
SHORT BUT SWEET-Me and my boys 18 & 17 caught my wife cheating As Apolinary and others have pointed out, this indicates some very established and long-running family dysfunction. OP could easily have stated, "O.k. here's my story -- I found out recently that my wife of 19 years has had an affair." But he didn't say it that way.
we went to the house were she was and low in behold find out that this guy still lives at home with mommy and daddy Rather than say, "I found out who she had the affair with, and all I can say is I don't see what she sees in him," he adds a derogatory remark about the supposed paramour. Who really knows why the alleged paramour lives with his parents, or they with him, it's irrelevant to the OPs situation, except that to make this comment reveals that one of the ways he deals with things is to to immediately stoop to ridicule. Not the sign, in my opinion, of a gracious man.
The boys called out for there mother to confront her but of course she went into hiding somewhere, the boyfriend the theatened us to get the hell out of here,(yelling at me and my kids) Why not say, "Hey, when I confronted the man I think had the affair with my wife, he told me to leave his property. I was upset. I wanted to talk to my wife, but she wouldn't come out of the house"?
my kids wanted to go ape chit on this guy I then calmed them down and im in no shape to do anything due to a back injury. To me this implied two things: first that he thought he was being a good person by calming his sons down, rather than realizing that he should not have brought them with him (not to mention he's managed to raise sons who think it's o.k. to solve problems with violence, after all what else could "go ape chit [sic]" mean than to become violent?); and 2) that the OP himself would have considered doing some damage to the alleged lover if he were not hampered by his disability. So far he's not presenting himself in a great light. Can you see that?
and of course she could not even come outside to defend her own kids!! I can just imagine the whipsaw of this man's discussion style with his wife over the whole marriage. She's being confronted with an angry mob, essentially, or at least an angry potentially violent husband and he then critisizes the fact that she remains inside, where it's safe? He throws it back at her, when he's not even considering the welfare of his sons in allowing them to take charge of this situation, as he clearly did. (See his comments just after that quote, where the kids arrange for her things to be packed and delivered to her.)
...[The kids] told the friend that she can take there mothers stuff back to the boyfriends house if thats where she would like to stay, rather than staying at our own house.and working things out.(*emphasis added here) I read this as an ultimatum, and I'd have a problem with this even if it were not the kids who were making it (or so it seemed by how the OP wrote out the chronology). The ultimatum was "you can come home if you want to work things out, but otherwise, here's your sh1t and stay the he!! away". Obviously we would probably all react emotionally to having a spouse cheat, but come on just because they did so does not mean that they loose residency rights in the marital home. The change in living arrangements is governed not only by decency and graciousness, but also by laws.
At this point she does not want to try and seek proper help,(talking to the wrong friends) This just screams that the OP would not believe anyone was the "proper help" unless said help/friends were encouraging his wife to return to him. He doesn't state that he's encouraging her to get counseling and he's planning to go to a counselor on his own, or he's begging her to go with him, just that she's talking to the wrong friends.
We treated her like gold ,spoiled her rotten, in the 19 years, and we get this kick in the nuts. Apolinary analyzed this very well.
Me and the boys are wondering is she messed up?? talking to the wrong people?hearing what she wants to hear?bottom line is, is she going to hit rock bottom and realize YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL ITS GONE?? and one last thing how much time do I give her to realize this big misstake. ANY ADVICE FOR US.
While it might indeed be true that the OP's wife regretted her alleged affair, the way this is stated is so focused on her screwing up the situation, and when will she realize she's done this thing to us (me and my boys), rather than focusing on himself and how angry he is and perhaps asking for advice on how he can move on and choose a better partner, to heal from this great hurt, etc.
I know this was long and drawn out, and for that I apologize. But it just really surprises me that anyone could read the OP's post and not at least get a little niggling sense that something's not quite right there (beyond all that's wrong in his situation as he himself presented it). The tone and tenor of his entire post (and the "update" that later followed in a separate thread) was reactionary and self-centered. Somewhere deep in the middle earth of this thread someone pointed out that we all do really dumb sh1t when we go through crisis in our lives, and this is obviously a time of crisis in the OP's life. But the way he presented himself, both on his profile and in his posts, just reflects someone who will take it all personally, refuse to look or reflect inward at all in trying to understand his wife's actions, and will likely end up with a blaming "woe is me" mentality about the whole event.
O.k., and before any of you feel you have to mention that some people just type better than others, and some are more practiced at writing and otherwise expressing themselves -- I agree. And if it was just the grammatical errors and spelling typos that were "off" about the OP's post, that'd be one thing. But it's all that combined with the import of his choice of words and phrases, what he chooses to emphasize, etc. This guy did not deserve to have a wife cheat on him. But he also didn't set himself up well to gain sympathy and approbation here, just by the way he presented his situation. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:23:41 PM | | Y'all are so psycho, there's a spot reserved for you on the next remake of Jerry Springer. | |
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| He Left?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:39:05 PM | IT IS TRULYABOUT GOOD PARENTING.
And the mother showed good parenting! | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:44:56 PM | locario :
I must say that you do bring a very educated veiw point to this based upon your background. I respect your veiw point and I can see how you arived at your point. very well read I might add. However, I will go a step further as to why he may have acted at least recently and to why he wrote the way he did.
All we know about the O.P. Livewire 41 is what he told us for the most part and what we all take from what he wrote. that being said, how do we know he did not become bitter and twisted as you pointed out, from after his back injury. When most men lose their manhood in some way, shape or form, it changes them. Maybe he did not set himself up to gain sympathy as you pointed out. however, he may have been a great husband befor ehis life went. maybe he simply lives vicariously thru his sons as he is no longer in the best health. Furthermore, I believe that he is not the brightest crayon in the box, but that does not mean that he is not a human. We all make mistakes, and I never said that he didn't. I am just saying that Most, not all, posters here are reading into this too deeply and not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Did he cause maybe an unrepairable breach in his marriage? Perhapse? Does not mean he can not learn and grow. What many posters did is just critisize him and maybe be fairly maybe not. I just think some of us did go overboard. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:02:57 PM | IT IS TRULYABOUT GOOD PARENTING.
And the mother showed good parenting!
Just as there is no evidence that she cheated, there is no evidence that she was a good parent either. Did she talk to the kids? Did she take a moral high ground by dumping her man and heading to divorce court if he was as bad as some of you think he is? Now we are really making a stretch in logic. I think they are both horrible parents. he for not taking a stand, and her for not solidifying her role and for potentially breaking vows. | |
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BDespy
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Joined: 4/9/2006
Msg: 590 | |
| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 1:03:03 AM | What really gets me is that some people assumed that the wife must've been in a controlling relationship because she had a friend take her over there.....
No way. I firmly believe it is more likely she used her friend to cover her tracks. When people cheat, they try to hide it, and what better way to hide it than, "So and So is coming to pick me up and we're (insert random activity here) tonight."
But because the OP had support from his sons, he must be an overbearing, waste of a human.
I'm going to have to agree with Vixen here. If a woman had posted this same thing, no one would be making those assumptions about her. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:11:01 AM | Norse
one of the boys did catch her having coffee with the BF after the hubby said that he wanted to work things out and the hubby said that the BF could not be in the picture and that she was not to be talking or seeing him and she did. than when the son asked her about him she lied to the son and said she had not seen or been with him. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:41:43 AM | | "Caught her having coffee". Did her son follow her to make sure she was following dad's rules? Did dad recruit his sons to spy on their mother? They are all better off out of this dysfunction. What else is she not allowed to do? Her husband has already determined that everyone she knows is giving her bad advice. And I would suspect that if the wife doesn't think group think then maybe they should paint a big red A on her forehead? It all sounds very unhealthy to me. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 8:03:29 AM | FlukeSkywalker says:
Best wishes to the wife and her new freedom. Hope she gets alimony, the double wide, the truck, the fising tackle, the wide screen TV, the lounge chair and refrigerator (the ones inside and the ones on the pourch), and takes him to the divorce court cleaner.
right on man! i think that is the funniest thing ive heard in a long time! | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:08:44 PM |
locario wrote:
> I know this was long and drawn out, and for that I apologize. But it just really
> surprises me that anyone could read the OP's post and not at least get a little
> niggling sense that something's not quite right there...
Precisely right -- it is not just one thing that gives suggestion of a man who
is seemingly acting with his family members in a manipulative and controlling
manner, but rather the cluster of a goodly number of things he said which more
than just a little give that niggling sense that something's not quite right here.
Apolinary | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:03:40 PM |
Norse
one of the boys did catch her having coffee with the BF after the hubby said that he wanted to work things out and the hubby said that the BF could not be in the picture and that she was not to be talking or seeing him and she did. than when the son asked her about him she lied to the son and said she had not seen or been with him.
She not only is a cheater but aa liar too..So what if it protected the child, he caught her in a lie. I think lying is not good parenting at any level. Besides her eword is doubley bad as she said she agreed to work things out with her husband but goes to talk to her man on the side anyways. She is a bad role model and I feel sorry for the kids. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:15:11 PM | ALLEGED ABUSER AND CONTROLLER, MANIPULATOR, BAD HUSBAND AND BAD FATHER!
why don't we all just agree to disagree and move on?! | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:19:08 PM | An emergency hot-line has been set up for all the people suffering from this new addiction...KPHB.
CALL NOW! Help is waiting for you. We will wean you from this thread and return you to sanity. You WILL enjoy life again, maybe even participate in the food threads. (heehee...cool people there)
Call 1-800-END-KPHB
Don't hesitate...it is obvious this is a growing problem and must be stopped now! There IS life after KPHB.
Signs you are suffering from KPHB addiction:
you repeatedly come back to this dead thread
you have said the same thing in more than 10 different ways
you have decided the wife is your best friend/future girlfriend
you said you were through with it...more than once
you want to adopt the boys
you insulted fellow posters
you exchange e-mails about this thread
and finally...
you miss the OP | |
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| He Left?
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:40:28 PM | Apolinary~ Said very eloquently. Thank you...kids do not need to be into their parents marital issues at any age. I feel bad for any child that has to be made a part of any turmoil. They will see enough out in the world, and home should be a loving warm place to retreat to. Thank you for your insight and wisdom....and the kindness in delivering the message. | |
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| Kids packed her bags!!
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:43:52 PM | Nautical....could you repeat the phone number please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that an 800 no. or an 866?
And who answers...........is it the supposed bf or his parents?
If you could answer before I get withdrawal it would be much appreciated......... | |
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