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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:58:51 AM | I become irritated with people who believe the world is devided into smart and stupid; that intelligence is simply the way to go as put aside from ones affective condition, ability...the extensive history that goes into each person.
If the relative was "well-meaning", he wouldn't be so d*mn judgmental. Age has nothing to do with squat and certainly does not drive our emotions. It's real easy to sit on the sidelines with shoulda couldas on someone else's life and, where was all this well-meaning relative's SUPPORT (even if only emotional) while you were in hell?
I'm certain my irritation comes from my own experience. As I think back into time I recall a fair amount of discounting of my feelings. ...I'm 12 and happy when a phone call comes from my Mom. In a pitiful way she is begging me, in semi-veiled fashion, to come back home to live with her. Now, depressed, having arrived back with her, I find myself having been lead where I hated. Adults will be extortionists with kids, and can yield a great deal of power robbing a child of their own valuable self sustaining energy. A tender hearted personality is more vulnerable. Experiences such as these, if perpetrated extensively over a childs growing up, will have some growing to recover from.
If one guy reads an automotive repair manual, he says, "I can fix this!" He may too. The repair manual states the tools needed to complete the job: one of these, a couple of those, and a set of these. No problem!
Another guy, who's already done the same repair, may describe things this way: "I had oil covering my left pant leg as the transmission rear dipped slightly releasing it's contents and I was unable to raise it back into place from it's weight and this stupid hose that flopped into the way. My left hand is bandaged from a bolt snapping unexpectedly as it had become rusted and difficult causing me to bang my knuckles into a bracket. Man, I needed help when it came time to return the transmission! That damn thing is heavy! When you have to do it on your back.... Well, it's done now, but I gotta tell you...it should read along with tools needed, bandages!
So, I'm grateful for my experiences, because the mechanic with grease under his nails is the guy you want working on your car.
In addition, angelheart3 you earn a place alongside my many other hero's.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:47:56 AM | In reply to wannaCstars ..
I think I was just being defensive.. please accept my apologies.
To be honest with you.. I feel like crap today. I've had a quick drive around and a walk but the world dosn't seem real and nobody seems to notice me.
I don't want to go to court but no that I have to.. Why can't he just plead guilty .. he knows that he is and it would spare me any further pain.
People keep saying .. don't let him destroy you., he's not worth it but I think it's too late. I just don't have any feelings, or incentive left in me.
Please tell me this is going to pass. I can't cope with this feeling anymore. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:59:53 AM | | One more big thing...Am really scared that I will be back to square one when I set eyes on him again. It's going to be a gut wrencher for me. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:08:09 AM | | you feel numb yes ...its ok to feel like that llynass...every feeling you are feeling is normal hunny ...what will come is anger ...have you felt that yet ?...you asked a question why cant he plead guilty he knows he is and it would spare me any further pain ....hope you doint mind me saying hunny but thats why he wont plead guilty he wants to cause you pain ....use that anger you feel to fight him hunny ...its him who is the evil nasty monster ...you are a special lady and you are going to beat him you are going to win hunny ....im holding ya hand ok ....the biggest hugs joolsy | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:43:58 AM |
I just don't have any feelings, or incentive left in me.
Ilynass... That is the way I felt and is one of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder.
While you were dealing with active violence, it was a matter of survival to "shut down your feelings". Now, you do it automatically when something feels "too big" for you. It's natural for your mind and emotions to do that now.
In much of what you write, I see symptoms of PTSD that were what sent me running for therapy. No one wants to live that way. The bright spot in the darkness is that there IS help and there are new methods such as EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) which really do work. If the process can help Vietnam veterans, it can help you.
From personal experience, I can tell you it DOES help. You come to understand that all these things that you're feeling are the mind's very natural reaction to having experienced trauma. You can never go back and undo what's happened to you but you CAN stop it from continuing to happen with the right therapy.
Keep the faith... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:01:02 AM | Thanks for that information Silken Fire.
With all these feelings that I don't like I've started to look at the reality of an afterlife as I have relatives who I would much rather be with. Are these feelings also part of PTSD.
Am confused ! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:14:10 AM | llynass - PTSD is a huge thing. Sometimes the smallest of events can bring you back mentally and emotionally right back where you were - only you aren't really there. Aspects of that can be helped with medication and there is nothing wrong with that. Aspects are helped with therapy. I am very concerned that on more that one occasion you have posted thoughts about the "afterlife" although stated it differently each time.
Would you please contact your doctor? Please? Let your doctor determine whether or not medication would be warranted to help you get through this huge event on the 14th. Please?
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:34:41 AM | I grew up in a domestic violence household. I phoned the police so many times i've lost count and i've visited my mother in hospital so many times i've lost count. Iv'e also lost count of the amount of times that she said that she wasn't having him back.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is why "I am staying for the kids " is the biggest BS any woman could say or do.The Kids will be messed up in the end.There is always a way to get out of a situation like this.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:37:37 AM | you are so sad, llynlass, and my heart really goes out to you. can feel your pain.
i agree with what silken fire said...
i have felt so numb in the past...i just wanted it all to stop, and i just completeley switched off.
but if you feel like that, you have to be verry carefull, so it dosent turn into depression.
it is ok to give your mind a rest, but dont let it turn into a permanent state.
you aknowlege your feelings, and that is good.
as long as you still know how you feel, you can do something about it.
i really am are a great fan of letting your feelings out.
get yourself a punchbag, beat up your pillows, cry, scream....
do whatever else you think will help you.
and there is an afterlife, and rather than sinking into the sad thought, of how much you miss the pplz, that have gone, and how much you would like to be with them at this time,
think to yourself, they are all watching you, and think how proud they are of you
seeing you coping so well, and helping yourself.
i promise you, there will come a point, when you say, right, enough is enough,
im not gonna let this get to me anymore, and you find the inner strengh
to give thats rotten **stard the 2 fingers.
but onley you can find the way there.
as for facing him in court, just think how pleased hed be if you sit there, still looking that scared, confused woman, he has created, and is so used to.
me at the point where im now, would go in there, in my best dress, make up,
and the onley thing if give him is a smile..hehehe knowing im the one that got away...
and he is the one, staying where he is for a long long time.
and give the jury some credit...they are not stupid. if you had no chance, it wouldnt have even come to trail. happyness is waiting for you! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:37:55 AM |
With all these feelings that I don't like I've started to look at the reality of an afterlife as I have relatives who I would much rather be with. Are these feelings also part of PTSD.
First Ilynass, I agree with Angelheart... I think you need to feel the warnings that those "thoughts of the afterlife" are giving you. It means simply that what is going on for you is serious Hon... But that's all it means...
Ilynass, many of us who feel overwhelmed and trapped start thinking about the afterlife. I want to tell you about such a thing for me... I was 5 years into trying to deal with a narcissistic sociopath on my own and though, I hadn't much to lose when I first met him, the very last things that meant anything to me slowly disappeared. My career and the independence it gave me was everything to me. I had "vanished" to a small city but he located me and showed up. He attacked me, I charged him, we went to trial and the newspaper splashed all the gory details of the trial across the second page of the local paper, using my name. I was, for the first time, teaching my craft and loving it but I was on contract. When the college found out that I had a nutbar, I was called in and told they had to limit their students' exposure to such a threatening situation and my contract, went down the tubes. He was in jail, I was living in a motel and my job meant everything to me. It was the only way I had to "get up".
The world looked very dark to me that day as I walked into the tiny hotel room. As soon as I closed the door, I collapsed onto the carpet in a heap... sobbing my guts out... I felt like I would NEVER be rid of him... NEVER be able to change what he was doing... And it was awful... I spent the day in silence... simply pensive and dulled out from my crying jag... thinking about what seemed to be the only alternative... I thought about my life and all that I hadn't yet had the chance to do... I thought about my kids and my grandkids... I thought about my purpose in life... And I decided, I wasn't letting the ba$tard win...
THAT Ilyness.. that very dark day, was actually the beginning of my healing... It was my bottom and it was the moment when I finally re-connected with my anger enough to open that hotel room door and go wander in the park down by the river...
We arrive at our bottom in all of this... and we make choices... A few days ago, my grandson rolled his bike end over end and hurt himself. He wanted... no... needed.. to talk to his grandma and I was there... maybe just on the other end of the phone.. but able to tell him how sorry I was for his owies and how much I loved him. He was worried I'd be upset with him for riding his bike carelessly... lol. But I was here for him and now I can be there for all the other lives I may touch.. in a way that I could never be before...
That low moment is about wanting relief from the fear and the pain... There is no "relief" in the afterlife but there is here and it's our job to find it... Use these moments as your bottom and know that the only way to go is "up" and at least, now, you can travel in peace.
Stay strong my friend... and see your doctor. Meds can help to get you through this, especially if you're not sleeping at night. Things get really twisted when we're overtired. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:02:11 AM | # 12, I must agree with you. I dont know why a woman or man would forgive, forgive and keep falling for the same BS, just to be beaten, abused, ripped off, then have mixed feelings. I bet it is that the person they fell in love with.."the perfect" one... still in their mind has a chance to come back, they dont understand that it was an act, a manipulation, a way to get what they want... the abuser never loved them, and they only loved a figmint of their imagination.
I was married, the big church, 200 guests, the whole nine yards on the honey moon, he got hammered and started a argument I suggested he go to sleep and sleep it off and he tried to hit me, I moved out of the way and he fell hurting himself. He got madder and screamed and lunged at me again and I held up my hand in a "stop" motion... picked up my purse and went to the front desk. I asked them to go and get my suit case or go with me, which they did and I left, never to talk to him again. I wont put up with it, there is no excuse. I just dont understand how someone that says they love you would try to hurt you.
The guy she is talking about belongs in prison, no calls, no money, no letters, and I also agree with #13 get off of here, you dont need to be on a dating site, you got some major healing to do. If you dont heal yourself, you will just end up in the same situation with a different man.
Please take all the time you need to heal, stay away from that jerk, he is toxic to you, he is just using you and you must face that fact, the sooner that you do, the better off you will be and the faster you will heal. I really hope you will join a group of support, get tons of good advice and this time... do what the professionals suggest... for your own good.
JMO | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:38:15 AM | In reply to betterlate..
I have said several times now that I am not on this site for dating... am here purely for the support that the forums have given me. And I do thank you for all of that. But I still feel the way that I feel! love to you Joolsy as well.
I do not want my ex back.. I know that he is not the person that I loved! I have accepted this. There are things which I cannot discuss even ..,which came to light after he was arrested this time. Things I did not know about until recently and they are things which are under separate investigation. Things which make me so ashamed to have been anywhere near him and I can't share them .
I am in therapy.. I do belong to a support group..
But I'm still in pain. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:12:53 PM | llynass...
Things which make me so ashamed to have been anywhere near him and I can't share them .
There are things about my ex that I will carry with me to my grave, they are so horrible.
Please know that it is not your shame to bear. It is his shame, not yours.
But I'm still in pain.
Yes, you are in pain. Remember childbirth, when labor begins? Hurts, doesn't it? And if you happened to experience the full labor and delivery absent anything to numb the pain of labor, then you know it gets a whole lot worse before that little precious baby says hello to the world for the first time. Yet somehow looking back, we don't remember the pain nearly as much as we remember the moment we heard that first cries.
Sort of what you are in right now as far as the pain. You've been carrying this huge burden of his "stuff" for a term longer than an elephant's pregnancy. Now you are feeling the labor pains. The main difference is that when it's time to push, you are delivering his "stuff" back to him. Not the best comparison but it works in a pinch.
Stay brave, llynass. Remember that many who browse the threads don't read the full thread before posting, okay? Especially the longer threads and a lot has changed since the first page of this thread. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:27:15 PM | | llynass ....im writing this with me eyes leaking ....please doint ever feel you are alone ....you my friend have lots and lots of living to do ....ill tell you a little story i went to court for my divource when i came out he bashed me over the head ....he walked free because my daughter scratched his face ....the bash on the head later caused me to have the stroke ......i had to go to court again llynass i had such strength i doint no where i got it ...i even stood up and spoke formyself ....no more was he going to hurt me or my children no more ....i no i waffle on hunny ...but what im trying to say deep down you will do it to i no you feel so so worn down brainwashed ,battered and so bloody scared of him ....i promise you you are going to WIN .......theres a wonderful life just round the corner and its in this life time angel .....i promise you .....hugs joolsy...... ps i also agree go and see your gp have a chat with him or her they was a great help 2 me | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:57:23 PM |
Yes, you are in pain. Remember childbirth, when labor begins? Hurts, doesn't it? And if you happened to experience the full labor and delivery absent anything to numb the pain of labor, then you know it gets a whole lot worse before that little precious baby says hello to the world for the first time. Yet somehow looking back, we don't remember the pain nearly as much as we remember the moment we heard that first cries.
that is a beautyfull way of putting it...
i love that.
jools i said it b4, and i say it again.
you are a great lady!  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:12:54 PM | I want to say thanks to all of you who have kept me sane today and to those of you who message me privately. You are all instrumental in the process of helping to heal my broken and grieving heart.
My youngest daughter Danielle is coming to court with me and even though she is almost 20 years old and about to become a mother in September .. I am embarassed about the graphic descriptions of things which will be spoken there.
Thankyou once again.. I would not have gotten through these last few months without your support , knowledge and understanding.
llynass. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:18:08 PM |
My youngest daughter Danielle is coming to court with me and even though she is almost 20 years old and about to become a mother in September .. I am embarassed about the graphic descriptions of things which will be spoken there.
Please don't feel embarrassed. Far better that your daughter hear those things than experience them. She's a lot stronger than you might think. Already the fact that she has made the decision to go to court with you speaks highly of her courage. She must have gotten that from her mum. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:36:03 PM | llynass...
it does sound like you are depressed. i'm glad you are seeing a threapist.
it is awesome your daughter is going to go to court to support you. :) i hear you feel embarrassed about the terrible things she will hear, but that is the victim in you...
remember...she is going to be a mom, too now. she may be alot stronger than you know, and she obviouslyWANTS to be there for you. what a blessing!
who knows...this experience she goes through in court with you may shape something she or her unborn child does to help others someday...you never know.
hang in there...and god be with you!
coco | |
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gvnage
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Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 320 | |
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:59:22 PM | | Wow, you have my admiration so much for opening yourself up to share like that on this forum, and I hope you get lots of supportive messages. That's a really good thing that you are not judging yourself for having feelings of love and thoughts about him/ missing him and that you are allowing yourself to grieve. I think it's when we dont give ourselves permission to feel our feelings fully that we repeat mistakes in life. I can see you are really taking ownership too of your participation despite the evidence and warning signs. Sometimes we humans have a hard time forgiving ourselves for our choices, especially when we forgive somebody and they do a replay, and then we feel foolish. Well, ok, we're all learning. And its not like there is a 'destination' really. We're all on a journey learning as we go. Different folks learn different things at different times . I have never been battered as you have, but I did work in a shelter, so I am familiar with the predictable patterns, and I think by this point you have thought through and felt quite a bit of the whys and hows and what ifs and if only he or if only I.... The limitation of most shelters and crisis centers though is that their main goal is to keep a woman separated and safe from her abuser, and that is the extent to which they can help her heal. You may already know this, but the majority of abused adult women also endured some kind of abuse as kids. So true healing needs to involve reparenting /healing yourself from that abuse too and facing it bc that was the force majeur that broke open your protective shell, healthy boundaries and ability 'to notice' as well as care when something goes awry on the smaller scale before it got to that point of words and blows. Healing is possible-you have already come this far. Sometimes it's just hard to see that we will make it over the top of whatever the mountain is and have a downhill path. Take good care of that little girl inside of yourself. Protect her like you would protect one of your own children. She needs you too | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:47:43 AM | Have been trying to prepare myself mentally for next week .. have read through the thread and drawn strength from all the emotion posted here. Silken Flower.. message 269 has shared her court experiences with us and I remembered vividly my ex mouthing the words 'I love you' through the perspex glass as well. I BELIEVED HIM.
He used to say to me don't worry about what you hear.. as long as we stick together.. then nothing else matters!
I have to say now that I cannot yet face him or look at him without feeling an emotional wreck. It's too soon. Therefore I will choose to be screened from him but I will be there.
Best wishes. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:25:23 AM | I have to say now that I cannot yet face him or look at him without feeling an emotional wreck. It's too soon. Therefore I will choose to be screened from him but I will be there.
llynass - I thought I could never face my ex in court and he was walking around free, unlike your situation unless I missed something in the thread. While at that point I didn't have to fear him directly physically attacking me, I most assuredly could not get into my vehicle without checking it over for any signs of tampering. The one morning I forgot stands on its own merit as it nearly cost me my life. I can't tell you how many times he left his signature that he had been under the hood.
I can't tell you how many times I saw that sick SOB in court (custody - his persistent petitions month after month only for him to lose every single time) lying his proverbial backside off. Even the judge as well as psychologists were confused by my ex - took them 8 years of hell to finally identify him as a serious sociopath having crossed over into criminality long ago. CPS wasn't confused at the onset but no physical evidence - only "reason to suspect" which wasn't enough. At the end of the day, I made the right choices I could live with even though I was terrified beyond measure.
Different landscape yet it did not at all make me less afraid than you are. Not one iota. Your children are grown - mine was a little girl at the time.
I can't tell you how many times I simply wanted to quit yet I didn't, as to quit was to make all the bull he slung true when it wasn't. Never mind the fact he would have eventually succeeded in killing me for as long as I was alive, I was an obstacle to be gotten rid of - I stood between he and our child in his perverse thinking. I guess my MVA that resulted from his vehicle tampering got the message to him loud and clear that I was not quite as easily killed as he believed.
It's up to you what to do, however, if you choose not to testify out of fear alone, you will never feel safe again. Haven't you cowered in fear long enough? Is it worth your life to quit out of fear of facing him in court?
Call your doctor and talk to him/her about your anxiety about testifying. This is one time regardless of your beliefs that meds will help get you through this.
You've come too far since you started this thread to cave in now.
Come on, sis - buck up now. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Here's a "what if". What if your testimony is so crucial to his conviction that it results in a conviction if you testify? Yet, without your testimony there is "doubt" and the jury does not convict. Can you really be safe knowing he's out there? Can you ever not jump at a shadow again knowing he's out there? Can you ever walk down the street again without looking over your shoulder to see if he might be following you? Can you ever close your eyes at night and rest peacefully knowing he's out on the streets? Or not jump every time the phone rings? What about the lump in your stomach every time you check the mail that perhaps "today" is the day you get one of those letters from him?
I think not.
Some things to think about.
EDIT: P.S. Part of testifying, llynass, is about you sending a loud and clear message not only to him, but to yourself as well that you will take control back of your life. It really comes down to when is enough really enough. Only you can answer that question for yourself. Far better to be afraid for a day in a controlled situation than to remain terrified for a lifetime, however long or short that may be. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:38:34 AM |
Far better to be afraid for a day in a controlled situation than to remain terrified for a lifetime, however long or short that may be.
Amen to that AH... forever and ever, AMEN!!!
Ilynass, I can't improve on AH's suggestions so I won't try but I will say that your posts calling me "Silken Flower" remind me of the lil skunk in "Bambi" who tells Bambi, "I don't mind... You can call me "flower" if you want to..."... LOL!
I remind.. you can only go "up" from this point but you have to continue to choose "up" if you want the pain to be over. I remember being attacked after I had forgiven him... I stood in the quiet of a room in the police station thereafter and asked MYSELF, "Are you having fun yet? Do you like this?"... I think we both know the answer to my question. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:27:22 AM |
I have to say now that I cannot yet face him or look at him without feeling an emotional wreck. It's too soon. Therefore I will choose to be screened from him but I will be there.
i dont know, im sorry, but i just cant follow this way of thinking and feeling.
why will you feel an emotional wreck, seeing him there?
i just dont get it? cs you feel sorry for him, because you have done that to him?
awwwww, poor lamb, actually being punished for what he has done to you.
i dont know...but has anybody actually looked at anger in a good way?
because it gives a detachment.
shure you can be angry, with someone you love, but i interpretate anger as agknowleging, to myself, that what the "other" has done is not right.
and it seems to me that at the moment you still seem to think that you deserved "what you got".
dont abusers spend all their waking hrs, and even sleeping, just by their presence, radiating controll, trying to make us believe, that we are the ones in the wrong, we are the crazy worthless, pathetice creatures, that dont deserve to exist?
i think it is verry important to hold on to your sanity, and actually thinking to yourself, hold on a minute, you are the one with the problem here. because i agknowlege, infact i know, that what you have done is not right.
and you deserve to be punished for it.
what might help you is creating a "happy spot" in your mind.
a place you can go to if you feel really low.
it allso might do you good to actually sit down, pen and paper, and write down all you have achived so far in your life.
that should include, getting away from him.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 11:13:43 AM | you have no need ever to feel alone.
I was saddened to hear your story, I too was in a totally controlling relationship. Not sure which is the worse Mental or Physical abuse
The Physical heals the Mental stays with you and carries on haunting you as i know so well
It dictates how you behave, think and what you do....................... no amount of councelling can bring me back to the person i once was. I suppose you have to just start again and become a new person and fight the demons as there are over a long period of time. But it does get better, today i finally stopped blaming myself, even though yes he is in my head. But believe me it will turn to hate and resentment and you do not need him. You think you do to begin with because you know nothing else
I am now just over a year on and repairing and licking my wounds but i hve found a new me. It will be slow because the old me and the experiences haunt me
I have this imaginary box and in that box i put everything from the past. Occasionaly i open it and look, judge and assess but then there comes a time when the lid goes on and you move on that little bit further until the next time you take the lid off
take care
xxxxxx | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:54:55 PM |
no amount of councelling can bring me back to the person i once was.
Very true...yet would you even want to be the same person you were before? The person you were before the abuse was the person who attracted and was attracted to her abuser. Yet the person today is wiser and stronger, even though the cost was immeasurable. I would never want to be 18 again knowing now what I didn't know then. Perish the thought of repeating the experience.
The imaginary box is an excellent suggestion. It does help to put some element of control into the emotions by putting some limits on when one is going to think on things. Far better than drowning as the emotions come rushing in like the dam broke. In a way, it does break as more and more of the numbness wears off.
I hope llynass continues to follow her thread. Even if she could start with a goal of 15 minutes a day of deliberately not thinking about anything "yesterday" or anything "tomorrow", it would be a beginning.
you have no need ever to feel alone.
llynass - you actually aren't alone at all. You've got a lot of friends just within this thread rooting for you. While we can only hug you with words, still a hug.
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