| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 4/28/2008 4:52:07 PM | Yeah... It's off-topic, but I just want to chime in that I agree with everybody who said someone with a 3-month old baby shouldn't be dating. I mean, really. It's one thing to date with children, even young ones--I don't think anybody reasonable would say you shouldn't do that. But dating with an infant? Come on now. Can't you wait a few months until the kid's walking at least?
Flame me for it. I don't care. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:12:29 PM | I am glad to hear you are thinking of your child, when considering a new relationship.
I do not think it is a good idea to bring a child no matter the age into a new relationship, I am not saying to not tell them about the child. Children quickly grow attached to people and seeing a man walk in and out of their lives is not at all good for the emotional growth of any child no matter what age they are. I am a single mother myself of 3 daughters and honestly if a man told me he did not want to be with me due to my children, then fine hit the road. Though I have not gone fully into the dating scene as of yet (I wanted to give it a year from the breakup to allow healing and my own emotional progress). I have met guys who have no interest in my children what so ever, TOUGH their loss No BIG DEAL. I have also met several who love children and do not mind that I am a package deal.
I can say there are plenty of guys out there who will adore you and your son, just do not bring them in and out to test the waters as to who will and will not come around to your son.
The Point is to be honest and to allow the relationship to grow before bringing any man around your son, now if he wants to meet your son, still give it some time. And if he really is that into you he will understand.
Good Luck! | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:49:45 PM |
So the truth does in fact come out finally. I am sure the OP would be happy to hear that you are taking your own advice and not dating. After all, that is what you are suggesting for all the single moms on here. Don't date, stay home and take care of your kids.
Don't be a moron, read before you post. I said hold off for a bit whilst having a very, very young baby, not whilst having children. My children are 12 by the way, big difference between that age and 7 months.
I am so very sorry that you didn't read what I wrote. I am sure you are still bitter for my reply to you, and you figured you had another poster that was more then willing to have a pissing match with me, and you would jump on the band wagon,, strength in numbers type thing, but you should really know what you are actually arguing about. Your partner actually can hold and intelligent conversation, you are the weak link I'm afraid.
After all, like you said, having a mother and a father in the home is the most important fact of all.
Are you mental or something? Is it your weak argument to say that it is not important for a mother and ideally a father to be in the lives of a 7 month baby? That is what I said, if you go back and take a look genius you will see that. I could do it, but I neither have the time nor the inclination to rewrite something for you to understand.
Apology for suggesting you take care of your newborn before dating? No thanks I will stick by it. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:37:45 PM | I haven't read the previous posters so I apologize if this has already been said.
I don't think casual dating and meeting the kids mix at all. Kids grow attached way to easily and quickly. I won't meet a woman's children at all unless they are old enough to understand completely that this is mom's date and nothing more.
Babies are even more dangerous in that they can bring out the paternal instinct. You may be attracted to that and it could blind you to a potentially problematic relationship.
It's too easy to get comfortable with someone simply because your child and them get along real well. Many couplings have started on that note just to crash when you realize they are good for your kid but not for you.
You have to treat dating like you did before you had your son. The guy needs to care for you as a person first and a mom later. However, you NEVER hide the fact you have a child. It's a perfectly fine topic of conversation. You just don't introduce them to your boy.
Meeting the son is best left for after having established a long term relationship.
PEACE  | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 4/29/2008 9:49:03 AM |
Don't be a moron, read before you post. I said hold off for a bit whilst having a very, very young baby, not whilst having children. My children are 12 by the way, big difference between that age and 7 months.
Now we are reducing to the level of name calling.
Okay, let's break this down: Until this post you did not mention the age of your children, and the age really is not the issue. But, since you choose to make it an issue, then let's go there.
1. a 12 year old is more likely to become attached to an individual than an infant is. Why? Because 12 year olds are more aware of their surroundings and more subject to emotional attachment than infants. At this moment a 7 month old is concerned with eating, sleeping and cuddling with a little bit of play involved. A 12 year old is concerned with all of those plus is going through huge changes in their lives, is beginning to fully understand emotional/physical attraction and has far more wants and needs than an infant.
2. The OP is not stating she wants to run a gammet of partners through her life, rather she is stating she wants to be able to go out and meet someone.
3. Sometimes it is best for the natural parents to not be together. You are divorced, if your argument concerning both parents in the same house is so valid, why did you get a divorce? After all, your stating here that is the idea situation. Or is it the idea situation as long as it's not applied to you?
Your partner actually can hold and intelligent conversation, you are the weak link I'm afraid.
BTW: It should read: Your partner can actually hold an intelligent conversation, you are the weak link, I'm afraid.
Please, don't throw stones at individuals if you live in a glass house. It's not always the smartest thing to do. Don't you agree. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 4/29/2008 10:44:38 AM |
Now we are reducing to the level of name calling.
No. I said, "don't be a moron", I didn't say you were, a moron. If I had been reduced to name calling the statement would have read something like this,, "You are a moron, for saying this or that."
1. a 12 year old is more likely to become attached to an individual than an infant is.
Obviously this is your opinion and not fact. If you feel this is fact, please give the source from which you get your information from. Here is the growth chart for an infant, up to adolescence, it lists the infant's needs and developments. http://www.headroom.net.au/family/framejamming_emot.html?stages_emot.html~emot_family I call your attention to the 6-8 month range of the child. Quite the opposite of a baby you describe
At this moment a 7 month old is concerned with eating, sleeping and cuddling with a little bit of play involved.
I would thank you to take a step back and reread what I wrote. You have misquoted me on many occasions, and have stated things here in a factual manner when it is clearly not. The bottom line is I offered my opinion to the op, not to you. If you want to continue this, please quote things I have said, keeping them in the proper context, and not just randomly saying something that you think sounds close enough.
Please, don't throw stones at individuals if you live in a glass house. It's not always the smartest thing to do. Don't you agree.
Is this like saying the pot calling the kettle black or clean up your own back yard before ****ing about your neighbors? If so again,, my children are 12, years old, not 7months old. You are trying so desperately to slot me and the op in the same boat, but as I have stated over and over to you, 7months and 12 years is a big difference. READ THE CHART!!!!!! Even if I were to be dating again, your argument wouldn't apply.
I appreciate your wanting to defend the OP, I just don't see why you feel you need to. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 4/30/2008 10:12:59 PM | Inadvance you are still not getting it. You think this is about defending Sh0rty... This is about all single parents....
We take care of our kids, we deal with the day in and day out issues of their lives, working hard 24/7....
You have your kids on weekends... Why shouldn't single parents be allowed to date...
Married couples with infants go out. Why can't singles with infants go out? | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:07:59 PM | I would imagine that married couples go out less often than a single parent who's dating. A lot less. And in fact, every married couple I've known with an infant almost never went out. Certainly not as much as a single parent looking for a new boyfriend or girlfriend would.
I don't think there's anything unreasonable about saying a single parent with an infant should wait until the kid's a little older to start dating. There's no time in that child's life when they will need their parent more. Their mom or dad needs to be focused on them--not finding a new love.
And it's basically one year, less than that if your kid is an early bloomer. Is putting your your kid's needs above your own for that long REALLY so much to ask of parents?
I mean, I really don't care if I get flamed for what I'm about to say, because I know I'm right...
But someone with an infant who's concerned with dating would strike me as someone who's not putting their kid first and who has their priorities SERIOUSLY out of whack. And I would never in a million years consider dating someone like that. And this is coming from someone who actually prefers single mothers (I think having children makes women better people).
It's one year, people. 8 or 9 months if you're lucky. Suck. It. Up. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:56:03 PM | TDZ I agree with you.
If I was a single parent when my kids were infants, I would still need my breaks. Hell come to think of it, I went out quite a bit when my kids were infants (whether it be with my ex or by myself)...and there is nothing wrong with it. I still paid attention to them, it's not like I was gone allll the time (actually the first time I was away/didn't see or talk to my kids for over 20 hrs was Jan 2007 (kids were 3 and 2). But between working, and coming home and spending time with them plus being with them all weekend morning till nite, and having to deal with it when they are sick/teething/other reasons for general grouchyness, a person needs to get out and socialize. Whether it be dating or just hanging with friends.
And face it, despite the fact that a lot of us (well at least some of us) can be/ are happy being single...it doesn't mean that deep down we don't want a real relationship if the opportunity arose. Sitting at home every nite while a child is sleeping, is not exactly the easiest way to make that opportunity happen...not to mention, it can get very boring if you have no outlet into a fun world of escape every now and then.
Personally, I try to go out once a week without the kids. Sometimes I can't due to extenuating circumstances (such as lack of cash flow, or bbsitter), but I still make an effort. It's good for my sanity level. Now I don't condone going out every weekend and getting completely ham'd or all drugged up where it'd make it impossible to take care of the child the next day, but I see nothing wrong with dating...for anyone with kids of any age. If they don't have their shit together and aren't really ready for dating, people can pick up on that in person (been there, done that - once I got my shit together, meeting people with a positive return was much easier)
but since this is just going to become a p!ssing match of back and forth bickering about who's really right...I digress...opinions are like a$$holes, everyone has one. I've heard your's, you've heard mine, and we've heard others from other people. Now it's up to the OP to decide on the information given the path she wants to take...which considering this is completely off her original topic, she may not even care what we think of her dating or not.
I stick by my original response to the original post (not that I really remember what I said, but I wouldn't lie about my opinion) | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/1/2008 9:36:38 PM | Okay, so bascially it comes down to this. I have to sit at home with my child 24/7 and not go out occassionally, otherwise my priorties are "out of whack" and i'm not putting my child first? How does this have anything to do with my original post? I didn't ask what people thought of my dating... Guess i'm dealing with a bunch of idiot's on here.  | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/1/2008 9:48:19 PM |
Guess i'm dealing with a bunch of idiot's on here.
Spoken like a true teenager!
Take the advice that people gave you about when to introduce your child, and let the rest go...because, when it comes down to it, you are going to do whatever you darn well want to do anyway... | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/1/2008 9:50:48 PM | OP he is looking at your picture, thinking of a story that he thinks will make him sound all concerned and level headed and then throwing it out as a pick-up line to you... Nothing more and nothing less...
I missed this post earlier, haha, that's hilarious, because as a settled father of 2 living in mid-western Ontario, Canada, it would make total sense to try and pick up a single mother from Georgia. :rolleyes:
Other than this, I'm with you on the remainder of that post along with your other posts TDZ. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:05:42 AM | | you should wait to your really interested.lets face it there is alot of molesters out there and most people think molesters are ugly.there not there compliant caring and will seem as nice as hell basically grooming you to trust them then you have them watch your kid why yo go to the store or something then it happens.your in a differant situation because you need to have your kids come first.as a parent thats what your suppose to do sacrifise good luck tread slowly. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:01:23 PM | | i myself am also a single mom. i have a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 month old. and yes i am only 19. i dont understand how people can critisize someone when they havent been in the situation. its always good for a baby to have a positive influece from both a man and a woman. no matter how old they may be. some people may see dating before the child is a year is not knowing what your priorities are. but in my eyes i see it as trying to give not only the child a better life but yet yourself. so to all those that think she is in the wrong for dating. if you havent been in the situation then you dont know how the child feels. a person shouldnt stop living just because they have a kid. that should give them the incentive to go out and try their hardest to find someone that they can be with the rest of their life for the sake of the baby. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:02:42 PM | | Yes, spare your love interest the anguish of the hipocrisy of lying to you about how much he loves kids, even if they're not his'ns. Keep the child out of it...but don't forget to tell him you've GOT one. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:04:31 PM |
that should give them the incentive to go out and try their hardest to find someone that they can be with the rest of their life for the sake of the baby
No, that situation actually should give the PARENT the incentive to go out and get an education, etc. so they are able to support their children on their own, regardless of who comes into their life. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:12:58 PM | its always good for a baby to have a positive influece from both a man and a woman.
Yes. Positive is the operative word.
Bringing new boyfriends, who you've only known weeks or months, are your children is NOT a positive influence--no matter how well-intentioned you are. It's a chaotic, destructive influence that will lead to problems later on.
so to all those that think she is in the wrong for dating. if you havent been in the situation then you dont know how the child feels
I have been in the situation. I got to experience an endless parade of my parents' new boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses when I was a kid. It was an uncomfortable nightmare that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
You should be EXTREMELY hesitant to bring people you're dating around your kids.
But having an infant, a 4-month old? Screw it. I'm just going to say it, because you need to hear it, but you shouldn't be dating right now at all. Go out, have fun, blow off steam when you need to. Everybody needs that. Babies are a lot of work, after all.
But dating? Nope. You need to let your baby get a little older and think about that first. That needs to be your focus. Dating someone right now, much less bringing them around your baby, is NOT healthy. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:30:35 PM | | wow nothing like putting your two cents in. just for the record. you are not me and you do not know what a single mother has to go through. one my age. college and kids. its nice to be able to get out and blow off some steam with a special someone. not a group of friends where 3/4 of the guys there dont want anything more than to just getin a girls pants. thats real mature. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:41:58 PM | Disclosure is key here.
Before you even meet a guy for a date, he should be well aware of the fact that you have a child. I'm not saying your son needs to be part of the equation ...in physical presence immediately ...but, it's naturally expected to disclose this info.
If and when you find someone that's worthwhile ...several dates (and maybe even months) down the road, then slowly ease your son into the picture.
The last thing you want is for your child to develop a confusion toward a man's role in his own life by prematurely introducing your boyfriends to him. | |
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| Bringing a baby into a new relationship??
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:44:51 PM |
Shut the hell up already. NOBODY asked what you thought about single mothers dating.
You started this thread, asking about bringing a baby into a new relationship. Myself, and others, responded by telling you that you probably shouldn't even be dating at the moment with a child that young, much less bringing the kid around anybody.
I'm sorry that this hits such a nerve with you, but you DID ask. If you're not mature enough to handle the honest answer, then you shouldn't have posted it. Because I'm not about to sugarcoat the answer when your child is the one who stands to lose if you make the wrong decision (which looks pretty likely from your attitude). | |
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