| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/25/2008 7:12:20 PM |
I have cried more lately than in the beginning of the breakup as I was numb then and even..
Another favorite quote: "Tears are the words of emotions." Crying and feeling anything is good even though it doesn't feel so good at all when first coming out of numbness. Did you know that the brain in severe trauma creates it's own anesthesia? Rather amazing actually. Theoretically, I would imagine that the mind is somewhat similar as far as that numbness aspect.
I will be honest about this..even when others are telling me how strong and well I am doing ..I have wanted to shout in the middle of the street and say no I'm not... Please take notice of my pain.. please understand me.. what did I do wrong ?.. why did he say he loved me but hurt me so much?
We noticed, llynass, and we understood you. All the more reason we couldn't let you walk that balancing beam without a spotter in case your foot went down too far left or two far right and you fell on your bum.
Good job standing up for yourself, by the way.
Something to keep in the background of your mind though - you don't ever have to defend, explain or justify yourself to anyone - ever. A habit that is very hard to break, for now - just be aware of it. Baby steps - you know.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/25/2008 7:29:20 PM | I suggest you take care of yourself physically & emotionally as if it were yr best girlfriend. Emotionally, asap get COUNSELLING, learn & do it.
physically eat & drink healthy without caffeine, de-cafeinated ok, if U smoke, cut back a bit 2 per mo. Exercise, a good walk, bikeride, or? 4-5times a week. Go to bed at reg hour & get full nites sleep. You wake up feeling great.
The emotional affects the physical and vice versa. A day at a time, you will get better & better!!! When he comes into yr mind, toss it out & replace wi a nice thought of yourself, & then give yrself credit. You are not alone. Find a support group and go. Its important rite now even to just listen. Take care.  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:44:06 AM | | wow that sounds like my family all my guy cousins wanted to beat up my ex but i told them not to because he wasnt worth them getting arrested. they said dont worry they wonnt find a body to prove anything. but my ex was sent to prison fot 17 years he could have gotten 35 to life if it went to jury trial but they offered him a plea so he took it but my cousins still want to beat him up i dont think he'll ever try to come around me though hes not that stupid he knows how my family is everyone in my home town feel the same strangers tell me they are going to take care of him for me so i feel totally safe now i volunteer at a shelter for abused women it helps me alot | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:23:18 PM | There is a new forum on domestic violence and the legal system's treatment of victims.
While the lady who has begun this forum has posted on my thread and has been very supportive and her own thread on abuse has been very interesting ..this thread is frightening me. I only have 2 weeks to go before I take the stand and already a lady from England has written that due to her partner's mother's support he got off. My abuser's mother is also taking the stand and i'm not feeling very confident now. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:50:10 PM | I am the lady of which you speak Ilynass... And I am sorry if my thread is frightening to you... I truly am...
In the new thread, I am attempting to discuss the experiences people have had within the legal system and it may very well be that within it, you will eventually find some reasons to believe in a fair and just outcome for your situation. The lady who "already posted" in that thread ALSO said that the police and victim's assistance were very helpful to her.
There are no guarantees for the judge to make a decision that you agree with or don't agree with as the decision always falls to the evidence before them. You have to know that on your way in and you also need to be prepared for any decision the judge might make.
The decision to prosecute your ex was not yours. The decision as to whether or not your ex is guilty or not guilty will not be yours. The sentencing he gets if he is convicted is not yours. The ONLY thing you own in all of this is your truths and the responsibility for working hard to get your own life back on track.
If you find that the other thread is bothersome to you, you have one or two options. You can ask the mods to delete it OR you can simply not visit it until after your own court is over.
Courage, my friend.. is NOT the absence of fear... It's the willingness to face the fear and do what you must do...
For the record, I think there is value to the new thread because if enough of us talk about the legal process we find ourselves caught up in, we can perhaps find a way to change a system that isn't providing enough support to those who are experiencing this situation. In your own situation, the prosecution has obviously taken you seriously enough to press charges and bring the offender to trial. In many situations, that doesn't happen and it's very concerning. That is my hope with that thread but my hope for you is that you will proceed in the ways that are safe for you...
God bless... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/28/2008 6:05:53 PM | Thankyou for your honesty Silken Fire..Everything you say is true.
Your thread isn't bothersome and I will be able to give my own input following the trial.
However all my thoughts are pre-occupied with how the defense may try to discredit me as I am sure they are going to try their utmost to do and I'm still feeling fragile.
The decision to go to court though IS mine as I do not have to. Therefore I am willing to face the fear and do what I have to do. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:31:30 AM |
The decision to go to court though IS mine as I do not have to.
That's right! You're are not in the same place you were with the ex. When you were with him - you "had" to do whatever you had to do to survive as best you could. Now - you can actually safely make choices and decisions PLUS even think about them before you make them without someone hammering into you (verbally, mentally and physically).
Pretty cool place to be, huh?
As far as the other threads, keep in mind, llynass, that everyone is in a different "place" in the process of life. So when you encounter a post or thread that is frightening to you, tuck the words you read in the background of your mind to think about when you are ready to think about them. :-) | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:42:42 AM | I once dated a guy who had previously dated an abusive girlfriend. I don't know if she physically hit him but she used every manipulative trick in the book, locked him out of the house, spoiled countless vacations, a million crying jags & scenes, verbal & psychic hurricanes etc.
I was thinking about getting 'serious' with him when I started to get unusual messages from him, he's 'confused" etc. Turns out this girl had come back into his life. He needed to "help her", needed "time" to "straighten things out."
I realized what was happening. "You can't stay away from her because you are addicted to being a 'rescuer'". I'm just a boring date but she "makes you feel like Jesus" because only YOU can "help" her.
He did not enjoy being told this. I haven't heard from him since.
At last I understood the word "co=dependent".
As for your situation... avoid people with 'problems' who need to be "helped" no matter how much fake love & flowers they shower you with!!! Good luck. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:57:51 AM | | Graveyards are full of people just like you. People who believe the abuser loves them enough to change. They love you to death. No pun intended. I was married to an abuser both physically and mentally and up until the day I divorced him he was and still is that way. Typically they never change. It's all about control and domination. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:33:04 AM | Great post, atouchoftink. So true. Hopefully you are doing great today!!!
Hope all is going well with OP! Hugz | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:44:44 AM | | wanna: Thanks and as of today I am doing great and hope all the fish's on POF are to. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:52:10 PM | | llynass.....be strong hunny i like everyone else be holding your hand on the 14th july ....thinking of you ...joolsy | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:20:57 PM | Ditto here to Joolsy's post. July 14th is marked on my calendar to hold your hand too, llynass!
P.S. I'll verify the time difference so we are on the same time and on the same day. I almost forgot about that!
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:40:27 PM | I don't know what to say to you Angelheart3 and Joolsy .I would love to meet you one day and hug you in person. I had a panic attack this morning so I have to stop worrying as what will be will be but I'd like you to know that I'm not over him but I am over him !... and I know that you know what I mean.
I'm going to share this with you... personally!
I received a card from my youngest daughter in the post today and its titled
ANGEL OF HOPE., and it goes like this
If your life's broken and shattered
and the pieces just won't mend
and you feel your in a tunnel
that has no light at the end
No matter what the situation
you must always strive
to hold on to your hope
and you'll feel
stronger and survive.
For an angel's watching over you
who'll help you make a start
to recover all the hope you have
that's hidden in your heart.
To my mummy! I love you So remember that! X
Everything will work out fine.
God has a Plan for all of us.
love Danielle. X
What really matters is right in front of my nose . Now that I am free to think for myself
I can say: I was blind but now I see.
I cannot put into words how much I value you as TRUE Friends.
And thanks from the bottom of my heart to every one who has posted on this thread.
:hug | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:11:02 PM | Very beautiful, llynass, very beautiful indeed and thank you for sharing Danielle's card with us.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:19:22 PM | | im so so prouud of you llynass.....look how far you have come .... thank you for sharing that lovely cardyour daughter sent you its beautiful ....be strong llynass you can do it you no ....we are all holding yourhand remember that hugs joolsy | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:38:40 PM | My darling please read these song lyrics, because believe me you can and will come out the other side, you will see that light at the end of the tunnel, the memories dont ever go, but they do in time become a little bit more easier to bare, then one day they are a very distant memory reminding you how far you have come, a stronger woman, a fighter, dont let him win, dont let him tear anymore of your life apart
One more hour burns
So scared of his return
That I can't sleep tonight
In this hospital light
You call a tragedy
Is just another day to me
For my heart beats with fear
As his footsteps draw near
The life I meant to lead
Won't slip away from me..
'because this time is the last time
I know that my eyes have seen too much
This nightmare is not fair
And I've had enough
You break me, and as I bleed
You just say you're sorry
You call this love?
But this time your lies
Are not enough
This time.............
There's nothing left of this
Your wispered words and deadly threats
Rip away the seams of what I thought this would be
The last thread has come undone
To reveal what I've become
Another victim of a poison love
I've been afraid for years
But that won't keep me here..
You break me
To just say you're sorry
You call this love?
But this time your lies
Are not enough
This time...........
You're what remains a mystery
You CANNOT have the best of me
So I'm taking back
All you took from me
'Cuz this time is the last time
I know that my eyes have seen too much
This nightmare is not fair
And I've had enough
You break me
To just say you're sorry
You call this love?
But this time your lies
Are not enough
This time........................................
Stand tall my love and dont ever feel alone xx | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:34:33 PM | Well.. I shoulda known this would be where I'd find my favorite cheering squad... with their support wrapped around yet another survivor in cyber hugs... What amazing people you are!
Nicky Nack... Your prose packs an emotional wallop with every word for those of us who've been there... It made my eyes heat up with tears but this time, it's because the loneliness of abuse is screaming out of every word... and so many of us know what that is in a way that there simply are no words for... The more words we find, the less abstract and nightmarish it becomes... Thank you for sharing that with the rest of us...
Ilynass... I have not been so vocal because as soon as I saw who was walking beside you from the beginning of this thread, I knew the fog of your emotions would begin to lift and even though, you continue to have your fear spasms, the lady who first posted here, was still too overwhelmed to even think of going to court. From my bird's eye perch on this here wire, you have many angels supporting you (including your wonderful daughter) and I hope that when you get those awful moments, you feel them fluttering around you until the moments pass...
I hope it's okay to talk to you a bit about the court process and some ways that you can prepare for it... I have been through that process 5 times. It was always different but in some ways, it was always the same and in a way, that was a relief.
No one in criminal court, expects for you to sit there like a rock. The stuff that goes in and out of criminal court, day after day, year after year has taught the judicial system well about man's inhumanity to man (substitute woman)... So that's the first thing I hope you will realize... Nothing much surprises the judges. If something hurts you or makes you cry, it really is okay so don't feel that you need to stuff your feelings down.
Secondly, you will find that the prosecutor will give the majority of the evidence that caused the police to lay charges against him. It won't be necessary for you to stand up and articulate every single thing that happened because the prosecutor will lay that out.
If you can arrange to have half an hour with the prosecutor prior to trial, that will really help you although I know that sometimes, it doesn't happen. On one occasion, the prosecutor took me aside and asked me for my view on what I thought would be a fair outcome in the day's proceedings. In this, I felt that I had a bit of a voice... That was a nice change...
Third, if there is victim's assistance unit connected to the police department in your area, you will find they will walk right beside you through the day. They will meet with you to explain the processes and you shouldn't be surprised if you feel a hand on your elbow from time to time.
This next suggestion might not help you but it helped me... I made a list of the possible outcomes and then I made lists of what I'd do if any one of them was the result. For instance, I would list what I would do if he was found guilty and sentenced.. Or what I would do if he was acquitted and released. I felt calmer walking into court knowing that I had a plan regardless of the outcome.
And finally, I pray that you will remember that no matter how it goes or how personal it feels to you, it isn't because of you that he's facing the judge. It's because of how HE chose to handle his problems and now, it's also part of his journey to have the court administer justice. There is nothing you can do or could have done to alter the fact that abusive people only have 2 choices... One is to hate the justice system so much that they behave themselves and the other one is to love being treated like a child... HIS choice Hon.. not yours...
(Oh.. and one other thing that helped me when mine used to bore holes into me trying to get my attention to mouth how much he loved me through the plexiglass... His intention was to try to affect my testimony... Instead, I used to stare at him without changing my expression one bit... and imagine him exactly as he was when he'd last caused me to stand in a pool of my own terrified sweat.)
Watch the judge when you're testifying... It is him you are speaking to...
But most of all... just be yourself, tell the truth and let justice do its job...
God bless you Ilynass... I'll be sending you another angel to help you be strong on the 14th....
Silken | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:30:38 AM |
I don't know what to say to you Angelheart3 and Joolsy .I would love to meet you one day and hug you in person.
llynass ... If that is what you really want, I will try to see if I can help you in the fall. Karma says you two should meet. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:49:36 AM | Thankyou for your post .... onmyown4 Bless you.
The police have visited today ( these police officers are sexual offence officers), they are supposed to be ''understanding, supportive, caring, etc,etc''. Some how whenever they leave I always feel ten times worse than I did before the arrived. Why is that?
They have encouraged me to give evidence and yet in the next breath they are telling me '' Be prepared for the lies he's going to tell, as you know he's continuing to plead not guilty'' . I say ,'' I realise this , that's why I'm going to court. I then say i'm not staying to hear what he is saying as I'm being sheltered by screen and it would look silly to then go and sit in the court. I'm then told .. well the jury is going to hear the lies. What is this supposed to mean. I get more and more confused!
Do they want me to go or not?
I was full of confidence yesterday .... that is of at least facing the courts.. Now!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:02:47 AM | | I am getting on this very late & do not know all the circumstances, just know that I have been through a similar situation- it is so hard to go to court, I was fortunate enough to be supported by The Battered Womens Project in my area- they know all the ins & outs of court proceedings & were wonderful. i also will add that going to court, no matter how stressful, is a part of the healing process, or at least proved so to me. And yes, he will tell lies, who wants to admit their cruelty etc? They almost always lie. You will have to hope that the jury knows who to believe. You will be in my prayers, there are mny of us out here who knows what you are going thru. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:35:51 AM |
Some how whenever they leave I always feel ten times worse than I did before the arrived. Why is that?
Because you're scared and it's okay to feel scared.
They have encouraged me to give evidence and yet in the next breath they are telling me '' Be prepared for the lies he's going to tell, as you know he's continuing to plead not guilty'' . I say ,'' I realise this , that's why I'm going to court. I then say i'm not staying to hear what he is saying as I'm being sheltered by screen and it would look silly to then go and sit in the court. I'm then told .. well the jury is going to hear the lies. What is this supposed to mean. I get more and more confused!
Take a deep breath. They are trying to prepare you by setting realistic expectations. Expect that he will lie - in other words, don't be blindsided by the defense. Be strong and stick to the truth. This is one of those times when the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" applies. He can say whatever the h*ll he wants - but that doesn't make it the truth.
All you are there to do is tell the truth. That's all. That is the only piece of the whole process you own - speak the truth to the best of your ability. No matter what lies he tells, you confidently stick with the truth.
Yes - they want you to go and they want you to be a strong witness which means you have to tap into the depths of your being for your courage to hold you together for your testimony. What you are told in advance gives you time to mentally prepare for how you are going to react - particularly when the defense cross-exams you (presumably as tey do is US?). That is your biggest challenge on the 14th - holding it together then and it's not going to be easy. No point in sugar-coating it. However - you CAN do this and you WON'T fall apart. It's as simple as making the decision and acting on the decision.
It looks big and huge right now because it's looming ahead in your near future and it's an experience you haven't had before so you have no reference point to draw upon in personal experience to reassure yourself that it's not that huge after all. After the 14th, no matter the outcome of the trial, you'll look back on that day and it won't seem so huge as it did before you took that witness stand.
Hang tough!! Just hang tough. Imagine (if you can and keep a straight face) if you have to that he's sitting there in court in his underwear. Or imagine SICK tattooed across his forehead. Whatever works. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:58:54 AM |
Some how whenever they leave I always feel ten times worse than I did before the arrived. Why is that?
That, my brave friend, is more a product of your experiential emotional state..than from those trained officers. They are not responsible for your feelings...they're yours alone...
BE STRONG, know you have been egregiously wronged, and as you confront that evil,
approaching the edges so to speak...an inner voice is still screaming subconsciously that somehow you were responsible , brought it upon yourself, "deserved" it.....etc
But hear not those ghosts.
YOU are in the right, live it, believe it!
And the jury will hear the lies....
YOU just tell YOUR truth, as objectively and dispassionately as you can muster.
You WILL prevail...((hugs and prayers))
and you are NOT alone... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:11:26 AM | So well stated it bears repeating:
But hear not those ghosts.
YOU are in the right, live it, believe it!
And the jury will hear the lies....
YOU just tell YOUR truth, as objectively and dispassionately as you can muster.
You WILL prevail...((hugs and prayers))
and you are NOT alone...
llynass - if I have learned nothing else in 52 years of life, I have learned that truth always comes out. Always.
Write heartseekertrue's words above and post them where you can read them every day. Okay? They'll help to chase the "ghosts" away.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/1/2008 10:50:16 AM | | llynass be brave hunny be strong ....you can do this you i no you can its your time to tell the truth and be heard ....im so so proud of you ....on the 14th walk tall hunny ,hold you head up ,you are one amazing lady .....you can do this .......remember he can lie as much as he likes ,but you no the truth hunny ....good always conquers evil you no ...be holding ya hand and thinking of you ...hugs joolsy | |
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