| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:54:40 AM |
Posted By: rhonnie54 on 4/26/2008 9  52 AM Message: There is an older country song entitled: "Let go of the stone". This is what you need to do..... it's pulling you under the water, and you are going to drown in all of you thoughts and memories....... From what you have said, I dont think you did anything wrong. It was his own inability to cope. It's now time for you to move on, someone is out there for you who will appreciate you kindness and warmth. If he is not responding to you, then this should give you a good clue that he no longer wants any communication with you.... Don't fret over it........ It's like my mother told me as a child "Pick your butt up off the ground, put your feet back in motion, life does go on". I have found this to be very true.
Back in the 70s the saying was:
"If you love it, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours to keep. If it doesn't, it never was."
Like Rhonne54's momma used to say: Pick your butt up ... | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:36:05 PM |
He just gave up! He said he felt like giving up on everything before he ended it.He hasn't even written anything(poetry) since this ended.And that's strange too.He gave all my stuff back a month after breaking it off.And he told a friend of my mine that he rode his motorcycle 110 miles an hour the other day and didn't care if he crashed.I'm sure he is hurting over this too.But all of this could have been avoided If he had just talked to me.Communication is very ipmportant in a relationship.And obviously,he is the type that would rather run instead of talk.And our work schedules and transportation issues played a great role in us not seeing enoguh of each other.My vehicle is fixed now and the weather is nice now so he can ride here.He dumped me 2 weeks before everything was going to get much betterfor us(spending more time together)He just gave up! He did say in the breakup letter,that he didn't want to wait or sort it out.That is the only reason I could think of that would make him say that.He got tired of waiting,plus he got scared!!!!
Of coarse he got scared. Can you blame him though... I mean many people these days end up basing their new relationships on the old ones that "failed". And yes it is quite possible for guys to feel emotions just as much as a woman, just like women think about sex just as much as the guys. Yet society has lead many to believe that an emotional man is "weak" or a woman that thinks about sex is "bad". You have your parents, media, and especially religions out to shame people for their own ends. Can't tell you how many times I personally been left in the dust by people like that. Then end up doing the very thing they were doing to save myself before I realized that what I was doing was only making things alot worse. Have a female friend I've been trying to hook up with for at least 8 years now and she is too afraid to commit right now too due to past relationship failures. And despite all the women I've dated in those 8 years, she is the only woman I've ever met that truly makes me happy and same for her. So you can either move on to a new one or wait and hope they eventually "come around"... | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 6/5/2008 5:30:25 PM | WHOA!! Where in the world to begin? Are you looking for a fixerupper or what? Codependancy and denial? He's not the only one who needs some therapy honey. Not trying to be mean here, but every red flag in the book is raised to the top. NO WAY could this ever be a healthy relationship and unless your thing is finding guys to fix and take care of then you really need to look at reality.
Seriously, I met a lady not long ago in pretty much an identical situation - (mmm do I know you? lol) only it was only two weeks. He lived w/mom (supposed same reason), drinking, psyche stuff, crashed a car. What a mess!!!! It only got worse. He's now in jail and she is in therapy.
Oh and he went off the meds for the same reasons supposedly. She is no more stable emotionally then he, that is probably why they were attracted to each other, people are usually attracted to dysfunction when they are dysfunctional themselves. Please don't take this harshly but you really need a little help yourself if you want a good relationship. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 6/5/2008 7:00:13 PM | Jeeze, your story is very similar to my experience. I just think my guy is a player. I think he played me from the very moment he met me. He's still trying. And, ya know what, I still love the person I thought he was. But, I realize I loved the fantasy. He, what he showed me, isn't real. . I was lonely (divorced 10 years) and inside I was dead. He did bring me back to life and tore my heart out but I've healed. I'm better for the experience. Now, my quest is to find a lover that treats me just as good as the player did but only make him prove he is true and just.
You deserve the best. Don't forget that | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 6/28/2008 6:22:16 AM | Hi RockofLove,
I hope you're feeling better by now. I think I can understand very well what you've lived with your BF. You need some soul searching to understand what happened and to come over it. I suggest you the book of Steven Carter and Julia Sokol "Men who can't love". You did nothing wrong, but some of your attitudes weren't what he needed when things got frightening. He was scared and he can't handle a good thing. Both. Go figure why. Find and read the book. Good luck. Acceptance will help you. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:43:18 PM | If you really want advice, here it is:
Stop asking why! Why did he this, why did he that? You'll never, ever know the real reason why someone acted the way they did. You may be the one who got hurt, but try not to take his actions too personally. He's got his "stuff" and you didn't know him long enough, plus you fell in love so fast that you had blinders on. He said things you wanted to hear. It's sad you got into a relationship out of loneliness. You both were looking outside of yourselve for happiness thinking that someone can fulfill you and make you whole. That's a recipe for disaster. The worst part is that you think you can control someone's happiness or that you can fix them. You can't.
It's ok to be disappointed and sad for your loss. Let yourself feel those feelings rather than bury them having to know why or thinking if you talk to him you can change his mind, or get answers you think you need. Just accept it, be grateful you found out early that this really isn't the guy for you. (He's mentally unstable, he lives with his alcoholic mommy) At his age there's no excuse for living with mommy, especially an alcoholic mommy, except that he, too, is sick. Just sit on your hands and let the urges to see or talk to him pass. Cry, yell and scream if you have too. But don't communicate with him. You will get past this and be the better for it.
And lastly, I suggest you see a therapist to work on your own issues to boost your esteem. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:41:51 PM | she's is so right on the money...
he's ill alright but still, he may not treat you that way, but you love him so if he comes around you make him sign a kendra's law agreement with you... I wish you the best...
The success rate of this is like 80%! | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:14:30 PM | | op: he sounds implulsive. he was enamored and went with it, but he was like a child with a new toy - enamored and impulsive but quickly tired of it. please stop torturing yourself. it's over. plain and simple. best wishes. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:35:18 PM | I can't read anymore of this this is a redundant thread as she posts something asking for help and then refuses most the people who voice something to try and help hence I think rockoflove isn't worth giving some advice to, however I wish to state that you said you two went out for three months...THREE MONTHS is hardly nothing and don't start throwing a tantrum saying stuff like "you don't know how it is until you have felt something like this" I have and guess what hun I got over it. Imo just be happy with the memories you had of him and start looking for another man as we all like to say here "there are plenty of fish in the pond."
I wanna say more but I won't i'll end it there heh. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 7/7/2008 3:21:23 PM | | You just can't take the 4 times in the psycho ward and gloss over it as you appear to be doing. That is serious stuff. Recidivism rates for his behavior appear to be dismal. While there may be aspects about him you like and crave ,the bad you have take with the good is so bad that you are blind. Lots of good people "except for" this one little thing or another. 4 times in psych ward/detox is over the top bad. Run | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 7/7/2008 6:45:14 PM | Listen to OPs point of view. Listen to the idyllic tale she's weaving. Does anyone really believe the relationship was that perfect?
I don't. It sounds to me like she's living in a dream world, where they're both amazingly happy, there's no problems with the relationship, and this guy is just prince charming coming in to sweep her off her feet. In such a state, it's only natural that the relationship failed, and it's only natural she's sitting there with her fantasy in ruins around her.
I just finished a relationship like this, where the woman was in fantasy land. It's a beautiful place for a couple months, but without real communication, two way communication about the state of the relationship, the castle in the sky will fall directly back down to earth.
When you can't see problems, there's no solutions. Where there's no solutions, the problems you can't see will grow into monsters. If you can't see the monsters, they'll eat you alive.
In the end, I had to leave my ex in the same sort of way yours left you, because I didn't have a choice. I couldn't let her down easy, because she'd only accept it if I destroyed the fantasy and eradicated the relationship. I tried just breaking up with her, but she wouldn't accept it. I had to break up with her painfully and hard. It wasn't pretty. I don't talk to her anymore.
My advice to you is to respect this guy's wishes. If he wants to be alone, let him be alone. The further you try to push to get him back, the harder he'll push to get distance away from you.
Look, after 5 years, you found somebody to love. It doesn't have to be another 5 years. Take this as a learning experience, and try to find the person who is more perfect for you. Don't get swept up in a fantasy, instead try to find a reality that makes you happy. Imagine it! You found a good guy! It didn't work out, but that's the way of love! There's no reason to be miserable for the rest of your life just because of a breakup.
This is only a tragedy if you let it be. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 7/7/2008 6:54:39 PM | Gwad,
You knew he had mental problems and you say he's a good man? oookey...you're into wack jobs and you ask normal men what his problem is?
He's got MENTAL PROBLEMS....HELLOOOOOOO?
Next time you're lonely, perhaps you'll just hang out at a bar and pick up a drunk. I know...no poetry, but at least he'll be sort of normal when he sobers up. | |
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