| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:54:55 PM |
no amount of councelling can bring me back to the person i once was.
Very true...yet would you even want to be the same person you were before? The person you were before the abuse was the person who attracted and was attracted to her abuser. Yet the person today is wiser and stronger, even though the cost was immeasurable. I would never want to be 18 again knowing now what I didn't know then. Perish the thought of repeating the experience.
The imaginary box is an excellent suggestion. It does help to put some element of control into the emotions by putting some limits on when one is going to think on things. Far better than drowning as the emotions come rushing in like the dam broke. In a way, it does break as more and more of the numbness wears off.
I hope llynass continues to follow her thread. Even if she could start with a goal of 15 minutes a day of deliberately not thinking about anything "yesterday" or anything "tomorrow", it would be a beginning.
you have no need ever to feel alone.
llynass - you actually aren't alone at all. You've got a lot of friends just within this thread rooting for you. While we can only hug you with words, still a hug.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:55:29 PM | | llynass you can do this ..theres no cant ....please please doint let him hurt you no more ...he deserves to be in prision he deserves every thing he gets the nasty evil thing .....please doint give up now in few days you will be free of him ....you have a brill future a head of you and a grandchild on the way ....be strong be a blinking warrior and give him what for ....get him out of ya life ....hugs ill be holding ya hand ok so no more silly doubts ....joolsy | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:07:15 PM | llynass - I don't know how prisons are in the UK, but it appears that the maximum security prisons (at least) in the US reportedly have a high risk of what I call "squeal like a pig" syndrome (from a movie that came out several years ago called "Deliverance").
Even the idea of your ex in that position of even for select moments singing soprano absent the falsetto would be motivation even for me to get on that stand if I were in your position. Given the severity of his abuse towards you, I think it's a safe bet that in prison he'll get his due since men like that don't have the brass to be so controlling with other men.
Just thought I'd throw that "picture" in for good measure. It's not even revenge really as he did the crimes, so he righteously should reap what he sowed. Would it not be poetic justice in the "end"? pun intended.
EDIT: P.S. On the 14th, you have one shot to do what you know to be the right thing to do. Once that moment passes, whether you testify or not, you can never go back and get that moment back again. Ever. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:42:33 PM | To all my supporters and friends out there.. Iwould like to say one thing :
I AM TESTIFYING.......... BUT !! I have elected to be screened from HIM.
I will keep all of you informed but you may not hear from me for a few days.
Sometimes I would like him to be in a position where he was being intimidated and controlled just so he could see what he was doing to others but it probably wouldn't even register. I do believe in Karma and one day he'll get what he deserves. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:05:22 PM |
I AM TESTIFYING.......... BUT !! I have elected to be screened from HIM.
Of COURSE you ARE! Even better that they will screen you from him, as it should be.
Sometimes I would like him to be in a position where he was being intimidated and controlled just so he could see what he was doing to others but it probably wouldn't even register. I do believe in Karma and one day he'll get what he deserves.
Oh, llynass - he is in that position right now. Why do you think the games have been going on with his family against you? He can't stand it that you have the guts to testify against him.
As for his ability to see what he is doing to others? Oh he is fully aware of what he is doing and has done to others. He has been for quite some time. He simply doesn't care nor does he have an interest in caring.
As for him getting what he deserves? Here's the irony. By virtue of your testimony, you're shoving him closer to getting a taste of his own medicine.
Next time you get scared - remember this: "No guts. No glory."
Don't focus on anything but the truth on the 14th. That's all you're there for - to tell the truth.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:57:16 PM | Well, you are definately not alone...I too was in a relationship where he was physically abusive...when I was 7 months pregnant, he pushed me down, threw rubbing alcohol in my face, raped me and was also mentally, emotionally and spiritually abusive
..it was when my son was born that I decided to tell him to F off because I didn't want to raise my child in an abusive household. I have not had any contact with him since then...that was 7 years ago...I had a lot of family support and counselling after...I'm glad I had them... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/9/2008 8:23:08 PM | | yes u will an u have to start by working on your self esteem an knowing that all men are not like him he is not a man but a coward who liked to control u an abuse u an keep u down. I know this from being married to a man likes this for over 14 yrs he was my high school sweetheart an was nothing like that before I married him on my wedding night he informed me that the piece of paper(wedding license) meant that he owned me an I was to do what he said when he said. I was not aloud to have anything to do with my family or have any friends unless he approved them which in the end meant he slept with them. I was kept without a phone or car most of the time. When I ended up pregnant I was ruining his life I was so stressed an beat on so much I almost died an stupid me thought I married him for the good an the bad. When I got pregnant with my second child it was the same I was ruining his life even though he did nothing but spend his money on what he wanted an did his drugs an god for bid if any should come up missin(as some got flushed) I left when they told me I would lose my baby an possibly my life because my blood pressure was so high then he called my 2 yr old a little **** an that did it one thing for me to hear it all the time an be told I was fat an ugly an no one would ever want me or love me I left an got a protection order. I then had them do supervised visitation at his grandma's big mistake that gave him access to me when I dropped her off. The guilt he laid on thick how could u do this we are a family I want the kids I promise I will change an so on. Stupid me I believed him an went back to him an for about a year things went better an then it got even worse. I had went to school while we were broke up because I was not allowed while we were together. If an when I got to drive something it was where he didnt think it should be then all hell broke loose. I dont know what I was thinkin other than the fact that it is so hard to get out if u have no money an no car or anything. An I tried to get help from downtown.(welfare an no one would help) What did it which I had been gettin braver an figured if I was going to get beat it would be worth it my son told me he was 8 at the time (which I did not know he was startin on the kids I was workin 3 jobs ) tryin to pay the bills because I had told him I was goin to leave an he wanted to make sure I didnt get the house so he paid nothing. He told me mommy dont let daddy hurt me anymore an it about killed me 3 days later I got a 5 yr protection order an moved out in 4 hrs an have never looked back I am on my 2nd 5yr protection order along with my kids he has lost visitation on his own because he could not be nice to his kids for a hour a week. But let me tell u they do not change will never change an dont care to it is all about guilt an control. I am doing great I dont have to walk on egg shells or worry about gettin the crap beat out of me. I have had relationship an do not have a problem trustin because I am honest an I know the danger signs an will never be treated like that again. I have 4 brothers an they are nothing like that please stay away from him for your sake an for your childrens to have there mom around I cant not change the past but I should have left long before i did an artemis house was my life saver they helped me get a attorney an my parents were always there for me. Just be careful who u date. It sounds like u need to maybe take a self esteem class that is what i did an love yourself enough to not give someone that control over u an that u deserve to be treated better I am sorry this is so long I just want u to know u can email me if u need to talk just hang in there an there is someone out there for u but u need to heal right now an not jump into anything take care an be safe | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:01:59 AM | | llynass....im so so proud of you hunny.you are one special lady ...be thinking of you if you need to vent or off load im here .biggest hugs joolsy ...AND YOU AND I ARE GOING TO GO OUT AND CELEBRATE VERY SOON HUNNY , | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/10/2008 11:10:53 AM | i was reading in my current read today, and i came across the following passge, that made me think of this post, that llynass made a few days back.
With all these feelings that I don't like I've started to look at the reality of an afterlife as I have relatives who I would much rather be with. Are these feelings also part of PTSD.
Am confused
the person in the book, is not a domestic violence victem, but a drug user, but it could easly applie to us.
*"i came to ask you something", he told me as we drank our coffee.
"i want to know what happens to people who kill themselfs" where do they go?
what happens to their spirits?"
"if you cop out, and take your own life", i told him, its like getting expelled from school.
when you get home to your mom and dad, thell send you to another one.
mother love ~ at that moment i knew what it meant to care deepley for a stranger.
i feelt mother love, and the words came out.
i told him, when i was a teenageri didnt believe in god, or anything spiritual.
i detailed how i meet eric, and that life is a school.
you are having the hardest lesson earlie in life, i said .
in my experience, nobody moves on from a bleak situation untill they hit rock bottom.
then there is onley one way to go,
thats where you are now.
"but i have tried to change"he said.
tears where rolling down his face.
"ive tried to stop and i go for a little wile, then i take it again.
"six month agao, you didnt even want to stop taking it", i reminded him.
"cant you see the massive steps you have taken?"
"you are waking up, the pain means you care."
"this is the first step out of the pit."
we spend 2 hours talking. at the end of it, i felt as if i had done a 100-yard dash, with a fragile egg - and arrived at the finnishing line with it, unbroken.
i handed the egg to him, knowing it was going to be ok.
his life was going to be a roller-coster for a wile, but he was going to come through.
i rarely cuddle people, but i gave him a quick hug at the door.
"your despair is a tool you can use to moove on".i told him.
"remember the pain you feel now. in years to come, you will use it to help others."
"do you think so?"
"i know so"
he keept in touch and went on to do a sociology degree and became a social worker.....
i just thought that would be nice to share..... ,
and good luck on the 14th llynass chick! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/15/2008 2:46:32 AM | Good morning to all my new found friends and supporters. This post is an update only as in the trial has been put back until Thursday 17th.. for various reasons. Feel disappointed. Am nervous and just want to get it over with now. Thankyou for all your personal messages as well as your posts here in the forums.
Best wishes to you all.
llynass. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:46:07 PM | I KNOW WHAT U ARE TALKING ABOUT BUT ONLY U CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE SO PLEASE STIFFEN UP YOUR BACKBONE AND BE STRONG HE IS A LOSER AND U ARE A WINNER. WHEN U STATED HE HAD BEEN IN PRISON THAT IS WHEN I DECEIDE I HAD EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS TO U, HAVING WORKED IN A MALE PRISON AS A CORRECTIONAL OFFICER BELIEVE ME IF I SAY HE IS ROTTEN TO THE CORE, I HAVE HEARD THESE MEN SIT AND LAUGH ABOUT HOW THEY HAD THEIR "OLD LADIES SUCKERED". THEY DEMAND MONEY RUN UP THE PHONE BILL FOR U AND THEN LAUGH AT U FOR BEING A SUCKER. SOME OF THEM HAVE SEVERAL WOMEN WRITING AND SENDING MONEY. SO PLEASE BE AS SMART AS U SOUND STAY HE H AWAY FROM HIM BECAUSE IF U DO NOT U WILL WIND UP DEAD OR IN PRISON YOURSELF BECAUSE U WILL HAVE ALL U CAN TAKE AND KILL HIM. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY YOU ARE STRONGER THAN U THINK U ARE. A GOOD FRIEND GAVE ME THIS THOUGHT ONE DAY WHEN I WAS GOING THRU A DIVORICE " TOUGH TIMES DON"T LAST TOUGH PEOPLE DO I AM TOUGH AND I WILL SURVIVE" U WILL .THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DIVORCE AND DEATH IS THE FACT U HAVE TO SEE HIM WALKING AROUND, I KNOW THAT IS TRUE BEEN THERE DONE THAT AND WILL PROBABLY DO IT AGAIN
BECAUSE I AM IN A VERBAL ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP NOW MYSELF AND HAVE BEEN CUT OFF FROM ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, OR HE HAS TRIED
SO U ARE NOT ALONE BE SMART AND BE STRONG AND KNOW U ARE THE WINNER, THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CARE AND KNOW WHAT U HAVE BEEN THRU AND ARE GOING THRU. NO I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR U I KNOW U WILL SURVIVE THIS AND BE A STRONGER PERSON. I WILL SAY CONGRADULATIONS U HAVE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICES SO FAR, BUT REMEMBER YESTERDAY IS DEAD AND GOT TOMORROW I DONOT KNOW ABOUT JUST TAKE IT ONE HOUR AT A TIME AND U WILL MAKE IT. GOOD LUCK | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/16/2008 3:51:07 AM | | welcome jewellqueen ....And well said ...we are all survivors ...so come on lynass im so proud of you .....GO GET HIM BIG TIME GIRL ...YOU CAN DO THIS HUNNY ....YOU GOT A WONDERFUL FUTURE JUST ROUND THE CORNER ....DOINT FORGET IM HOLDING YA HAND AS IS ALL OF US ...BE A WARRIOR STAND TALL ,HEAD HIGH YOU WILL DO THIS OK . | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/16/2008 4:19:08 AM | llynass is going to do just fine tomorrow!!!
Hey, ladies, can we soften the shouting a bit? No matter how loud we shout, she can't hear written words any better! Thanks... (I mean the CAPS) | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/16/2008 7:28:17 AM | Guilty As Charged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
No behaviour change.. Shouting .. can I speak to her for just a minute. When led away mouthed write to me.
Having a large drink now. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/16/2008 7:55:54 AM | For a quarter century, I worked as a probation officer with misdemeanor courts first in New Orleans and then in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Most of the offenders I assessed or supervised were convicted of alcohol or drug-related offenses. However, there is an enormous crossover with domestic violence offenders and victims. In my experience, domestic abusers do not change, though some therapists claim that they do change.
I do think that vicitms can and do change how they live and do develop a capacity for heathier relationships. Domestic violence takes many forms, but the need to control another human being seems constant on the part of abusers. Self-help grous seem important players in recovery.
Thank you for your brave post. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/16/2008 8:26:06 AM | | For two or three years, I supervised some offfenders convicted of domestic violence related offenses. I did not enjoy working with them. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/16/2008 11:58:10 AM | wooooo hoooooo .brilliant news lesley ....GUILTY AS CHARGED ...justice for leslie im soooooo happy for you hunny ...life begins now ....smile hunny you got a wonderful life a head of you ...im sooooo proud of you ....you are one strong lady ... cheers raise your glasses to lesley ....biggest hugs joolsy | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:03:52 AM | thats brilliant news llynass
im so pleased for you. you have been really brave, you should be so proud of yourself | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:29:32 AM | my situation was similar yet different...i was married to a really controlling jerk! i had a very abusive childhood so when he started wrapping his hands around my throat and hitting me i just told myself to grin and bare it...atleast i was out of my parents house! yrs went by and i endured the daily abuse--the name calling, the hitting, the controlling, etc.
after a few failed attempts i finally made a new start. i left alot out cause i didnt wanna bore the readers but eventually found my self esteem--which i never really had to begin with and iv moved on! imma disabled less educated woman but since iv learned to move on i hope it goes to show that it is possible!
a suggestion to help move on is to go back to school and learn a new skill--change ur life for the better!  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:58:56 AM | | You can start your life over. I left an abusive marriage a year and a half ago. Life can begin again but it takes a lot of work. First of all you have to take this one day at a time. The longer you are out of the situation the more objective you will be regarding this situation. This is not going to be easy because you do have feelings for this person and that's ok. It's not okay to accept this type of behavior. The most important thing you need to do is get you some help. Seek out counseling and a support group for domestic violence. You have to concentrate on getting yourself healthy. There are reasons we accept this type of behavior. It could be things that has happened in our childhood or other reasons or events that has happened in our lives. You have to get yourself well so that you can let him go. It does not get better no matter how many times he apologizes or says that he will change. He has to want to change and not just because someone wants him to. I just want to encourage and let you know that you will be ok. You can get your life back. Thousands of women including myself have went on to lead independent, successful lives. If you need someone to talk to, please contact me. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/23/2008 3:42:59 PM | This is how the abuser works...
No contact since being remanded in prison in February.. Is now awaiting sentence..
Sees me in the courtroom and does everything to get my attention.. IT ALWAYS WORKED BEFORE. Not this time., but was upset by it.
My youngest daughter today recieves a letter out of the blue..
Today was the day your mother and I were to be married.
I am surprised that she hasn't written to me in 6 months.. its a shame I can't write to her.
Part of me will always love her!!!!
Just one letter to let me know if she hates me., forgives me., wants me!!!!!!!!
Have sent you a visiting order with her name as second visitor.. just to talk.
I could be in here for three years. ( underlined).
I realise what I have done and am SORRY.
Am glad I pleaded guilty .. my burden is lifted.
Am so sad and alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a Bible.. God knows how sorry I am.
Please ask her to write just one letter to me so I know how she is feeling.
And by the way .. your baby must be due soon.. how are you keeping? etc . etc.
This man almost Killed me ..He sexually abused me and now he feels sorry for himself and is again playing on my emotions to drag me back where I was.
I have been to hell and back and almost been driven over the edge.
I emplore anyone who is in a similar situation.. read this thread. Draw strength from all the posters ..If I hadn't this very type of letter would of had me visiting him tomorrow to wipe away his tears.
Thanks to all the support on this site.. I am wiser and can see THAT HE NEVER WIPED AWAY MY TEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:29:39 PM | hi leslie .hows you hunny .just read your post what an evil man ,im so proud how you are coping with all this .reading your post bought it all back to me too .they try to get into your head doint let them ,you are free he cant hurt you no more .any letters that come from him now to you or to your daughter give them to the police ,doint read them ,or better still send return to sender ,you have lots to look forward to hunny ,you have a new grandchild coming .your free hunny let him rot ,if you need to chat hunny anytime im here .hugs joolsy
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:09:07 PM | thot i would check up on you and seems everyone else had the same idea!! GOOD!!!!!!!
"I supervised some offfenders convicted of domestic violence related offenses. I did not enjoy working with them."
try LIVINGwith them!!!
ARGH!!! ok , why cant i get quotes to work? | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:26:25 PM | Dearest llynass,
Today I was granted my divorce from my husband of 17 years, 8 of which he was an abuse alcoholic rageaholic man. I still love the man I married, and I still miss the man I married. I am, however, elated that I am free from the man whom he became. I still cry, but now I laugh more. I still hurt, but now I feel joy more. As time goes by I feel better about myself and stronger. You will never be the woman you once were, because you will be better. When something like your self esteem and your dignity is taken away you become better than ever when you take it back. You grow, you learn to love yourself again, and you actually find joy in your life!
I wish you the very best and my thoughts and prayers are with you. You have taken the most important step already. Stay on your path, stay strong, and know you are on your way to your best self possible!
Warmest regards,
Stormy | |
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