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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:07:31 AM |
I love her boys to death. And would do anything for them.
Except marry their mother. Buy a ring, or find an apartment for yourself and your daughter. If you guys got married, then at least you wouldn't be saying to yourself "oh, we can't do it that way right NOW, because we're not married. When we're MARRIED, we could do it that way, but we're not."
I don't mean to be harsh, but if you've been with someone 6 years and you don't yet really know if she's the woman for you -- you've got bigger problems than who's buying what for the kids. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:37:11 AM | Interesting OP that your only response to anything I posted was to note that NC is backwards when it comes to recognizing that people should not walk away from cohabitation with their lives in ruin because the couple never made it to the chapel or courthouse.
Whether a couple is cohabitating or married, some people approach it with a me/you attitude while others from the get go know that they are now an "us." After three years cohabitation and three years dating before that you have not progressed to us while she apparently has been in "usland" for quite some time. That little tidbit is the reason for all of your other problems. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:06:21 AM | | Wow! I understand that you're deleting your account and all, but she walloped you?! Goodness dude, the writing's on the wall! I knew that from your first thread, and stated as much--for her sake--but now I'm thinking it's time for you to hit the door right now today! This thing is escalating rapidly...can you handle it getting worse than it is right now? Pretty soon, y'all will be trashing the place, breaking bad in front of the kids, f-ing up the bank accounts, changing locks...isn't it time to call it a day? | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:37:33 PM | You have been together for 6 years, and living together for 3 years. You might not be married but you are doing a lot more than dating. Dating usually means you have separate households and you get together several times a week to see each other.
As to your parents and other relatives, I really don't understand why they wouldn't also buy her son's gifts just like they do your daughter.
When my daughter who has 2 children, moved in with a man who had three kids, I treated his kids just the same as her 2. They lived together for two years before they got married.
Yes, I think you are meant to tell them, if you can buy for the boys, don't buy for my daughter. How would it sound? It would sound like you are a real man that takes up for his family(Yes your family. You might not legally be married, but you have been living together as a family for three years. Yes that woman and her children, along with your own daughter are your family!!!)
Money has nothing to do with it, as I surely do not make a lot of money. I might not be able to spend a lot of money on anyone, but if my children end up with step-kids(married or living together) they will get some sort of gift on their bd and Christmas just like the ones related by blood. It doesn't matter about blood, children are easy to become attached to.
You are not DATING!!! News flash, even if you were married, you could break up tomorrow and go your separate ways.
I really feel sorry for this woman you live with. Seems she just can't get a break when it comes to men.
Also I can't help but notice, but you only respond to posts that agree with you.
I just hope that she can come up with enough self respect and love for her children, to walk away from you. I feel so sorry for her and her boys. She loves you and your child. She feels you are a family. You from what I have read, don't care about her one way or another. You let your relatives treat your family like dirt. You don't deserve a family. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/28/2008 2:47:13 AM | | Your family are the inlaws from hell are they, had some of those, children deserve so much more, how can your family be such ass holes, but then your relted to them arent you....... | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/29/2008 5:19:35 PM | After reading your responses, it now appears your a victim of domestic violence, It jsut gets worse doesnt it........
You changed the topic and presented new issues completley different to the first as some people do on here........
I think its irrelevant who is right or wrong yoru both off tap and this will never work
For the childrens sakes, move out.......... | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/29/2008 5:23:40 PM | DO NOT under any circumstance live with this person which I bet isnt' too far off,
He has lived with her for 3 years
DANGER DANGER DANGER...oh my lord...
*************
Thanks for pointing this out; I just came off a long shift. I think train wreck. Good luck; | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/29/2008 6:08:30 PM | No your family is not obligated to do anything for her kids or even for your kid, no one is but nice people do try to include everybody. Your family is only reacting to YOUR lack of commitment. You really brought this all on yourself. You've chosen to co-habitate with young children yet refuse to commit to their Mom. If you considered this woman your fiance or common law wife chances are your family would probably embrace the boys equally as well.
But your GF obviously considers you a 'family' even if you do not. I am concerned with your lack of feelings towards her and her not caring about the kind of home she brings her own child into. If I was with a man for 6 years, shared a home, moved our children in together, spent holidays, birthdays etc for all that time and he still only considered us 'dating' I'd want to wack him too. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:33:53 PM | OP...if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck....it's probably a duck!
You DATED this woman for three years....have lived with her another three...YOU ARE A BLENDED FAMILY.....have been for three years!!! Your calling it "dating" doesn't make it "dating". I don't give a rat's pootie what NC laws say in terms of common law marriage ....where are YOUR morals, YOUR ethics? Do you ONLY do things dictated by state law? I doubt that. In my "mad as hell opinion" you ethically and morally became a blended family once you, your g/f and your respective children moved under one roof.
If this woman is as "crazy" and that ever-popular word "bi-polar" as you make her out to be, are you so dense you couldn't figure that out in three years of TRUE DATING??? Geez!!!!
Instead now you've thrown innocent children into the mix! Your crap about "loving her boys to death" is just that! Crap! If you did truly love them, you would talk to your family about the importance of treating the children similarly. These kids are within close range....11-12-13, if I recall correctly without going back at this point to verify. Hell man!!! If you can't figure it out, how in the world do you think these pre-teen kids (particularly her boys who have not had a decent father figure in their life!) can make sense of it?
You mention that your family brings YOUR daughter gifts and will at times bring the boys something "if only" (fill in the blank). You sound as though these "if onlys" are some sort of tokens. If I was the only father figure these boys had and had lived in the same home with them and their mother for three years, I would speak to my family and request that gifts only be given on birthdays, etc. unless all the children are treated equally. You're talking about children's spirits here!!!! Have they no value? Don't worry about "loving them to death"....love them like a father or good stepfather instead of jumping at every opportunity to point out they aren't yours!
People like you with your lines in the sand and semantics that (in your own little twilight zone) "legally" absolve you from responsibility sicken me. No, you AREN'T legally married. Most human beings in a relationship where two parties with children move in together into one home would ETHICALLY consider that a blended family.
You scroll through these threads pulling things out of context to validate that YOU are right. If this gal WASN'T crazy when she entered this relationship with you, I'm certain she is now. So use her "craziness" to get the hell out! Do those boys that you "love to death" a favor and don't expose them to any more of this craziness.
Excuse me....I need to go throw up! (Why doesn't someone come up with a puking icon? I could sure use it here!)
Rose Mary | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 5/12/2008 7:48:59 PM | Ive read a couple of your posts today and to be honest i cant see what anyone could see in you!! I was going out with a guy with a daughter before, i dont have children of my own but my siblings do and because i had respect for him and his child ~ who i absolutely adored, when my family visited our home or we visted them i would not have settled for anything less than his little girl being treated the same as my siblings kids. I chose to be with him and with him came a little girl who had never done anything to anyone and my instincts (as the adult) were to protect and look after her.
I didn't think about the situation in the sense of what i and my family were obligated to do, i acted on how i felt in my heart and that was that if a child of 4 (at the time we got together) was dealing not only with her parents not being together, but with being introduced to new spouses and families on both sides, then the adults in the situation (me and my family) could deal with it too. In fact it wasn't a chore, she is a simply awesome kid and although me and her father split up after 6 years together she still comes to visit me and my family and she is adored by all of us and seen as part of the family, and she always will. I'd also like to mention i was 16 when i started going out with this guy and i was able to cope with him having a child so maybe you'd like to go grow up (or maybe you should have done that before having ids or getting involved with them).
I feel sorry for your 'girlfriend' and her 2 children, you are a family despite what your state says. Marriage isn't the be all and end all. IMO your family are as immature as you are. Its not a question of who's right or wrong in your relationship with your girlfriend it should be about what's best for the kids.
Maybe i'm just a soft touch but as an adult i dont like to see any child left out or made to feel different even in the park or at school, even in the street playing let alone in their own home. Bless them little boys how hurt they must be...... | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 5/13/2008 6:36:13 AM | I would say the manner in which you treat the children before marriage is an indication of your commitment towards their mother and a clear indication of your desire (or lack of it) to be together and build a life together, involving all parties. You don't get to test the waters for 6 years to decide if you will behave better because of a piece of paper. Imho, you are reaping what you are sowing. Not giving what a partner needs and deserves because of your immaturity. If there is no commitment you have no business shacking up or involving the kids.
Dating is what you do before you lived together. You are now a couple, like it or not. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:08:07 AM | Has anyone looked at this guy's other forum posts? Out of curiosity I just did and there is quite a theme going on. Looks like he's using POF for free therapy...
NC - the answers you are looking for are already within yourself. Nothing anyone here says is going to sway what you already know. The only person you are arguing with is yourself really, trying to justify your position to everyone else. Best of luck to you. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:39:06 AM | I see that this OP no longer has a profile on POF. Maybe people were able to convince him that if he's been living with a woman for 3 years, he's more than just dating her and he shouldn't have been still looking. See what great therapists we are...and it's all free too. Hopefully, his profile said "Not single/not looking" but I see that an earlier poster challenged him re: his profile and called him a "dickhead" so it makes me wonder. Wouldn't you love to be able to get inside people's heads sometimes and see where they are coming from?
I don't think that people should make a fuss over the relatives buying things for one child in the family and not others. An important lesson in life that kids need to learn is that life does not always treat everyone the same. I think it's a mistake to try to even things out because by doing that, it teaches the kids that they should expect to be treated the same all the time and that when they are not, someone is obligated to fix it for them. Doesn't this set them up for a lot of disappointment later in life when they expect other people to fix things rather than just accepting that this is the way things are? The parents (and step-parents in this case) need to make sure that each child knows that they are important and special in their own way. They can do this be making sure that each child gets to spend some time in the spotlight...being the special one at that moment. Children that do experience this learn to show empathy for other people and grow up to be adults who are emotionally healthier than those who forever carry a chip on their shoulder because they believe that they got a bum rap because their step Grandma didn't get them something too. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:49:50 AM | | You've been together 6 years and have lived together for 3? It's a little more than dating isnt it? And you are quite obviously living as a family and all the children should be treated equally. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:05:35 AM | Was I wrong for not telling her first? (Page: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ) ncsingledad
Does blended families come with dating or marriage? (Page: 1, 2, 3 ) ncsingledad
Dinner With An Old (Female) Friend (Page: 1, 2, 3, 4 ) ncsingledad
Insurance Beneficiary (Page: 1, 2, 3, 4 ) ncsingledad
Sex Triangle, Or Is It?
These are ncsingledad posts.   OMG!
This lady he is "dating" is in serious trouble.
I can't even find the words to describe him......anyone? | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:30:25 AM | small correction, celticlass2 -- OP still has a profile, but has made some changes to it since he first posted about his relationship. (And, if I remember correctly, he used to have a picture up, but don't quote me on that. lol)
OP, I've participated in another of your threads -- after all, I did read your entire posting history the other day, and it sort of stuck with me. I guess it's that same instinct that makes people slow down when they pass a wreck on the highway -- sometimes amazement, sometimes sympathy for the participants, sometimes gratitude (that they are not the ones in hospital or injured), and sometimes humility ('there but for the grace of god, go i').
I think you're getting knocked around a lot in these threads, and I've stopped to think about that today. You come off a certain way, and I have to tell you (if you hadn't already guessed), it's NOT in a positive light. But I want to respond to you from a different place today, and answer your OP question here very simply.
Blended family comes when two people decide mutually to conjoin their lives and begin building one life together. Now, for some people that will mean that they start blending when they are seriously dating. Others will mutually decide that they want to co-habit, but view themselves in a committed relationship, and they'll be blending their families while they cohabit. Still others, such as myself, would not blend totally until marriage, whatever the "pre-marriage" situation shakes out to be. But, what seems clear to most of us that have posted here is that you don't (seem to) want to blend your family with your S.O.s. Blending, to me, does not mean simply that you help each other pay the bills, take out the trash, chauffer the kids, etc. Blending means that you start interacting AS IF you were a family, and as if you want to grow the love and intimacy that you already share.
To be fair, the best thing for you may be to follow your instincts and NOT blend, NOT get married, NOT deepen your intimacy and commitment with/to your S.O. But if that's your position, you actually need to communicate that to you S.O.
You've been pilloried, likely, because most people (the fabled "reasonable man" of the law) recognize the absurdity of pretending/believing that you're only dating, when in reality you have been in relationship for 6 years, co-habiting for 3 of those. You're together, and defacto blended now. It seems absurd, JMHO, to draw the distinctions that you seem to draw in your relationship. Frankly, it seems to me the kind of defense mechanism someone uses when they simply don't want to or can't handle becoming really really bonded with someone. I hope that's not the case for you.
Truly, I wish you luck, wisdom, insight, in dealing with your on-going situation. | |
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