| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:43:57 PM | I grew up in a domestic violence household. I phoned the police so many times i've lost count and i've visited my mother in hospital so many times i've lost count. Iv'e also lost count of the amount of times that she said that she wasn't having him back.
She always takes him back. I've moved out ..she is on her own now. Why does she do this? I can't deal with worrying about finding her dead. What do I do? I'm beside myself with worry. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:18:35 PM | >>>>>>
She doesnt even KNOW why she does it! Im so sorry you had to go thru this, sweetie! I am so sorry i put MY precious children thru it!! But i finally, FINALLY came to my senses when they were 8 and 10.... then, a second marriage , a man who said he would NEVER HURT me, NEVER hit me, NEVER harm me....hurt me worse than the first one EVER EVER did!!!! this time my babies were 10 months and 22 months when i got out and the older one was 14, 15...
One day she will learn, and if she doesnt, just remember that it was NOT your fault. WE have a choice and sometimes we just are not strong enough to make that choice for ourself. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:52:50 PM |
She always takes him back. I've moved out ..she is on her own now. Why does she do this? I can't deal with worrying about finding her dead. What do I do? I'm beside myself with worry.
It's a scary and helpless way to feel knowing your mom continues to go back and there is nothing you can do about that. As the other poster stated, she doesn't know why she goes back.
What you do depends on what you want to do as far as your life is concerned and that is not being selfish. You can't force her to leave and you can't prevent her from going back. You also can't reasonably put your life on hold being consumed with worry over things you simple are not able to change either. Not meaning to come across harsh or insensitive but truthful. She has made her choices and whatever it's going to take for her to make the choice to leave and stay gone isn't known, can't be predicted and can't be imposed. You do have your own life to live fully, or not live fully. It is your choice.
I will add this. That you as her daughter grew up in a violent household should say volumes about your importance to her as her daughter vs. her importance to you as your mother. You can't save her. All the worry in the world won't save her. She hasn't been able to break the cycle - you, on the other hand, CAN. It may mean that you have to let go and grieve now for the mother you wished you had, and love the mother you have as she is.
You've got some tough decisions/choices to make. I would suggest that you may want to consider discussing your concerns with a professional counselor where you are more free to openly discuss the specifics. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:50:24 PM | Sorry just stumbled upon this................the only thing I can say i stand your ground you have done nothing wrong...sadley the system will make it hard for you but you must be strong you are the victim!! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:17:20 AM | | Have just had a conversation with a well meaning male relative who has informed me that I am 53.. therefore devoid of emotion and should of known better. I invited this guy back into my home upon his release from prison so what do I expect. He said the jury will feel the same way. Help! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:27:48 AM | | llynass ..keep focused hunny ...doint listen to people who are criterizing you ...what do they no ...ok you took him back after his release ....the judge and jury will no and have heard of battered wives syndrome ...so please doint worry ...why do people say this things to you ,they should be supporting you ...just ignore them stay strong ok ...hugs joolsy ......And hey remember you are doing the right thing ...no more doubts ok ...hugs joolsy | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:37:03 AM | Thanks joolsy.. I so appreciate you. I was reading the forum about forgiveness following abuse and it seem that there is a lot of ill feeling amongst people on that thread. As you stated everyone heels there own pace. I felt uncomfortable reading the last few comments posted there. It feels like a competition of my abuse was worse than yours therefore what do you know. Why can't they just support each other.
I am off to Sapphire now to view my video evidence so I guess that i'll be needing a hanky.  to you. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:41:49 AM | If the relative was "well-meaning", he wouldn't be so d*mn judgmental. Age has nothing to do with squat and certainly does not drive our emotions. It's real easy to sit on the sidelines with shoulda couldas on someone else's life and, where was all this well-meaning relative's SUPPORT (even if only emotional) while you were in hell?
Since when is this well-meaning relative a prophet and mind-reader? Amazing that he knows before the jury what their feelings will be.
llynass, no matter how much you may care about this well-meaning relative - he's the idiot. His remarks to you were nothing more than HIS own justification in dismissing his own lack of compassion. Sounds like he simply doesn't want to be involved and lacks the brass to just say so. Accommodate him - never speak of this matter with him again and in the meanwhile, I'd be quite distant from him. From what you describe, at least verbally, he demeaned and diminished and blamed you.
What I see is that the only well-being this relative was concerned about was his own, not yours. I could be wrong, but not that far off the mark.
I felt uncomfortable reading the last few comments posted there. It feels like a competition of my abuse was worse than yours therefore what do you know. Why can't they just support each other.
Because there are a couple of PD's toying with others in the thread yet not crossing the line enough to be reportable. JMHO
As to why they can't support each other? They choose not to. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:19:24 AM |
I was reading the forum about forgiveness following abuse and it seem that there is a lot of ill feeling amongst people on that thread. As you stated everyone heels there own pace. I felt uncomfortable reading the last few comments posted there. It feels like a competition of my abuse was worse than yours therefore what do you know. Why can't they just support each other.
you are verry right saying that.
you cant speed up the healing process .
and im shure ALL the posters are wellmeaning, and want to do nothing else but support each other.
giving away their secret, of what has helped then trough the dark times....
i think what causes all the friction is, that we are all at diffrent stages of the healing process.
someone said to me today,"life dosnt happen to you, you happen to life....."
i said wow, great quote, did you come up with that?
she said yes.
after thinking on it for a wile longer, i said, you know, thats verry negative....
it should be the other way round.
my friend said, yes, but i suppose it is how you are feeling at the time....
i said shouldnt you be positive all the time....
my friend said, but you cant be.......
every end has a beginning, and every beginning has an end to it.... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:03:14 AM | How about some tough love here.... I was abused about the same way(rather not go into details).. after the abuse When I got home to my Moms.. with a small son from the marriage... I had to decide.. would I be a victim or would I heal and be strong for my son and myself....
My suggestion is you try what I did.. I joined martial arts... you need to join something like that.. you need to get a hobby or something that will change your environment.. for me martial arts.. helped me get over the shakes and rocking back and forth when ever people raised their voices.( YEAH ... He hurt me REALLY BAD for two and a half years!) It gave me the knowledge that no one else was going to repeatedly hurt me or have the chance even once anymore.. and when my son got old enough.. I taught him.
You my dear need to take some responsibility for your actions.. you have classic signs... you need to break the cycle of violence... YOU KNOW THIS... I am going to ask a dumb question.. why are you on a dating site.. if your are needing time to discover who you are again.. you cant do that if you run into another relationship.. honestly.. you need ME time.
I only ask the tough questions because honestly you need to ask them yourself, and I am just trying to help here.
DO YOU HONESTLY THINK HE WILL CHANGE AFTER ALL THIS?... you know the answer in your head.. not your heart... NO he wont.. he likes the POWER over you.
IS THE REASON YOUR HOLDING ON BECAUSE YOUR AFRAID TO BE ALONE... Probably.. he told you your dumb, ugly, stupid and no one will love you... TYPICAL abuser technique!!! Crushing yourself esteem helped him stay in control.
I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST... BUT THIS A JOURNEY YOU NEED TO MAKE ALONE HUN.. NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.. YOU JUST HAVE TO DECIDE TO STOP ALLOWING HIM TO HURT YOU.. EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY AND I WOULD GUESS SEXUALLY.
MUCH LOVE AND GOD BLESS! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:11:57 AM |
Thanks joolsy.. I so appreciate you. I was reading the forum about forgiveness following abuse and it seem that there is a lot of ill feeling amongst people on that thread. As you stated everyone heels there own pace. I felt uncomfortable reading the last few comments posted there. It feels like a competition of my abuse was worse than yours therefore what do you know. Why can't they just support each other.
Hi Ilynass... I hope you are doing well today... I feel the need to comment on your "take" of the forgiveness thread. It's unfortunate but commonly known that people with personality disorders LOVE nothing better than to check out any forum having to do with abuse and see how many problems they can cause. Once again, it gets down to whether we, as loving, compassionate people are drawn to THEM or whether, THEM are drawn to us. It's a darn good example of the fact that they are drawn to us in my view and yet, one more reason why it's so important not to get into the cwap about how it's all our fault because we attract them.
I think that many courageous people have told their stories in the forgiveness thread and I don't see any kind of competition or "mine was worse than yours" between the posters. The thread calls for people to share how they found their way back into feeling well so they wouldn't be doing that if they didn't share their stories.
Don't let the PD's keep you from reading some of the amazing stories there... And don't let anyone convince you it's YOUR fault for attracting the bad guys... Since we can't control THEM, it all comes down to our taking the high road when they come along...
Stay strong Ilynass... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:43:09 PM |
My suggestion is you try what I did.. I joined martial arts...
llynass - that IS an excellent suggestion actually. Even a yoga class, or something along those lines.
t's unfortunate but commonly known that people with personality disorders LOVE nothing better than to check out any forum having to do with abuse and see how many problems they can cause. Once again, it gets down to whether we, as loving, compassionate people are drawn to THEM or whether, THEM are drawn to us.
SF is right yet don't let that be a barrier to learning and growing personally.
We're ALL rooting for you, llynass. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:53:08 PM | :)
I agree. If you arent a social person , you could try a number of other things that will get you back into society , without making you feel socially inept, which is usually the case after being in a controlling and abusing situation. So , do try to gradually ease yourself back into the public, Darling.. Their suggestions are WONDERFUL!!!! :0 | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:33:20 PM | Erin Pizzey was the founder of a women's shelter in Chiswick, England, the first modern battered women's shelter in the world. She found that of the first 100 women who came to her shelter, 62 were as or more violent than the partners they tried to escape from -- only to return to their partners time and again because of their addiction to pain and violence, violence that they persistently did their best to bring about. Over a period of ten years, Erin Pizzey became involved with about 5,000 women and their children who came through her shelter. She has written a number of books on domestic violence, one of which, Prone to Violence, addresses the issue of women's abuse and violence.
...which leaves 38 that were NOT more violent than their partners.
All you ladies are doing a great job and thanks for this educational yet emotional thread. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 6:53:05 PM | I don't know if I am missing something! but I don't have a personality disorder and I am very sociable. I work in a hospital and I don't hate men. I fell in love or thought I fell in love with someone who completely took over my life, abused me in all manner of ways and I was unable to break free of him. With the help of these forums and some very supportive individuals I felt able to slowly let him go.
Today I viewed my video evidence and I was watching a freshly abused pathetic looking woman in an arm chair, head down twitching her hands, bags under her eyes , telling her story. Having had 5 months to think clearly I remembered many things that I had forgotten at the time. Also I was told that the defense would twist that story around and around. And I could see how too. If I was on a jury I know that it would be a difficult decision to make as the person conducting the interview kept talking about who put on what item of clothing first and who went downstairs first. To me what the hell does it matter but apparently being consistent does. But this person that I was watching was clearly distressed but confused about certain facts or couldn't remember certain things. I did not recognise this person as myself. Explain this one ...if anyone can.
Also my ''wellmeaning relative'' had left a further message for me while Iwas out stating that his friend is a lawyer and that a video statement used as evidence and also being shielded in court was more likely to bring about an aquittal. Can any one please explain this to me as well as I have onlt a few days left.
Now I know that my head has been messed with big time and learning to trust someone implicitly again may or may not happen but where does the personality disorder come in and is this statement a personal attack on me. Please advise. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:06:04 PM |
where does the personality disorder come in and is this statement a personal attack on me. NO! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:06:45 PM | | hi xinxspired i have stayed in a womens aid refuge ,my 2 daughters were then 3 and 7..we had to run for our lives to escape the monster who hurt us ....we was in a different town no family or friends ...that nite my poor girls wet there bed they were terrified ....i so wish xinxspired that i was one of the women you spoke of who was violent to there partner ....even now my girls have grown and im telling the story i can still see the look in there eyes i could kill for that does that make me bad person too ...he came and found us you no had to spend another 10 yrs with him ....its was when he tried to hurt my girls again that i got the courage to leave once more ....but hey you no what im so proud of my girls we have a lovely life now ....we doint hurt no more ....and you no what if i ever see that look in my girls eyes again i would kill 4 that ...my girls and i survived the worst we have a lovely future now ...big hugs joolsy | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:27:20 PM | .llynass...please doint listen to that well meaning relative of yours ...you are just so worn down with it all ....ok we got a plan 2 moro you have some you time ,do something for you ...buy yourself something nice ,get some resue remedy from boots its natual i found it helped me ....you are a very special lady ok and if i c that well meaning relative ill poke him in the eye ...how dare he worry you like this ...be strong you can do this llynass ...biggest hugs oh and ps doint forget its your day today tomoro pamper ya self do all the things that make you feel good  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:32:37 PM | Only hurt people hurt people.
The cycle cannot continue .
Silence is the fuel of abuse.
Way to go joolsy!
You should be on a pedestel for doing what you had to do for your kids and yourself!
The cycle has been broken!
Make your girls aware - don't let silence control them.
Encourage them to speak | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:40:01 PM | Joeran - a small part of what got some of us in the situations we got out of was being placed on a pedestal at the onset. How about we offer up  and instead for her courage to heal? Too easy to fall off a pedestal, ya know? | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:49:10 PM | | hey guys im just joolsy ok ....just seeing the smile on my daughters faces and the sparkle in my grandaughters eyes be enough for me thanks he he he ....oh and and justice for llynass and alovely smile on her face fings be perfect then ...hugs joolsy | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:37:01 PM | ILLANAS
Hello '''you and I have a lot in common ''Abuse "'A Bully .
most likely you went back on
good faith so you thought
he would change ''Right ? also there is a good chance the >fear of being alone or starting over and lack of monies possibly could fall in there too somewhere .... But ya know what ?? does not matter ''know man or woman for that matter has the right to overpower any one in violence for there own selfish gain . NOT
physically mentally 'or 'emotionally . Especially a Male towards females ''a Raging Man "or 'Bully ""Hurting
a woman Physically and intentionally is cruel ''evil '' unacceptable & unforgiveable ....
It is wrong '' Its against the Law .......
The Bully had know right "to hurt you lay his paws on you '''no matter what you said or what you did as far as being foolish and going back to him . The Front door opens both ways '' He has the choice to walk away Right ?? So do you Sister ! Dont ever orget it .
The stats on women leaving and returning to there abuser is a max of 9 times . Go Figure
Some women dont get out alive ......... You did ! Thank GOD
............. The courts are very aware of how women handle this nitemare ..They dont ! The Courts Officials know women have big hearts and is hopeful to keep there family ''home ''and life in tact < without the attacks or trauma continuing .. All they are wanting is to be Loved and accepted ......They want a Happy Home and Life . Or is afraid she cannot make it on her own finacially ''WRONG '''She Probably will do much better ..
Also many times its because she is fearful of him and is in denial ... Or she is so Abused Mentally & Emotionally she cannot see or phantom a way out .
As a victim of domestic violence '' ''Is it possible when people''women ''' find themselves in a abusive relationship >is it because ?? they have been hurt to the point of know return '?
Rejection ''dissappointment ''Abuse by someone they Loved ' trusted '''depression ''Heartache '
{{{' Meaning they gave up on themself }}} .
see self as worthless .}}}
Take the first ave out ..meaning some Guy comes along 'who gives you or her the your so great spill ''shows some attention or he wants to be there even if
the woman or women are hurting and is VOLNERABLE ... Think about it !
<and then woman or women end up with a nitemare from helllll ........and cannot figure out why or how she got there ? Or how ya picked ummm ??
Honey they saw ya
coming a mile away ..... Lo esteem '' sad ''Hurt '' feeling rejected '' needy '' Maybe ?drinking or
becoming inibriated ... Lost ........ Alone ''' VOLNERABLE
Preying ''''only to hurt you more "'And repeat the same story you may have told him about the past or last Relationship ............ of his or yours ....
My last visit to the court house ....... It was my time to pay once more "Cause 'I walked away
from all of it '' He even stole my Belongings '' I thought '' this is just what he wants and I am sick of it and him ........I did not want to fight the Bullies fight anymore ......
I left before the the court appearance began ... And have not
been back or saw him since ......
It has been or was at the time very tough ''Cause I really wanted him to pay for what he did and the money I spent because of his crap and all the problems he caused and the Fear ''Insecurity ''humiliation '& condemnation he forced upon me ....
But now I am free from him '' the pain and hate for him ...
I know a
Super
Natural Power greater than me will take care of Justice for me and him ....
Part of my Journey was to Reflect on my Life ' see where or why this Abuse was repeated 'in Relationships ''
{Putting myself thru this and allowing myself to be a
doormat or punching bag }
I wanted something different and I wanted Change ''
I want the Life I always wanted and never got ''I kept getting the same ole thing "'
So now the time had came .Painstakingly .It was time for me to change and reach for the Life I wanted and to follow my Beliefs ''my morals ''My Dreams ..
Cause know one was going to do it for me ........ Its Amazing that
falling in a deep dark pit and feeling so alone and Surrendering ''Can Bring into a persons Life ''Guess Ones Gotta want OUT bad enough ........ could not do alone
Hotlined
Jesus '''' A Lot
& Deliverance Came ''Jesus Loved Me Just as I was ........
Jesus was The missing Ingredient in My Life all along ..........
Illanis
Starting Over ''Healing & Happiness for me was 'has been ''and still a
ongoing Journey '
I look forward too !!!!!!!!!
I hung in there its been 3 years now
and Life is Good '' not always a bed of Roses ''but a good and Peaceful ''Life !
I am Stronger and Happier than I was 3 years ago .....
You dont worry Illanis
There is a God ''
you have done nothing wrong !
You have just been caring about
the wrong GUY ! Nobody LIKES A BULLY ! He is not the first <
THE JUDGE SEES him Coming a MILE away !
Its going to be OKAY ! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:16:23 AM | Thanks for the good advice given from two of you ladies. I will always worry about my mum and will be there for her.. but i do have to get on with my life., though it will be difficult.
To the lady who began this topic..., please don't think bad of your kids.. they too have seen a lot of stuff which will have affected them. Give them some space as well., maybe they need someone to talk things through with.
I identified so much reading through this entire thread from all of you.. thankyou..
llynass..., be strong.., don't back down this time . You are getting there.. and whatever happens in court.. it's all on record.. The probability of him getting away with this awful crime again will be greatly reduced. Remember that.
Your distant friend. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:43:01 AM | I will always worry about my mum and will be there for her.. but i do have to get on with my life., though it will be difficult.
Yes, you will worry about her and that's okay. Do more than get on with your life, SHAPE your life the way you want to it be and live it, rather than endure it. It will be difficult as you will be drawn to the familiarity you were raised in yet you can overcome that. I have often said the the most precious aspects of life worth holding onto never come to us easily.
P.S. You just might be the lighthouse that leads your mum to the shore in the midst of the storm. Never know.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:46:38 AM | I don't think that ANYONE thinks you have a personality disorder, Sweetie.
...and what i said was that years of abuse sometimes takes the social butterfly out of a persons personality.... I had won Miss Congeniality and Miss Personality two years going in HS, I was a person you couldnt stop! I sang all the time, went to bed singing and woke up singing. Two of my daughters inherited this and i hope to GOD they keep it!!
My family and others saw my bubbly shrinking up and diminishining into a little meek puppy that obeyed and followed my husband. They KNEW something was wrong!! and they couldnt fix it, because i denied it vehemently. WHY?? i dont know!!!
It has been over 15 years since i have been out of that situation, and even though i am a bubbly once again, i will NEVER EVER be that innocent bubbly personality i once was. It just does something to a persons soul, but it DONT HAVE to conquer you! YOU CAN climb on top of it and conquer IT!, but it is something you will work on the rest of your life, flashbacks or nightmares occasionally might come back...but perserverence and faith and hope and love can get you on top and KEEP YOU THERE!
So.....you see, IN NO way is that putting you down, if you thought i was..Quite the opposite. I dont think ANYONE thinks you have a personality disorder,those who have been abused just know, like I what long term effects abuse can have. Thank you for your sweet note! It inspires me to continue to reach out to those who are hurting, like i hurt at one time. The hurt an abuser can bring upon you can last forever if you let it, but you have to CLIMB out and keep fighting ! With the support and help of others and you continuing to reach out, like you are, YOU WILL MAKE IT!! YOU are doing fantastic!!!! Great work, keep on climbing, hun! | |
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