| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 6:24:22 PM |
I knew he had mental problems from the beginning-clinical depression and anxiety,but his
meds seemed to be working and he seemed emotionally stable.
WHAT HAPPENED????
OP just reverse the order of those two lines and you get a much more logical series of thoughts, yes ?
You have answered you own question. You know it. The rest is just you suffering through
a period of mourning for a Relationship that never was.
I think the whole reason he did this is because he did love me n probably still does n it scares him.Why would he go riding on his motorcycle 110 miles an hour and not care if he crashed if he had no feelings or fears??He probably never experienced real love and maybe that too is why he started drinking again.My dad said he probably was afraid that I'd leave him or cheat on hm like the others did,plus I was the 4th relationship he had in his enire life.HE IS RUNNING SCARED!! But it still hurts so much,it's killing me.I just wish he would atleast talk to me and not treat me like I never exsisted.
It Just Doesn't Matter ! Rationalize all you wish, but all you are doing is performing an "autopsy".
Finding the exact cause of death will not change the basic facts that the "relationship" is dead.
You have two choices:
1) Accept it and move on towards healing.
2) Fret over this for a few weeks, months, years more and THEN move on towards healing.
Both paths will lead you to the same place. It just depends on how long you wish to spend on the process.
Good Luck. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 8:16:25 PM | | Same thing happened to me, now it's going on two months and i made it thru and you will too. Be good to yourself, journal , read, do anything healthy to focus on yourself. Exercise, stay busy. I still have no answers and the reality is I probably never will either. There is a book about, when he is married to his mother, you may want to check it out. Do i still want my guy to come back? Yes, but the trust is gone. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 8:38:13 PM | He has stated he don't read my emails,so I'm not going to waste my time.And we did have a relationship,although it was brief and I fell hard for him,I didn't expect that to happen.What hurts the most is how he ended it and how he acts like I never meant anything to him.He seems to have no remorse for what he has done.So,now I have no choice,but to try and forget him.It will hurt for a long time and I don't know if I can trust another.
Who knows,maybe when he gets his sanity back and realizes the mistake he made,maybe he'll talk to me.I don't know.My son's friend saw him yesterday in a convienience store parking lot walking around like he was in another world.He said it was freaky.I guess his mind is gone and the man I was dating is not in him anymore.
It's sad that he went back to this state of lonliness and despair which he apparently enjoys more than being in a loving relationship.Ths is why he won't and can't talk to me,cause he's not there.I wonder how he functions at work and how he can do anything if he is as messed up as he claims.But whatever.I'm hurting bad,but have to forget him so it don't destroy me too and just go back to where I was before-lonely but sane.And thatis better than going through this pain I'm in. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 12:07:52 AM | | Well it's a very common thing in relationships, especially if someone has been hurt before in a past "failed" relationship. They really do want the relationship. Though they go in half-heartedly trying to keep up their emotional guard believing the new relationship is going to turn out to be just the same as the last one instead of treating it like the NEW relationship it really is. So they go along okay for a while, the feelings/words of "I love you" not having much meaning. Sometimes they will embark on a crusade for you to proove your love to them. Had a woman that did that with me, starting with more and more sexual innuendo, taking her top off after the third date, then she finally got the hint that I wanted more than sex when I turned her down. So she finally got the real proof she was looking for... Then they finally get the hint that the other person really does love them. So it goes along until they find they too really love the other person. And she did find out she really loved me back. Basically she never realized someone could really love her the way I did or she could really love anyone that much due to a past I won't get into at this time, just say it ended in very low self-esteem. So she started letting the fears of loss creep in, making up stuff to save herself hurt and escape. Unaware that I wasn't going anywhere. Then usually the fears of losing the very one they finally found that truly loves them sets in. If they pay attention to those fears, it will end up attracting those very experiences they fear into the relationship. He really loves you alot. I'm in a similar boat. All you really can do is let them know if you are truly there for the long run, that you don't intend on leaving them in the dust... Then hope they will be able to open up enough to trust you, else it may be a while before they can open up to anyone... | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 8:06:36 AM | | I've tried everything!He won't read my emails,so he says! I sent him flowers to his job-no response.It took him over a month to finally send my stuff back I left at his house,along with a bear that says-"! love you" that I gave him.THAT HURT EVEN MORE! Why did he have that in his possesion so long?? And he put a note in the box saying"Here is your stuff,now stop all the emails.I don't read them."I think he won't read them cause he is scared and my love scares him.It hurts that he won't listen to me.It hurts that he won't open up to me like he had in the beginnig.I guess all I can do is let him be and sort his head out and hope he finds his way back to me.But what I can't understand is that if he loves me so much,how he can shut me out like this and forget about me.I'm scared too.Scared of never finding love like this again,scared of being alone,and scared of losing him forever.I found all I needed in him and I need him in my life.I just wish there was another way to get through to him and make him see the light,that he can finally be happy and fulfilled.What else can I do to bring him back to me?? | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 8:59:52 AM | Just a hunch, but based on this whole story......do you happen to be a writer for Days of Our Lives?
Cuz if you are, maybe you can explain that horrible "Marlena is possessed by the devil" storyline back in the 80's | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 9:12:36 AM | Oh, sweetie. I read this thread because something similar happened to me recently. We were getting along great guns then he just went MIA. No reason. No messages. Just disparu. I think he left me because he knew eventually I would end up hurting (he has physical health problems, not mental ones), so I just chalked it up to a really operatic-type romantic move on his part to sacrifice his feelings to save mine. [How incredibly chivalrous, eh?] I am now happy in believing he loved me and that's why he disappeared from my life.
Sweetie, everybody here gave you really, really good advice. I suggest you take it.
I know it hurts like hell, but you just gotta suck it up and move on.
[I got some really nifty poems out of the angst though. ]
Big hugs to you
Luvs | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 10:19:05 AM |
I've tried everything!He won't read my emails,so he says! I sent him flowers to his job-no response.It took him over a month to finally send my stuff back I left at his house,along with a bear that says-"! love you" that I gave him.THAT HURT EVEN MORE! Why did he have that in his possesion so long?? And he put a note in the box saying"Here is your stuff,now stop all the emails.I don't read them."I think he won't read them cause he is scared and my love scares him.It hurts that he won't listen to me.It hurts that he won't open up to me like he had in the beginnig.I guess all I can do is let him be and sort his head out and hope he finds his way back to me.But what I can't understand is that if he loves me so much,how he can shut me out like this and forget about me.I'm scared too.Scared of never finding love like this again,scared of being alone,and scared of losing him forever.I found all I needed in him and I need him in my life.I just wish there was another way to get through to him and make him see the light,that he can finally be happy and fulfilled.What else can I do to bring him back to me??
Well there's the problem right there. You say you want to be with him and yet at the same time being really scared of being alone. And from how many times you stated it, this is a pretty intense emotion. Do you really want to be scared of being alone, because I don't truly believe you or anyone wants to feel that way. So don't give a second feeling/thoughts/any words/ or do anything that is focused on being scared of being alone as the more you focus on something wheather it's "good" or "bad", you bring it that much faster and stronger into your life. Don't take my word for it though, just notice what you are focusing on is ultimately bringing that very experience into your life right now as you explained here. What you resist persists as it is quite apparent. So what do you do? First accept that you are attracting this very experience into your life. You cannot hope to change what you are unwilling to take hold of. It's like trying to throw a rock without ever being willing to hold it in your hand. It's impossible. So after admitting it, you can change it by simply deciding to focus on what you do really desire which from what you said is being with him. So don't waste any more time on anything you don't want in life. Don't even give it a second thought and your life will be crowded with truly joyous experiences... | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 12:49:48 PM | | I'm just too old for this garbage and tired of people coming into my life lying to me,using me and pretending to be something they are not.Before I met him,I had just about givin up.He came to me and I believed every word he said and everything he did.He made me feel something I never thought I could feel again-desired and secure.And he seemed to want the same things.And than suddenly he disappeared.I don't even know why I bother having my profile up here or anywhere because all I seem to attract are the mentally ill,selfish and desperate.I wanted to believe he was real.Usually it takes me a little time to trust someone,but I trusted him IMMEDIATELY. We were put together for a reason and I know he felt it too.But now he's running scared and I'm left here wondering why and if I'll ever be able to trust again.I feel like my life is one big train wreck.One disappointment after another.I haven't had too much peace and happiness in my life.And when it does come along,it gets ripped away from me.I did nothing wrong.All I did was fall in love with someone who doesn't love himself and who is afraid of love.He seemed to want it as bad as I did and now he cut me loose and threw me away like I never exsisted.I still have his promise ring to remind me.I don't wanna keep it.I want to give it back.But how do I do that when he won't talk to me or open my mail??Why doesn't he want it back??He could get his money back for it and he shouldn't have given it to me in the first place.It hurts so much to remember the day we got our rings.He wanted me to believe that our relationship was solid and meant something to him.He wasn't scared than,so what could have possibly scared him so suddenly??Mental Illness or no mental illness,it's just not right to play with someone like that especially when all they did was love you in return.IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!! Hopefully someday,he'll be needing someone again and he'll think of me,but in the meantime all I can do is wait and move on with my life the best way I can. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 3:11:40 PM | | This is tricky to explain.Some guys dont realy know what love is and what to do when they want to be in love.So they go about the actions of what they think they are supose to do to get"in love".This "plan" also includes making the other person fall in love with them.They write poems and bring flowers cause thats what they think they are supose to do to fall in love.They say they love you because they figure thats the next step.I want to be in love so I'll make it happen,so to speak.Then, after they"ve tried everything they can think of to fall in love and it doesnt happen they scrap the whole thing.I think hes trying to find love the best way he knows how and he might want love to feel like he's normal like everyone else in sight of his mental problems.You should ask him if thats what hes doing. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 4:17:51 PM | OMG!!?? - is this for real?
he had mental problems from the beginning-clinical depression and anxiety
or go back to psych ward,which he has already been 4x in the past.
At the very least, this guy is probably somewhat unstable... which might suggest that he's prone to making erractic choices/decisions...
So why the surprise/confusion? I mean... the question here isn't whether or not he's "scared or just can't handle a good thing" it's about whether or not he is mentally fit for a romantic relationship? | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 4:18:36 PM | All I can think is wow...are you obsessed with this man or what?
Maybe he needed some space and you wouldn't give it to him. So you kept nagging at him and bugging him and emailing him and calling him and you overwhelmed him and scared him off. Perhaps he sent that stuff back to you as a way of getting you to understand that he wants to be left alone.
Look inside yourself OP, its not all about you and your feelings. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 4:20:41 PM | | He cut me off totally and won't talk to me or read my emails,so I don't know what else to do.He is a poet and he romanced me.He did want a woman to love him and when I gave him love,he ran.Read my original post and than tell me what you think.I'm the one who should of ran,because he rushed everything and I just believed he was honest and true like he claimed to be in his profile.He really played me a fool,didn't he??If it wasn't me,I'm sure it would have been someone else,but I'm the poor victim of his game. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 4:31:29 PM |
He really played me a fool,didn't he??If it wasn't me,I'm sure it would have been someone else,but I'm the poor victim of his game.
You're obviously hurt and angry... and that would be natural IF he really did "play" you...
But, come on... if this guy really was in a mental hospital a number of times then wouldn't it make more sense to suppose that he didn't do this deliberately... and that it was more likely a case of mental instability? | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 6:08:45 PM | | Yes,you are right.I'm hurt and angry.This didn't have to happen.We were fine and there was no indication of him leaving me.We had plans and he knew that we were going to be able to start seeing more of each other by he end of march.It think his "commitment issue"is that he needs someone that can be with him everyday or close to it.We had crazy work schedules too.But he still could've talked to me about it instead of breaking it off in an email.Yes,I think I maybe pushed him away by emailing him alot,butI just wanted him to understand that we didn't have to break up and he doesn't need to be scared.Why he won't read the emails is beyond me.The stuff he sent back to me was mine,plus he sent back a gift I gave him along with a letter he never opened.What boggles my mind is why he held on to the stuff so long after he dumped me.He could've thrown the letter away or even the I LOVE YOU bear if he really wanted to immediately erase any memories of me.There is a hidden message somewhere.Yes,he wants me to leave him alone now and I am.But this is so hurtful what he is doing not only to me,but himself.He didn't ask for space.He told me he had alot going on with him and couldn't go any further with me.He also stated before the break up that he didn't know where we were heading,because he didn't know where he was heading.I just wish I knew what made him suffer another apparent breakdown of some sort,when he apparently was so in love with me.Everyone close to me is confused about this.He knew he could talk to me about anything.Something set him off,but I just don't know what.Could be his mother,could be me not being available enough to him,could be his sexual problem.Don't know and may never know.All I know is he didn't have to end things in such a hurtful,heartless way!! It feels like a knife in the soul!!! I guess I should also take comfort in knowing that this is not over another woman andhe is not seeking to date anyone.There must be something still there or he's just afraid of women-period!!! | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 7:38:38 PM |
Yes,you are right.I'm hurt and angry.This didn't have to happen.We were fine and there was no indication of him leaving me.We had plans and he knew that we were going to be able to start seeing more of each other by he end of march.It think his "commitment issue"is that he needs someone that can be with him everyday or close to it.We had crazy work schedules too.But he still could've talked to me about it instead of breaking it off in an email.Yes,I think I maybe pushed him away by emailing him alot,butI just wanted him to understand that we didn't have to break up and he doesn't need to be scared.Why he won't read the emails is beyond me.The stuff he sent back to me was mine,plus he sent back a gift I gave him along with a letter he never opened.What boggles my mind is why he held on to the stuff so long after he dumped me.He could've thrown the letter away or even the I LOVE YOU bear if he really wanted to immediately erase any memories of me.There is a hidden message somewhere.Yes,he wants me to leave him alone now and I am.But this is so hurtful what he is doing not only to me,but himself.He didn't ask for space.He told me he had alot going on with him and couldn't go any further with me.He also stated before the break up that he didn't know where we were heading,because he didn't know where he was heading.I just wish I knew what made him suffer another apparent breakdown of some sort,when he apparently was so in love with me.Everyone close to me is confused about this.He knew he could talk to me about anything.Something set him off,but I just don't know what.Could be his mother,could be me not being available enough to him,could be his sexual problem.Don't know and may never know.All I know is he didn't have to end things in such a hurtful,heartless way!! It feels like a knife in the soul!!! I guess I should also take comfort in knowing that this is not over another woman andhe is not seeking to date anyone.There must be something still there or he's just afraid of women-period!!!
Now here's a bit of the hard truth that many say they want to hear yet are truly willing to actually listen to when spoken:
It still seems like you want to put all the blame on him. If you really want this relationship or any relationship hereafter to work you can't continue playing the victim drama the rest of your life. There are always reasons that people do stuff, and there is a very good chance you are a part of it. Yet when he or someone else seems to point out that you may be part, if not the primary problem causing the relationships to "fail" you spend your time looking at those just pointing out what's happening in a negative way. You don't have to outright say anything as much of communication has little to do with words. From what you personally posted, it does sound like you were crowding him and he needed some space. Everyone needs space, and that's a fact. We are freedom at our core of our beings, and when we feel confined we rebel to the extent we feel confined. Now you can either keep ignoring everyone's advice and pretend that those of us who aren't reinforcing the victim drama are "bad" with your negative judgements and continue a lifetime of one "failed" relationship after another or you can admit that maybe you were part of the cause of what he was doing to be a "bad" person and change it. Fore you cannot change what you are not willing to hold in your hand. The choice is ultimately up to you, yet the longer you run from the truth, the harder it will hit later on because the truth always catches up no matter how far or fast you may run... | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 8:36:46 PM | | How can you crowd someone that you didn't see everyday?Only after he dumped me is that comment allowed to be used.I tried to talk to him via email and he just ignored it.I wouldn't be so confused if I only knew what I did to cause him to leave me,be scared and have commitment issues.We were getting along fine and than-WHAM,a kick in the gut!! We didn't see enough of each other for him to get scared.I didn't nag him or crowd him.He just obviously is very insecure and needs a woman around all the time.He said he didn't want to wait or sort it out.So,I'm assuming that he simply couldn't wait for me to be more available to him.Plus he wanted me to move in with him and his mom said no and than she concocked a story that she might have breast cancer,let alone being a drunk.She felt threatened by me and my presence in her son's life.Everytime we were together,we were at his place,not mine.Alot of drama was going on in both our lives,but if you really care about someone or love them,you don't shut them out like he did me.He's using his mental health as an easy way out-I know it! He just couldn't handle dating someone that wasn't available enough to him.That's what his "commitment issue" is.Do I want him back?? Yes,only if he can be more patient and especially talk to me when there is a problem.I love him and even if he says he don't love me now,he will miss having me in his life.I was his best friend/lover.He has no other friends or choices of women.He's a loner and has been most f his life.He will get tired of being alone again and think of me,but in the meantime,I am moving on.I have no choice.Just not sure I want to start anything new. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 8:45:39 PM |
you are nuts
Clipped the relevant part. He probably *is* scared. Hell, I'm scared and all I have to go by is text on a screen. *Both* of you need help. The difference is, he's already getting it. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/25/2008 10:47:57 PM | | I think the whole, hes been to a psyche ward before thing should have said it all for you. He doesn't seem to be the most mentally stable person in the first place, and I firmly believe thats one of the most important things you need when you enter a relationship A STABLE MIND. But, hey thats me I'm not coming down on people who want to date men or women from the psyche ward of their local asylum. Just be realistic about what your getting yourself into. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/26/2008 2:00:44 AM |
He just obviously is very insecure and needs a woman around all the time.
He was needing a woman around all the time, yet he decided to break it off and give everything back? Wouldn't he ask for you to be around more if that were the case instead of doing the opposite... | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/26/2008 4:45:18 AM | | He just gave up! He said he felt like giving up on everything before he ended it.He hasn't even written anything(poetry) since this ended.And that's strange too.He gave all my stuff back a month after breaking it off.And he told a friend of my mine that he rode his motorcycle 110 miles an hour the other day and didn't care if he crashed.I'm sure he is hurting over this too.But all of this could have been avoided If he had just talked to me.Communication is very ipmportant in a relationship.And obviously,he is the type that would rather run instead of talk.And our work schedules and transportation issues played a great role in us not seeing enoguh of each other.My vehicle is fixed now and the weather is nice now so he can ride here.He dumped me 2 weeks before everything was going to get much betterfor us(spending more time together)He just gave up! He did say in the breakup letter,that he didn't want to wait or sort it out.That is the only reason I could think of that would make him say that.He got tired of waiting,plus he got scared!!!! | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/26/2008 6:59:56 AM | Re the Opost:
I am not scientifically qualified to offer a proper opinion but here is my amateur attempt:
:...We were both lonely and needing someone and both been alone for 5 yrs.I wasn't looking when I met him and just about gave up.Than he appeared.My dream come true.He is a poet and really knows how to use the words...:
I think that the keys to this issue lie in and in between the above 5 sentences. Plus the bear.
1) Being "alone" (and I assume also sexless) for 5 years is not a good thing
2) It is better for people to look than wait to be found
3) Dreams do not come true, that is why they are called dreams.
4) Beware of poets! lol
5) Bears and bulls are dangerous, in many ways (as gifts, markets, etc).
The guy seems to have issues and needs to fix them and he is doing that, alone (with his medic's help). Makes sense. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:54:40 AM |
Posted By: rhonnie54 on 4/26/2008 9  52 AM Message: There is an older country song entitled: "Let go of the stone". This is what you need to do..... it's pulling you under the water, and you are going to drown in all of you thoughts and memories....... From what you have said, I dont think you did anything wrong. It was his own inability to cope. It's now time for you to move on, someone is out there for you who will appreciate you kindness and warmth. If he is not responding to you, then this should give you a good clue that he no longer wants any communication with you.... Don't fret over it........ It's like my mother told me as a child "Pick your butt up off the ground, put your feet back in motion, life does go on". I have found this to be very true.
Back in the 70s the saying was:
"If you love it, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours to keep. If it doesn't, it never was."
Like Rhonne54's momma used to say: Pick your butt up ... | |
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