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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older      Home login  
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 Selima
Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 76
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get olderPage 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Several comments have been made that lovsing a loved one due to death is easier, then a breakup (your partner cheating for example). I agree. When a mate (married or someone from a long, loving relationship dies) you grieve, get yourself back together in time then move on because the choice has been made for you. You're hopeful you can love/be loved again and it approaches what you've lost.

When you go through a breakup, depending on how long, what you shared, if you were in love but the other person wasn't, how it was done, all these things make it that more difficult.

From my expereince once feelings are invloved, it doesn't get easier.

Plus you've lost time. After 50, most of us in our last quarter of our lives. We don't even know how much of that will be healthy. So finding a special relationship becomes very important.


Of course I only speak for myself, but I strongly disagree with this. When you break up with someone, a relationship is over, one that has most likely been deteriorating for some time, or it may be sudden because of infidelity or one of the people just walking out. It hurts a lot and is extremely difficult, causing pretty much complete upheaval in your life and causing a lot of self doubt, etc. But you pick yourself up and get on with it.

In contrast, when someone dies...it's just so different I don't know if I can even explain, it seems so obvious. You are still in a good relationship, in most cases. You go through loss and grieving in a way you don't when you know your partner is still alive, going on with his/her life. Dying is a case all on it's own. Someone dying and leaving you, it is the most pain there is in life. I've experienced both, and a break up doesn't even come close to death,not even in the same universe, as far as I'm concerned.
 Artz
Joined: 6/1/2007
Msg: 77
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:37:44 AM
Not The pain is just as hard . But now I have better coping skills to handle the pain. Coping skills and case of Valium.
 desert wildflower
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 78
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 6/9/2009 2:46:30 PM
Now as I am older, my head is out of the clouds, no more rose colored glasses, no trust in romance. I think I see things now in a lot clearer light and not in such an emotional
way. If someone is all romantic with me, makes promises, tells me sweet nothings, promises a future, I say to myself ( yeah, we`ll see!) I don`t fall for any BS any more, nor do I believe any outpouring of emotion. I realize that if a man is interested in me, he is interested in what he can get, not that it is all bad mind you. We all want something from a relationship, and those desires aren`t always negative. But I see through motives and cut to the core of a man`s soul a whole lot faster now and really don`t put a whole lot of gravity into romance. I may feel, but I don`t get all engrossed like I did when I was younger. When things fall apart, which they usually do) it is not a big deal to me and Idon`t waste time dwelling on it. I try to get busy writing the next chapter. I think I have grown b@lls with my old age because now I act like a man.

w
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 79
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 6/9/2009 2:58:57 PM
Heartache is as intense at 16 as it is at 56...and I speak from experience. However, without ever being widowed, I suspect that being left for another (cheating) as opposed to losing your loved one to death is much harder. Death is not a rejection.
 wonderwoman131313
Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 80
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:12:15 AM
I find it's easier only in the sense that I know I won't die from the pain and it will eventually stop hurting. The first time I didn't understand how I could live thru such pain and agony. It's also easier when one is the dumper and not the dumpee.
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 81
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:30:23 PM
OP
I think heartbreak at 16 is equally devastating at 56.

Why I think the second relationship hurt more is that the man *rejected* you for another. Extremely hurtful! There was no rejection involved when your husband died. That he left your life was not his personal choice and had no bearing on your value.
 andserendipity
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 82
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:37:53 PM
DW: "I realize that if a man is interested in me, he is interested in what he can get, not that it is all bad mind you."

your post just sounds so sad to me. surely most healthy people want to give, too? i just find it hard to imagine living with the hard edges implied in your post.
 HarrNels
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 83
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:56:08 PM
For me it's the same as when I was younger. I'm a hopeless romantic and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and it hasn't gotten any easier. I'm a sap that way.
 irishlassieangel
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 84
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:37:58 PM
I've read the whole thread and IMHO it is the same as when I was younger. The two ltr (25 yrs and 11 1/2 yrs) that I have been in have each ended differently. 1. I was the dumper ( long history and then other things). 2. I was the dumpee. (hurt just the same).

There were quite a few of the posts that I agreeed with. I have found that I love with as much passion and effort as when I was younger but I have learned how to change course and get over the hurt faster. I have become a very strong woman. I will not harden my self for then I will not know when the man of my lifetime comes knocking. Strong is not hardened. I see things as they are now, clear and bright and have the knowledge that what will be will be and if I have more relationships that end, I will be able to get thru them and move on to whatever and whomever I am meant to be with.

Just my two cents.
cate
 Artemis2009
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 85
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:15:07 AM
Perhaps by the time we reach middle age we're (hopefully) more emotionally mature and able to rationalise it better when things go wrong.

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work our, Rebel...
 Druid59
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 86
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:38:52 AM
Hmm....well
I think actually the older we become, and the more experience we gain, the less emphasis we put on shallow or meaningless things, and the
more value we gain from simpler things, therefore we tend to select our friends, and in particular lovers, with much greater precision
so, for me at least, I would say it becomes harder
I have lost loved ones through cancers, and through fatal road accident
and the difficult thing is to not recover and carry on, but to do so in
such a way as you do not harden your own heart
and the stronger we become, the more fragile we reailse we truly are
life can be taken in a second, in a blink of the eye
so, savour each second every time you can
 Artemis2009
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 87
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:59:30 AM

I think actually the older we become, and the more experience we gain, the less emphasis we put on shallow or meaningless things, and the
more value we gain from simpler things, therefore we tend to select our friends, and in particular lovers, with much greater precision



I agree. I also think that when we've lost people close to us through death, it puts a different perspective on things and we realise that life's too short to spend too much time grieving for relationships that were obviously not meant to be.
 tresor cache
Joined: 5/23/2008
Msg: 88
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:51:54 AM
Good post Druid.

The more women I meet at this age the more I find myself relating to Bon Jovi's Everybody's Broken. ...It's so hard to believe. It's easier to doubt. .....Take a look around
Tell me what you see. Is who you think you are, who you want to be ..........It's ok, to be a little broken. ...Everybody's broken in this life.

I've met some mighty fine ladies that haven't gotten past the last jacka-s they were with. Truly wonderful women that just weren't ready yet. I've often pondered if they may ever be because they just won't put themselves in a position to be hurt again. And if I may generalize, a few innocent widows that had no idea how the dating world has changed since the last time they were out there.

I don't know that heartbreak gets any easier but I find very few woman willing to risk it anymore. Many of them seem to hold back to the point where you just lose interest. And I'm not talking about the sex side of it. I don't date much anymore, primarily because I'm tired of trying to prove I'm genuine and what you see is what you get. Everyone has been burned so many times, they aren't really willing to go all in and risk it again.
 Rob_SA
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 89
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:21:56 AM
Speaking for myself, it was harder to experience heartbreak when my ex decided to leave after almost 10 years together. Like it says in the song "It breaks your heart when someone leaves and you don't know why."

Having attempted to start two or three relationships in the past year and a half I'd say it's easier to experience heartbreak now because we set up protective barriers and our expectations aren't so high... but if the right person came and then went it'd still leave a bruise.
 KoaBassMan
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 90
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/21/2009 7:27:41 AM
I think if you've had your heart broken , especially more than once , it is a challenge to face.

That being said , unless you open your heart to love, you will never experience it again, so it is worth it.
 itechman63
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 91
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/21/2009 10:33:30 AM
The more you do something, the easier it gets.

I mostly wonder if after our last significant heartbreak that maybe for whatever reason we've not been as invested in a relationship since to have truly felt that world shattering kind of heartbreak we've once experienced. That while we think it's easier for us, we have waiting for us out there that next experience that reminds us what a truly broken heart feels like and in fact it's not easier.

People at our age though, we have so much going on in our lives do you have time to feel the pain that comes with a broken heart? The bills have to be paid, the job has to get done, the car needs washed, the kids need new shoes, you haven't vacuumed in over a week, damn look at those cobwebs, the attorney needs an answer on a question, what's for dinner, etc.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 92
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/21/2009 3:16:53 PM
Harder, because the body, mind and spirit don't rebound as quickly as they did in our youth. Hell, I'm still not over my brother dying. It's been two-and-a-half years and I feel a big, black, gnawing hole in my gut. That was the big heartbreak. The ladies, while fun, can come and go as they please. Those little stings of rejection or deception are nothing compared to losing the big one, a friend who I thought was going to be there, through thick and thin, until I myself croaked. I don't love any woman as much as I loved my brother.
 Gribbleman
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 93
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/21/2009 7:08:17 PM
I won't say it broke my heart but the gal I recently (a number of months ago) broke up with really made me wonder about the true nature of my feelings for her.

She was the first one after my divorce that I spent a ton of time with, and we had some really HOT chemistry together. We cooked together, we laughed A LOT together, went out to restaurants for great food, hung out, played games with my kids, and the sex was very, very good... I can't go into details on what happened, but suffice to say she wasn't ready for something more committed and lasting.

Did it hurt? Of course. Was I premature in letting someone get so close that soon? Unknown. In the end it wasn't right for either of us - timing is everything.

I miss her, but you have to be able to let go sometimes in order to save yourself that ultimate heartache.

I put myself into relationships - I am very available in all ways.. I have a HUGE heart.. If you're not emotionally available, how will you know what and who is right??

I think a breakup with a woman that I'm been emotionally involved with will always hurt. But I have to be willing to go through the sad times to get to something REALLY good.
 guitman57
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 94
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/21/2009 7:32:58 PM
I think it gets harder, especially the more times it happens. It's like reopening an already sore wound. At least it gives me a lot of songwriting material, though!
 Doc_Sage
Joined: 2/25/2009
Msg: 95
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 7/21/2009 7:49:18 PM
For I, it is easier. First, I have learn that to dwell on it only lead to more pain and, two, I am not has hard on myself.

First, I get very busy, cleaning my place, my car, doing paperwork, etc...so I do not think of it so much. Last time I got into dancing, took tango lessons and had a great time. I do not look for a "bounce back" fling, it only make me feel bad and it is not fair to the other party, right?

Two, it is very easy to blame ourselves as the cause of the end of a relationship specially when the other involved points the finger at "all your faults". "Your faults" may not be of an issue with the next relationship. Overall, I am a great guy and have much to offer.

Nounour
 In left field
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 96
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 9/9/2009 9:04:54 PM
I so agree, if your not open for love , love will never come, be cautious with your mind and not your heart. I'v ended a 25 year relationship and yes it hurts, but it hurts more so when the other person won't move on. I too fall hard , Love should be shared openly and not gaurded thats why so many of us get hurt after a long relationship, because too many people are unwilling to love and show love. Everyone thinks this is a game and you have to play the game, but love is not a game its a feeling and emotion, one that most people cant control with your heart. I totally agree with you and i too cant understand people who are nonchalant about it either, don't play games people tell it like it is but be nice about it. If you say your interested be interested, if you say your going to call , call. If your not then don't say it. The only real thing we have in life is our word. Is yours something you and anyone else can count on. Amen Sister.
 abby156
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 97
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 9/9/2009 9:12:56 PM
I dont think my heart could break again unless I lost a dearly loved one. Men come and go. If one of them dearly loved me, I think my heart would break. So far, all the guys I have met here are just fishing and not serious at all. They still keep fishing for a better fish.
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 98
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:30:13 AM
if we're talking here about heartbreak from a failed relationship i never put myself in the position of getting my heart broken.

if i have a relationship and it fails....i just move on.
i'm not going to waste my life grieving for something that's completely unattainable.

now heartbeak because of the death of a loved one is a completely different matter.....only time heals a wound such as that.....
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 99
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:44:57 AM
I am also a widow. I found it harder also. The first person I really dated after my Husband died make it very very hard. He wasn't a creep nor did he have a girlfriend. We just weren't right for each other. Maybe it was my lack of maturity in relationships. But now that I look at it I was surprised he could stand me. I had certain behaviors that needed work on. Plus I needed experience at dating since I hadn't had much. I don't blame him at all and realized that I wasn't such a great person to be jumping into a relationship at the time. I needed time to figure out who I was and what I like....fast forward almost a 1 1/2 years later and I am getting closer to being ready. It was hard and I grieved our relationship but it wasn't right and taught me a lot about how to treat people. I have since learned a lot about myself went to counseling to deal with my Husband's death and moved on to a new and better life. The Man in my life was only getting crumbs of me....today I am a whole package.....Great post!!!
 Phoebe48
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 100
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Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 9/10/2009 6:10:23 AM
I am also a widow. It was 5 yrs. after I buried my husband that I decided it was time to begin dating again. Can you imagine? Me, a 57 yr. old something *hand-over-mouth*, doing that high school activity again? And yes, it took me that long......5 yrs........to realize it was time, my time, to move on with the "best" of my life.


And if I may generalize, a few innocent widows that had no idea how the dating world has changed since the last time they were out there.


Perhaps I am not very talented at ~poking people~, even though I have strong inclinations. But, I took that as a "bit of a poke".

What the Hell is an innocent widow? Is that like "fresh meat"? What the Hell has changed? Is it something to do with not being "alley smart"?


I don't know that heartbreak gets any easier but I find very few woman willing to risk it anymore. Many of them seem to hold back to the point where you just lose interest


Well, women might be hesitating to risk "it" because YES........ we have to be careful not to let men exploit us. Not be taken advantage of sexually, emotionally and financially. Men like that are out there........'ya know? Women, especially mature women prefer mature gentlemen, over rogues.
So, is that what's changed in the "dating scene" today? Is this what "innocent widows" are not aware of? That some men nowadays, have become more proficient at pretending to be somebody, they're not? That some people use and discard people at whim? Have women become more proficient at spotting them?
OP:
I don't hesitate to tell a man I'm interested in, that I've "moved on" after the death of my spouse. That yes, I've had my heart broken, but I've healed. And now, I'm willing and open to the possiblity of being emotionally and romantically involved again.......to share my heart and the "best of my life with him".

And, when that man finds me, accepts me for who I am, he won't wonder if my heart is in it, he won't worry about whether his heart will be broken.........'cause he'll know, I'm "ALL IN ".
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