| Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:04:24 AM | | IMO, I think women have more violent thoughts and are more likely to delibrate violence against men that is done in a much more sophisticated way. Men on the other hand are more likely to become physical with it out of a lack of self control. I've interacted with several women who were nothing more than emotional terrorists. Just as some men are. The one thing that gets me is that when a couple decide to get in a relationship. Vulnerability increases on each partner. Especially when they marry. You can't stay awake forever. I mention this because I've been friends with a couple women one in particular who's dad was murdered by the mom. She claimed self defense from a build up of emotional abuse and one day acted on her thoughts and was acquitted of all charges. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/14/2008 9:42:48 AM | | I've never been through that, but have helped many friends/relatives who have. Realize that the loving, sensitive, side is an act, and the violent, controlling, manipulative, side is the real him. Cut all contact with him forever. Arm yourself, and learn to defend yourself. Fill your mind with other things...places you will go in the future, things you will do next week, etc. Meet new guys. Be skeptical, and alert, but have what fun you can. Stay away from the places you went/things you did with him, and find new places/things on your own, and with new people. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/16/2008 8:41:05 AM | Msg.400
My mum has not found the courage to leave and she is just a shell. She says she will leave when the time is right for her but i wonder how much a body can take. Any advice would be welcome .
The simple answer to your question is that when she "bottoms out", she'll leave. Think of the toxic/abusive relationship in comparison to an addiction to anything. She knows the relationship is killing her yet she can't leave. Just like an alcoholic who knows he/she has a problem with alcohol yet can't say no to that next drink. The truth is she can leave - yet she chooses not to leave. Just as an alcoholic can choose not to have that next drink. Both for sure can find a gazillion of excuses for not choosing differently.
As for advice? Live your life. You would find it helpful to get involved with Al-Anon even if alcohol was never a factor in your childhood. The behaviors and relationship dynamics are so similar regardless.
You can do nothing about your mom's choice to remain. All the love in the world won't fix her, won't save her from the situation, won't put that spark of life back in her eyes. She will either find her point of leaving or she won't. That sounds like a situation best to let go and let God intervene. Meanwhile, you live your life so that you don't replicate hers.
 | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/16/2008 11:50:53 AM | Been there, done that, after the first episode of violence, took me 3 years to finally leave him. Take all the pain in, and MAKE A DECISION to let it go. no more dwelling on it. Create new memories, even in the places that used to be yours and his, or move to a different city if you have to (this is what I did).
Yes, you will be an independent woman again, but you need to work on yourself, rebuild your confidence, remember WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
and don't take his phone calls of messages from prision, do not feel guilty about it, you did the right thing. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/16/2008 7:56:15 PM | | To all those who have been abused or still going through abuse whether its physical or mental or both its hell on earth. I know I lived it. Still do with an ex and other abusive people in my life. Counseling is the only thing that gave me the courage to leave and to find myself again. I lost who I was and almost gave up hope. Seek help even after you have left him. The scars are deep. Many will never understand or empathize with you so counseling is an excellent way to vent and get the support you need to move on. Even this site has many abusive people both men and women who have no regard for your feelings or safety. So tread lightly and careful. Abuse comes in many forms. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 11/14/2008 12:27:01 PM | I am posting today as its a very important milestone for me..O n the 14th November 07 my ex was released from prison after serving 11 months for assaulting me and abusing me. It wasn't his first prison term but this time I believed 100% that he had reflected on his behaviour and learned his lesson the hard way. Little did I know that I was going to learn a lesson the hard way .. a very hard way which has resulted in an even longer prison term and a year of emotional hell , grief , despair .. far greater than the abuse and violence.. My head was a mess ., I didn't know who I was and I contemplated the unthinkable. I havn't worked this year .. having never being unemployed bar from having my children. I didn't trust the police , I didn't trust anyone and all but one of my children had any time left for me. And i've been having psychotherapy. With help and support from the posters on this forum ''I'VE MADE IT THROUGH' For those who have not followed this thread please just read my first posting and you will see a woman in total despair. I don't need to go through the details again it's all written down throughout the year. I am writing this for the sake of any of you who are in the same mess.. for those of you who in your hearts truly believe you love your partner and that losing your self worth and maybe your life is worth keeping him/her because it is not. And they don't love us . they really don't .Theyr'e just meaningless words that they use to keep us on side.
Today I have a six week old grandson who means the world to me whose mother( my youngest daughter), has stood by me throughout this nightmare. Another daughter claimed she hated me and and now we meet regularly for a social but we never discuss what happened. We have a drink and something to eat and its nice. My eldest daughter who hasn's spoken to me since I first took my ex parner back from prison has seen me keep to my word this time .. she has watched me fight my demons and show her that I could give this man up. She came to see me yesterday and we were laughing and chatting and my youngest was watching us with her partner and baby with tears in her eyes. I am beginning a new job in January and I am moving house soon. I have not dated at all as I am fragile still a nd will find it hard to trust someone again but i am beginning group therapy in the new year and hopefully this will help in forming relationships again. Most important of all I am my own person again.. I havn't forgotten him but I no longer spend my entire day thinking about him. I have my life to live and I can function on my own again and I thank every single poster for the support given to me. THANKYOU SO MUCH. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You cannot understand what living with an abuser is like unless you have lived with one.. but if you know some one who is being abused please give them a listening ear and don't condem them if they decide to return to their abuser time after time. This is so important. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 11/14/2008 3:44:42 PM |  OMG Ilynass... You sound like a whole new woman!!! WAY TO GO!!!
I dedicate this amazing wisdom to you and to the many abused souls who so desperately need to understand their own worth:
"After a While"
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall
"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn…
(Ilynass... May every step you take now be toward the growing light that allows you to carve out the rest of your wonderful life. I'm so proud of you! You just made my day!  ... many  s to you!) | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/4/2009 3:55:54 AM | It's one year since I first posted on this site and i continue to heal and move forward. The support that i received from readers on this thread was immense. Combined with therapy , determination and the sudden awakening and realisation that actually despite all the promises and sorry's and the daily new beginnings ( and those of you who have experienced and are experiencing domestic violence will know what i mean), that things will never change, in fact they worsen and more often than not with devastating consequences.
My heart was so broken, my soul betrayed I couldn't see a way forward. I lost everything that mattered to me. I was a mess lost at sea and i was drowning.
I encourage any woman / man who may be going through the same turmoil to read my journey. Please read the poem above and take care of yourselves. It is so good to be free at last. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:43:40 AM | It's now 18 months since i first posted here and with the help of you posters out there and many other support networks i made it through . I completed 15 months of one to one psychotherapy and am now going to my second week of group therapy which will run weekly for 2 years. It's not easy becoming your own person when you have been on the receiving end of an abuser but it can be done and it feels great.
The advice that i am seeking today is about how to deal with the following turmoils.
1. He is being released in December on licence but who knows what he is going to do as despite many millions of promises in years gone by he never took any notice of authority .
2.No one thinks that he will bother to come looking for me this time but i have started to have dreams that he is hiding at the bottom of the garden etc and its turning me into a nervous wreck. I also imagine seeing him standing there and i want to run but can't move.
3. How am i going to feel if i do see him face to face and he tries to be nice to me. As i have just started the group therapy sessions i don't trust anyone enough yet to open up.
Please help me posters. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/15/2009 3:47:26 AM | | You'll never really be rid of this man (if that is your desire) unless you begin to feel ANGER toward him. He really did a number on you. I don't know what he's in prison for, but, if it's for any sort of violent crime, be thankful he didn't kill you. I'm thinking a restraining order, an alarm system for your home (to alert you of break-ins) and a gun with a few clips by your bed are in order. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/21/2009 10:48:28 AM | Hun..i've read your entire thread and i think youv'e done great. Take your concerns to your group , thats what there for. I understand your concerns and what your experiencing is normal . Keep going on that road youv'e been walking ,no turning around. No one understands what you have been through unless they have been there and as you well know will be unwilling to post for fear of being discovered but judging by the number of views you have had have probably reached many in need.
Well done girl.. take care and God Bless. | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/21/2009 3:12:31 PM |
3. How am i going to feel if i do see him face to face and he tries to be nice to me. As i have just started the group therapy sessions i don't trust anyone enough yet to open up.
IF you see him face-to-face and he's 'nice' to you, you'll know by now it's a facade. He has many different masks, don't forget that. It's up to you to do everything you possibly can to avoid ALL contact with him. Sounds like you've really come on in leaps and bounds, long it may it continue and best of luck to you x | |
|
| Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:13:06 AM | How to react if he is nice to you?
Simple.
Ignore him and keep walking. Do not even give him the opportunity to be 'nice' to you. Do not walk by with your head down and your manner meek. Ignore him and walk by him with your head raised high and standing tall. Better yet, walk by him a give him a look of complete disdain, like he is something that you stepped in! Do it only for a few seconds and then turn back and keep going. Any time that you see him after that, ignore him. Walk by tall and proud with your head raised high and a smile on your face!
The confidence that you aquire from dealing with him from a position of strength and power will put those nightmares to bed in no time. Trust me on this one.
But I am glad to see that you have come such a looong way from the person that you were when you first started this thread.
My thoughts and prayers go with you,
Miles | |
|
Home
login 
