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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/8/2008 10:26:43 AM | pffffft, and you believe that?
i dont believe for one minute that he is sorry for what he did.
he is proberbley just verry pleased with himself at the moment, that he got off so lightley.
you must be feeling terrible, as you are worth so much more than that lass.
but reading the way you are talking, i could see you having him back even.
you are questioning yourself.
try and harden up, and let him rott in hell.
he dosent deserve you!
somewhere, there is this kind- hearted man waiting for you.
just waiting for you to bump into him.
if i was in your position, id make a completeley fresh start.
make tracks, and leave that **stard behind.
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/8/2008 10:56:24 AM | There is no way in hell my friend that i would ever speak to this man again let alone take him back. It was the judge saying that as he is remorseful its okay.
His defense team made out that he wasn't dangerous at all and was only like this with me which is of course outrageous.
However he will be on the sex offenders register for life thank goodness.
Also the judge said that he was to be commended for pleading guilty and saving me a trial. I would rather have gone to trial. And he only pleaded guilty 6 months down the line.. on the day of the trial.
The law is an ass. I may consult with a daily tabloid and see if they are interested in this as it shows really why women do not bother to report rape. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:09:37 PM | | Hi my name is Breagh reading yor story was like reading a mirror image of my life as i too went through things like you i had the same feelings and thoughts. I was married to a violent alcoholic bully and suffered at his hands for 10 yrs leaving him countless times living in a battered wives hostel but stupidly kept going back to him because i always thought i could change himI eventually woke up one morning and decided now was the time to leave with the help of my best friend i moved out that day never to go back i left with nothing no money, no clothes all i took was my 5yr old son and my dog, this was 12 yrs ago it was a along hard struggle but i now have a good well paid job, i have bought my own house i enjoy life and moved to a different area i have had a couple of relationships during this time but i still struggle to find a way to trust a man again things will improve for you in time and i wish you love and happiness for the future x | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:53:56 PM | | You should be thanking God every day that he's gone out of your life! No man is worth dying for. You are still hung up on him and his so called "redeeming qualities." I went through this with my child's father. It started out as grabbing, pushing, slapping, then the hair pulling and having your head slammed into walls, doors, windows. Then they figure they can get away with that much, so they start punching you the way they'd hit another man in the face and ribs. No good. It's harmful and embarrasing. Trying to use foundation to cover up bruises on your face and around your neck and throat. That is not a man that loves you, that's a man that views you as worthless and his property. I had two restraining orders against my sons dad, the first one I dropped because he was going to end up back in jail over it. Gave me his sob story and manipulated me with lies and broken promises that he'd go to couples counseling with me or that next time he'd just walk away if he was angry to the point of being physically violent. When I made the appointment he went ballistic on me, there was nothing wrong with him and he wasn't going. When you wake up some 10 hours later after your lover choked you to the point you literally passed out from oxygen deprivation, it should be a wake up call. You know how many men have accidentally killed their lovers in a fit of rage that way? You will get over it if you see this for what it is. a very selfish and cruel man that didn't love you. That's the first step,. realizing he didn't love you. Love isn't a word, it's an action. I know my worth, and love being with a man that has it together. Wait for a man who has shit together, someone you can be proud to be with and brag to all your girlfriends how great of a lover and friend he is to you. If you need a man to hit you to feel any sort of passion or spice things up, well, that's not my business, but obviously you are unhappy. Cut him loose and have no further contact with him. Every time I hear of my sons dad going back to jail, I just sit and smile. True, it's sad he couldn't change and get better, but at the same time, I've met a few very amazing men and the relationships didn't end because of domestic violence! If you're seriously this torn over this man, get therapy, and I mean that in the nicest way. No man is worth ruining your life and making you feel miserable day after day. He's cost you so much already, why give him your sanity too? Oh and his line that he'll kill himself if you leave ... one word ... MANIPULATION. I'd personally let him off himself because the world is a better place without him. Maybe that sounds cold, but I have no sympathy for these types of men. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/9/2008 7:27:38 AM | I have had 2 close friends (ladies) subject of violent abuse. One last XMAS was beaten black and blue by her boyfriend - the nasty piece of sh*t used a club hammer - and when he finised beating her up her he piled into her daughter with the club hammer. He has since vanished !!!
Another good friend was beaten when her boyfriend got her pregnant 30 years ago.
Lets be under no illusion - there are some extremely nasty evil people out there and you only ever find out when its too late.
I hate violence and can't understand what goes through these people's minds. One thing for sure is that ladies should not bank on the law for protection - you'll be half dead if you do. You have to be prepared to defend yourself and that means building your inner strength and acting when you have to - and lets hope you never do.
I study Kung Fu and also teach when needed. If somone attacks you then a good approach is to go straight for their eyes - poke your fingers straight into their eyes with a view to blinding them, bite them until they bleed and stamp on their feet. If they attack you and as a result they loose their sight then you did it in self defence. A scratching on the cornea is extremely painful.
Disable them, get out of there and call the police, finish them off or all 3.
And to pre-empt the floodgates of feedback - no i am not a violent bloke - far from it, we are not allowed to be and that is inconsistent with our training. But I do know how to defend myself and am peace with myself should i ever damage someone who attacks me or my daughter. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/9/2008 9:06:05 AM | | Sorted It Now --I have to disagree. Fighting back can most times make it worst. And pulling a gun or any other weapon on them is a big no-no. That same weapon can be taken and used against you. No amount of Kung fu or any other martial art is going to "disable" your attacker, especially when he's already exploded and looking for blood. Any woman's best bet is to not put herself in the position to begin with. I know, easier said than done. But I don't advise fighting back, it just makes its worst. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:36:20 PM | | I agree with the not fighting back- a few times, I scratched my abuser- I could have tried to do something like goudge his eyes or kick him in the balls or somethimg like that- but believe it or not, I did not WANt to really hurt him, just get away. also I was afreiad he would really hurt me if I treid & failed at any of the above I mentioned. As it was, when i scratched him ( & onlt did it about 3-4 times) he became even nore angry & the violence just got worse- for me. I fiannly just tried to steer as clear away from him as one can when one lives with such a person- & left after he went to work...to my shame, I came back more than once- I wanted so badly to believe he was remorseful & loved me etc. In the end, he gradually escalated & in a way that was a blessing- he tried to choke me, for no apparent reason I ever figured out, as he woke me out ofa sound sleep to do this- i got away, & he was arrested & I will never go bck to him again- the cycle was finally broken. So- if you choose to fight back, be sure you can REALLY disable them..& there is a fine line between that & between really injuring someone bdly, & YOU could either end up in jail yourself, or else so enrage him that who knows what he might do..mine was enraged enough... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:55:30 PM | Hold your head high and hang tough. If you dont do this ..this time it will happen harder and faster the next time. And when this relationship is over......you will get into others just like it until you understand. You are a love addict and he is the love avoidant and you are in a violent cycle that keeps repeating. It is as insane s jaywalking in front of a mac truck over and over again. This isnt love, it is addiction in it's highest and sickest form. I know. I am a recovering alcholic , admitted love addict trying to stay away from my addict, abuser one day at a time.There is a fabulous book, I suggest you read it. "Facing love addiction" by Pia Melodye. It is my bible. By the way. i literally sit on my hands not to call this man, knowing all the verbal abuse I will take I want to anyhow. This is addiction. Please get help and if you need to talk, email me at POF and we can call one another. You are as sick as your secrets. It takes balls to post your feelings. Its part of your recovery.
Your sister. SS | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:57:13 PM | We agree on 2 counts
1. I totally and absolutely agree with you - "don't be there" and i do empathise that that is easier said than done.
2. I am not advocating using weapons - we don't use weapons because there is no need.
Supporting and counselling eachother in forums like this and in the real world is fantastic and i am all for it. Additionally you've got to get real ladies because you can and MUST do more to protect yourselves. I believe in the rule of law but where is the law when you need it !!! In extreme cases defending yourself doesn't make things worse - Smell the coffee ladies. You are fighting for your lives ! Nothing less than attempted murder/manslaughter.
Try telling my friend not to fight back after her skull got smashed in by a 4 pound club hammer. After years of abuse - and she never told anybody - she has sworn that she will kill the guy if he ever returns. I am trying to teach her not to do that - she'll go straight to jail and she doesn't deserve that. Her best chance is to use maximum ways to protect herself without weapons.
Armed with a few basic skills women can better defend themselves from these nasty evil people. One focussed precise moment is all it takes.
Ladies - If you ever get attacked i urge you - go straight for their eyes - be accurate, don't be at all squeamish, aim to blind your attacker. Focus your anger and energy - don't lose your temper - just focus.
Its your best defense by far and he'll be out of action forever.
Get on a self defence programme ladies And don't forget there is at least one added benefit - I bet it'll help you tone up too - well it worked for me  | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/9/2008 3:04:27 PM | I read your posts and i empathise, honestly.
I'm not a violent bloke and i see that my exposure to this has been limited to 2 friends one of whom was beaten to within a whisper of her life and the other her face in such a bad way that i hardly recognised her and I burst into tears.
Ladies - why stay with these guys ??
I read your posts with a lot of sorrow but pleased too that i've done what i can in my own small way to help out any ladies that have been through our Kung Fu classes that they may be able to avoid these horrenduous situations. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/10/2008 6:01:39 AM | TRANSPLANTED, you are oh so correct!!
As a battered womans counselor and advocate, i want to commend you for this post.
Hold your head high and hang tough. If you dont do this ..this time it will happen harder and faster the next time. And when this relationship is over......you will get into others just like it until you understand. You are a love addict and he is the love avoidant and you are in a violent cycle that keeps repeating. It is as insane s jaywalking in front of a mac truck over and over again. [\unquote]
As i said before, Ill, I was in a horrible 12 year abusive relationship and only years of counseling let me look a person in the eyes again...and low and behold after living with a wonderful , giving man for 3 years, when we parted, i STILL walked right back into another abusive marriage. I have been out for 9 years now, and doing well . But it is a battle you have to stay on top of CONSTANTLY!!! I have dated on and off but have never felt i can completely trust MYSELF yet. When that day comes that i FALL IN LOVE, i know i will know it! i also know that thru 17 years of abuse and several years on my own, i have grown and learned and taught the cycle of violence and i can only think , hope and pray, that i will never fall back into it again. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:53:38 AM | | I have to say, that, thanks to counseling that was excellent & much introspection, I am done with that type of person- will also be aware of warning signs ...it was my first & last relationship of that type- I got away, glad i did, I was in my 40s when I got involved with this man & was shocked as could be when he hit me the first time- I had never been around violence...& never will be again. I really thank the Battered Womens Project in my area. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/10/2008 12:46:49 PM | Hi..I just read your Message and had to reply.I was in a relationship for over 3 years with a man who abused me,emotional stuff at first and then physical violence which resulted in him being convicted in court.I gave evidence against him and it was one of the worst days of my life. My advocate from Refuge was so fantastic,she gave me the strength to see it through.
Almost a year has passed now and I still have a lot of healing to do but each day I feel better and though I have my bad days when I miss the life we had I am so happy that he has gone..He added insult to injury by saying I humiliated him by reporting him,that I had over played what had happened.I actually felt guilty when he said that but I gave myself a good talking to..even after he was convicted and sentenced he still blamed me for what happened!The fact is that men who abuse women do not change,this is well documented,they have to want to change but first they have to find the courage to put their hands up and admit what they did was wrong,but they rarely do. There is no excuse for such behaviour,none at all.
You are being very brave and showing how strong you are even though you may not feel it,its hard but you will feel better in time..i promise.You are grieving and it is a natural process to go through ,a healthy one..It takes different lenghts of time for people to pass through the 5 stages,it is individual for everyone. I know I actually felt guilty at times for not doing something about it earlier(I have a son and he spotted things long before I did).I knew things werent right but it all came down to whats known as the cycle of intermittent reinforcement..you know they have a lovely side to them and that they can be so nice and loving at times.. so you wait,never knowing when its coming(but knowing that it will)and then you see it so you forgive them and so the cycle continues..and you make excuses for them.When I understood that I stopped feeling guilty!!
My little boy asked me if that man has ruined my life..I thought he had in the early stages when I was going through the shock and disbelief(I shook for 2 days after the assault..when he had kicked me in the head as if he was taking a penalty at a football match!)but he hasnt..he changed it but I sure as hell am not going to let him ruin it. Please believe that you will be happy again,your story can give hope to other people,have you thought that maybe one day you could volunteer or work for a domestic violence agency and help other women to be empowered just like you ,this may help you? I dont know maybe you would find it difficult..you should feel very proud of yourself for taking control..he had it ,now its yours.Dont feel bad that you still have feelings of love for him despite what he did to you,noone can tell you to hate him.I dont hate my ex I just have no feelings for him now,none at all and thats fine by me.So time for me to give myself back to the world and that is what you will do when you are ready and what has happened will enhance your relationships in the future,that is what I think. You will never forget him but it happened for a reason,remember 2 women are atill being killed every week through domestic violence and children die too..It has to stop and the more women like you who stand up and have your voice heard will make sure these"men"dont get away with it.You deserve more than him and you will find love again..proper love that is unconditional,so take your time,give yourself the time to heal..and please dont ever blame yourself or take him back into your life,it is better to be on your own than be treated that way.Good luck..K x | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/20/2008 5:12:08 AM | | Karbelle: Re your message #389: I was so moved by it that I wanted to write to you - NOT for romantic reasons - but your mail restrictions prevented that. You could however initiate a message to me to which I could reply, essentially to tell you how deeply I appreciated the strength and caring in your post! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/20/2008 10:48:51 PM | Karbelle.. Thankyou for your post. When I read through these posts the heart knows that we have all been there. There is a common knowledge that we all share and I have finally freed myself with the help, support and tough words from all of you .
Even when you break free .. you mourn.. The intensity of the emotions can be more painful than the abuse. You suffer multiple losses which resemble massive bereavement. For example.. loss of your relationship, once loved partner, loss of friends and family. Loss of safety, home and familiarity,. Loss of trust, pleasure , joy your future. And much more. The impact can induce sheer terror., such a mix of cofusing emotions.. It certainly did for me and the interaction with all of you when it was vital saved me from going over the edge. I continue to be in therapy and will be for a long time to come but I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.
Sometimes we are criticised for being fooled into believing what our abusers tell us, when we continue to take the blame for their actions and take them back time after time hoping that this time they mean what they say. However one meeting between the abuser and a psychiatrist, one meeting between the abuser and a probation officer and one letter of ''MEANINGFUL REMORSE''from the abuser to the judge and they are no different in their response than we are. They are fooled as well ., feeling sympathy for the abuser and giving him another chance or a reduced sentence. The abuser always knows what to say and knows what people want to hear. It's no wonder that we get confused and we shouldn't be ashamed of ourselves. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/21/2008 3:14:39 AM | | Ilynass, what a strong, hopefully useful post. One additional observation that occurs to me is that the abuser probably believes himself when he expresses remorse and promises to reform. These are people - in a phrase I coined - of short intention spans! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/21/2008 4:19:21 AM | HEY i think i KNOW this guy
been there
n smar as i am it was ONLY 8 yrs ago
ONE day i let him go n cried for 11 days
but i neva did go back eva
so be STRONG n realize u r more a fool than he if u eva entertain the thought of going back with him and as ive said SO MANY times in this forum when I had cancer n the grim reaper was aknockin at me door i only had ONE REGRET
that i spent TIME ......PRECIOUS TIME ......cryin  around about someone who was GONE someone who NEVA deserved me SOMEONE that wasnt even THINKIN of me n e more n BELIEVE ME he is not thinkin of u only HIMSELF as usual
get over it NOW  sorry but i can only b straight with u n good luck
kathi | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/21/2008 8:49:42 PM | | I too, was a victim of domestic violence. I was able to put this behind me when I realized that this man was not the man I wanted to love, he was the illusion of what I wanted him to be. When I came to my senses I was able to see that someone who loved me would NEVER treat me badly and hurt me the way he did over and over. Why is this so hard for people to figure out?? Mourn the marriage, relationship, etc, but never mourn for the person who so callously hurt you and could have cared less. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/22/2008 4:51:03 PM | We never see it coming. I'm still finding it hard to trust. Take things extra slow. Take a self defense class too. Sometimes endorphins and empowerment help boost yourself up from the rut.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's such a blow to hope in fools. Youre very pretty just work on your self respect. You can do it.
I hope things are working better for you and your kids as you read this. God Bless You. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/23/2008 10:44:32 PM | You've got to change the way you think about him! He has obviously abused you SEVERAL times. I'm proud of you for pressing charges this time. You need to get a restraining order and keep it. Do you have any type of orders in place right now? Even with him in jail you need to have them for when he gets out.
I'm new at this too. I've only been gone from my abuser for 6, almost 7 months now, but I will NEVER go back. When I left him I sent him to jail, got two restraining orders against him, one was issued from the D.A. he recently got convicted of Corporal Injury on a Spouse, a sentence that will follow him the rest of his life. It took me a long time to get the strength to leave him, but when I finally did, I never looked back. Sure it hurt, we had 3 kids and many memories together, but there is a reason people say the abuse will get worse. It's because it does! The mental and physical abuse will always get worse. The control will become so bad you lose who you are as a person. I can hear that through your post. You shouldn't go to places you used to go to together. Go to NEW places, do NEW things! Change your hair, buy new clothes. Experience life like you never have before. You need to change your phone number too! I think half the reason I've done as well as I have is because I haven't had any contact with him. He hasn't been able to mess with my head the way he would have been able to had he had access to me. The only times I have seen him have been in court with our lawyers and armed officers around the courthouse. I didn't even look at him until this last time last week. You've got to become your own person. He's stolen that from you. Make a decision that it stops now.
One last thing. You mentioned that you have sought out help. Have you gone to a local woman's shelter? If you haven't, go to one and ask for a pamphlet on the Cycle of Violence. That's exactly what's going on here when he's nice to you after the abuse. It's the honeymoon phase. If you read this pamphlet and you see all what he has done to you it will really open your eyes to what has gone on. Please go down to the shelter and get all the information you can. It will really help you change your way of thinking.
I wish you all the best. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/23/2008 10:57:02 PM | | Love is a longing to be with a person, it seems to amuse the gods to give that quality to a person that will abuse it, that is life and this world is ugly. If you read all the literature, such as Romeo and Juliet, if you do find true love that wont be abused, you or the object of your love will DIE. I think the message is clear for the intelligant person, true love is unobtainable on this earth, it is a higher concept that can only be achieved in a place other that this earth. So enjoy the misery of being alone, your soul was condemed to it. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/24/2008 12:41:33 AM | | i know exactly what you've gone through. Trust me, it gets easier. You're so used to the "episodes" of violence, then honeymoon period, then the violent buildup, then the violence, then the honeymoon period all over again. It's called the cycle of violence. I had a hard time trusting people again after I ended my relationship, and the funny thing is I went right back into another abusive relationship. The second one wasn't physically abusive, but verbally and emotionally abusive. Now, I'm not falling for the same crap anymore. I question things more often. If there's red flags that pop up during dating, I heed the warning. You will too. I was independent before I met him and I'm independent now that he's gone. It doesn't mean that you don't still love him...it means that you're setting your boundaries and establishing self worth. Do yourself a favor and never go back...they will always be violent..they don't change, in fact, it gets worse. They say it takes a woman on average 7 times before she leaves her husband for good. I believe it. They're manipulators and charming, and they'll keep reeling you back in. Be thankful you're gone and I wish you the best of luck...drop me a line and let me know how you're doing. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/24/2008 3:41:32 AM | I read the posting by KARBELLE in total shock, reflect on what has happened to some of my female friends and am totally numbed by the level of cold callous evil brutality some men have meeted out on their partners and really feel for you ladies who are on the road to recovery. I can imagine that in many cases there is a part of you that gets discarded/lost for whatever reason.
Could I please ask this of you ladies that have been through this nightmare.
What 3 bits of advice would you give a lady who either
- senses she may be heading for a violent relationship.
- or is already in a violent relationship.
If no-one else reads it then i'll make darn sure my daughter is aware of these things.
Many thanks | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/24/2008 4:32:23 AM | I met someone here that I thought was a gentleman, 4 months into our relationship I am now sitting here with a broken arm. Both the bones were snapped in half. I am no longer looking for love here or anywhere elce online, yes I have made some friends BUT please everyone, be very careful. Not everyone is a "Nice Guy/Nice Girl...  Thanks | |
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