| |
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:46:53 PM | It does not matter to me if you guys are dating, living together or married. Your kids are your kids and her kids are her kids. Your fmaily is not obligated to buy anything for her kids. Her family is not obligated to buy your kids anything. If they do, then they are being nice but it should not be expected. They are not mistreating her kids in anyway but she is acting like it.
I do not see why some make a big deal out of something so small. It is not like you guys have three kids together and your family is favoring one child over another or mistreating the other kids. She is responsible for her kids and you are responsible for your kids.
~Carrie | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:49:52 PM | DANGER DANGER DANGER; Your family did NOT choose this girl; you did; they did NOT choose her kids, you did, and its ridiculous that you even listen to her in regards to her hang up.
Your parents have a responsibility to their grand kids.
NO offense buy why do you keep posting this? I officially take your man card away because on the wimp meter, you are a 9 out of 10. Give me a break.
First of all you sound extremely whiny; you talked to her and she won't understand? This woman is bad news. Why does she need to understand? Your dating her and to be honest I'm not getting why.
If I was in this position I would say, no you are not a part of my extended family yet, we are not married and you are my girlfriend. There is not going to be any discussion, my family has no ties to you other than your my girlfriend. They have a loving, bonding relationship with their grandkids.
DO NOT under any circumstance live with this person which I bet isnt' too far off, and to be honest who cares if she accepts it. If I was your parents I would be so ticked off at you; this is dysfunctional and not for them to have to deal with.
Lay down the law, show support of your parents, and let the high maintenance woman in your life knows thats the way it is, and if she doesnt' like it, you can be friends and move on. Your family will ALWAYS be there; I guarantee you she wont. Get your man card back by stop asking this question on posts and man up and take charge. Good luck. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:54:34 PM | She has all these assumptions and expectations that you hinge on if you were to marry her..yet, your profile says you don't want to get married...Did either of you think of the impact this would have on the kids before going into a full fledged blended family relationship...
Not that it matters, but I think you are using marriage as an excuse not to fully intregrate her into your life....That way you can say, "well, we are not married, and I would only do this and that and this, if we were" therefore taking responsiblity away from yourself to step up and be a MAN. Boy, did I have this one pegged wrong in beginning... | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:54:47 PM |
News flash op - you are a family. Let me ask you this: when she makes dinner, does she only cook for herself and her children? not you and your daughter? It's YOUR responsibility to set your family straight. You now have STEP children. Deal with it.
Excellent point Lady Waresa!
I say.. God help those kids!!! | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:04:31 PM | mthomjmark wrote:
DO NOT under any circumstance live with this person which I bet isnt' too far off, and to be honest who cares if she accepts it. If I was your parents I would be so ticked off at you; this is dysfunctional and not for them to have to deal with.
***************
You missed the fact that they've been together for 6 years, and have been living together for 3 years already.
But I agree they have one unhealthy relationship!!!! | |
|
| |
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:15:23 PM | | If you have been together that long, I would agree with her that you are in fact a blended family. As far as how the rest of the family relates to all of you.. well... if they treat you all as a family and refer to all of you as a family, they had better treat all of you as a family. I don't buy into the "well, they aren't blood" bullsh!t , either you are or you aren't a family. With that said, if other family members would be inclined to do something for one of the 'blood' children, they had better be inclined to do it for my other children as well. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:22:48 PM |
My girlfriend seems to think that since we're dating we're a blended family. I have a daughter and she's got two sons. We've been together 6 years and living together nearly 3.
I think your answer is right there in those sentences. You have been living together for *~3 years*?
Yep, yer pretty farking blended... I didn't even have to read beyond that part for my answer to this point... You might as well be married. It certainly seems that way to your children (who ought to be the MOST important consideration of all).
------------
After reading the rest, all I can say is this:
Get married.
Or don't and get the hel* out of it.
If the fact that y'all *adults* can't commit to doing that is harming the kids, whether yours or hers (or both), that's wrong. Plain WRONG.
The only obligation I see lacking is the obligation to the kids, in that their respective parents won't get their sh*t together and make a commitment.
If that offends, well, I sure hate it for you - but that is how it seems to me.
Best of luck to both of you, and even more to the children. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:27:32 PM | "DO NOT under any circumstance live with this person"
Maybe if you had taken the time to read the Op you would not have written such an utterly silly post.
"You're dating her and to be honest i am not getting why"
What rubbish. How can a man that's been in a 6 year relationship with this woman(living together for 3 of those) be dating?. You and the Op need to come back to planet earth and stop living in the land of make believe.
 | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:32:17 PM | OMG! Get real! If you have been together, and living together that long you should consider yourselves a "real"family! I was with a guy for just as long whose family did not acknowledge my kids as "real" because we lived together but were not married. Long story short - it never ends and we split (read : I finally left after 4+ years) because what it really came down to is that his family was not looking at us as a blended family because HE was projecting us as not a "real" family.
After that length of time, if you are still worried about splitting tomorrow and going your separate ways, be a real man and give the lady and her boys a break. Get out of their lives and let them move on with a man who actually believes in FAMILY!@!
"Your" lady has no control over her ex or his family and if they are involved with her children or if they are cheap **stards. If you really cared about these boys, I would think you would be supporting your woman! She just wants her (your!) boys to feel cared for!!! It's not about money! It's about acceptance and love.
After 6 years, you sound like you have only been dating her a few months...I dont get it! | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 4:23:31 AM | | blended families comes with mature adults who care for their kids and her/his kids and want to make a life together but if you are silly enough to not know the difference between dating and marriage and what lies in between I say you've been testing the waters / sitting on the fence for far too long. At the very least those children deserve a lot better than this! | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 4:31:01 AM | @ Carrie Bradshaw,
Thank you. Many of you have clouded the issue here with the fact that after 6 years we are still "dating". Who said we didn't discuss this before? Who said I ever promised to marry her after a certain amount of time? But I guess that's another thing that I left out of the OP. Every single detail of our past 6 years. People date. People live together. Not every relationship ends in marriage. I've known people to date 10 years and never have a problem but a month after they get married all hell breaks loose. And with the divorce reat as high as it is I'm not jumping into anything until I'm sure. Yes, I do love her and care about her but it's things like this that make me question if I want to make this woman my wife. Me and my sister were talking yesterday and the subject of bi-polar came up. She may have a problem that she doesn't even know about.
But the real question is this. Again, back to the post. "Is my family obligated to do for her kids simply based on the fact that she and I are a couple?" That" the real question. Not one time did I ever say I don't do anything for them. I love her boys to death but again, I can't make my parents, sisters or brothers do anything for them simply because we're together. That's the issue. Not how long we've been dating or even living together. And no, where we live does not recignize commom law marriages. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 4:43:51 AM | @ mthomjmark.
I fully agree with you. But I'm dealing with a woman who would rather put you and your child out on the street because things don't go her way instead of sitting and realizing that her kids are not my parent's or my sister's responsibility. I've dated other people since having my daughter and the last thing I did was expected them to do for her because I'm with the girl. We're both on the lease where we live and maybe it's time I packed my things and left. Opps, but that raises another question. Everything in our house is mine with the exception of what's in her son's room. Years ago she lost her apartment and had to move in with me. Then we moved into a bigger place. Bedroom, living room, kitchen, 90% of what's in here is mine. I think she's trying so hard to hold on to this because she's lost out before. Her first husband took everything and she was determined never to let another guy do that to her. Yeah, she's going about it really well.
Talking to her is ridiculous. It's either her way or no way. She'd rather push, fight and call my family names that to sit down and think rationally about a situation. She'll get up in my face and when I tell hr to back off she'll say, "what you gone do? Hit me, I dare you." Then she'll push me or pur her finger in my face. I'm not scared of her but in our city, she could go downtown and say I hit her and I'd be locked up for 72 hours, mandatory. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 4:52:32 AM | LOL Of all the people posting you agree with someone who didnt even get it that you have been living with this woman for 3 years.
This woman needs to read this thread and dump your sorry butt. It would seem according to your assessment you are just roommates dating. I think you better clue her in your not a couple. And you think SHES not thinking rational. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:02:12 AM | @ galonthemt,
I agree with you 100%.
My girlfriend thinks my selection of friends is not on the up and up. Me and my daughter's mom have a great relationship. And when I say great, I mean great. We discovered years ago that we make better parents than we do boyfriend and girlfriend. She is my friend and because she's my "baby momma" I shouldn't be talking to her at all about my relationship, according to my girl. I don't want her back and she doesn't want me back. But if I can't call her and talk to her when I have a problem then yes, she is trying to dictate who I'm friendly with. My girl thinks me and my daughter's mom are still sleeping together. I don't know where she gets that from. She doesn't have any type of relationship with her son's father and that could be tpart of the problem. Several years ago she told me that she's never dated a guy who got along so well with his child's mother. She's also told me that she's never dated a guy who had full custody of his child either. That could be part of the problem too. I think I'm a descent guy who gets along well with everyone.
I told her this morning that this relationship is not a healthy one and we need to split for a while to sort things out. What did she do? She balls her fist up and hits me in the mouth. Yeah, and this is the person I really want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess in her world, no guy ever breaks up with her. Yeah, this is what I deal with. I'm trying to make it work but she resorts to violence. I told her this morning that because she and I are in a relationship that does not "obligate" my family to do anything for her boys. She's still not listening.
Thanks to all of you who have posted to my forums. No matter how ridiculous you think they are but not every relationship is a rosey one. There are some that are in trouble and some need to be worked on. It takes two adults to do that. Maybe we haven't always acted like adults but when one adult says we need some space that doesn't give the other person the right to hit them.
And for those who may be wondering, no the kids were not here. They've been gone for a few days.
My account will be deleted soon.
Thanks again. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:24:18 AM | In case you haven`t noticed but you are way more involved then only" dating ".
<div class="quote">I didn't think blended came in until you were married because we could break up tomorrow and go our separate ways.
You could break up tomorrow even if married.
As far as presents for her boys,I understand if yourfamily doesn`t give as much as to your daughter.As the mother, she just has to make up for it in other ways to make her boys feel equal.
After 6 years of being together you shouldn`t even ask something so retarted on a dating side.
Am I glad I stuck to my guns and never got invovled or blended while my boys were young.Reading stuff like this just really pisses me off.
Hopefully she doesn`t wash your dirty clothes since you guys are only "dating". | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 7:42:00 AM | Fabulous...Just what we need. More kids with men and women coming in and out of their lives at whim, because of the selfish actions of their parents...That goes for both of you, btw. Not saying I condone her actions, but THIS is why you do not move in with someone with children involved until you have worked out as many kinks in the relationship as you can, and know this person is stable and ready to be a willing and able partner...Not someone you are not sure if you ever want to marry and have serious doubts about their characteristics and personality. This women did not just turn selfish and violent and perhaps "bipolar" over night..You probably knew going into it what type of women she was, yet you choose to involve children in this mess..
I hope all your children get counseling as soon as possible...  | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 7:52:25 AM | Your are right she is wrong.
I only think for this to stop maybe she has to be told by someonelse but you. Take one or two counseling sessions and bring up the subject.
If this lady is stressing you so much way before marriage...maybe she is not Mrs Right.
I wish you luck and dont feels stressed...worse come to worse, tell her to tell yr family about and she if she dares...then its out of yr side of the court.
Its enought the boys a re burden you r willing to take out of yr feeling for her...she cant exepct yr family to take it as well, they r being nice to them within reasonable standards.
Good luck and dont be scared to rethink the whole relationship. | |
|
| Does blended families come with COHABITATION or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 7:55:48 AM | You are not dating. I suspect if people said she had no right to expect her children to be treated the same it was because you failed to note that you have essentially been living as man and wife AND A FULLY BLENDED FAMILY for three years sans the paperwork. Would your family suddenly treat the kids like "real" nephews and grandsons suddenly if you were wed?
People that are dating do not live in the same house and help each other raising their children, and if you are not a father to hers like she is a mother to yours she should leave your sorry ass. When I met my husband and before we were married, my stepson was treated as a grandchild and nephew by my family because I accepted him as my child. Perhaps the problem lies with you and your attitude.
Whether you are married or not, these three children live in your house and her two are your children too. Someone said something very endearing to me a while back, that any man that creates a biological hierarchy in their household is an *sshole. You have created a biological hierarchy and apparently after three years of cohabitation are not fully into the relationship, odd, don't you think?
You are also teaching the children through this that the only people that matter are blood relatives. I know plenty of people, my best friend's husband for example, who did not meet his stepdad until he was 18 but he has been more of a dad than the biological father or the stepfather that he lived with when he was a boy. This man died at 1:30 this morning after a protracted illness. When Mike spent most of the day crying yesterday for his stepfather and his mother, do you think it mattered to him that the man was not biologically related to him?
I have friends that do more for me than my family and my children know that families are not a biology experiment. After six years and three years of cohabitation if they don't treat her kids like your kids there is something wrong with all of you.
For those that don't really read your post and focus on the headline, which should be changed by the way to do blended families come with cohabitation than marriage, that is total horseshit just from the standpoint of common courtesy. I don't know anyone that, except on a birthday, would present one child with a gift and not the other two. Or would constantly do things for the biological child and not the other two. If you were married, I suspect that those incapable of actually reading your OP would have a totally different response.
People always say that marriage is just a piece of paper. Apparently to you marriage is when the relationship starts. If this is your attitude and it won't change, I hope that she finds someone that will really treat her the way she should be treated after living with you and your daughter for three years. | |
|
| Does blended families come with COHABITATION or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:28:09 AM | OP, I needed a break from laundry and folding clothes today, and so I actually took the time to read your ENTIRE posting history. Yes, indeed I did. I can't believe it either....
Packagedeal, black velvet and many others have given you some really sound counsel that I don't feel the need to parrot back to you. You're using the excuse of not being married to keep back a part of yourself in this relationship, perhaps to punish her, to feel more in control of where you'll allow the relationship to go, or for any one or more of a myriad other reasons.
beenfished said it best, and most succinctly: get married, or disentangle your lives (leave the relationship).
After reading all your posts in other threads, as well as this entire thread, I think it's safe to say you guys at the very least have a lot of major issues and trauma to heal in the relationship before you decide if you should go forward. Honestly, I think you're farked, both of you. You've each done things to the other that have caused pain. You're not communicating well, and to make matters worse, you seem to think that living together for 3 years constitutes "dating". In an earlier post you mentioned she hit you in the mouth, but then you stated earlier that in your city/town, just an accusation from her would get you locked up for 72 hours minimum. So why don't you call the police to report the assault? Use that 72 hours of freedom from the "crazy woman" -- who suffers from the misapprehension that you're actually more committed to her than you really are -- to pack your things and leave. You can fight over the stuff all you want, or you can be the bigger man, remember all the laundry and meals she's done for you (and yes all the oil changes and computer repairs you've done for her -- just random examples, I'm sure there are other things you can think of on both accounts), and leave her enough to get by with (you mention all the things in the house are "yours"). If you're man enough, have a conversation with her. And then just move on. SEEK HELP, and hope that she does, too. It's unfortunate that you guys included your kids in this co-habitation joke of a half commitment. When it's just the two of you, you can make your choices and I respect that. But when you bring kids into a cohabitation, you're a family -- no matter whether you're married or not.
Sh1t or get off the pot.
And good luck. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:37:14 AM | Sorry ncsingledad, but if you're living together, your a blended family... And after 3 years in Canada would also be considered common law, which is the same thing as married legally.
However, that doesn't mean your family is obligated to treat her children EVERY time they treat yours. To me it sounds like they already treat the boys like part of the family, and that should be enough. Maybe point that out... Then tell her if she still has a problem to take it up with the family members. After all, they're her family too now! | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:53:22 AM | They are considered common law anywhere in the United States after having cohabitated for six months and/or five minutes if they present themselves as husband and wife. If the girl grows a brain and they split up, she is entitled to half of everything that has been accumulated over the last three years.
Locario's post brought out something that probably bothered me about the OP and I didn't fully get it because I didn't read his other posts. This woman even if she is crazy, by your attitude is made to feel an interloper in YOUR house. Like any parent, when her children are treated the same way, mama bear comes out.
The problem is not your family, it is a symptom of your attitude because if you accepted these children as your own, they would follow suit. This is all on you and the both of you for remaining in a relationship that is obviously more highly dysfunctional than is apparent from this one thread, and yes, I said family. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:54:59 AM | @ Joey
See, many people seem to think that I am not doing for her boys. Not the case. I love her boys to death. And would do anything for them. The problem is that she thinks my family is suppose to also do for them. Based on that assumption I'm suppose to buy my brother's girlfriend's some something when I do something for my nephew. Why? Because they are dating. Not living together but they've been together quite a few years too. I've suggested to her that she talk to my family and she says that that should be something I have to handle, not her. I should always be the go between when it comes to her and my family.
My oldest sister wants to talk to her right now about the situation but my girl feels that she's got nothing to say to my sister. I should handle this problem. They are my family. She wants the benefits of a blended family when it's convenient but when it comes to problem resolution she reverts that to me. I should handle everything.
And to Package,
Not every state in the US recognizes commow law marriages. NC is one that doesn't. Get your facts straight before you post.
I got this off an official government website:
Currently, only 10 states (Alabama, Colorado, Kansas, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Iowa, Montana, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas) and the District of Columbia recognize common-law marriages contracted within their borders. In addition, five states have "grandfathered" common law marriage, allowing those established before a certain date to be recognized. New Hampshire recognizes common law marriage only for purposes of probate, and Utah recognizes common law marriages only if they have been validated by a court or administrative order. | |
|
| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:07:31 AM |
I love her boys to death. And would do anything for them.
Except marry their mother. Buy a ring, or find an apartment for yourself and your daughter. If you guys got married, then at least you wouldn't be saying to yourself "oh, we can't do it that way right NOW, because we're not married. When we're MARRIED, we could do it that way, but we're not."
I don't mean to be harsh, but if you've been with someone 6 years and you don't yet really know if she's the woman for you -- you've got bigger problems than who's buying what for the kids. | |
|
Home
login 
