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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:39:19 AM | | No. If you apply the same reactions from past relationships, you may end up getting he same results. It's easy to be predictable w/ yourself & a relationship. It's scarier than hell to be who you truly are & let the true you shine...no games. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:46:17 AM | No I dont think Love should hurt.
I do think there will be some fear especially if you had a bad relationship but it does not mean pain. If it is that painful, are you ready to date.
The only reasonable pain I can see is death in old age, by accident, etc. Even money constraints should not be painful if your both working to fix it. The satisfaction of working as a team would not be painful.
So, I can not see Pain coming in a real loving relatiosnhip. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/23/2008 11:31:46 AM | Love doesn't hurt - what hurts is the fear (anxiety/anticipation) that it could end! At the ripe old age of 45, I am in love. And yes, it hurts sometimes - and not because we've fought or even argued, it hurts sometimes just to think about the possibility of living someday without this incredibly intense feeling! A woman I work with's husband was killed in a freak auto accident a few weeks ago. The mere thought of something like that happening was unbearably painful.
But loving in and of itself doesn't hurt, ever.  | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/23/2008 11:39:08 AM | Few of us are fortunate enough to have loves that don't hurt at some point but it is not necessary to substantiate love, perhaps make one appreciate it more, but not necessary for its existence.
There is enough pain in daily living coming from outside a relationship that allows an individual to relish the safe happy place he/she shares with his/her mate so appreciating the good times does not require hurting IN the relationship.
Love often hurts because most of us do not know how to do it well. Behavior like cheating and hatefulness aside, most pain associated with love is not derived from something the other person does or does not do, it is the fear that the love is not strong enough to keep that person in one's life that causes pain.
The other side of it is that real love sometimes happens with the wrong people and that too causes pain because they are taking that real love and twisting it with selfishness, insecurity, anger, bitterness or other actions and while it may remain real and true on the one side, it no longer is on the other. Love is not static. It can either be nurtured or ripped apart.
Love with the right person does not hurt; the trials of life just make it stronger and it is a salve for hurting from other sources. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/23/2008 11:46:55 AM | No, I don't believe it HAS to hurt to be real. However when it does, I think it indicates that it was in fact - real.
"Loving someone is giving them the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to" | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:35:33 PM | True love hurts and through the pain you find courage. It doesnt last forever and through the pain you realize eventually that it is better to love than not to. My girlfriend and i broke up and have seen each other recently. We both cry and hold each other and realize that now is not the right time for us. Do we love each other?
Yes. Does it hurt? Most certaintly. Through pain you find growth and change. I agree that to have anything worthwhile you sometimes have to suffer and accept it. There is no easy way. Besides you really wouldnt want it easy anyway. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/23/2008 11:13:34 PM | When you are in love,you will know. Your whole being will glow with such vibrant colors,enough light to shine for all eternity.Open your hearts and let love in....  tr7. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 3:03:35 AM | yes and no. true love requires that you allow yourself to feel all the feelings that go with it, the good and the bad. if a person is unable to fully open themself to the possibility that they could get hurt, they aren't allowing themself to love fully.
if it didn't hurt we might not know how real it is! | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 3:07:28 AM | No. Love doesn't have to hurt to be real.
There are going to be arguments, there's no doubt about that, but it shouldn't have to be the rough road. If you're good at communicating and respect each other, I think that it should be fine. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 7:16:49 AM | Must love hurt to be real, YES........
We must first understand our partners who we are in love with, they must understand us as well, there remains a trust that our partner will never cause us pain, yet life experiences teaches us different,, because many of us have been hurt by love.. as our years increase, our wisdom becomes more defined, our communication improves, then hopefully learn, how not to hurt our partner, yes our partner trusts us not to hurt them,,we sometimes fail at that. However, a good relationship, hurt will be less frequent, if we take the time to learn about each other and avoid the things that may hurt them.. we have to trust in our selves not to cause pain,, why because of our love for the other.. yet when we do fail,, our partner will also trust in us, that we are not perfect,, therefore forgiveness,
In the name of love,, is offered..
With that,, pain can come through love,, with no fault of the other,, I watched and helped my wife die of cancer, The sad thing is, to watch her pain and suffering, there is not a dam thing you can do,, other than be there for her, yes,, my heart hurt every dam day,, yet I loved her everyday,, people can experience love and pain at the same moment in the, they can coexist,,
There was a time,, when my wife was getting a chemo injection, I was there for every one, as I watched, held her hand, her tears would flow because of the pain of that nasty drug, my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest,,I couldn't take it anymore..I so much wanted to feel her pain,, and loose mine and take her pain,, I asked the nurse, if I could have a shot, she asked why,, I said I need to feel Penny's pain,, the nurse asked me, are you sure you want to do this,, I said yes, that nurse prepared that needle for my injection,, mean while, my wife was pleading for me not too.. I couldn't honor her wishes,, I just had to feel her pain,, I was given that shot, I felt nothing,, the nurse looked at me,, in amazement, and said I couldn't give you what your wife is getting,, I gave you sugar water,, to this day I wish I had felt her pain,,
Yes,, love and hurt/pain they always have a role to play,, it's what we choose to do with both of those big/little words,,  | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 7:54:14 AM | ^^thank you rdcnorm...what a humbling story.
i was going to write i don't believe love itself is the cause of pain - ever. i believe love is what helps us with our pain, blanketing the hurt and helps us through those feelings of whatever is hurting in us.
when i read the above story, i wondered if love and pain are one after all - but realize i still believe it is not love itself that hurts, but our attachments that cause our pain.
in his case, he was attached to wishing to remove his wife's pain - so extremely honorable, and could be seen as his love caused his pain, but not really. his love loved her enough to be there and love her and help with her pain as much as he could - it was the frustration of not doing as much as he would have wished that was painful.
they say most of our beliefs and feelings and actions come from either fear or love. when we are in fear, whether it's a feeling of loss, or anger, or sadness, or frustration -practically any emotion can come from fear - we will feel hurt.
when we are in a state of love (and i believe love is our natural state of being manifesting in our feelings and actions - so a verb, noun, adverb, adjective...all of it),
i think if it is the underlying belief and thought, then it is what we will always return to in our awareness - that when we/i feel most humbled, we/i feel most loving....
of course this has to come from the base belief that i am responsible for my self and not blaming others or looking to others for why i feel as i do.
it gets complicated when we are afraid to love....fearful of love and i think this is one of the saddest and biggest distortions we live with today - fear of getting hurt is actually only fear, i think. not fear of love itself.
and so perhaps this distortion has also manifested in this idea that love hurts and if it doesn't hurt, it's not love.
i would much rather turn it around and say love brings joy, beauty, bliss, light, energy, truth, help, freedom, understanding......and if it's not those things, then it's not love.
p.s. edit to add - sorry as this post is so long already - i just re-read the original post again and realized you have the truth in your post already, op.
you wrote, "We give up our trust, and our heart. Its inevitable that true love never runs its course smoothly."
and if i add the word 'when' to start that sentence, that is when love seems to hurt.
SO, don't give up your heart or trust! don't give your power away, as they say. don't let another be responsible for your heart or trust. they are yours. you love by seeing that love and trust in others, as you have in your Self. I think that is what true love is. but don't get attached to it always being reflected back to you - for whatever you put out is reflected back....what comes back. it is the idea of unconditional love - i think if you truly can love (live) unconditionally, then the hurt will be far less for it's those conditions/expectations/agreements/attachments that lead to fear/belief in loss of love/hurt. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 8:44:31 AM |
in his case, he was attached to wishing to remove his wife's pain - so extremely honorable, and could be seen as his love caused his pain, but not really. his love loved her enough to be there and love her and help with her pain as much as he could - it was the frustration of not doing as much as he would have wished that was painful.
Thank you,,but please don't tell me how I might have felt..or even if I were frustrated, I have seen that way to often, from people with good intentions,, yet,, they have no clue,, "unless you walked" in "our hearts"
I know I posted my thoughts, "just as moment in time" but not for an analyse of me.. what is painful is watching someone you love die, not what we can to help.. but rather,, because we love them so,, we want to share in their pain,, to help us understand,, that same thing would hold true, if our partner were happy,, we would want to share in that as well.. sometimes helpless,, yes,, but that is part of life we are not always in control of,,
here is an example of trying to share in someones happiness,, I watched tears of joy come from her eyes,, now I knew she was happy,, yet I tried to understand those tears, I used to think tears were just from sadness,, I could never understand it,, until one day something profound happened to me,, I dropped to my knees with such joy,, the tears just flowed,, the point is,, the more we learn about our partners,, the better understanding we become, and we grow through them and each other, that is so helpful, both is our happiness and avoidance of hurt/pain... | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 8:50:38 AM | ^^i'm sorry. i was wrong to have projected my ideas onto your experience...to use your post as i did. thank you for telling me and sharing more.
(i have had a similar experience with the closest woman in my life-'my second mom'- dying of cancer earlier this year.) | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 8:59:17 AM | IT hurts because you care so much, and to care so much is beautiful so there is beauty in the pain I think.
"come on baby make it hurt so good, sometimes love don't feel like it should, you make it hurt so good" | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 9:59:23 AM | WeAre1
no problem,, apology accepted,, no harm done,,
It's hard not to project what we have lived and experienced into someone else's life.. I do it many times, I think it comes from my wisdom, or lack of,, but I know after everything is said and done,, someones intention is what is most important,, malice in never the intent,,
I remember sitting at bar, grabbing a bit to to eat,, there was a couple who just walked in,, they sat across from me,, I'm only guessing,, but close to 75 yrs old,, but there they sat,, sipping martini's,, hold hands, laughing,, their eyes and smiles said it all,, they were in love,, I asked the bar tender to send over two drinks,, the little woman,, rose from the bar stool and walked over to me,, she said thank you,, do we know you,, I said no,, you just remind me of a place I was going to be in 30yrs,, she smiled and hugged me,, then said,, it was a lot of work to get here, "45" worth all the love and hardships,,
true story,,,,,,,that cute little woman was and is right......... | |
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ikiera
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Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 43 | |
| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:46:54 AM | rdcnorm wrote:
Yes,, love and hurt/pain they always have a role to play,, it's what we choose to do with both of those big/little words,
Thank you rdcnorm, for sharing that, you must miss her.
Love must hurt to be real?
I think that pain comes in ways that we'd never expect. While I have felt hurt by what I thought was love, it was alas my interpretation of not being loved, which is a very different thing IMO.
Love has never caused me pain, it is the experience that is taking place that causes the pain. Loss and abandonment will always cause me pain, whether it be loosing a true love to death or a choice that one or the other makes, I experience grief which I am told is perfectly natural. The love never leaves, therefore it isn't what has caused the pain, it is the belief that something has gone from my life, which I never owned to begin with, that has caused me pain in my past.
After two major breakups, I still have reason to miss both those men that I still do love them, but I don't hurt because of it, nor would I choose to be with either of them again. I won't forget the connection we had, the love we shared, the important moments that took place in our lives together.... I don't remember the pain, so I don't think it could have been attached to the love.
Pain happens within, love happens between, two different things all together I think. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:50:10 AM | | This is philosophical bs. Spend your time loving one another, not worrying about whether it should hurt. Besides, if it hurts, you are probably doing it wrong. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/26/2008 11:39:25 AM |
yes and no. true love requires that you allow yourself to feel all the feelings that go with it, the good and the bad. if a person is unable to fully open themself to the possibility that they could get hurt, they aren't allowing themself to love fully.
if it didn't hurt we might not know how real it is!
There is such a varied response to this question , but nevertheless, each one is totally correct given the context. If love wasn't fraught with emotion , which it certainly is , then there wouldn't be any hurt or any strong feelings one way or the other. Strong passions within a relationship on how each other responds to one another, misses the other when they are absent, exhibits emotion when the communication is not always forthcoming can be painful at times but gives credibility that the love is real.  | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/26/2008 3:02:46 PM |
If love is hurting you are with the wrong person or you have got some serious issues of your own.
If that is true,, I'm going to guess you are a lucky man, and never had to feel pain for someone you loved,, good for you,, | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/26/2008 3:50:34 PM | I could actually feel the emotion in your post. Just to offer it, I have a nice hug with no strings attached if you ever want one.
Now, I cannot answer your question. However, I can offer some advice.
A relationship consists of two parts according to the Bible.
Part one is where the man asks for a wife. He prepares himself, learns responsibility, and makes sure that he is capable of doing his job, and that is protecting her, loving her, and making sure that she has security and a place to call home. He is also responsible to pick the overall goals of the household and he must be prepared to hear what she is saying, make good decisions concerning it, then show her that she matters to him. He must examine her, take the time to talk to her, and help her achieve her goals so that she can become a fantastic wonderful woman to have.
Part two is where the woman makes the promise to be his wife. She must be prepared to honor her decision for the rest of her life. Her job is to prop him up, use her substantial strengths to help him achieve, provide a safe comfortable home for him to come home to. She should be prepared to spend her time with their kids, helping them, teaching them. She should have outside interests and be able to achieve personal goals with the help he is supposed to be offering.
Now you asked this question. Should love hurt? No. WILL love hurt? Absolutely!
One of the biggest ways it hurts is when he does not carry his side of the load. When he stops supporting you - when he is so envious that he cannot stand to see you succeed - when you need him to tell you no, but he refuses or doesn't understand that it is his job to do so.
But it can also hurt even worse when you use your strengths to overcome him instead of using them to prop him up. When you overcome him, you diminish him and make him less that what he could be. Is it easier? Absolutely! Is it right? Take a look at the henpecked mess you get afterwards and tell me if it is worth it. In emotional issues you are stronger than he is, and misuse of that strength can seriously damage him and your marriage.
Another thing that can totally hurt is mistrust. It is almost always started with selfishness. He is selfish and wants to do things that he knows will hurt you, then hides it... you want to do things that you know will hurt him, then you hide it.
Folks, he can feel that. She can feel that. He may have NO clue that it is happening, and she, likewise, can have no clue, but mentally, the tiny markers are there. The subtle shift in body odor, the tiny change in movement in the bedroom. The drop of a word that was always there. Trust me, the other knows. There is little that can destroy a relationship faster than breaking trust. But there is one thing that can kill it from the beginning!
Ladies, if you are really in it for a relationship, then submit only when you agree with him, then he will never have full trust in you. It will show in everything that you do. Even other people will notice it. He MUST know that your promise to him is absolute - nothing less will work. See, a man will put a HUGE amount of trust in his wife. If he feels that she will let him down and possibly destroy the entire life he is building, then he will never trust you.
It is hard for a man to love his wife when she is doing things that can hurt the marriage. That is why the Bible says for Husbands to Love their wives. We are told to love her ANYWAY. The trick is to define love. The Bible says that God disciplines those he loves. That word, discipline, actually means to take care of, teach, work with, prune, fertilize, bring up, help, care for if healthy, care for if sick. It means to make her strong. Make her confident. Give her the support network that will let her act with confidence - while at the same time taking the heat when she screws up unintentionally - but chastising her when she screws up intentionally. If she is truly yours, then she will not like it, but she will understand it and cherish it afterwards.
Ladies, we know that it is hard for you to listen to us when you disagree with us. This is why the Bible says that women should submit to their husbands. If you cannot submit when things get out of whack, then you are not committed. This does not mean that you are to submit to abuse. But if he says, "This is the correct path, I need you to help me follow it," and you disagree and say, "No, I'm not going that way, go my way or else", then you have broken faith with him. The word submit means to yield to his leadership, then throw everything you have behind it and support his decisions. It also does not mean that you have no say. You do. But the time to oppose his decision stops once the decision is made. After that decision is made, it is your job to support it and offer advice to achieve it. Trust me, NOT offering that advice, at least to me, is considered a betrayal.
When these conditions are met, then you are no longer two people. You are one person with two parts. Together, there is little to nothing that cannot be accomplished. You will have a happy life, full of adventure and triumph. The low spots will be hard, but after you go through them, you will be stronger, braver, and even more secure and happy.
Then does love hurt?
Yes, it will at times.
But do you know what?
Those low and painful spots will do nothing more than make the good times sweeter than the smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer morning. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:47:11 AM | Wow this turned into a bunch of gag me with a spoon moments since I posted. Ladies and gentleman, try controlling the seven deadly sins when your in love.... Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Envy, Wrath and Pride. Pride being the hardest for most of us to comprehend...
The original question is "Must love hurt to be real?" Not, Will love hurt?
And the answer is no if you control your emotions and your expectations. Anguish however is inevitable... | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/28/2008 1:48:04 AM | Wow; not getting this; I disagree totally; if you love someone and make yourself vulnerable you can get hurt but love doesn't hurt. Not a good one.
We dont' give up our trust, we give our trust. If we are mature and smart, we give it to the right person. Where love hurts is when we blindly trust someone we shouldnt trust but we wont see the truth.
You may wax poetically with your words but I disagree totally and I think your extremely far off but thanks for the post. | |
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| Love must hurt to be real?
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:47:37 AM | i wrote a long post, but it got complicated.
simply put, i think it's not love itself that hurts, but the lack of it - or believing it is missing, or not being reciprocated, or fearing it will be missing - so losing it or belieiving you are not loved by the other seems to be what hurts.
op, my question to you is - if you are so sure of your answer (mess. 50), why did you post the thread? and why be so cynical on all the variations of answers others interpreted your question as....besides, asking does love hurt to be real does imply does real love hurt? and your answer seems incredibly contradictory.....no, not if you control your emotions and expectations but anguish is inevitable??
my thought is it's the attachment to love that hurts - not love itself.
your warning against the seven deadly sins in love is valid, for they are strong distortions and often produce pain whenever they appear in any situation, i think (except maybe lust, but that's another whole subject.... :). | |
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