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 BlueEyedMinnow
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 26
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEXPage 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I think you should pay attention to what gadixie and buttons are saying to you. You know your friend on the outside of the 'family home'. Outside and with his buddies, he may be a charming, great, fun guy. But, what you don't know, is what may be going on on the inside of the 'family home'. Maybe he is abusive? Maybe he just doesn't listen to her emotional needs? Did all the romance END when HE said 'I Do"?

You know the old saying: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"??? Is what she saying not being heard by him? Viseversa? It takes a LOT to make a marriage, and the effort doesn't end at the "I Do's" They continue for a lifetime.

Take a closer look at the inside of their home/life and be objective enough to look beyond what HE is telling you. One day you will meet someone and maybe wish to be a life partner with that person. What you see now may be the best lesson you could possibly have for the success of your own future. Don't be so hasty to judge according to what you see on the surface - go in and look deeper. Listen with both ears - learn.
 K-lo
Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 27
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 7:26:38 AM

I thought people got married for love, not effort free sex.
Sex is an expression of love. In fact, it is the expression of love that can only be shared between the spouses. I'm not saying that is the only way a spouse can express love. I am saying, people can give and receive love in many ways, and in relationships outside of marriage . . i.e. friends, family, etc. But the only form of love that friends, family, etc. cannot provide is sex. That is reserved for the spouse. That is the one form of love that they can share together and know that only they will share that together.

I don't know a single man who is being deprived of sex by his wife who has not addressed this with his wife. They do it in all forms. They try to be subtle and caress her and be tender in the morning, or at night. And nothing. They outright tell her they really would like to have sex. And nothing. They ask for it. And nothing. They suggest that maybe it's a mental thing and perhaps a doctor visit would help - - and that never goes over well.

The women I know who actually had a physical problem. It bothered them. It bothered them that they were in pain when they had sex and could not make it a pleasureable experience with their husbands. So, they went to the friggin' doctor and fixed it.

These wives aren't stupid. They know they are upsetting their husbands by withholding sex. Perhaps it is they who should open up and explain why. Perhaps when their husbands try to broach the subject with them or initiate sex, they should do something other than: roll over and flinch; tell them "they're not in the mood;" give them the silent treatment; make them feel like they are a nuisance in their bed. Basically all of the things that ultimately push someone further away.

The men I know are not barbaric rapists. And, were they good lovers pre-marriage and then just turned into crappy lovers overnight? I doubt it. How hard do they have to try to get a little nookie from their spouses? And then, when she finally "gives in" - do you really think it's satisfying for the man to get "pity-sex" from his own wife?

If these women feel as if their husbands just want to "use their bodies" for their own physical gratification - have they considered that pre-marriage, sometimes they did have sex purely for physical reasons, and other times it was more emotional? Now, when they're only getting it once a month, or whatever, and they're doing it with a resistant partner who doesn't even act like she wants to be there . . how emotional and passionate is it really going to be?

Once married, sex is the one thing you can share with your spouse, and your spouse alone. Why would someone not want to share that? And if you say it's because he doesn't dust enough and do the dishes - well, I think that's ridiculous.
 LoonyTunz
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 28
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MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 7:44:55 AM
Any chance the fried and his wife are a bit younger?
I've noticed that men and women literally speak different languages. And young women (sorry ladies) are the worst offenders when it comes to perpetuating this problem. Most guys have heard atleast once (usually much more often) "if you don't know why I am mad I am not telling y0u"
For one reason or another that we can only guess at she has lost interest in chesterfield rugby. Now by letting whatever that was go on without clearly letting him know why in a way he will understand, he is likely not being the best partner he is capable of either.

Long and short he needs to sit down with her and explain that his needs are not being met, and that if it continues long-term one of 2 things will happen (divorce or cheating, he can't be cut off anymore when she doesn't know where he is getting it). He should ask her to think about what might help her get in the mood more often aswell.

It'll either turn into a big fight or they'll be closer afterwards. But it needs to be done.
 BeerShark
Joined: 10/5/2006
Msg: 29
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 7:51:20 AM
You make it sound as if the ONLY reason your friend got married is to have sex, and maybe that's a problem for her.
 Eon Blue
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 30
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MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 7:51:39 AM
once again I repeat my philosophy that getting married for the sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts. JUST NOT WORTH IT!
 LoonyTunz
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 31
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MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 7:59:19 AM
No it isn't the ONLY reason. But sex is like air, you don't know how much you'll miss it untill you don't have it.
And face facts sex can be a physical means to cement an emotional bond. So guys stop trying to suck up to the ladies by pretending you would be fine if you went from a passionate to a frigid relationship overnight. You would be just as hurt and confused as this guy is.
That isn't to say cheating is "right", but to be fair this woman needs to know what effect and where her withdrawing physical affection can lead. That way she can make the choice she thinks is right, to stay and work on it or wash her hands of it right away and cut this guy loose so he is free to look for happiness without guilt.
 K-lo
Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 32
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 8:32:57 AM

Sounds like your friend just got married to try & guarantee himself plenty of sex?
Or does it sound like, when he got married, he promised to only have sex with one woman (his wife) for the rest of his life?
Men get married to have sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives.
It's revealing how people interpret that statement.
 positivelycomplete
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 33
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MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 9:13:53 AM
Should be 'men get married despite the fact they must have sex with just one woman for the rest of their lives'. Even if you are getting plenty lovin' from your wife, you are giving up a ton by not being able to sex up any other woman. So a man in a situation like the OP's friend is probably in a world of hurt.

But like others, I bet it's every bit as much as his fault as hers. The man provides time, resources, and romance, and the woman provides the sex. That doesn't stop when marriage starts.

My guess is that the missus is a babe. The more desirable a trait a partner possesses, the more powerful it is when it's used against you.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 34
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 9:19:47 AM
Ok - so men don't get married in order not to get sex. So now what? You both become cheaters? What does that resolve? Release of pent up sexual desires?

Did anyone think about their vows and their marriage?
 shieldvulf
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 35
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MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 9:29:32 AM
Thank you for your instructive story, OPie. (Next time, please feel free to leave out the rather obvious dodge, "a friend of mine.")

Now, can I get three cheers for no-fault divorce? This is one more story among so many of people who should never have married in the first place. I hope they can agree to start the paperwork and otherwise stay out of each other's separate lives. Because that is what they have been throughout - separate, autonomous people.

Wouldn't it be awful if narrow divorce laws kept a couple like this together? Oh, right! That's what people endured until the 1970s! How awful! How stupid!

Cheers!

Vulf
 laughinglibra
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 36
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 9:54:56 AM

With ALL due respect.....hasn't SHE already broken the marriage contract? Why not tell her that she can end the marriage....and THEN refuse to have sex?


I absolutely agree with you GrandmaBooBoo. I was only responding to the question put out by the OP wondering if it was okay for the man to go ahead and cheat.

Sex should not be used as a manipulative tool by anyone in any kind of relationship. If it wasn't a drop in libido due to a medical or psychological reason, then yes, she should walk away from the marriage and quit playing games by withholding sex on purpose.
 fishbill
Joined: 3/19/2005
Msg: 37
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:01:22 AM
"""SHE is as big of a cheat as he is considering becoming. Men don't get married in order to NOT have sex. Men get married to have sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives. """

Well, like I tell the dumb young kids in here "HANG WITH THE WINNERS". Maybe you should tell your friend he needs to be a little more picky when it comes to women, if she is such a cheat. Or perhaps, this is a long shot, he could TAKE THE HIGH ROAD, and try to improve his marriage, ie, figure out what is wrong. Its not gonna be easy, seems like 3/3 people discussed in your OP have a real sorry attitude about love, sex and marriage. Good luck to all 3 of you!
 Bloom10
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 38
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:16:58 AM
If he can't satisfy his own wife, what makes him think he will be able to satisfy any other woman?


I loved this enlightening answer.
 NoMexShrek
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 39
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:33:49 AM
I honestly think the "Marriage Trap" is an applicable title.

When I was dating my ex wife, when we were living in the same city, sex 4-5 times a week. When I moved to another state, I would get a BJ on the way back to whoever's place on the way from the airport. Sex on the beach, sex in the back of the car, sex in the back of a helicopter. I thought I was dating a Nympho. And I liked it.

Yes, the relationship was going well on the non-physical fronts.

Then we got married. I got wild-crazy monkey sex for the honeymoon. And that was it. After that, we had sex less than 25 times in 4 years. We used to do that in a month, easy. She started pulling the "sex is only for babies" BS, and would only have sex when she was ovulating. It got to the point where it would take an expensive gift, along with it being ovulation time to get laid.

And it was like an ON-OFF switch triggered by marriage. I was told shit like "If I had a Mercedes, maybe I would like to have sex more" and "If you got your 6-pack back, maybe I would get horny" (and she had gained over 60 pounds to my 15).

I think some women use good sex in large quantities to attract men, who think it will be similar after marriage. In far too many cases, its not.

Not a scientific study, but the guys in my squadron, about 80% complained of similar less sex than pre-marriage, to varying degrees. In the year leading up to the divorce (which came out of left field) we had sex once. When my divorce was final, I had not been laid in almost 2 years.
 custis
Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 40
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:34:43 AM
The last thing he wants to do is cheat on her, unless of course he wants her to drag him to divorce court and take everything he owns and everything he ever will own. A better idea is to examine himself and see if he is doing something that is turning her off, if his behavior has changed since their wedding in some detrimental way. If this self-examination finds nothing amiss, then it is time to open up a dialogue with her and try to find out what is wrong. If she has decided that now that she has him she no longer has to worry about having sex, then he needs to get out of there as cleanly as possible or spend the rest of his life in hell.
I spent six yrs of my life with a woman who simply closed her legs after we got married. I was lucky if I got sex once in a week or two and then she laid there and urged me to hurry up. If I tried to discuss it, she just got impatient and angry and acted as if my opinions and desires were irrelevant. I will NEVER go there again. I would much rather be single and alone with my hand than have to lay in bed every night staring at the ceiling in torment while a woman snores next to me.
Even if a woman is not particularly sexually inclined, how much does it really take to get her man off? A quick blowjob? Laying on her back for five minutes? It is not like it is some major undertaking. I do not think that cheating is the answer, but a woman who treats her man like that is asking for it.
 custis
Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 41
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:37:45 AM
"Im sure she'll be a lot happier without him"

I bet he will certainly be happier.
 valla maldoran
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 42
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:39:08 AM
Well perhaps your friend should talk to his wife first and see what is the problem that she does not want to have sex. Women just like men get horney and if she wont have sex with him anymore then it's not just about the sex. Something else is going on that needs to be addressed.


Having an affair will not help a marriage it will only kill it. If he truly loves his wife,which i doubt seeing as he is considering an affair, then he will try every everything he can to save his marriage. Try to save it first then if after a great deal of trying and it's not getting better then consider divorce.
 NorseViking869
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 43
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:44:39 AM
He should have signed a prenup. He needs to leave the marriage or communicate to her what his needs are. Sex is very important to me in a relationship of the magnitude of marriage. Stabilty is nice and all but I have needs.
 litefoot77
Joined: 3/14/2008
Msg: 44
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MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:45:11 AM
laughinglibra: Sex should not be used as a manipulative tool by anyone in any kind of relationship.

This is what im screaming... never! ever!

Thanks for saying it libra.... this is called mature thining:)
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 45
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MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:50:49 AM

Then we got married. I got wild-crazy monkey sex for the honeymoon. And that was it.


Amazing! You married my first husband -- how'd you do that?

That said: I think more women than men are offenders here. But certainly there are enough men who are to make a good percentage of women unhappy.

In my experience, working on it doesn't work. These peeps are simply NOT interested in sex. They use it to convince you to marry them, but they're lying. Took me ten years to finally *get* it.

Peace out.
 Cazimi
Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 46
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:57:13 AM
Sounds to me like there's not much love between those two people.
When you love someone you don't want to hurt them,
either by withholding sex or cheating.

The marriage is already in trouble, cheating would just add to the problem.
I have been told by men that sex stops once the ring is on the woman's finger ,
men who felt cheated of love and sex after marriage.
I am sure it goes both ways.
People should communicate with each other to solve whatever the problem ,
not talking to each other is building up of anger , hurt and distance between the two people.
They should work on fixing the problem or get a divorce,then he won't have to cheat.
 litefoot77
Joined: 3/14/2008
Msg: 47
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MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 11:00:32 AM
Is there another piece to this puzzle?
If u r saying that she is cheating him out of something that belongs to him alone, i think u may be on to something.

But it is not that easy, there are times when a women can't give of herself in that way because it would be lying and degrading for her to give sex without love.... if she did this in time it would backfire on him and he would wish he had gone to a sex concelor w/ her...

NO! two wrongs never make it right... only gets more complacatated..

don't go there... counseling is way cheeper then attorneys!!
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 48
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 11:07:32 AM
nycdoctor,

Ok, so your recent friend told you this...wouldn't his wife be the appropiate person to discuss this with? You know, it just kills me how people sit there and complain about how their married life is to others, but most don't take the time to communicate it with their partner. You being a friend should have directed him to his wife, not egg it on and bring it to a forum, when you have not a clue what is REALLY going on in their marriage. There is 3 sides to every story, so you can't take everything he says to truth.
 K-lo
Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 49
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 11:20:40 AM

wouldn't his wife be the appropiate person to discuss this with?
You people slay me. Do you honestly think his wife doesn't already have an inkling as to what he's discussing with his friend? Even if, at this point, he has not yet scheduled a sit-down dinner with her to discuss this issue at length, with notepad and pre-drafted checklist of "ideas to make sex happen again" - do you honestly think the wife doesn't have some idea that her husband hasn't had sex with her in x-number of days/weeks/months? Do you honestly think she hasn't heard him huffing and puffing in bed - tossing and turning because he's so filled-up with sexual frustration that he's about to bust? Do you honestly think she hasn't noticed his morning wood and thought - "Huh. Haven't felt that inside me for some time . . . now why could that be?" And, most of all, do you honestly think that he has not, even one time, asked her, "Hey honey - can we have sex tonight?" And don't you think she probably knows that she rejected him - that night, the time before that, and the time before that?

She's living under the same roof. She's the one doing the rejecting and refusing. I'd bet she has a pretty good idea of what's going on.
 galonthemt
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 50
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX
Posted: 4/24/2008 11:25:55 AM
We know she knows. The point is......If he wants answers thats the place to get them.............She's not putting out......I doubt shes going to come to him and say"Lets have a discussion as to why I'm not giving you sex.".........................but possibly, just possibly if he stops complaining to his friends and asks her, they might just resolve it, even if it comes to a divorce.
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