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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/11/2008 12:45:41 PM | llynass...
I put my faith into this person so many times like putting up bail money...
...now put your faith in you and even better, whatever your faith is - into the higher power who created the wonderful person you are.
You have everything you need.
You have always had everything you needed to be whole.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:05:27 PM | | message for KarenQJ...J ust to let you know that I have attended my first coda class and it went very well and of course there were stories to share which always strengthens one spirit. Thankyou. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/15/2008 12:49:36 PM | This is the saddest thread I have read in the Forums.
Although you cannot change your past, with professional help you can heal through the knowledge and understanding of why and how you fell into the hands of vile criminals. Until then you are vulnerable and at a high risk of becoming a repeat victim.
Get the help you need so you can develop a sense of worth/value and not be afraid to be in control of your life. This will be the beginning of the true happiness you deserve. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/15/2008 2:34:15 PM | | Lily_13 - the whole experience of domestic violence is sad. However, part of the process of healing includes the sadness element. Help comes in many ways - not all aspects of help can be book-learned. "Professional help" has it's rightful place - yet so does the support and encourage of those who have already been there, the latter of which comes from the University of Life - unfortunately, no degrees are given for that aspect of education except in the form of scars as reminders of wounds once inflicted. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/16/2008 6:49:55 PM | I would like to pass along some tips for anyone considering marriage , and share some of the Bright Red Flags that I encountered !
1- If your parents or siblings have doubts about him , pay attention . Listen and check it out .
2-If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware . This is a patteren . Divorce is rarely only one person's fault.
3-If his children have nothing to do with him , do not believe him if he says his ex has brainwashed them against him.They may have good reason for feeling the way they do.
4- Look closely at his credit and job history . They are predictors of what your life will be like .
5- If he is over 30 and has no money , do not let him move in with you, and don't marry him until he's financially solvent . If he has any respect for you ( and himself) , he'll insist on it.
6- Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS . You cannot change another person.
7-This is a biggie : Beware if he has no friends . It is not true that they all chose to side with his ex.
8- If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.
9- If he has more than one DUI and still drinks , RUN !
10- If he is one personality at work or with others , and another person alone with you , RUN !
11- If he has nothing to do with his parents , investigate why . Don't take his word for it.
12-If he is an expert at everything and brags a lot , understand that he will turn off a lot of people , eventually maybe even you.
13 - If he has sexual problems , go with him to a doctor before you marry him. Belive me , his problem will become your problem.
14- If he is emotionally or verbally abusive , it will only get worse . Yelling , name -calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.
15- If he is never wrong and never apologizes , everything will be " your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it , you may even start to accept the blame.
16- If he does something wrong and says , " That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ( ) , " that is another sign of an abuser.
17 -And if he's mean to children , pets or animals , recognize that he's pathological and the next victim could be you.
I write this because I was taken in by someone who came to regard me as a disposable item. I only hope my small imput in this forum will save someone else from the experience that I had..
For the men out there , this could go for women also. Please be aware . | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:46:13 PM | Good RED FLAGS, CoolBrownEyes. There is no such thing as small input on this topic. Every input is valuable in that it might just be the one thing someone needs to hear.
Here's a red flag I like: "If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably isn't true." (Okay - so it's a quote from one of the more obnoxious daytime court show judges - but it's still quite valid.)
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/16/2008 7:59:51 PM | You'll be in my prayers.... yup, I be a praying woman! I ask Him everyday, "what do you want from me, what am I suppose to be getting out of this?" Every day.
There's a time for asking why, but then there comes a time for asking "what do I do with this?"
Many, many people will cross your path Ilynass, who will offer you gems of experience and wisdom. Examine them carefully, think about what message this situation holds for you, think on those things that are positive..... you are still a beautiful woman, you will encounter new people, new situations and you can learn so much listening to them.
If I could encourage you in anything, it would to limit your focus to these new people in your life. You can always revisit the "what if's and why's" later, but if you give these new encounters a chance, you won't be looking back, you'll be looking forward. The past will be just that, history, serving only as a foundation for the present and a future.
God Bless... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:56:03 PM | Hi llynass,
It's good that you are venting and getting some good advice--a lot of it is right on point. Returning from isolation camp, where he had you, is important. Reconnect with family and friends. Take your time--as much as you need, for as long as you need. You had 3 1/2 years of devastation, humiliation and you endured a hardcore terror campaign--well-thought out and practiced. Bet if you look into his past criminal (public) records you will find a lengthy history. Maybe that will also help you in your healing process.
A lot of things are at work here. Something called the 'Savior Syndrome' where you see a kernel/nugget of goodness/potential in the person. Problem is that it is (in psychological laymen's terms) only a vestige of what was once part of a "normal" human being. His psychosis has forever stunted that part of him and he only has rage, toxicity, extreme danger, and highly likely death to give you.
Now on to you. You are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have been in conditions similar to that of a POW, and you now need to enter therapy as part of the healing process. You do not have to hate the person (even if it amazes your therapist/other people if you do not)--the earlier commentor is right--the hate is a poison that will only hurt you physically and emotionally. And, it continues what I call his "legacy" by forcing you to do something that hurts you (kind of like taking over the job he was doing on you.) By the way, anger (at the circumstances, person) is not the same as hate--and anger may surface in you.
Another person said write down the pros/cons of dealing with him, and your wake up call. Do that. Then do something else that will help you on the road to recover--and long after you have healed. When it's time--and that certainly is not now, maybe not anytime soon--write down the warning signs that were there. (Like when all that at-your-elbow-closeness made you feel uneasy. And that list someone posted above on spoting abuser-behaviors.) Put a laminated copy in your wallet, post it in your home. When you begin enteracting with men after you truly are ready to date, remember the warning signs--peek into your purse (as if you are searching for something) if you need to do so. And do not, not, not, not--did I say not?--dismiss your intuitive sense. People often say to give someone the benefit of the doubt. In doing that, who or what do you have to ignore to give that benefit?......Your intuition, your gut feeling.....and that helps us to self-protect.
Believe it or not, inside these individuals, they are scared, vitriolic, heartless cowards. If you encounter him after his release take steps to let the law work for you. Get a restraining order, faithfully report him if he violates it. Change your locks, secure your premises, change your phone number, do whatever it takes to keep the clean break in place.
One final thing... For people who ask why you stayed so long, kept taking him back, tell you that you chose to be a victim--blow them off. If you want to respond, just smile sweetly and peacefully say to them, "I wish I always made perfect decisions. What is it like to always do things just the right way?" And turn around and walk away without waiting for an answer.
Take care and Take charge. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:58:26 AM | What do you do when it's your own famiy members who are now not willing to support you now that you have made the break? I have two children who are like this.
To be fair they have seen so much violence .. abuse..over the last three and a half years and always supported me before that they couldn't care less now. I do have support from two of the others but am not allowed to mention ever my ex's name.. they tell me to talk to someone who cares.
My 21 year old son told me in no uncertain terms that I am a loser.. that I am an embarassment.. that the whole going to court thing .. is going to be the worst ever. That I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and go back to work ( as he can no longer get any money from me until I do)!
He says that I am turning into an old woman in front of his eyes who just sits at home with the dogs.. and has no life. He also does not believe that should my ex be released from prison in three weeks time that he won't find him in this house again at some point in time.
I have tried to assure him that it's not going to happen but the insults are just coming fast and furious. The one time in our lives that I am unable to financially support him
and he kicks me where it hurts. He left home three years ago due to the violence and I wish that I could turn the clocks back but he seems to be adding to my depression now.
I am feeling so confused.
Has any one else experienced similar treatment from their children? | |
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Posted: 6/18/2008 6:36:31 AM | OK I am going to take a stab at this one. ^^^
I have 2 older men sons and went through divorce and such with me. One thing I have found that as sons watch their most influential person in their life ... same sex parent, that what they have witnessed makes them fearful. Mostly fearful because you will often hear a boy/girl say they don't want to be like their dad/mom.
As they get older and see more of the world they begin to notice that these traits are not exclusive to their (for the sake of argument here we will say fathers but vice versa is included) fathers. AND at the same time they get re-affirmation they they have always known deep down in that **kid's mind thinking** ... yes it was and is the wrong way to treat a woman, his mother in such/any manner of abuse.
Kids *forget easily* because the pain of being the witness and perhaps not being able to do anything becomes one issue. Confused as to whom to defend Mother/Father, as in making choices is also another issue.
Now as adults, to blame you is easier than to blame his father, the man who has been the biggest influence in his life. Whether he agrees or not ,,, deep down inside, you probably already know the answer to this question.
Perhaps he doesn't want to be like his father, but sees it in himself .... just maybe a few small traits ... and so to defend father and blame you could give him a future of being ok with an abusive relationship just incase he finds himself in one. Mirroring how he was raised. DNA is a big factor, parents are the children's DNA, their environment confirms it.
There is also probably a bit of embarrassment involved here if his peers know anything. I don't think it is things kids want others to know that ...
(even though you YES were treated shamefully, and YES you are doing the right thing going to court.)
.... they don't feel comfortable to have others see "the parents war". That is what they see ... parents warring in court is not the same visual as being in your home and a fist coming at you. That requires quick action to help ... but court takes too much out of a person emotionally. Kids then have to think about too much ... think about things such as choices as in choosing one parent over the other.
I know you would love to have your kids to stick by you, but probably so does their father. It becomes a tugging game of who loves who more. Please for your own heart ache and soul sake leave his family and your kids out of the situtation gracefully. They will only let you down because they can not chose.
Stick with your own family, not your kids .... to vent to and such. Stick with your friends ... and stick with us. Our answers are not always right ... but they are just different thoughts and different takes on a particular question.
I hope I didn't overstep my boundaries', and hope I made what I was trying to express clear. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/18/2008 6:50:46 AM | llynass - I've been waiting for this element.
I have tried to assure him that it's not going to happen but the insults are just coming fast and furious. The one time in our lives that I am unable to financially support him...
Dynamics, okay? Don't bite the bait. You do not have to defend, justify or even explain your decisions and choices to anyone - certainly not your adult children. Who's best interests is your son looking out for?
llynass - this stage is when you find out who your family really is and who your friends are. It's a harsh and hurtful awakening but the GOOD news is - you WILL make it through this too.
Consider this a form of practice. Thus far, and no judgment or blame here at all, someone else has been defining boundaries for you. The why doesn't matter. Now, regardless of what occurred in the past, time for tough love with your son. He drew his lines and further made it abundantly clear what matters to him. Who is the parent? Him? or you?
Those insults flying fast and furious I equate to a temper tantrum. Perish the thought that "mum" won't be able to financially support the 21 year old or any of the other children capable of earning a living. You buy into it or you don't. If you don't - then you set new expectations with them when you can follow through with what you say will happen. Until then? Distance yourself from the negativity and surround yourself with those who will help without enabling you, tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear and find yourself a professional therapist - seriously.
Your purpose for being born was NOT to devote your life to their happiness, let alone financially support them forever. Don't defend or justify them either simply because they were exposed to abuse. See the pattern and how similar it is to what you experienced in your relationship with the ex? Justifying your children as described empowers them to continue in destructive behaviors. Is that what you want to teach them? Of course not!
I do have support from two of the others but am not allowed to mention ever my ex's name.. they tell me to talk to someone who cares.
Well, my brother more or less told me the same thing yet in different words. I was hurt, of course. It didn't take long to figure out that at the end of the day, the only person who could make my life better was me whether I had support or zero support. It still was up to me to make my life better.
Your priority, if you want a better life than you had before this moment, is you - not your children. The most valuable lesson you could teach them at this point is that with or without their support and help - you have the guts to break free of the cycle of abuse #1 and #2 - you just do it.
More important than your family's support and help is their respect. You can't demand respect from anyone but you d*mn sure can command respect by your very actions, especially when you achieve that which appears impossible to achieve. Your family doesn't believe you can break free. So - are they right? Or are you ticked off enough to stand on your own two feet, say to bloody h*ll with cowering in fear day after day and live your own life rather than everyone else's (i.e. children, family, husband, friends - however well-intentioned or not)?
Why are you not displaying any anger, llynass? Without reviewing the entire thread, only once do I recall a tiny glimpse of anger. Hate to say it, but long past time you allowed yourself to get angry and not at yourself either. Even to go out in the woods somewhere and scream at the top of your lungs to no one in particular all the things you want to say to that SOB and whoever set you on that path in the first place before your ex ever came into your life.
Your choice, llynass. Totally your choice. I got wrapped up a bit myself with issues concerning my children, especially my oldest who was quite skilled at tugging the guilt strings. Oh yes, even caught up in justifying her outrageously disrespectful and even abusive behavior because she was, after all, abused (incest in her case). Yet, at the end of the day, there is a point when enough is enough. My point came when my youngest called 911 as she was terrified at her sister's behavior towards me.
When is enough really enough for you?
I'm not sure you're there yet. I'm not sure you know where enough is really enough for you is hiding. You're the only person who can look for it and find it.
Ready to get angry yet?
Shift focus from why this or that to focusing on behavior NOT the why behind the behavior! Including why you feel this or that. Why has nothing to do with anything - you feel what you feel and exploring why you feel what you feel certainly isn't helping you feel anything differently.
P.S. The talking to someone who cares may well be a different way of saying: start caring about YOU enough to act in YOUR best interests. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/18/2008 8:48:49 AM | Sweetheart...I went thru this also...and i know how the heart can break. I am STILL suffering from some of the effects that Domestic Violence can have on a persons life, but LISTEN CAREFULLY! So are my parents, my children, and my siblings!!!
you see? It not only effects JUST you and your kids, it effects EVERYBODY that you have ever, and WILL ever come into contact with for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!
How do i know this???
I grew up in the most loving home you could ever wish for!! My parent NEVER EVER said a cross word to each other (and to this day at 58 years together, no one has EVER heard them raise their voices at each other!!!)
So when i got married and moved 2000 miles away...i was in for the rudest awakening of my life!!!! My new husband turned into a raging MANIAC !!! He poured a boiling cup of coffee down my scalp and face, and slammed a bowl of hot food at my head. (on our so called honeymoon)
and thus the beginning of my 12 year nightmare
My bubbly personality began to close up. My parents would call and he would yank the phone from me and talk to them instead. ....When our second child was born, i lay in a coma, because he had pushed me out the car door for changing the radio dial and i went into labor. I could go on and on....
The thing is???
I do NOT have a bitter heart or mean bone in my body! There are some wonderful men out there and we mustnt judge all men by (in my case TWO) bad apples.
My advice is to make something happen out of this! NO , you are not ready YET. but one day, you may be able to help others in the same situation ..and if you can save just one or two from what you went thru, wont it be worth it?? | |
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Posted: 6/18/2008 10:23:46 AM | In reply to onmyown4.. Thankyou for your post.. I would like to say though that my ex is not my son's father. His father never raised a finger to me or his voice however he did go off and make a new life for himself and break all contact with the children! Saying that ..he has resurfaced and is now in their lives and has a new wife and son and so he has things to work through with the children.
Angelheart3 I have taken onboard all your advice thankyou. I feel like my son is now becoming an abuser / controller or has the potential. I must admit he broke my heart but I am also trying hard to see things from their / his point of view. All the children say that the signs were there in the beginning and yes I see them now and I can't turn back the clock and can only move forward if they will allow me. They even seem a little disgusted that I was even in a sexual relationship at my age and was no longer putting them first. These are the feelings that are coming through now.
I am seeing a psychotherapist at an adult trauma unit and Ienjoy the sessions but she seemed concerned that despite the sessions I mentioned that I continue to feel in the world but not of it.
I feel unreal at present. The police don't keep me up to date with proceedings. I havn't read through my evidence and I made my statement in February. The trial begins July 14th and I call them and leave messages but they just don't get back to me.
Am afraid to get angry incase I look like a mad woman and as my children say .. I chose to get into the relationship. They don't understand why I have been signed off work until after the trial as I'm not physically handicapped and of course the money situation has now changed. As they are adults and living elsewhere they I feel need to look after themselves or take some responsibility for their welfare. They inform me that I am their mother until death otherwise I should of thought about having children.
There is so much going on in my head that I feel a failure at everything and just can't get to grips with anything at the moment. I am however thankful to you and I KNOW that it is only myself who has to make changes. Some days are a little bit harder than others and yes I know that you have been there and I can see that you have suffered greatly to.. I almost feel a fraud.
I think that as I have been through a divorce and picked up the pieces and then carried on with the children and studied for a much better job with a good income that some how the children are absolutely ashamed at me but they are young and yet to experience life. The youngest being 20 and they see everything in black and white. Not that I want them to experience any hardships but we all experience some along the way. They are all adults and are well educated and yes I think that I am venting some frustration here.
To wanna c stars.. thankyou for your input to.. I am greatful. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:36:56 PM |
I feel like my son is now becoming an abuser / controller or has the potential. I must admit he broke my heart but I am also trying hard to see things from their / his point of view.
From what little you describe of him, he surpassed becoming one a while ago, even if only in the aspect of disrespecting your very position as his mother. You do not own how he has chosen to react and respond to his life experiences - he does. Put that one in the "deal with it later" pile.
"I am also trying hard to see things from their / his point of view." - Stop doing that. It's "stinkin' thinkin". You have as much right to your own point of view as they do. So what if they see it differently? They didn't experience your life in your footsteps through your eyes. You don't need their permission to have your own point of view and you certainly do not need to prove anything to them or even understand their point of view. Agree to disagree and leave it there. Sounds like your children are tugging the guilt strings. So you weren't a perfect mum. None of us are. Pull the plug on that now and put the rest in the "deal with it later" pile.
All the children say that the signs were there in the beginning and yes I see them now and I can't turn back the clock and can only move forward if they will allow me.
We all have 20/20 vision when it comes to hindsight but does that change anything? No. And as for the "allowing" part from your children? WHO is the parent? You don't need their permission to do squat.
Set the boundary - just one boundary and stand your ground on that one boundary. You are their mum and no matter what they feel or judge about your choices, beginning this moment YOUR expectation is that they will relate to you with dignity, courtesy and respect - NOT negotiable. The moment any of them cross that boundary or attempt to - conversation is over until they can speak to you with courtesy, respect and dignity, no matter what the "issue". Consistently and NO exceptions. Stay away from hot topics in the interim. Blame, by the way, is not a respectful behavior and is certainly not dignified, IMO.
Meanwhile, your boundary #1 for yourself? No more justifying, explaining, or defending your choices to anyone. Discuss with your therapist the possibility of a visual method of measuring how much self-blaming you are really engaging in. Good method also to measure progress in shifting that stinkin' thinkin' around with a simple strategy of two jars and coins, marked accordingly.
Am afraid to get angry incase I look like a mad woman and as my children say .. I chose to get into the relationship.
llynass - you already are raging yet you are directing it internally which is as destructive to yourself as going back to the ex would be, only differently. Talk to your therapist about safe strategies to re-direct your anger to help you, rather than hurt you. Journalize - let it come out there, every blasted thing that comes to mind. As far as looking like a mad woman? Under the circumstances, don't you agree that you have much to be angry about?
As for choosing to enter the relationship? Yes - you did. However, you did not choose or control how your partner reacted and responded each time he abused you. Did you choose to go back and/stay? Yes. However, you still did not choose or control your partner's reaction and response each time he abused you. Could you have chosen to leave him sooner? Yes, but what difference does it make in the here and now? Your reasons were your reasons and no one but you is really qualified to judge your reasons as they were not you - period.
They inform me that I am their mother until death otherwise I should of thought about having children. Wow...all that life experience of theirs really qualifies them to define for their own mother her "responsibilities"?  Turn it around on them - once they reach the age of majority, they are accountable and responsible for parenting themselves which include experiencing the consequences of their own choices - good, bad or ugly. Sounds to me like your children are begging you to set clearly defined boundaries between you and them by testing your limits beyond measure. A mid-range set on the deal with sooner than later pile.
As they are adults and living elsewhere they I feel need to look after themselves or take some responsibility for their welfare.
 Absolutely and even at they respective ages, if the best support they can offer to you emotionally is negative - not the best place for you to expect support, let alone get the support and counseling you need at this time.
Now, llynass - sorry if all of this overwhelms you as that is not my intention. Take a nibble at a time and let it process.
Homework for the next few days - work on with conscious intention switching focus off "I feel". I know the emotions are overwhelming and it's easy to get stuck there. However, work on switching to more action oriented statements.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:33:21 AM | You ask about children...
My son retreated into a shell while we separated and worked through the divorce. When my ex moved away (10 hr drive) he went with her and rarely visited. That was very tough. Especially since he wouldn't talk about whatever was bothering him.
Then out of the blue (5yrs later) he graduates from High School and decides to move out of her house into mine! That caught both of us (my ex and I) by surprise. But I think he chose that route because, despite his reluctance to visit or communicate, I assured him that I'll always be here for him no matter what.
And just now, my daughter (2yrs still to go before graduating) had decided to make the same move. She and I have always gotten along well, communicated well, and visited often. So, needless to say, there are some huge changes in my life just now! I had always given her the same assurance.
My ex had made their lives quite miserable and destroyed their self-esteem, as she did mine. So it was also a matter of leaving a bad scene and being drawn to a good one.
So, make sure that your children know that you'll always be there for them. Make sure they know they're always welcome to visit, talk, etc. Let them know you're going through a tough time just now, but you're getting better. Focus on whatever positive things happen each day, and talk about those with them, even if they don't respond. Send them an email about how beautiful the roses are today. Or how you saw something and it made you laugh. Don't expect any answer, but be happy if you get one. Before you hit the SEND button, look over what you've written and delete anything negative and anything about your ex and anything about the trial.
It may take time for them to come around. It took 5yrs of patience with my son, but it is worth it. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2008 3:57:54 AM | Am I experiencing anger yet?
Today I feel like I hate the entire world.
Today I feel like I can't trust anyone. Family , friends, loves.
Today I feel like I don't want to be a part of this world any more.
Today I feel like I am facing a huge responsibility.. If this guy goes back to prison for years ..Is it my fault? No.. but indirectly.........?!!!!!!!!
If he walks then I am in big trouble.
My broken heart seems to remain this way.
I am consumed with so many different feelings.. ups and downs.
This guy continues to mess with my head but I'l bet he is only thinking about himself!
Am I beginning to feel angry? | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/24/2008 4:30:23 AM | | Keep going hun, this is all part of the healing process. You will feel better once the court case is over, what ever the outcome. If he does get away with it I don't think he will bother you, you have stood upto him, bullies don't like to be stood upto. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:31:40 AM | Am I beginning to feel angry?
YEP - you're getting there. Now use it to get you through the court business.
If this guy goes back to prison for years ..Is it my fault? No.. but indirectly.........?!!!!!!!!
NO - stinkin' thinkin' sneaking in the back door. Prison is the consequence for HIS choices. HIS choices brought him here. Now, kick that stinkin' thinkin' to the curb. If you witnessed a robbery, would you testify or pretend you saw nothing? What if during that robbery, the store owner was injured? Or worse...died? Would you testify or pretend you saw nothing, know nothing? Of course you would testify in that situation because you care about the people this man will hurt in the future if you don't.
Leave fault behind - remember he chose to do what he did long before you entered his life and didn't give a rat's behind about anything or anyone when he chose to do what he did. Now - help put that sucker in prison where he belongs!
My broken heart seems to remain this way.
A lot of that is the internal war between head and heart. All those confusing mixed messages between what you saw, heard and felt. Your heart will heal in time. Meanwhile, work on re-programing "head". Positive books, positive movies, positive people, quiet walks - whatever brings you peace.
I am consumed with so many different feelings.. ups and downs.
You've been on a roller coaster ride in that relationship so it has become a habit. You've come to expect the other shoe to drop and it's going to take time to break this habit and put a new one in it's place.
This guy continues to mess with my head but I'l bet he is only thinking about himself!
Every time you wonder or worry about what he is doing, thinking or feeling, you invite him into your head to mess with it. Now, unless you like him residing between your ears - kick him out on his bum every time he sneaks in.
Today I feel like I don't want to be a part of this world any more.
Turn it around - today you don't want to be a part of HIS world anymore.
Today - make the decision that no matter what - this SOB will not steal your life away from you. Every time you think about quitting - not matter what you are not going to give this SOB the satisfaction of destroying the essences of your life.
Remember - God don't make junk. God made you. Because HE made YOU, your life has meaning even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Do you know how many victims you are teaching and even helping even by starting this thread in the first place? That's a HUGE thing. It doesn't matter whether they post here or not, it doesn't even matter if they don't ever contact you directly - God knows who they are.
Now - you go take on the day. Let a little determination kick in - look for what's right about today and embrace what's right about today. Tomorrow isn't here yet.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:04:42 PM | Checking in to see how you are doing and feeling!!
Awwwwsum support system here, Hun! Keep reaching out , this is the best "therapy" you can recieve and give!! Not only are you getting some help by having friends to vent to, you are helping some who have been there and have held some resentment and they are learning to let it go! HANG IN THERE!!! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/25/2008 10:56:09 AM | Am not sure which thread that I read about the following web site..
www.lovefraud.com but it is excellent. Have just read my life story all over again the same as all of you.
Its still emotionally devastating to realise that this person whose told you that they love you so many times did not mean a single word of it. It knocks you for six.
That they can leave you financially finished..yes.
Emotionally crushed ..yes.
Convince almost everyone that you are the bad guy.. yes. Your family and theirs.
Move on to the next person without even giving you a second thought.. yes.
That you were just a supply source to them.. housing..sex..food..money..etc..etc.
NOTHING ELSE.
And as in my case leave when he had no further purpose for me and turning the situation completely around . | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/25/2008 12:29:44 PM | | texas woman syndrome -- cut it out - for real -- azzholes dont change and someone being an azz may stop being an azz but azzholes remain azzholes - YOU CANT CHANGE THEM! - THERE'S NOTHING TO MOURN OR GET OVER - START LIVING AGAIN! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/25/2008 12:42:35 PM | | AND STOP TRYING TO SEE ANYTHING FROM ANYONE ELSE'S VIEW POINT (YOUR SON/EX/DOG/MAILMAN/WHOEVER)-- U NEED TO START SEEING FOR YOURSELF SINCE U HAVENT SEEN ANYTHING IN A LONG TIME -- LOOK AROUND YOU - GET A LOCK ON WHERE U ARE , AND THEN WORRY ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE IS TELLING YOU - BUT ONLY IF IT IS CONVENIENT AND IS OF ACTUAL HELP IN GETTING TO WHERE "YOU" WANT TO GO NOT WHERE THEY THINK U SHOULD GO OR YOU FEEL OBLIGATED TO GO OR YOU WILL END UP IN THE GRAVE WITH A NICE INSURANCE CHECK TO THOSE LEFT BEHIND AND THEY WONT BE MOURNING YOU -- GET OVER THAT TEXAS WOMAN SYNDROME MISSY -- AND STOP POSTING CAUSE U ARE KEEPING YOURSELF FROM STARTING LIFE -- THIS IS A DATING SITE -- START HITTING UP SOME OF THOSE GUYS ON HERE -- READ SOME PROFILES AND MEET SOME PEOPLE | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/25/2008 1:14:23 PM | Darn - can you warn us before you shout, azahram? My ears are still ringing!!!
Thank you.
For the record, the only person on the planet who knows what the OP needs to do is the OP. It is HER decision - period. It is HER decision where she reaches out for help and who she reaches out to - period. It is HER decision whose feedback, perceptions and suggestions are valid for her - period. Now, unless your brain is residing in her cranium - how could you possibly know what she needs to do and how she needs to do it?
For the record - her name is NOT "missy".
As to:
STOP POSTING CAUSE U ARE KEEPING YOURSELF FROM STARTING LIFE
Got news for you, buddy, she started life the moment of conception (or depending on one's beliefs - the moment of birth). At present, she's working on her Master's degree in LIFE and struggling in some of her classes. Now, unless you are prepared to take her exams posing as her, I suggest you study for your own LIFE exams.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/25/2008 5:22:27 PM | I realize I am posting to a 10-page plus topic & hope that I am not repeating something already mentioned. I felt this was important enough to risk the chance of duplication.
First off, you are not alone, there are many, many, many others, some who will speak out & some who won't. While it is great to have family support during this time, family can only hear the things that you will want to vent & express so often & then they just can't hear it any more - too painful for them is one way to look at it. That's where a good support group comes in, people who have been there, or are going through it.
Go ahead & cry when you can, the tears have a purpose. It's amazing how many tears a person can shed at a time like this. Don't want to cry around family? Go to a car wash, the kind where you sit in your car - then you can wail & sob in privacy & get your car clean at the same time.
The early months, yes I said months, will be intense, as you have already seen. As far as healing time goes, there is no perfect answer as to how long that will take. I've heard it said that it takes one year of healing time for every 4 yrs in a relationship. So for those who are coming out of a 25 yr relationship, you are looking at at least 6 yrs of healing time. Those who won't wait out the healing time & jump into another relationship within a year are only applying an emotional bandaid that many later come to regret. At least, that is what I have seen over the years.
I wish you a safe & peaceful healing. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/25/2008 6:36:32 PM | Would like to let a certain gentleman know had it not been for this forum that I would never have understood what had happened to me .I was shell shocked. I have discovered that I am no longer isolated and have friends far and wide. Real friends who talk to me through these posts and keep me strong. He has no idea .
There is one lady in particular who knows who she is .. She saved me..She has been like my guardian 'angel' and every other poster has also been the supporting angels. We have shared something that can only be understood by living it. Like experienceing a labour pain.
I have cried more lately than in the beginning of the breakup as I was numb then and even.. I will be honest about this..even when others are telling me how strong and well I am doing ..I have wanted to shout in the middle of the street and say no I'm not... Please take notice of my pain.. please understand me.. what did I do wrong ?.. why did he say he loved me but hurt me so much?
So to the gentleman ............... I would like to say to you................
Without the shared experiences and real understanding ..I personally would of found it very difficult to climb out of the pit of depression this time. I was worn down!
I have had to wake up and do it myself of course.. but the support that I have been given and the friendship shown has been the best.
Thankyou everyone. | |
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