| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:38:07 PM | I couldn`t care less what anyone says about me.The worse thing my ex husband ever said to me was that I have never done anything for our two children.Considering that I am the one raising them since they were 2 and 6 without any help from him and he hasn`t seen his youngest son in 5 years I don`t have to get past it.I simply refuse to speak to him,ever again.Oh Yes,I can hold a crutch and in this case it`ll be for the rest of his miserable life
If you have to get past something some ex said to you then your confidence wasn`t all that to begin with.Believe in yourself !! | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 52 | |
| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/30/2008 11:45:52 AM | | What about the hurtful things done by exe's too,How do we move past the anger,resentment,the emotional scars left by someone who we loved so much at one time?I hear all the time that Time is the biggest healer,but doesnt seem to be coming fast enough for me,Iam deeply wounded and my heart been broken by this person,What makes them hate so much and be bitter? How could they look at it"Like we Never Loved At All? I know for me I need some closure,before I can Move ON,,,easier said than done... | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/30/2008 12:16:49 PM | Ah yes olseadog...you are SO right! There are two sides to every story. Actually three. I know you and your new lady love are PERFECTLY justified in your actions and reactions to the whining, attention seeking, drunk, mentally deranged person you once had in your life.
I wish you love, light and all the happiness you have in your hearts for one another! 
From: One who knows..... | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/30/2008 12:47:32 PM | Write every bad thing he said about you or to you on a piece of paper and read it. After you read it , say to your self these are merely words that cannot hurt me unless I allow it. Then burn IT. All those bad words will go up in smoke and then put it in the past and walk away.
Now you have taken control of your life back. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:50:03 PM | Either this fellow doesn't know what he wants or is a real nut! All the things I once loved about you he now hates??? Does that make any real sense??? You know what gal? He doesn't make you who you are. He didn't then when he was with you and he certainly doesn't now. I don't mean to preach but the real reason we fall for someone is the way they make us feel. Deep down you have to know that you would never want to be with someone who could ever even think hateful thoughts about you. God made you---and because of this YOU are wonderfully made. God doesn't mess up or make mistakes. He saved you from a situation that you weren't willing to get out of but that He knew would not be good for you.
It takes time to heal and you will have to give yourself that. Go easy on yourself and spend some time getting to know you again.
Anyone of us that have ever opened our hearts have one way or another been hurt but why should we look at that as if "we" weren't good enough??? How about instead telling yourself that the two of your weren't meant for each other. Sometimes, it takes a lot of time to find that one special someone and when you do he won't treat you like dirt. The one you are looking for will be the one that loves you warts and all. His imperfections will be perfections for you because you will open your heart to one deserving of you---not just someone who happened along.
There is an a huge difference between finding Mr. Right or just finding Mr. Right Now.
Don't be so quick next time to give your heart away. Get to know the real person you are spending time with. I know you've heard this a zillion times but it is worth repeating----we women aren't made like men---we can't have casual sex and not get emotionally attached. That is something you really need to hold back on until you know the guy and know what he is really like. Sex too fast seems kinda cool at first but it almost always ends up a mistake. Sometimes women think they will lose a man by waiting but if he is really the right one for you he will wait---otherwise---the story tells itself. He will be gone after the newness wears off if sex was what he was after to begin with.
I know I sort of got off the subject that you wrote about but I think this was part of what your ex was after in the first place and by putting you down like he did he somehow felt better about ending things. He sounds like the one with the problem and he was trying to make it yours. You can't change him and why would you want to? You are better off without him. Now your free to move on. Stop and take a look around at all you have and be thankful for that. Believe it or not there are plenty of fish in the sea and it is time for you to cast your heart in some new water!! | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:32:32 PM | | I forgot the most important part of that message - I am happy now - new man, new life. My ex was a mean-spirited person with no humour or empathy. At the time he said those things, they slayed me and made me feel ugly. Time reveals the truth about you and the exes that never deserved you!!! | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/1/2008 2:29:09 AM | Time heals all wounds.
I have been there. He was abusive and eventually I believed what he said about me.
i'll tell you the way I was told at the safe house I had to go to when I finally left him : Your not to blame, don't put yourself down or feel you have failed- he failed you by his insensitive wounding words. His insecurities lashed out. Surround yourself with positve people and things. Give yourself time to heal before getting into another relationship. Smile and whatever you do---don't communicate with the creep because he'll continue to verbally abuse you as long as you'll allow him to. Hurting you gives him a sick, childish sense of power. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/1/2008 8:09:11 AM | Sometimes.(in my expierence)..people will do or say things when they are very insecure..so they strike out at someone who is close to them...please don't take everything he says at face value,,,believe me there is someone out there who will appreciate those"quirks" and silly ideas...his loss..someone elses..gain..you are NOT temporarialy(sp) loveable..believe me..been there..done that..sometimes I still feel that way..one thing you can do is get to know you again...this is important...allow yourself some room/space before you start dating again...don't let someone cut you down or walk on you...You are special,,and believe me the right guy will appreciate and love these things about you!!
KJ | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/1/2008 10:41:08 AM | I’m half afraid to comment on this one, but it is so inviting, and I am so weak – lol – gotta have my say.
Relationships can be difficult for people who grow attached to each other only to find they are wrong together, whether those are short or long term relationships, let alone the breakups that inevitably follow. I have read through a lot of your thread responses. While a lot of them offer very good advice and a lot of well-intended empathy is being given here, the truth of the matter is there are “stages that we all go through” as the hurt party of ending relationships - perhaps feeling those stages a lot more severely than the party that left. Words spoken during those stages by the most hurt party in particular, either party in general, often reflect nothing with respect to the speaker or their true feelings toward you except perhaps mostly just their own hurt.
In a breakup, we go through many stages from initial shock and denial, disbelief and hurt, feeling cheated, lied to, and deceived, and the consequent bitterness and anger, to eventually move into acceptance and readiness to move on. This can take some time, depending on the relationship, and a whole bunch of complicating factors. You might want to Google “Stages of Grief” or “Breakups”. Angry or hurtful words spoken at the end of relationship really should, as much as possible first be controlled and second, as much as possible, almost be ignored. They need to be taken and handled with a lot of maturity. It is easy for breakups to break down and become very nasty. Avoid that at all cost if you can. I have notice that some very wise advice has been given in list format with respect to points of appropriate behavior during the breakup process in some of the forums. Again, the advice may be a bit hard to follow, but it is good advice. Also, getting through a breakup and healing does take time, but God willing, you and all will be okay.
I will say that as wrong as your boyfriend’s behavior is, your posting his hurting and hurtful comments in this forum is also a hurtful behavior and not a nice thing to do. He is getting quite whipped here for being wrong perhaps, but quite normal is his hurting comments given in all probability the pain he is likely going through right now as well. I would not take any such benign comments as presented in your thread too seriously right now. They clearly reflect his own hurt and desire to hurt you in turn. It’s only words. I think he will regret those words, and I hope you both can minimize any damage you might do to each other as you go through these stages by working at staying as cool and wise and non-vindictive one to the other as you possibly can – in fact, not at all if at all possible. Who knows, one day you might be able to laugh together at how silly you both were and both behaved. Take care and good luck. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:21:41 AM | MM some exs like to throw in a few nasty remarks unfortunately .Emotion is a strange thing when it gets heated in the frustration way.People can say cruel things.
Truth is , the last bloke that tore into me , was a few years back, them words still stick, even now, but in the beginning i would think about it on rare occasions, when i was feeling quite low and believe what he said, but as hard as it is, you have to try rise above it.Does take time, just tell yourself, no one has the right to put anyone down.There will be someone out there who will treat you like you desreve.
I have a circle of wonderful friends and family who put me in check if i ever think negative now.But as i say its been hard to build myself back up and i`m about there.Took 3 years though ! | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:27:58 PM | yeah i was in an abusive relationship, both mentally and physicly. and even now he calls me names... but i dont take it personally anymore, every thing he ever did to me, has made me stronger, and even when he calls me names now, i laugh, cos i know its not true.
dont let someone like that bring you down. | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 65 | |
| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/3/2008 4:19:26 PM | My ex I met on this site,and he continues to torment me to this day,Iam so much better off not living that life of Hell with him,he was a drunk,cheater,no job,no car,no home of his own,he lied and cheated everyone around him,physically,verbally abused me on daily basis,all he lived for was a drink,even left me when my mom was dyin,but what gets me is why does he continue to hold onto the things I gave him? He has since moved in this skanky woman and she and him are living with my things and those of my mothers,seems to me if he was thru with me,why would he want all the love things I gave him?Also,he and her are together,yet continue to be on this site!LOL,its just a game he plays and I know when I find my Love again,I will be off of here so fast!  it will be adios pof! woohoo! | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/3/2008 4:54:50 PM | You know what?.... Your ex is an ass hole. What he said to you is his problem. It's surely not you. You are who you are and if he liked it in the beginning then he's the one who has a big problem. Don't ever change yourself unless it's your choice and it's a good thing.
We all have quirky habit and things about us that make us unique. Love yourself for them and know there is always someone out there who will love you for you.
Write down 10 things you love about yourself. If you have to tape them to the bathroom mirror and places all over your house. You are the best. Everything you do is a wonderful thing. Keep smiling even when you don't feel like it.
I love myself and wouldn't want to be anyone else. Keep saying that over and over.
Laugh a lot. Some days just act silly. I'm 51 and never act my age. Being like that has kept me young. Yes, there are days that are not as good as others but I have to reach deep down inside and remember I'm a special person.
Don't let yourself down. Be true to yourself.  | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:15:46 PM | Among other horrendous statements I had almost the exact same thing said to me:
"I never meant any apology I ever gave you, I only said them to shut you up."
"You have problems, the only problem I have is you".
And so I fixed his problem. Now I'm not going to pretend my heart doesn't still ache. This was a marriage of 10 years. I believe he did the best he could. But I want to turn you on to an idea and a website. There's a book called "The Pyscopath Next Door". It basically indicates that all people with antisocial personality problems are not serial killers. There's a list of behavior. My ex fit almost every one of them. I believe he has a mental disorder that sadly cannot be cured. Empathy is missing from their psyche and it cannot be attained. You were abused and a bit brainwashed and it isn't your fault. And you still ache because you gave this relationship more credit than it was due. Their skill is convincing others that they DO have feelings when most of their life is an act.
The website is youarenotcrazy dot com or you'renotcrazy dot com do a search. It won't take away all the hurt, but it might ease the sting. Usually this kind of thing goes undiscussed because the relationship has many secrets. I'm just guessing, but it sounds awfully familiar. And maybe someone else will find help too. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/4/2008 11:53:03 AM | Time heals all wounds.
We hear this all the time, but why does time heal all wounds? Because over time we forget about the hurt. Forget is the operative word here. In other words we stop thinking about it and start thinking about other things. If all it takes is time to make you forget, why not take control and decide for yourself how much time it is going to take?
Your mind can be a wonderful friend or it can be like an obnoxious person that keeps bugging until you have enough courage to tell that person to go away and stop bugging you. When that obnoxious person in your mind reminds you of the hurt, talk to it like you would an obnoxious person. Keep telling those thoughts to go away and stop bugging you. Tell them I don't want to go there. Get out and leave me alone.
At first it will be hard just like it is with the obnoxious person, but over time (which is now under your control) the hurtful thoughts will go away and leave you alone.
Or you can wait and wait and wait until time heals the wounds. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:50:21 PM | Verbal abuse is like any other form of abuse....it' all about CONTROL. Any verbal put down, insult, name calling etc. is all about underminign your self esteem so they can try to exert control over you.
If anybody abuses you, cut them out of your life COMPLETELY, and don't let them back in. Remmber that a lot of this shit they say has little to no basis whatsoever in fact. And even if it doesn, they still have no right to verbally abuse you.
Having said that, dont' let anything that people say to or about you effect you, becuase if you let somebody make you feel bad, then you're passing over control onto THEM, and these people are generally not worth it anyhow.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said that nobody had the power to make you feel bad about yourself without your permission....truer words were never spoken. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:22:12 PM | Well I was in a similar situation but me and my ex share two children.Our breakup took place when I was five and a half months pregnant with our second child.After I had our son he was suppose to come and his children.I guess I called one to many times so he decided to tell while on a greyhound bus and I quote"I hate everything about you".That hit me hard so I went into a very depressed state where I was constantly crying on a daily basis until one day I asked myself"why am I giving him so much power over me who gives a f#*k what he thinks hes just one man".So I say to you take back your power yeah it hurts because you may think how could you have been with somebody like that and I also said the same but never give a man the satisfaction for him to think he won YOU WILL BE JUST FINE. Also look in the mirror and say he's CRAZY. With that said don't let what he said affect you in anyway because the first person who thinks you're beautiful should be YOU. Hope this helps.  | |
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