| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 1:00:09 PM |
NO way; IMHO; I don't talk about past relationships to dates; I'm not marrying them; in time we can know a little bit by little but no its not important right off.
This are my feelings exactly. In addition, if you talk too much about previous relationship you run the risk of sounding like you are bragging about something, which begs the question, that obviously that didn't save the relationship. Then if you talk about some of the negatives, again, you come across as you are not OVER, the other person. So the best thing to do is don't talk a lot about it, and as you grow the new relationship, there will be occasions to talk about previous ones. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 1:20:48 PM | I like to go off of feelings. If a guy is condescending, sometimes it makes me feel angry. This is not a good feeling. If a guy says something that is in a "bully tone", or making or poking fun at me, or throwing darts, unexpectedly, this may make me feel embarrassed. This is not a good feeling. If a guy makes a rude judgmental remark. This does not feel good. The course of the conversation should feel good. I have yet to find this. Maybe I am very sensitive. I should probably be with a very sensitive woman. I am probably just too effeminate. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 1:23:58 PM | | I agree with Outmind. I don't talk about past relationships, unless it is absolutely crucial. I would never say anything stupid like, "oh,this song reminds me of my X". Or "oh, this restaurant reminds me of my x husband." Although, I have been with guys that did this continually. This is why I split with them. They were not that INTO ME, if all they talked about was their X. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:32:40 PM | | I think there comes a stage when your past relationships comes up. They're a part of who you are. In the beginning I don't think you have to go into many details but as a realtionship grows stronger it is just natural to want to know all you can about each other | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:46:24 PM | | I just met a person for the first time and they are talking about their past relationships, yeah, I think UGH! If that's so on your mind that it comes up when first meeting someone or starting getting to know someone you find interesting, I'd have to think that it's what you spend a lot of time thinking about. Most things are about degrees, I'd find this sort of thing over the top. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:53:48 PM | Iguess it depends onif you are having a first or casual date and if yu are beginining a meaningful relationship.
My past reationship was fifteen years and the guy I am seeing was ten. That s a decent chunk of your life and is bound to enter into a conversation. We made a pact that it was not taboo to mention our exes and we both gave each other the overview of what where how and why. Does it come up often - no - but occasionally it does. After all you are the sum of your experiences - good, bad and indifferent.
Just my two cents
Zee | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/26/2008 8:11:36 AM | | I agree with ZeeSueZee...I think an "overview" of the past would be something to talk about up front to give you insight into who the person really is. Our past experiences and how we have handled them make us the person we are today. When I first met my ex, I knew he had 2 ex-wives, and later on down the road, after I was already in love, he confessed that he had 5 ex-wives. That's a huge red flag right there! !! I think you should find out up front before you have invested too much time and energy if there is something in their past that's a red flag. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/26/2008 1:04:14 PM |
(Msg 18) My question to you is why are you looking for signs to reveal either?
Whatever conclusions we draw are entirely based on our experiences and the variables ought to dismiss the accuracy of such whenever one attempts to apply it to someone else.
I wasn't referring so much to what happened that caused the relationship to end, although that is important, as much as their feelings about the relationship ending.
For example, a person may say their Ex was a miserable individual. "Miserable" is relative and could mean anything from the individual being absolutely despicable to their having had a melancholy character. In those cases, I agree, it is difficult to determine the validity for ending the relationship. I was referring more to those who remain friends with their Ex or refer to the ending of the relationship in a casual, mattter-of-fact manner.
When in a relationship the decisions I make will be guided by that relationship. For example, if I am thinking about buying a piece of property in the country and my partner has an aversion to mosquitos and black flies, doesn't like outdoor activities, etc. then I probably would not buy such a place. If I was in a relationship with a lady who had two small children I wouldn't consider buying a two seater sport car if I could only afford one car. My decisions would be based on the relationship I was in.
Now, let's say a few years later my partner decides she wants to move on. The country property by the lake is no longer for sale and I'm driving around in a mini-van. 
So, the point I'm getting at is terminating a relationship, in my view, is a serious matter. I can't see remaining friends with someone for whom I had adjusted my life, expecting the arrangement to be permanent, while they view it as simply moving on. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/26/2008 1:17:51 PM | My fellow and I have naturally discussed our previous relationships, their endings, our attitudes to relationship, and endings. It's all apart of life and getting to know someone as far as I'm concerned.
As much as the past is a good predictor of future attitudes... it isn't always.
He said to me once, "knowing how I was in the breakup of my marriage must give you some sense of security" To which I immediately teased "oh no, darlin', you might say this isn't gonna happen to me THIS time around" lol. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/26/2008 1:35:42 PM | ~OT~ I don't want to know the one-sided story of "his" past. I see no need to dwell on moot points. If his ex is in the room and wishes to discuss their break-up, I might indulge an ear for the two of them ~ otherwise, I'm really not hearing the truth, only the truth as it applies to one party. Likewise, I don't answer questions regarding my failed relationships. I'm friendly with every ex bf but one and friendly with my exhusband, if someone wishes to ask them, they are more than free to do so. It's not likely my ex's will be saying much because they value my privacy as much as I do. JMO  | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/27/2008 1:46:04 AM |
isn't knowing about a person's past relationships and how they dealt with the termination of them important? .....Yes it is important to a certain degree.
If a person refuses to take some responsibilty over the breakup with their ex and just rubbishes their ex continuously then I would have to start thinking about who actually had the problem which caused the breakup.
Going over the facts is acceptable however going into great detail about who did what to who and still feeling bitter about the breakup is bad. It tells me that the 'angry' person has not gotten over the breakup.
A mature person would accept defeat and move forward.
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:25:23 AM | I wasn't referring so much to what happened that caused the relationship to end, although that is important, as much as their feelings about the relationship ending.
For example, a person may say their Ex was a miserable individual. "Miserable" is relative and could mean anything from the individual being absolutely despicable to their having had a melancholy character. In those cases, I agree, it is difficult to determine the validity for ending the relationship. I was referring more to those who remain friends with their Ex or refer to the ending of the relationship in a casual, mattter-of-fact manner.
When in a relationship the decisions I make will be guided by that relationship. For example, if I am thinking about buying a piece of property in the country and my partner has an aversion to mosquitos and black flies, doesn't like outdoor activities, etc. then I probably would not buy such a place. If I was in a relationship with a lady who had two small children I wouldn't consider buying a two seater sport car if I could only afford one car. My decisions would be based on the relationship I was in.
Now, let's say a few years later my partner decides she wants to move on. The country property by the lake is no longer for sale and I'm driving around in a mini-van.
So, the point I'm getting at is terminating a relationship, in my view, is a serious matter. I can't see remaining friends with someone for whom I had adjusted my life, expecting the arrangement to be permanent, while they view it as simply moving on.
I know exactly what you meant, and I have to ask again; why is this something you have to see as a flaw or shortcoming on the other person rather than perhaps consider the possibility that your way of handling it or dealing with it may be not so right either?
Your question was meant to get the support of others to validate the way you feel about ending a relationship and I don't understand why do people do that a lot nowadays.
There is really not a right way or wrong way to handle the ending of a relationship; each one of us does it however we can manage to get through it; for some of us may be easier to let it go all completely before we allow ourselves to think of that person, let alone be friends, I guess what I am trying to say that is that her way is the right way to feel about the end of her relationship, as I am sure is yours to the end of yours period...
Furthermore, ending a relationship should be as serious as starting a new one, fully conscious that the things that you lived with your ex, are just that: the things you experienced with your ex and this new relationship ought to be in a different platform, one of which you are completely aware that although there is that chance that may end up the same as the last one, who knows, it could just not end at all…
Give the girl a chance for crying out loud,.. 
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:47:01 AM | | Well, I don't think it's a good idea to talk about past relationship within the first few times hangin out... But, ya after a reasonable time can talk about it. Past relationship will show what they been through, how it ended and how they were able to handle it. It may give a good idea what would happen between the two of you or maybe how they treat you. If he/she just goes from one relationship to another, then ya it shows there not ready for a commitment. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:02:12 AM |
(Msg 38) I know exactly what you meant, and I have to ask again; why is this something you have to see as a flaw or shortcoming on the other person rather than perhaps consider the possibility that your way of handling it or dealing with it may be not so right either?
Making future plans and not being there means the person is untrustworthy. How could one trust them as a friend?
There is really not a right way or wrong way to handle the ending of a relationship; each one of us does it however we can manage to get through it; for some of us may be easier to let it go all completely before we allow ourselves to think of that person, let alone be friends, I guess what I am trying to say that is that her way is the right way to feel about the end of her relationship, as I am sure is yours to the end of yours period...
Then commitments and promises mean nothing and if that's the case then the other party has a right to know. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:52:59 AM | | If the person can go on with their lives without complaining about past relationship then it's a good thing. You will most likely be judged on your own merits. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/8/2008 2:22:19 PM | Everything we do, and everything we go through defines who we are.
Personally, i have been hurt hideously in the past, it has made it hard for me to trust people, hard for me to let anyone in.
That is a part of me until i can find it in myself to let go.
All i can do is be open and honest with people. Some might see it as baggage, some might see it as life experiance but at the end of the day, like i said, it has defined me and made me what i am at this moment in time, good or bad.
I would expect my OH to understand, as i would understand that past relationships always have an impact on current ones.
Because, good or bad, they have had an impact on their lives.
Its human nature, and part of the healing process to talk through your experiences, it does you good on so many levels.
Personally, i dont have a problem with it.
It's good to talk  | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:03:31 PM | It's important for someone to be able to analyze the goods and bads of past relationships, decipher a pattern of needs and wants and reactions.
If you can't talk about it, it's still too painful, or you have no idea what happened, then you may not be in a very good place for dating. If you don't want to hear about anything regarding your date's past relationships, you may not be prepared to fully invest yourself in a relationship with someone else. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:58:04 PM |
For example, let's say a person says, "My last relationship lasted four years. We grew apart and ended it amicably", or " I was in my last relationship for seven years. We both knew the relationship had "dried up" so we split but we still contact each other occasionally. There are no bad feelings."
Would that be considered a sign of maturity or a sign that relationships are not all that important to the person? How would YOU interpret it?
In context as presented, I would say a sign of maturity. As for interpretation? What's to interpret really with only one perspective? Now if a person is fixated on "he/she cheated, he/she did this or that", I would view that as a red flag indicating said person is not accepting his (or her) share of accountability for the failure of the relationship and/or has not healed to the point of readiness for another relationship.
JMHO (did not read all the posts) | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:12:13 PM | There have been a lot of good points made already. The following two are the ones that stuck out the most to me:
I think one of the reasons people talk about past relationships is to explain who they are and why they say and do the things they do.
and
It's important for someone to be able to analyze the goods and bads of past relationships, decipher a pattern of needs and wants and reactions.
Personally, I don't have a problem talking about past relationships. I certainly don't bring them up on a date, but I will answer questions if asked. Heck... if a guy really wanted to know, he'd probably be able to tell from some of my occasionally personal forum posts. I'm more likely to air old stuff like that in a venue such as this. Most of us have been in relationships before, and recognizing what went wrong sometimes helps us to narrow down what we want (or in some cases, what we will not accept) in the future. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/9/2008 12:59:53 AM | It's a sign of two things: maturity and the other person doesn't feel it's appropriate to discuss.
BTW, the people who are uncomfortable with discussions of their date's previous SO's are usually uncomfortable because they're feeling intimidated or insecure. | |
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| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:15:59 AM | I would interpret each statement in the context of the conversation, as well as with my knowledge of the individual saying it.
The statements in and of themselves have little meaning or worth.
What isn't said in the statements is:
How many relationships they've had in the past.
The gender of the person of their last/past relationships.
If four years/seven years is a long duration/short duration for that person.
What they mean by apart, amicably, dried up, contact, or occasionally.
If this is simply their interpretation of events.
Whether they are saying it because it's what they are supposed to say, want to say, should say, or if they really mean it.
The age of anyone in the conversation.
To me the important consideration is attempting to discern how much value the person places on our relationship. I don't do this by considering one sided, aged, and interpreted information regarding past relationships. | |
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